My Dad is 80 and lives on his own. He was my Mom's primary caregiver until hospice came in 4 months before her passing two years ago. He suffered two small strokes a couple years ago after she passed. He recovered fairly well from the strokes but last month was hospitalized with kidney failure (probably due to dehydration). We live about a half hour away…we have cameras in his apartment and also check on him regularly with daily phone calls which is how we knew he wasn’t doing well and called the ambulance for him. (I am his only child and family close by… he calls me his guardian angel.) His kidney function improved but we found out he has a mass on his right kidney which he will have an MRI on in a few weeks. Dad has additional issues such as uncontrolled Diabetes, spinal stenosis, and neuropathy. He also has age-related memory loss, which is progressively getting worse… over the last few months he got lost coming to my house once (where I’ve lived over 20 years), and has had asked me for directions to his pharmacy and bank a couple of times. He also forgets to check his blood glucose and to take his his meds on a regular basis even with me calling him to remind him. (He just started insulin a month ago.)
A few weeks ago, Dad’s neurologist stated to him, and me, that with so much stuff going on it is ‘probably time for him to stop driving’ … but Dad feels like he’s fine. I took his car to my home when he was hospitalized. He was ok with me keeping it when he was hospitalized, but recently is becoming more upset and angry with me, insisting that he wants it back. It’s killing me thats he’s so upset.
I remind him of his health issues and reassure him that whenever he wants to go someplace, me or my husband will take him but he just wants his independence to go out when he wants. He lives in the middle of his town and could walk to many places (with his cane)... church, restaurants, pharmacy are within 1-3 blocks … but he can be unsteady at times and walking long distances can take a lot out of him. We already drive him to all his Dr appointments and bring him to our house for dinner when he’s feeling up to it. I am his POA. After many late fees, I handle his finances. I do his laundry, I fill his med box, he has a cleaning lady 2 times a month and we now have meals on wheels delivering lunch and dinner to him and are working on getting church volunteers to stop by his place to help with medication reminders. He’s grateful for all we do for him, and I can imagine how frustrating it is for him to be losing so much of his independence. Honestly I believe he needs to be in assisted living, but he refuses to leave his apartment. We are doing everything we can so he can stay there, but not having his car has caused him to become so very angry with me to the point where he hung up the phone on me tonight and said he’d be better off dead. This crushed my heart…….I know I shouldn’t, but I am second guessing if he should have his car back. Is there anything I could say or do to get him to react reasonably and reassure him?
No one needs to wait for any doctor to make the call on ending the driving. The tricky part is how to do it. Your dad's anger is not rational so try not to take it too personally (and think about how you are keeping him and others safe). What I did with my LO is preemptively arrange for regular rides so she could run errands. I enlisted local and trusted family, friends, neighbors, church acquaintences and had them call her up to offer rides to the grocery store, mall, etc. I secretly gave these volunteers gift cards to my LO's favorite restaurants so they could also take her out for a meal. She enjoyed the company more than losing the driving privilege.
Your Dad will adjust to the new normal eventually, if his dementia allows it. Make sure other people in his network know to never lend him a car for any reason. Just sell it and stop paying the insurance (I'm sure his rates must be sky-high!) You don't have to engage the argument if he brings it up. Tell him "It's just not an option Dad," Then change the subject.
Make sure to report him to the DMV online as a dangerous driver. They will mail him a letter telling him to come in for testing. No one should take him to this test, just let his license expire so that he no longer has a valid one. I wish you much success in getting over this hump.
I hope to avoid the tragedy your family felt … am so very sorry to hear what happened. I understand how my Dad must feel but his safety and the safety of others is a top priority. We will continue to help him understand and to support him as best we can.
At 83 it was a serious accident that let my brother know he couldn't drive. He lay bleeding in the arms of a neighbor saying "I knew something was wrong" over and over.
You need to sit with your father and honestly discuss this. My partner is 82 and well capable of driving. But if you suspect, if a DOCTOR suspects that your father should give up his license then he likely should. I would sit with my father and repeat the doctor's words, then tell him that you cannot make the decision for him, but feel he shouldn't be driving. If he says he is fine then ask him to allow the DMV to make that decision and you will support him. Tell him to go with you to DMV and request a written and driving exam. If he passes, then he passes; that's the best you can do.
If all is said and done and your father refuses, then tell him that you are doing your best to support his decisions, but as his decision making is less and less good in your own estimation you will be removing your support more and more. He is not only risking his well-being, but that of innocents in the streets.
I wish you the very best. At some point your doing more and more will "enable" bad decision making for Dad. That's the sad truth. I hope he will begin to consider a move to ALF. A hard decision to be certain, one that may eventually be inevitable.
And anyone with any kind of mental decline should not be allowed to drive as they not only put themselves at risk , bit others as well. And because it's known that his mental facilities are declining if God forbid an accident were to happen, he could be sued and lose all he has. It's just not worth the risk.
Just keep telling him that his doctor said he could no longer drive, and that you're sorry but you must listen to the doctor, and that you understand that it's hard on him not to be able to drive anymore, but that you will be there to take him places when he needs to go.
Hopefully in time he will realize that it's for his best, and honestly with his mental decline he will most likely forget it sooner than later anyway, as with all of the dementias, things only continue to get worse.
I wish you and your dad the best.
…it is sad, but as time goes on I can see things getting worse so I understand that things won’t be getting better. I will continue to reassure him the best we can.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.