My dad passed two weeks ago leaving behind my mean, abusive and manipulative mom. As I am the closest living sibling, everyone including her, assumes I will be the caregiver.
I tried speaking with them years ago about scams. They thought they knew better, but my dad ended up giving away thousands of dollars to a scammer. My mom was mean and never let him forget about it and even brought it up after his passing.
Around the time my dad was scammed, I took the keys to his car. He was in no state to drive. My mom called and left a message threatening to call the police on me if I didn’t return the keys. That was 2 years ago. That’s when I went low contact with them.
Fast forward to my dad’s death earlier this month. I have spent countless hours with my mom helping her plan for the funeral and transfer the funds needed to pay for it. I’ve taken her grocery shopping and clothes shopping and just let her hang out with me for an afternoon. I did this every day for a week only to have to deal with her daily tantrums that consist of her trying to get out of my moving car, blocking me from leaving by standing in the middle of the road, breaking objects, physically hurting my sibling, and causing self-harm by hitting herself repeatedly in the head with her cane. On top of all this, she had the nerve to tell me she only likes my dad and one of my siblings. When I asked her about myself and my other sibling, she doubled down and said she only likes Dad and one sibling because they do whatever she asks.
I do not have the time or energy to take care of someone who takes me for granted and who doesn’t even like me, and I refuse to put myself in harm’s way. I don’t want to see her or talk to her because she will try to guilt me into staying.
I blocked her calls, but can see that she has left 4 vm’s today. Am I doing the right thing?
I’m sorry if this is lengthy and all over the place. Please let me know if I need to clarify anything.
You have NO obligation to be her caregiver, and she would probably resent you trying to do more.
Tell your Mother that she is not to rely on you as long as she exhibits the behaviors you described.
Give her a list of contacts for things she may need, and walk away.
very sorry to hear of this toxic environment you’re in and how it’s reached boiling point. Some old people are set in their ways and can be very mean in their talk. My friends mother was like that to her even tho of all the family she was the one helping her- eventually her health suffered - ( my friend- mentally and physically as she tried to make sense of something that can’t be made sense out of) quite serious ailments which if you were to exam a bit more you could have seen they were generated by the stress her mother put her under.
she eventually put her in a home when mothers behaviour got too much/ and when she died she was the only one there- on her death bed. yet the sons and everyone else were the ones who got the praise / respect and any inheritance from the mother. The mother deep down was a damaged person.
Thats sometimes how life goes.
in your case it’s clear you are protecting yourself and establishing boundaries which are being broken. Your boundaries are more punishments tho rather than being calmly assertive.
if that’s what you feel you’ve got to do then that’s what you do end if day.
if it were me I would probably help sort out care and get her moved into a care facility. Close it off so that you know she’s safe. She obviously isn’t where she is. You can contact her doctor to advise or care facilities - ask the medical staff who can help you because mother isn’t of sound mind to live at home safely and you cannot cope with her.
once she’s in a facility then it’s up to you if you want contact or not.
if she can understand maybe a calm conversation that you’d like to help her but she will need to act more respectful to you . I think it’s important to get her into a safe environment to live tho. Years later you will feel better u did. Her unkindness or overly blunt tactlessness? is just her- try and switch off to it. She’s got away with it all of her life - doubt she will change much now.
i do think you’ll feel better helping to get her into a safe place tho.
best wishes
I doubt if the Mom would go along with any facility placement option that GoingNC would offer. Even if it was like a 5 star hotel, the Mom would probably find fault. I really don't think that Going NC's response is a punishment. It's self-protection from a woman who is physically abusive to herself and others under activities that are meant to be pleasant. I am horrified to think what would happen under a circumstance the mother felt was an attack to her independence.
Since the mother knows how to use a phone, she could call one of her "favored" children for assistance. Then maybe placement, or commitment, would occur.
No.