My dad is dying from pancreatic cancer. He is at his home in North Carolina. I live in Los Angeles. His wife is caring for him. She is a nurse. My father is only 73 years old and was diagnosed in early February. He was totally active and was kicking age's butt until this monster robbed him. After surgery and chemo didn't work, the inevitable is happening. In March I flew with him to North Carolina to care for him. He and his wife were moving there from California for retirement. She stayed behind to get everything shipped, I went with him to care for him as he recovered from surgery and to take him to oncology appointments and such (he couldn't drive). Now, we count down the days or hours and I am torn on whether to go or not to see him in his final moments. I am not sure I want to remember him this way. But I also don't want to regret anything. I have told my stepmother this. My brother has decided to not see him this way. I understand that. I want to remember him the way I do now. I love him very much.
That mattered and saying goodbye over the phone was perfectly fine.
Hugs to you and may peace of mind restore your spirit~
I attend funerals out of respect and to comfort family members but I do not wish to remember anyone dead in a casket. I realize this is very personal and that everyone feels differently.
I also feel it is a huge waste of money. I would rather the money to be spent elsewhere, such as donations for medical research. That would be meaningful to me. Having a wake means nothing to me. I am definitely going to be cremated.
One more thing for you- what about his wife? Could you be of help or comfort to her? That might be nice. If you can be with him he can feel the love you have for him and if anything has been left unsaid that would be the time.
I am sad that in this day and age people are so uncomfortable with death and don't want to be near the dying and yet they will go to the funeral afterwards. Of course it is okay to cry and mourn afterwards as much as you need to because you will miss him in your life. If you can be there at the end be cheerful and talk about the good memories you have and how glad you got him for your father.
I just want to share this with you: I was a total "daddy's girl" I loved my dad so much that I am still grieving after 10 1/2 years. My father was buried in Los Angeles and I live in Las Vegas. I arranged his funeral, but I did not attend. I have no guilt and no bad feelings about not attending. I knew if I went I would be seriously messed up for the rest of my life. The last thing I wanted to see was my father being buried. This was my own decision and I know that it was the right one.
I hope you find peace.
My grandmother was extremely close to my grandfather. No one had the right to criticize her for not being there, oh but some busybodies did and it infuriated me. I was around my grandmother often. I saw the love that my grandparents had for each other.
These people who were critical of my grandmother were never around and only showed up for the wake. That kind of behavior rubs me the wrong way. They run their mouths and don’t know what they are talking about. You are absolutely right. No one should make a person feel guilty about not being there.
People who feel strongly about being there, should be but they don’t have to push someone who doesn’t feel that way to go. Both situations have merits. One situation is not better than the other. They are equally important to each of us.
Whether it is being at the bedside of someone who is dying or a wake, funeral or memorial service, it should be left up to each person to make the correct choice for themselves. Some people may have regrets. No one gets through life without any regrets. We live. We learn. Hopefully, we forgive others and ourselves. Others will not have any regrets. Regardless, no one should judge or even try to sway that person in the direction that they want them to go. It’s not their decision to make. Most people in these situations are quite capable of choosing what is best for themselves.
I was so young when my Dad passed (only 19). Far too immature to grasp that I would actually lose him. I do regret that I did not make it in time to be with him - hold his hands and just let him know how much I loved him. That was 30 years ago.
But with that said - everyone has their own way on what is the best way to say goodbye. If you think being with your dad is something that is important to him and will make his last days or moments more peaceful - then consider what you can bring to those moments. Goodbyes and grief are hard - but I know I want to be surrounded by those whom I love the most - more so because I think I want my loved ones to have each other to grieve with - comfort each other and hopefully even laugh together while sharing amazing memories.
Whatever you choose will be difficult - I wish you peace of finding what is best for yourself 🙏🏼
Pixar’s Inside Out is about emotions and our reactions to them or in this case, a child named Riley. Joy is the highlighted emotion. She really wants Riley to be happy all the time. Joy never wants Sadness to interfere in anyway. But Joy is missing the big picture.
We experience sadness so we can appreciate the happy memories more. In the end when Riley admitted moving was a hardship her parents embraced her with love.
Go to your dad and embrace him with your love. This is your chance one last time to give him your unconditional love. Though this is a sad time your sadness will hopefully help you appreciate the joy in your memories.
I wish you well in your decision. It’s a personal one but you know in your heart what you need to do.
I love that you aren’t judging your brother for how he feels. He certainly isn’t the first person to feel this way, nor are you. Many people have felt like you do and I applaud you for being honest about your feelings.
There are hospice nurses who see this situation all the time and I have always heard them say that it is truly a personal choice and that no one should be unfairly judged if they can’t or don’t wish to be there at the very end.
I did more for my parents than any of my siblings. Mom lived with us for 15 years after my father died. I took care of daddy before he died. I was with both of them for countless hours. Was I there at their precise moment of death? No, I wasn’t. Do I agonize over it or regret it? Absolutely not. I will be honest, like you, I did not want to see my parents die. I loved them very much. I know that you love your dad. This has nothing to do with a lack of love. It does not mean that you are selfish either, so please do what is best for you. Your dad is well aware of your love. Remember him as you choose to.
For people who wish to be there at the end, I support them as well. I have one brother who was with my dad at the end. I have one brother who was with my mom, my other brother did not wish to be there. I was the very last person to see my oldest brother in hospice before he died. He died the second that I walked out of the room. My brother’s hospice nurse told me that some people want to die alone and others want someone with them. Plus, none of us know what the exact time of death. If a patient wants someone to be with them, then a nurse or caregiver will be right there at their side. They will also call clergy if he desires.
I wish you peace as you face the loss of your precious father. Take care.
It would also possibly be a comfort for his wife to have you there. If she has family in NC, then she won't be alone, but if she doesn't and they just moved there, she will have no one.
One thing I could agree with my mother on was having a wake. THAT isn't how I want to remember someone. Mom would say if someone can't come see me when I'm alive, don't bother when I'm dead!
Sadly no one suggested going to the funerals for my grandmother's, only the wakes. I made it as far as the parking lot for dad's mother. I made it into the building for my mother's mother. She had lived with us part time and we shared some good times - that's how I wanted to remember her (and I still do), but I did glimpse her in the coffin passing by the room. UGH. My cousins were sitting where I sat down and said "Didn't she look good?" Double UGH! My thoughts were no, didn't she look dead. I wish I hadn't had that glimpse! But, if I could've shared one last visit with her before she passed, that would've been okay with me.
Sadly this virus robbed me of any "quality" visits with mom. I tried once with an outside visit, but it was hot (they had canopies set up), and we had to stay 6' apart with masks on. I don't know if she knew it was me, with the mask (eyesight not the greatest) and her hearing was shot, so.... I tried again when they set up a space for indoor visits, but it was after her first stroke, and still with the 6' apart and masks. I still wish I'd taken the mask down and got closer to her. Prior to that visit, a staff member took a pic of me when I dropped off supplies and showed mom. She wanted to know why I wouldn't come in. :-( I was allowed to be with her after the second stroke. She wasn't talking, but seemed to be pleased to see me (I did pull the mask down) - not sure who she thought I was, but I was there. YB came later and stayed overnight. I came back when he went home and was with her at the end. Other than my first visit with her, she was pretty much out of it, sleeping. Hopefully she knew I was there.
The final decision is really up to you. I do understand not wanting to remember him the way he might be now, but does that outweigh any regret you might have in not being there for him? If you think it would be a comfort for him to see you, it might be worth going, to be there before he passes. You won't get another chance at it. It is a hard decision, but I would lean towards giving him one last chance to see YOU and have reassurance from you that all will be okay.
I often think of that line when someone who is frail or sick is unable to do something. Or, in your father's case, someone who is phasing out of this life. He should not be punished or rejected for being ill. You sound like you love him a lot, so try to accept his condition as he is at the end. These memories will not block out your lifetime of happier times and images of your father.
Get on that plane and get there to support your dad, his wife, and anyone else who is there. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a good relationship. This is your last chance to be there for him, forever.
If you don’t go, regret will tear you apart.
Take yourself out of the equation: what would bless your Dad the most?
I know if I was transitioning, I think I'd love to feel the loving hand & presence of a loved one holding mine & encouraging me as I go.
Whatever "shell" of the person you're seeing, know that really isn't him at all.
We are way more than our shell.
Years ago, when attending my sister's funeral in another state (we had not seen her for a while), I almost freaked out at the thought of seeing her in the casket. Never had a panic attack, but I imagine I was close.
My brother took me aside and said, "You know, that really isn't our sister."
Meaning, she is Infinitesimally WAY more than the physical picture I may see.
Well, of COURSE she was! We all are!
That instantly snapped me out of my mesmerism, and I was able to continue.
Hope this helps!
I suspect that you fear dying as many of us do. But death is a part of life as much as being born. The comfort your presence gives him during his transition to whatever is next is like the comfort one gives a newborn transitioning into this physical life. Love him enough to not be afraid. His wife is a nurse so managing the physical aspects will be lovingly monitored.
I found being present for my father's death transformative. It actually made me less fearful.
Blessons. No matter what you choose, you have already done well for your father.
Currently I still am on call more than half of each 24 hour day. I would feel very guilty if I did not give this constant help as it is something that I feel I must do for them by being there for them. Yes, they they look very different and not in a good way at all. This is freakin life, step up to the plate and start swinging. You cannot stick your head in the sand and pretend the situation doesn’t exist. Put yourself mentally in your fathers shoes for a moment ( there is a fair chance you may be in them someday yourself)-he is suffering, maybe scared, knows he will die…if you can be present at the end stages and through the end of life, it will help him so much to get through his final weeks and days. I’m not talking about a quick visit. Put your life on the back burner and donut for him and your mom. How terrible to be dying or diseased and your children avoid or abandon you. I realize it is extremely unpleasant for you but he really needs you now more than any other time of his life. It will help you as well in many ways you cannot envision right now. Take charge of this event and be there for him. In addition, You may have the opportunity to help him by being his advocate for additional pain relief meds if you see he goes through any horrendous pain when the professionals don’t realize it if it comes on fast. Please help him, his time of need is now.
When I worked as a CNA on an oncology unit I was around dying patients. I came to see death as a sacred moment, and I don’t want to miss this with my brother.
Some family members envision a sort of kumbaya experience where everyone in the family comes together when a LO dies, but it’s an expectation that needs to be released. Some people can’t bring themselves to be there. Ultimately it’s about the LO dying, not one’s personal fears. Not saying it’s easy …
My dad, who faced his death with great courage, did say to me one night, "What does it look like? What happens when someone dies?"
I realized at that moment that neither he nor my mother had ever been with anyone as they passed, but I had been with my grandfather and saw him die. I was able to tell my dad that he would go to sleep before he died, and he wouldn't know he was going. I also assured him I'd be with him. All that happened exactly as I'd said, and I like to hope it brought him some comfort. No matter how bravely he was facing death, it nonetheless had to be frightening to him.
My youngest brother passed last July. It was the 2nd hardest thing I ever did - hold his hand as he slipped away from me. I remember that time with each detail, however I also remember how close we were. The first hardest, was telling my dad it was ok to let go well over 40 years ago. It was more important to me that both of them knew I was with them at the end.
Do not feel you let her down by not being there at the very moment she died. She was undoubtedly comforted by the time you spent with her during her leaving, and she chose to go between visits.