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I have had my mother living in my home for 6 years. We relocated to Florida then and brought her because she hated the cold. It’s been 6 years of hell. Now I need to move back to Ohio to help out my son for at least a year. My husband and handicapped son will remain in Florida while I work remotely part of the time in Florida and in office in Ohio. My mother is saying she wants to go back to Ohio, but I’m there to care for my son and his family; not her. She’s quite sulky about this. How much she wants to die in Ohio and see her only friend one more time (which is a lie), but I’m holding firm that she’s not coming. She’s making me feel selfish and like I’m off on some vacation. Am I in the wrong?

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If she has cognitive decline, she may be declining more than you suspect. People who are going through that aren’t really able to empathize or use good judgment. She also likely is very scared of what is happening. My LO used to be very clingy with me. She wanted me near by, almost like a child. I later realized that she sensed something was happening to her mind. She’d ask me if things were real or if she was dreaming. She needed comfort and reassurance she would be taken care of. As her condition progresses, she’ll need help with bathing, toileting, dressing, etc. can your husband handle that? I’d try to figure a plan for the time you’ll be gone.
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My mother has had some minor cognitive slipping the last year, but not serious yet. She’s a selfish, self-interested person; not always a warm or kind parent. My husband handles her best. He just tells her how it’s going to be and that’s that. She hasn’t given POA to anyone and is very secretive about her money and doctor appointments. Getting money from her is a chore and other than laundry; any help around the house is zero. She’s quite spry when she chooses to be, but can be “sick” for days at a time as well. She lives in an apartment behind our garage and takes dinner with us when what’s we are serving suits her. I’m not concerned that she’s going to wear my husband out; he won’t let her. Our handicapped son will come to Ohio within a few months once I have the arrangements made with a workshop, etc. I appreciate the comments. Sometimes you just need to hear an encouraging word.
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NO ONE is allowed to make you “feel” ANYTHING without your consent.
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You are not in the wrong. You must put yourself and your immediate family first. You've been very kind to care for your mother as long as you have. If she really wants to go back to Ohio, find her an assistant living facility there, where she can be close to family and friends there. And if not in Ohio, then in Florida, as it really isn't fair to leave her with your husband as he already has his hands full with your son, and you yourself stated that the last 6 years have "been hell". Why would you want your husband to have to deal with that himself? It's time for mom to be placed in a facility, so you and your family can get your lives back. Not to sound harsh, but your mom is not your responsibility. Best wishes.
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No, you're not being at all unreasonable. Do what you need to do for your son. It's great that your husband and other son will be looking after your mother while you are away. Focus on what you need to do and don't let her words and actions stop you from doing this. Also, while you are away this will give you the space to evaluate why the last 6 years have been hell for you. You might come up with a solution to this that you can bring home and put into action in the future. While you are away, expect to be bothered by "emergencies " from your mother, in order to get you back home, but be guided by what your husband thinks if this happens. Your son needs you and he comes first right now.
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No, you are not unreaonable.

Your mother is demonstrating very poor judgement and lack of empathy. These are part and parcel of dementia.

Mother needs to move to a facility now. If she doesn't, you may well cause YOUR HUSBAND to become seriously ill trying to care for handicapped son AND mom.

If your DH goes down, where does that leave you and your children who are your first priority?
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Your immediate family (spouse, children) take priority over your mother. It may be time to transition her to a facility before she burns you (and your family) out. The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both parties (you and your mom). It doesn't sound like this is your case. Are you her durable PoA? Has she had a cognitive exam mental decline? Please read the many posts on this forum under the topic Burnout. It happens to the best of people with the purest of intentions. But it's not worth the price you will pay. You are not being unreasonable...in fact, you are being too willing to bend over backwards at the expense of your own family. You mom probably has all sorts of mental decline that you aren't seeing (dementia, depression, etc). If so, she's the one who can't be reasonable anymore because those skills are going or gone. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you consider your choices for her future care.
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