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My elderly dad had a stroke almost two months ago. After being at a rehab facility, he wound up back in the hospital. My mom called my two sisters and I to come to the hospital. She told us he just wanted to come home and my sisters both agreed that he needed to be at home rather than a facility. I was the only one against him coming home because I was concerned about the care at home vs a facility, how it would work, etc., but was told point blank that he was coming home. My sisters both agreed with my mom and told her we'd all take turns staying and helping her, that "don't worry, we've got this." *I* have been the one here 24/7 since almost a month ago now with one sister staying for less than 24 hours one time. She says she has work, things to do, etc. The other sister told me she has a job and kids (teenagers, BTW) to take care of, even though she has a spouse there with the teens. I have been basically working from home since Covid hit with the exception that I have a couple of mandatory meetings each week. Those days, my husband leaves his job to come stay until I can get back.
Am I wrong to think I need a break? I'm writing this at 3:00 a.m. because I rarely sleep as I'm watching my dad. He has sleep apnea so I sit here waiting to be sure his next breath will come. Every single time he does that gasp thing to breathe, I know he's okay for another little bit. (Home health is working to try and help us get a C-Pap machine.) My mom is completely exhausted so I try hard to do whatever I can to help her take care of him, the house, and supporting her while also trying to let her sleep at night. I would never tell her but I'm totally exhausted as well and think I need a freaking break. Every single time I've asked if one of my sisters could come stay so I can go home, all Ihear are excuses. The one time I was allowed to go home, I fell apart and cried for a couple of hours while my husband held me. He then tried to get me to eat but I just took a sleeping pill and went to bed. I slept several hours, got up, did some laundry, did a Kroger order, cooked breakfast for him (the first meal I'd cooked him in weeks), took a shower and came back. I've been here ever since other than my husband coming so I can go to my meetings each week.
I'm freaking tired so I asked my youngest sister if she could come stay last weekend and she told me "You know I have kids and can't". I asked why her spouse couldn't watch them and she said "because I have to be there", whatever that means. I asked my other sister and she also had some BS excuse why she couldn't. I feel like they need to step up because while I know they both have jobs and lives, SO DO I. Other than them being upset that our dad had a stroke and is bedridden, their lives haven't been affected while mine has totally screeched to a halt for the most part. Every week I hope one of them will say they'll come stay so I can get a break, but every single time all I hear are excuses why they can't. My husband told me yesterday that I need to get them both here at the same time and get them outside so my parents can't hear and tell them that I can no longer stay 24/7 since they can't even give me a break on the weekends when they're not working. That they need to help me convince our mom we need to send our dad back to the rehab facility. This would just be an attempt to get them to agree to come relieve me on the weekends. He thinks they'll get upset and agree to come because they don't want him in a facility. I don't understand why one can't take Friday night and the other Saturday night. I think I need two nights in a row because the first night would be for me to fall apart and cry since I don't do it here. The second day would be for DH and I to try and have a few hours of "normalcy" before I have to come back to being a full-time caregiver. Since many of you have been doing this longer than I have, I'm looking for advice on how to handle this before I totally go insane! Thank you!

Your input was ignored when your dad had the stroke. No, not ignored, it was slapped down and overruled. Your sisters lied about sharing the care and bailed after you committed. Now you have expressed that it’s too much and there’s no concern for you, only themselves. I include your mother in that; she may be distressed, but there are options available to her which she refuses to consider.

I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’ll get no relief until you’re willing to be the bad guy and stop being their solution to this problem. It IS your choice but it carries consequences.
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Reply to iameli
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olddude Nov 12, 2024
Exactly. Tell the other family members that you are looking into facilities to place your dad, and if they don't like it, you will drive him to their place, and they can take over all of the caregiving.
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So you fell for the words your siblings said that you would all split the help in caring for your dad, and are now regretting that you did. I get it. You're being taken advantage of, no ifs ands or buts.
Caregiving for someone at home only works if it works for all involved and it's obvious that it's not working anymore for you.
So only you can change that. Time to tell your mom and siblings that at the end of the month you will be going home to stay and that you no longer will be assisting with your dad. And if your siblings want to take over they can, otherwise dad will have to placed in the appropriate facility, where he will have a team of folks taking care of him and you all can get back to just being his loving family and not his burned out caregivers.
Or mom can hire 24/7 in-home help which in all reality will cost more than having him placed. The choice is hers.
But you need to start taking better care of yourself so you won't be in the statistic of the caregiver dying before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. That choice is yours.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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If I was the one who said "No Dad needs to go to rehab or stay in the nursing home and my other siblings said he is going home, then that means they have agreed to do the caring and I would not help. You are being taken advantage of because you have no kids to care for. You and Mom are going to start having health problems because of the stress. You cannot do this indefinitely.

If Dad needs this much care, he needs to be place in Longterm care. Mom can see an Elder Lawyer about splitting of assets if Medicaid would need to be involved at any time.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Leave your sisters alone and accept their choices. It will be a weight off you to truly expect nothing from them. It’s what I had to do with my siblings and it’s far better than choking on resentment and bitterness daily. You can also go home. If dad's next breath isn’t coming, it isn’t coming, and nothing you do or don’t do will change that. You leaving will be the only way your family will see the need for a change in plans. Go home, focus on your home and family, minus guilt or apology. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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No doubt you are at your breaking point. Your sisters certainly didn’t keep their word about caregiving, did they? Honey, please establish boundaries. This level of care needs a staff of professionals, not one exhausted daughter being taken advantage of. Let them know, you‘re going home. Period. You matter too. Caregiving is a miserable existence and driving you into the ground. Sounds like you have a terrific husband; he will support you as you reclaim your life. Best of luck. Hugs to you.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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Have you pointed out to your sisters that THEY were the ones who said you all could pitch in and do it and YOU were the one who said it wasn't doable? And now you are the only one who is stepping up.

I'm sorry but you are just going to have to disappoint your mom and go home. You have altered your reality just so they don't have to face theirs. Get them all together and tell them you can't do this anymore. They all insisted they would help then they didn't and you can't do it all. They wanted this so they need to figure it out. Saving your mother is only prolonging them thinking that this is actually working.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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GO. HOME.
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Reply to anonymous144448
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Give 30 days notice NOW . This is not working . Nor is it fair to you . Your mental health is suffering . Your life is turned upside down while your sibling’s lives are not impacted .
Dad either goes in a facility within 30 days or you leave and they figure it out .

The nerve of them . It was their idea to bring him home , not yours . They should do the care ( not you ) or Dad should have stayed in a nursing home .
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Tiredniece23 Nov 13, 2024
Exactly 💯.
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Thanks for your responses! I texted them both stating how things were going to be from now on. I was very nice and non-confrontational but the sister that stayed one night got offended and told me "Don't come at me like that! Blah, blah, blah. YOU did this, YOU did that. This is YOUR fault, blag, blah, blah." I couldn't believe how she jumped on me and said it's all my fault she hasn't been here. That "we all can't work from home like you can", etc , etc. And that she has been planning on coming to stay on Saturdays but I told her not to when she asked last week. Um, yeah, your whole family had the stomach flu and my dad sure doesn't need that! The youngest sister didn't respond to my text about coming to stay while I go to a meeting until it was too late in the day for my schedule. She has yet to respond to picking a night on the weekend to stay and I doubt she will because "I have kids and have to be there with them" 🙄 I said what I needed to say and got jumped on by one sister and ignored by the other one. Whatever...
Later, I was outside on the phone with DH and when I cane back into the room my mom was crying. She said she and my dad had a talk while I was outside and he told her it's too late to recover and that he's given up. 😭 She told him she'd never let him as long as she alive and they cried again. She started crying harder and told me she's afraid there's no hope he'll recover and she just wants "to put him in the car and drive off into the sunset together because I can't live without him." And then we talked about whether or not he needs to really be in a facility. She said she really thought we'd be able to take care of him at home but she didn't realize how much it all entailed. Sigh... The whole entire thing just breaks my heart for both of them. 😭😭 Thanks so much for listening.
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Reply to mrsexhausted
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anonymous144448 Nov 14, 2024
How old are they?
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Ah yes. There is the perception that people without kids have nothing more to do at home but sit on the couch. That of course we have nothing going on besides our jobs! So we can gladly spend our nights and weekends and holidays doing whatever everyone insists they are just “too busy” to do.
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Tiredniece23 Nov 13, 2024
Yup. It's what my family was trying to throw on me and probably why I got saddled with medical POA without my knowledge even though I'm out of state
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