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Mom is 78 years old and developed mild verbal & memory loss after sepsis in 2013. In 2024, she sustained multiple closed head injuries from falls related to inoperable lumbar stenosis. Now she is in a wheelchair and homebound. At times she is oriented but (maybe precipitated by pain/stress?) will suddenly think I am an employed caregiver (which we don't have) and that her daughter has abandoned her. I am her only family in area.

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Would it help if you said “I am a friend and am here to help you now” and possibly “I can get Lisa messages.”

I think she might have Capgras. I wonder whether coming meds would help.

good luck!
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Reply to Suzy23
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Perhaps you could say that you are a good friend of her daughter, and you have promised her daughter that you will care for M when D is not able to be present. Give yourself a name (your middle name? A family name?) and prepare to be just as loving as her daughter would be!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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When you pinch your arm no one could make you believe your arm has not just been pinched. Your mother knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are not her daughter. That is the power of a rewired or dismantled or otherwise addled brain. The only thing you can do for your mother is assure her that Lisa is away momentarily for whatever is the most believable reason to your mother.

Then be prepared for the future when a. She no longer asks for Lisa b. no longer remembers that her daughter’s name was Lisa c. says Hi Lisa d. Stops talking. There are more options I am sure but my point is that on a good day she may recognize you but overall the disease progresses.

Just reassure her and notice whichever excuse you give for Lisa that works is a good one to use over and over until this phase passes.

For you I am so sorry because I know this is a sad moment.

Do have her checked for a UTI.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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I would continue to reassure her that her daughter loves her very much and is making sure that someone is always taking care of her. And maybe that you are in constant contact with her. I think trying to convince her that you are her daughter will only confuse and anger her because she is no longer able to recognize you.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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LisaCC Jul 20, 2026
Good point about arguing leads to confusion and anger on her part. Unfortunately, my sadness sometimes comes out as a touch angry - any pointers on controlling your natural instinct to argue?
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Sometimes you could tell her that Lisa will be back soon. Then distract her with something she likes to eat or do.
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Reply to Fawnby
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This belief you are an imposter sounds like Capgras Syndrome, which your mom may be suffering from.

Below is a link to an article discussing the syndrome:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/capgras-syndrome

Speak to her doctor about this as there are meds to address it. In the meantime, just tell mom you're her caregiver who loves her when she thinks you're not her daughter. Go with the flow, in other words.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I am sorry you are going through this, and although I do not have experience with this specific situation, funkygrandma’s advice sounds very reasonable and like it could work well. I’ll just throw out there that my dad, who struggles with multiple chronic UTI’s, can act similarly when he has a uti that is effecting him. Might not hurt to test?
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Reply to Hope21
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Even if your mom doesn't always know who you are she will always know that the woman who's looking after her is loving and kind and takes good care of her.
And if and when she mentions her daughter(you) abandoning her, you can just reply that her daughter has gone to work, is at a friends house right now, or is on vacation and will/should be back soon, and then change the subject.
Your moms brain is broken so please try not to take what she says or does personally.
God bless you for taking such good care of your mom who needs you now more than ever.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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LisaCC Jul 20, 2026
Any advice on not getting into the world of your lost loved one that often only leads to arguments and Mom feeling scared
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It's a good idea. Unfortunately, I tried with a familiar Tshirt and she just wanted to know "how I got a hold of Lisa's things" which continues to be brought up a week later as an attempt to steal.
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Reply to LisaCC
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Could you wear something distinctive that says “I am me” – eg funny headgear that you can put on no matter what else you are wearing? Something no carer would wear?
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