I am hoping to get some advice and verbiage I might use to help Mom understand that letting homeless criminals into her house is not a safe thing to do. I'm concerned about elder abuse.
Mom lives in her own home and has always liked helping the homeless. My middle-aged brother still lives with her. They take care of each other. Over the past 30 years she's let his friends stay with her when they're down on their luck.
For perspective: one was an alcoholic who ruined her sofa by peeing on it, another didn't like to do dishes and would throw them in the trash instead of washing them. Nearly a whole set of crockery was lost to this. Another "friend" was a drug addict who stole valuables from her. Now there's a woman whose criminal background is "aggressive" so no homeless shelter, not even the Salvation Army will take her. So, Mom said she could stay there. However, this woman has also stolen from Mom in the past.
Mom told me she has a "rule" the woman is only allowed on her back patio while she charges her phone, job hunts, eats, etc., due to the fact she's stolen from Mom before, but I can read between the lines.
I traveled 1200 miles to visit but mom only wants me to come over when this woman has left for the day which means late in the afternoon only for a few hours (probably because Mom knows I'll call the police if I get proof positive this woman is actually staying in her home.)
The thing is, Mom may be 80 but she's sharp as a tack and legally, she can do whatever she wants to do. Even if I don't think she's making good choices, she has the right to make her own decisions even if I don't agree with them.
Mom has the right to have my brother who can't hold a job and has never moved out live with her and she also has the right to give him an allowance to spend on cigarettes and beer. She has the right to decide to give his shiftless or even criminal friends a place to hang out or even stay. It's her home, it's her decisions.
This is how it's always been. It was this way when I was raised and it's still this way.
I've tried to "lovingly suggest." I've alerted other family members about the situation. I'm considering calling the state (except my mom is perfectly capable of making decisions.)
When I make gentle suggestions Mom screams at me, as does my brother. Regardless of what I say, regardless of the tone I use; kind, quiet, loving, I'm always met with (a lot of) loud screaming from both. No matter what I say or do.
Example: I dusted the den last week and my brother chased me out threatening to "step on my throat" because no one is allowed to clean except him. Except he doesn't keep up with it. I didn't criticize the dust, just started quietly dusting. Mom screamed at me for "setting him off." He's volatile and prone to rages. In her eyes my brother can do no wrong, nor can his friends. And, she's made it clear that it's her decision to let him (and his friends) live with her, even if they are criminals.
What might I say or do to help Mom?
Then we'll see if anybody is willing to take your homeless mother and brother into their home. Just make sure it's not you.
Encourage mom's neighbors, if they express concern, to report this situation both to local law enforcement and APS.
There really is nothing more you can do in the face of severe mental illness.
I think there's little likelihood that this will change, and I think any child thinking to get in the middle of it is in for a real sad time.
Or...is she afraid of your brother and its him allowing these people in. Maybe you should take Mom away from the house and see if this is something she is really allowing. Ask her if she is afraid of ur brother or his friends. If no is the answer, then nothing you can do. I would not even stay in her home when I visited. Give her no money or buy groceries because she will not get them. Just except this is what it is until the day you can gave her declared incompetent and place her. Leave the house to your brother. He will lose it anyway. Then he will be homeless and if that happens, do not help him because I think there is some mental illness here and you do not want to get involved with that.
I've been showing her independent > assisted living communities but she wants to stay at home with my brother. I was, however, able to get the homeless woman out of mom's house. It's as though she WANTS to live like this. Well, it is that she wants to live like this, she told me to go home and butt out.
To put yourself, willingly in situations with potentially AWFUL outcomes, and seeing it as not being a problem doesn't sound 'sharp' to me at all. She may be able to talk around you and make you think she's up to snuff--but by no means is she OK.
She's a vulnerable elder and probably should be reported as such. She could be robbed blind--which is bad--but she also could be assaulted or even killed, which is definitely NOT OK.
She's being manipulative with YOU--can you see that? Not letting you see the 'porch' tenant--b/c she knows you're going to get upset--that's not being 'sharp' that's being clueless.
I'd call APS in a heartbeat and possibly even the police. She's being used and robbed and thinks that OK.
I don't know if there's anything you can say to mom to get her to understand this is super dangerous. If you think she's 'sharp as a tack' then speak to her as someone who is.
Her sense of compassion is really skewed---if she wants to help homeless, ill individuals, she can donate money to local shelters and guide these people to there. She cannot safely run some kind of halfway house at age 80 and not get used and even hurt.
Sorry, but brother needs to go, too. He's a big boy. My mom fussed my OB to a ridiculous point. He also robbed her, abused her good nature and stole so much from mom & dad they had nothing on which to retire. Heartbreaking.
Somebody has to have her back. I hope it's you.
Good Luck.
who is ultimately in charge in the house ?
"The thing is, Mom may be 80 but she's sharp as a tack and legally, she can do whatever she wants to do. Even if I don't think she's making good choices, she has the right to make her own decisions even if I don't agree with them."
Nothing more need be said.
She has made her own decisions.
Stay out of it.
Stay away from it completely.
Send lovely card and box of candy once a month.
I'm concerned about YOU. When you go there and your wacko brother is chasing you and threatening to step on your throat, that is abuse. Its a threat to cause you bodily harm. Since he's a drinker, and volatile and prone to rages, he may do it.
Any of these homeless people who have access to that home could be a criminal or have a violent mental illness as your brother probably does. (Look up intermittent explosive rage syndrome, which in his case is exacerbated by alcohol). Mom and brother may think that is okay and want those people around, but you are a different story. It isn't a good idea for you to be there at all. You have no idea who has a key, nor do they, probably.
If you must visit mom - and I wouldn't - have her meet you somewhere that your brother doesn't know about, or go pick her up and take her there. Enjoy a few days together. Then leave.
That house is one brain snap from becoming a house of horrors.
OP, there is nothing you can do about this. And I have to say, gently, that this "concern" your mom has about "helping" the homeless goes wwwaaayyyy beyond the norm! Does mom suffer from any sort of mental illness? Because this behavior is dangerous, to say the least!