Mom needs to shower & wash her hair. How to get her to do it? I'm out of ideas.

I saw this in my mom before she had to go to a facility. I would tell her she hadn't washed her hair and of course she said she just had. I KNEW she hadn't showered because my dad would tell me she hadn't. She always had her makeup done and would always put on MORE hairspray after fixing just the FRONT of her hair. She never looked in the back. It finally got so bad and long (of which she always wore short cute hair) that I had to trick her to go to her hairdresser that she had always gone to. I told mom SHE had made the appt and it would really throw Ellen's other clients off if she didn't go. While mom was getting her hair washed Ellen told me that there was no way she could get all the hairspray out with just washing. She said she had to cut it off/out. I said Go For It that's why I brought her in. Well, needless to say her hair looked so nice and I don't even think mom realized how much Ellen had cut off/out. Ok, now on to when I had to place her in a facility due to not being able to handle her and my dad was recuperating from heart attack (which I don't know why it took him so long to have one taking care of her). I learned also as another post had said that the elderly and dem/Alzheimer's patients HATE to go into showers/ or in closed places. It would take 3 aides to get her into the shower at first. She finally calmed down and it was not a problem but for about a year or a little longer it was rough. Thankfully they don't remember this but are clean afterwards. I watched a movie once and the main character who had dementia/alz. went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It scared her death and she ran out and told her husband that there was an old ugly lady in there. I started investigating this and sure enough, there was info on this happening to others. So that is something to be aware of also (warning to others about mirrors). Anyway, I am now taking care of my 96 year old father although he just went to assisted living. He has taken only 1 shower a week for years. Thankfully he does that. Good luck to you and God Bless you. Can't imagine you driving a truck for 12 hours and then having to deal with caretaking. To all of you out there that work, God Bless. I've taken care my inlaws until their passing, my sister until her passing, and my father all without working. It ain't easy.....

What about just going to get her hair done....they will wash it without getting her wet.

I have been thinking about all the recent posts on the ‘hair washing’ subject. I imagine something like a large plastic toddler bib with a dished tray to catch water and nice soft towelling to go behind the neck. Then you could wash the hair (carefully) while the ‘victim’ is sitting up in a chair. A new product opportunity?

Two more ideas:
1) There are the dry shampoo powders that you comb through hair to absorb the grease. They were popular in my girlhood when people didn’t wash their hair in the shower daily. They were perfumed, and they might be better than nothing (or a fight). I don’t know if they are still made. I think that they may have been based on talcum powder. Someone else should remember.
2) My elderly Greek neighbour told me that in her childhood on Corfu, women didn’t wash their long hair, they combed it through with kerosene/ paraffin. Helen said that it made the hair lovely and shiny, and she liked the smell. (She also said that it was good for head lice, which I hope isn’t your problem!)

Soap and water isn’t the only way if the problem is about getting into the shower tub. ‘Wet ones’ as a bed bath can help as well.

Before my husband died at age 86, we had been married for 20 years. During that time I bet he never took more than 75 showers or baths. I recall he went 6 months one time before I finally insisted that he bathed. I had just wanted to see how long he would go before taking a shower, but after 6 months I could take it no longer and insisted. The odd thing is he never smelled bad, but his skin gave him away; it was flaky and dry. His hair did smell musty and looked oily. At the first part of our marriage I did not say anything because he was picky about his clothes and how he appeared to the public, so I did not want to embarrass him. But as time wore on I started to insist he bathe regularly. Finally I managed to get him to shower at least once a month which was great feat. It seemed to me he was fearful of falling in the shower/tub arrangement we had in the house, so I purchased a bathing seat to fit into the tub and a handheld shower spray so he could maneuver sitting down. He still didn't like to bathe but it did make it easier for him to do so. After helping him into the tub seat and giving him the shower sprayer, he could manage on his own. He called me when he was finished to help him out and to dry. I never understood his aversion to bathing and often wondered how he managed on his own before we were married. He was 20 years older than I was and died in 2016 at age 86.
Now, I have my 90-year-old mother living with me and she suffers from late-term dementia. She has always been meticulous in her care and appearance her entire life and still is. Doctors are always surprised than she still cares for her physical needs and even cleans her room and washes dishes and cleans the kitchen after meals. That is until about a month ago she stopped taking her showers. She did attempt to wash her hair in the sink 3 weeks ago but not since. I have offered to help but she never wants that from me. Modesty? The bath seat has been installed into her shower/tub but she does not like it. This is so sudden and I do not know what to do. She does take a sponge bath most mornings but I do not think that is enough. She is not a person I can insist she do something, unlike my husband, so I am in a quandary.

My Mom was in a similar situation I now tell her we are going to church and have to clean up and wash the hair to look nice for church. She was always a big church goer. I tell her on a Friday or Thursday and remind her she is going to the hairdresser. The aid gives her a sponge bath and I set her up to see the hairdresser at the facility. She usually initially gives me a hard time but constant reminding about looking our best for church quiets her down. Works for me.

I had the same problem with my mother for several years (probably longer) when she was still living at her house and I was dealing with her care and hiring help but she'd send them home or tell them to sit and read a book (!) She seemed so coherent when she talked but... in retrospect, I see the signs of increasing dementia, short term memory etc. But her STRENGTH of WILL was as strong as ever and she'd "hide" her symptoms or failings and/or lie about things she'd done when I found out. Anyway, over time I learned that a type of fear of showering is very common for the elderly... She was finally moved in to assisted living (which lasted only about 6 months until she grew so agitated and problematic they moved her into memory care.) She would NOT allow aides to help her shower, she would refuse to go to the in-facility hair dresser to get her hair washed and set. I finally hired a lady from her church to go sit with her (I have cancer since last year and had to stop all my many years of caretaking my mom. I finally realized that as the daughter, she knew how to manipulate me in ways she couldn't get away with when she was with church friends - strange how often THAT happens too, they want to present their "best" for people outside the family, but for family, well, that's another story). About once a month the church lady went WITH mom and sat in the beauty shop and then helped mom return to her room. My mom was simply too anxious to allow an aide to "drop her off" for her hair appointment, leaving her there alone. Probably the aide didn't return to help mom get back to her room. "Not their job" to babysit each patient. I can't ask this church lady to do this often, but it has worked a few times. Anyway, that's a lot of my story and not exactly about what you're facing.. but maybe it will give you some insight about some possible "ways around" getting your mom to bathe and get her hair washed. It's a huge learning curve for us who are taking care of these old folks with declining mental and emotional capacities. It seems to "logical" to US to just "wash your hair mom" when she may still seem physically able to get in and out of a shower. It's also may be embarrassing to your mom to allow you or a nurse/aide to come in and get her in and out of a shower. But remember that many geriatric nurses and elderly care aides told me it is very common for older folks to become afraid of showering. The water on their head seems to be one of triggers. Have you ever helped your mom wash her hair in a sink, if she's still able to bend over a sink? Are you preparing a list of potential in-home help aides, services, to help YOU care for your mom? How old is she? Has she had any or many UTIs by any chance? My mother's UTIs began back in 2011 and she would NOT take her antibiotics as prescribed (something I was unaware of until later). So she created a chronic infection in her body by not completing those courses of anti-b's and soon she would progress to serious sepsis and/or systemic infections, hospital emergencies, rehab stays, and then go home - all to be repeated again within 6-10 months... ! Just a simple UTI in an elderly person causes temporary dementia or the correct term I think is "delirium" (pretty scary to witness). Years of these repeated UTIs to systemic infections... I'm pretty sure fast tracked her dementia. Just another thing to be aware of.. .SO SORRY you're having to learn all this. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF please. Your quality of life matters just as much as anybody's including your parent's...

Hi 👋🏻,
I have a couple of ideas. Firstly, make sure you have it all set up and address any legitimate complaint she may have. Such as: get a small heater in there in case she’s afraid to catch a chill, get a shower seat so she won’t get tired, get the hose shower type so she doesn’t have to reach, get secure rubber mats so she doesn’t slip, get handicap rails to hang on to, get support rails to use to hold to get out...
Once you have all the safety and maneuverability taken care of then get special bath robe and slippers, nice smelling body wash, shampoo and cream rinse that leave her hair smelling good and feeling silky, get bath powder that feels good and maybe some lotion for dry skin, you get my drift?
As you’re setting it up tell her about how nice it will be and how she’s gonna LOVE this soap and that towel and how you’re going to set her up regularly from now on and ALSO that you’ve been informed that it is absolutely necessary and that you have been derelict in your job!!! It’s your job to keep her healthy, safe, and clean. So she has to eat regularly and get clean where it’s safe from any falls!

My Mom gets depressed and wants to stay in bed sometimes. She wants to just pee in her diaper so she doesn’t have to get up. I tell her, “It’s my JOB to make sure you are clean and fed!! I could GO TO JAIL for ELDER ABUSE if I let you wallow in your diaper!”

I have a big mouth and she irritates me to death with this attitude so I have an awful lot more I tell her about: getting a diaper rash, how she’s gotten bed sores and how they hurt and take a long time to get well, and stinking up the place and on and on.

I’m sorry but that just is not acceptable.

If I had to, I would get a professional in to tell her, even set up a schedule of days and times for bathing, with the veiled threat that if she wants life to continue as it is, she has to comply, or ill no longer get to be her caretaker and then she could no longer stay at home. It wouldn’t be a lie either.

Short of that, you can always resort to “grandma’s“ rules like you do for a toddler. There is no “grandma” there are just these rules that we MUST adhere to...”we have to take a bath now,” “oh no, we can’t put it off, we mustn’t,” “oh yes, it is time to take a bath, we have to get it done before we can ‘eat,’ ‘go outside,’ ‘take a walk,’ ‘turn on tv,’ whatever...

Luckily, your mom (and mine! thank goodness!) is still reasonable, though mine is prone to pout, bless her.

Mind you, mine still showers on her own (with someone nearby) but we still have plenty other issues...

Good luck,
Love Charlotte

You aren't the only one with this problem sadly. My mother is the same way. She is 85 and has had Alzheimer's for several years and it's more or less moderate right now. I moved her in with me in October of last year and she has not bathed or washed her hair or brushed her teeth in all that time. I tried everything. My aunt even tried to help. Nothing works. She does wash up from the sink in her bathroom (it has no tub...just a small shower which she doesn't like) so she doesn't smell too bad. I do wash her clothes. Her biggest issue is her dental hygiene which is beyond horrid. She has what we call 'death breath' because it smells like serious decay. But she--like your mom--gets angry and defensive and it's even harder to talk to her after that. I'm at a loss too. I hope your situation works out soon.

Could you shower w her & ask her to do what you do. I stand out of shower & ask did you get this etc. there are people just come trained for showering persons. Call Alzheimer’s help number. Live persons 24/7.

Same problems here. Mom is 90 with Alzheimers. She will never go willingly. Here’s what we do. My daughter gets the bath ready with stool, towels, soap, shampoo and warm water. I start talking to mom about the need for a bath. I put out my hands, face up, inviting her to come with me. She gets up saying “where are we going”. I till her to make her feel better and my daughter then slips in behind her. We walk together until she figures it out, then my daughter, (behind her) wraps her arms around her and walks her forward, with me in front, holding her hands and telling her there is no discussion, she will have a bath this morning. She screams, yells for help, tries to bite, and head butt us. We move her toward the bath and remove her clothes under protest. Once she is in and the warm water is flowing over her she totally relaxes and submits to the bath and shampoo. After its all over and she’s clean and smelling good, she takes a nap and doesn’t mention it again. We get this done once or twice a week as needed. She never holds a grudge and in some ways it seems to be getting a little easier. We’ve had to do it this way for about a year.

This is one of the hardest parts of caring for a loved one at home. Here are the ways I solved the problem from the time she first came to live with me until the end. Firstly, let me say that mother had only one kidney and was incontinent. She would also get angry and put her fists up if I dared suggest bathing (dementia).
(1) I washed her hair in the kitchen sink and got her arms and back 'accidentally' wet. Then I just proceeded to wash whatever part of the top I could (ensuring that the room was warm, towels were ready, etc.) I had the radio playing and would talk about the song, rather that what I was doing.
(2) I tried putting her in the shower, but it was tough, so I got us a membership in a health club and took care of her in the handicapped shower. The membership was far less than $25/hour with a 4-hour minimum for an assistant or nurse.
(3) As time went on, I played a game with her whereby I pretended to be someone else whenever I helped her with anything personal. Seriously, I'd leave the room and say I'd send Mary in to help her dress, in the bathroom, etc. I'd come back in with my hair pinned up and a different sweater on. Either she played along, or she really didn't know it was me. It allowed her some dignity.
(4) I got a plastic storage box - about 4" high and about 3 feet x 2 feet (the kind with the lid), had her hold onto the towel bar, step into the box and soap her down and rinse her off with lots of small, clean towels. (I got a dozen white, absorbent cloths at Costco for about $12.)
(5) I got waterless shampoo and soap from Walgreens.
(6) I used extra-large (8x12) adult washcloths 240ct for about $10 by Simply Right that have aloe, vitamin-E and chamomile to keep skin nice.
(7) I had NorthShore.com deliver underwear (they will send you samples) that are infinitely better than what you can buy in the store!

Additional information to keep in mind: My mother's urine never smelled. I had her drink water during the day, sometimes mixed with a little cranberry juice, or a squirt of lemon. Her diet was 'clean.' When she first came to live with me, she acted really 'weird' and I suspected a UTI (dark, pungent urine), so I gave her D-Mannose and lots of water to clear it out. I also restricted sugar/bread. What a difference!! Urine should be pale yellow with little or no odor.
Secondly, people with dementia have fluctuating moods. Treat them as if they are like the weather - don't push what you have to do if they are in a cloudy or rainy mood. If all you get is 1/3 of the way though, it's ok. Do another 1/3 the next day, and the next - which is how I had to bathe my mother at the end.
Taking care of my mother was a blessing and a privilege. I did it for over five years; I wish we had had even more time living together. Once I recognized the ebb and flow of the disease, our time was infinitely more pleasant than when I barked orders like a child taking over the parental role.

Maybe a psych evaluation? Is she depressed? Is this a sudden change in her behavior prior to how she was six months ago? Did she shower then? You mentioned her Neuro. What does he say about her lack of personal hygiene? Tell her that her Neuro is going to report you and that you’ll be charged with neglect and she’ll be sent to a nursing home unless she showers and washes her hair once a week.

Those Hair Wash Caps are the Nuts! Our Hospice provided them for my FIL who was bedbound, and you just put them on their head (they have a no-rinse cleansing solution inside), and just rub and massage them around on their scalp, and Presto, Clean scalp and hair, and my FIL Loved the Special Attention! They definitely do in a pinch, and their hair smells clean afterwards!

Once she gets used to the feel and smell of clean hair, she may be more acceptable to washing her hair the traditional way in the future, or even over the kitchen sink! You can purchase them at the Medical Supply store, or possibly at a Beauty Supply Store, or most probably you can order them through Amazon, which has EVERYTHING!

Definitely give it a try, she wouldn't even have to leave the bed or recliner, just have a couple of towels available and one wrapped around her shoulders!

My dad doesn't like to shower either.  I even bought him some nice smelling Old Spice shower gel so in case he dropped the soap, he wouldn't have to bend down.  A month or so after i purchased it, he came to me and asked me what he was supposed to use it for.  Yikes!  He still smells.  He has a shower stool in his bathtub but that's not the bathroom he uses.  I think I will put it by the door to his bathroom and tell him to put it in his shower (he won't let me in there. I have no idea what his bathroom looks like).  Now we're dealing with another bout of cellulitis.  He's had it in his leg several times before and now it's in his eye.  I gotta think that because he has all that bacteria on him, and then he rubs his eyes, this can't be good.

When Mom refused I told her she smelled. She got a shower.

The answer by Sandy 321 sounds like the most helpful. We took care of Hubby's Mom for 16 1/2 years post stroke. I had her in the shower every week by using a voice that was kind but determined. "The bathroom IS Ready FOR YOU to take a shower right Now." or "Right Now, It is Time for Your Shower". Almost never did she decline. It was warm, the towels were warm, and she could sit down during the shower. We had a handheld shower sprayer that was very adjustable. There were bars to hold onto with getting in and out and the bathtub mat had suction cups. I put a new one in whenever testing the suction was not up to muster. I also let her wear non slip shower slippers if she felt worried. I had her do most of her own washing with just me supervising what was next to do. I did her back and helped with doing her hair as she could not raise her arms up too high due to an old rotator cuff injury in her younger days. She always felt much better after getting all washed up. She was also incontinent, on oxygen and her mind was short term memory impaired. But she was amiable and NOT argumentative.

All wonderful options. It’s so hard to watch our beloved parents decline. I am in the same boat with the showering issue, and now Mommy doesn’t want to eat either. :(

I have nothing to add other than hang in there, be kind to yourself, and love her regardless of the smell. 💜

First you have to know this is so common, there are lots of reasons why they don't shower. My dad forgets and thinks just washing his face and brushing teeth is enough. He can't smell himself and sometimes the odor is awful. He was showering, for a while if I said I'm not taking you out if you don't shower. But last time he "showered" he smelled just as bad so I think he just sat in the bathroom to fake me out. I have a chair and a hand held hose - I have heard having water on the head can be very disorientating for them. I make sure soap and wash cloth are readily available and set the water temp and leave it on for him. I have also heard sometimes you just have to let it go. NO ONE will think badly of you (and if they do it's ignorance) I don't think there are answers just know you are doing your best - and it's enough, do not feel guilty or bad - your Mom is lucky to have you. Be good to yourself and good luck, we are with you 100%.

My mom is the same way. When I hug her I can smell her dirty hair. She refuses to take a shower, If I start to smell other odors I don't know if I will be able to stand it. Why do they not want to take a shower....

I let her do her sponge baths. And hair appt every two weeks. At the end I think I enjoyed the appts more than her. It was her safe spot. Where she use to socialize. She would say some off the wall things. Kept everyone guessing.....

She may enjoy going to the “beauty parlor” if this is something she did in her younger years. Explain to the staff how your mother is and ask for the most patient hairdresser they have, I take my father to a hairdresser who has a business in her home so it is usually just myself, dad and her. He enjoys the attention and even getting his hair washed once settled in the chair. Sponge baths can do wonders if supervised and use a good scented soap with moisturizer.

I agree with the fear of falls. Put a chair in her shower and be there when she showers. Tell her the truth, she smells and ANYONE not bathing for 6 months smells.

You have already gotten some good advice, but the cause of her not wanting to shower is critical. For my 92yo mom, it is such a physical drain she sleeps for hours after a shower. Since moving her out of her own home where she had a walk in bath she loved, she resists showers. Some ALF have a
Walk in bathtub in a room in the facility. So when considering where to place a LO, this is an important consideration for bath lovers.

is the bathroom extra warm? is it that she does need help, is afraid of falls, but doesn't like anyone to see her naked? (People that age can be extra modest.) Could you put soft music on? A colored mat in the tub. Inviting scents of some kind in the BR. Could you take a bath yourself and ask her to help you do your back, eg? Make it more than a chore that she for whatever reason finds un-doable. Does she spend time in the bathroom brushing her teeth, could you be with her when she does this to see whether she might let you help her wash, at first? A very good sponge bath might be good enough, if your mom absolutely continues to refuse. If you could convince her even once every week or two, this might be enough. Maybe let it go for a while, then start by asking her to help you with your bath a few times with the bathroom as comfortable as possible so she might get tempted.

That is difficult. I would ask the nurse to be the bad guy since they don't live with her. Or is a specific bath aid an option? We have aids that work with the nurse. They could phrase it as "doctor's orders" to hopefully talk her into it?
A short term solution is spray shampoo (in the hairsray aisle last I saw). Or I've used shampoo shower caps. You put it on, rub it around, take it off and dry with a towel.
Do you know why she's refusing? Shame of help, fear of falling etc? Maybe a psychologist/therapy could help.

I have had my 89 year old mother in law living with me for the past year.  She moved in on August 30, 2017. 
She, too, refuses to shower.  There is nothing physically wrong with her.  She, however, is incontinent.  She wears Depends 24/7, so you can imagine the odor she gives off. 
Whenever she is sick and needs to see the doctor, the diagnosis is always the same, a urinary infection.  I assume because of her bad hygiene.
Instead of getting in the shower to wash, she does sponge baths by the bathroom sink.  When you wear a diaper, as she does, this is not sufficient.
My oldest granddaughter dreads going near her because Nana often hugs her and poor J's head winds up in her armpit. 
In fact, in addition to refusing to shower, she is very sneaky.  I have witnessed her come out of the bathroom in fresh clothes and then take her shower chair and put it in the tub and turn on the water for about 10 seconds and then come out of the bathroom.  When I confronted her, as I was standing outside the bathroom door, she denied doing it, even though I stood a short distance away and watched it.
Before she moved in, we had a decent relationship.  I thought she was a clean, honest, nice woman.  That isn't the case.  She lies to me constantly and she is very sneaky.  And her avoidance of the shower is the icing on the cake.
I really don't like the person she is.  I don't understand how or why she lies to me all the time.
 I avoid contact with her but I still manage her medication and do her laundry and tend to any errands she needs taken care of.   My husband isn't too happy about the way I feel about her now but he spends a minimum of time with her also.  I always encourage him to spend more time with her since she is HIS mother  and not mine.
(She lives in our home but has her own small space - including her own brand new bathroom/shower in our basement.)
I don't know how to deal with her lack of maintaining her hygiene either.

I myself have not been in a shower for a year now...bad p.t.s.d. i also take sponge baths and i wash my hair in the kitchen sink every 2 weeks or so...maybe buy some dry shampoo or maybe she would like to go to the Beauty parlor and have her hair washed and styled.
Shes your mom...love her as she is and dont let anybody put her or you down. My mother passed 20 yrs ago and my adult children and grand and greatgrand children are not in my life.
P.S. Im on a waiting list for a P.C.A.
PRAYING FOR YA"LL
GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I ....JUST AS YOU ARE.
BEAUTIFUL.

First of all, I never ask my mother to do something. Asking sets up arguments. It sets you up for a yes or no answer. There's no reasoning with her, I will lose everytime. In this case, I simply run the bath then in a cheerful tone I say, "mom, your bath water is ready for you. You need to get right in before it gets cold." When I speak I'm not looking for permission. I'm communiacting that this is what we're doing. I was pleasantly surprised how well it works.

I understand your situation. I feel your despair. Mom is stubborn and after 6 months yes the body odor is apparent to all. Perhaps her doctor could intervene with an option of personal hygiene? It may be taken care of with the aids who come,- no option available per doctors orders. Parents are perhaps more receptive with the directives being given by others....and not having the personal hygiene a family discussion as anger and resentment sets in...once a week is reasonable from head to toe....
with best wishes,
Emi

I have a great deal of sympathy for you--it's hard enough to keep a job and then have to worry about this sort of thing. Have you tried speaking to her doctor about it? During the early stages of dementia with behavior problems such as refusing hygiene care, they can prescribe some medications that may help. Since she is able to self-care bowel and bladder, you may want to consider another option: Assisted living facility. Since she wants things "her way" but only needs minor supervision. If she is on Medicaid and she deteriorates, loses the ability to self care bowel and bladder--it is very easy to put her in a nursing home. If she is not on Medicaid, start considering that option and be very careful about how her assets are spent because there is a five-year look-back law. You will need to see an eldercare attorney to get her Medicaid ready. Believe me they do deteriorate and unless you are willing to quit your job and end up cleaning her feces and urine, change her diapers, deal with the frequent butt wounds from thin skin and considerable amount of sitting-- and basically pick up dead weight -- start planning on a nursing home route. Being a home caregiver is nothing admirable, but you sacrifice your own life and live in constant misery every waking moment for years and years..all because you love your parent. I tell people don't do it. Put them in a nursing home. You get no help from the government as a caregiver. NONE. Hiring sitters (who just sit and do nothing else) costs about $20 an hour. Certified Nurses Assistants, who help with bathing and hands-on care, is about $35 to $40 an hour. And if you hire people off the street which can do it as little as $10 an hour, you don't know what you are getting and if they CLAIM to get injured in your home they can sue you. So that's why it's better to use an agency because the workers are insured and if they get injured they cannot sue your estate, but they go on workman's compensation. Welcome to the world of elder care. And if you pay the same person over a certain amount you have to do their taxes..all kinds of garbage because the government is dirty. I do everything myself and it's back breaking and full of enormous stress..but I still love my mom and I know one day she won't be around so that puts me in great deal of turmoil I don't want to ever lose her. So yes being a caregiver left me an emotional wreck and I have nightmares of her dying. I'm just being honest--do you want to end up like me? I have two brothers and get no help from them. That's the way it is.