My parent in their 80's (not suffering from dementia) constantly instigates fights either with myself or others. The subject of the fights usually isn't personal but eventually escalates to that point. My parent watches nothing but 24-hour news shows or network talk shows that are similar. The instigating starts by bringing up something political or some socially inflammatory piece they've just seen or heard. Or they will make something up claiming that they saw or heard for the sake of getting the fighting started. Even when they're warned in advance if we're going to a social outing or have guests not to start anything political or inflammatory and even go far as to state what things they will not try to pick a fight on, it's no use. They manage to do it. We cannot have family gatherings or friends over because the visit or events always gets turned into a soapbox/forum for my parent to get into it about politics or some socially inflammatory subject matter. At this point we don't entertain friends and family at home anymore because when my parent has a bigger audience will work double hard to instigate the fighting and yelling. Any suggestions on how to stop the instigating before it starts? I would really appreciate any advice.
If you have to, once the bickering starts, state that life is already too complicated during this pandemic and you don't want to participate in more frictional activity. Then change the subject, or just leave.
I think sometimes people, young or old, provoke these kinds of arguments not only b/c they're upset about world situations, and feel uncertain about life, but also (depending on their personalities), b/c they enjoy friction. Or it may be that they need attention. And it could just be frustration; there's a LOT of that existing these days.
I don't know enough about your parents to infer what the underlying issues are though.
But do focus on the redirection tactic, at home, in private, before you consider further gatherings.
ETA: another poster reminded me of someting my psych nurse sister told me: you can't argue with "control freaks." (I apologize for that description, but it seems the best way to address those with highly dominant personalities.)
Too many family members just dismiss the older person as "old and stupid", so what's left for them but to engage with the chatter on the TV. I think the news shows, as repetitive and divisive as they are, give the older person something to relate to that isn't a reality show, game show, soap opera, or a violent police drama.
My recently deceased older husband watched the cable news shows 24/7 as well, to the point that I could recite chapter & verse the "subject of the day". Several times I could redirect him to listen to the streaming music stations, which changed his whole state of mind and put us both at ease.
Sometimes just giving them a voice and acknowledging their opinion can work wonders and diffuse a tense situation. As you stated, a strong personality has strong opinions as well. And it is easier for a spouse to redirect than a child. Some older people have a difficult time treating their adult children as intellectual equals--once a child, always a child.
Patience and kindness go a long way in establishing boundaries. Chastising, on the other hand, can create a toxic atmosphere.
It works. As hard as it is in the beginning, and as many times as you will leave with the tongue bleeding from having been clamped down on, it gets easier and easier and easier, and ultimately it becomes FUN! If a sort of sadism.
There is absolutely nothing so frustrating as someone who will not argue with you, right?
My dad doesn't even watch the news, but let someone tell him anything and off he goes. I will just acknowledge what he is saying with an "oh yeah, that is one way to look at it." Then we are off to the next rodeo.
Once you realize that you will never win, you can start looking for ways that shut him down without the drama of an argument. Because it takes two to argue, if no one engages he doesn't have an opponent.
If I had met my ex husband’s extended family ahead of time I would never have married him.
My line in the sand was a year or two after we married. There was a big family birthday party in a local Asian restaurant. 25 or more people, ranging from 90+ to my son who was 6. Uncle Jim started in on the racist jokes. I could not believe it.
I stood up and told him my son was not going to be exposed to the garbage coming out of his mouth and he should be ashamed to be talking like that in front of his granddaughters too. I would not spend another moment listening to him.
I gathered up my son and went to leave the restaurant. You could have heard a pin drop. The family were shocked, nobody had ever spoken back to Uncle Jim as he was known for his temper. They were even more shocked when he apologized to me and my son and promised to mind his language. He never spoke that way again in front of me.
For OP’s situation, you are allowing one person to dictate your socializing. I would very clearly state that he is not welcome to join in when you have friends over. If he does, then new living arrangements must be found within the month.
Also if you are paying the cable bill, electric bill, etc., you have every right to decide what is watched on TV’s in the public areas of your house. Me, I would block Fox News or whatever station he is watching.
My Dad does not live with me. He watches various crazy podcasts that are full of conspiracy theories. If I call into question the crap he is saying, his standard response is that I am mentally challenged and have no right to challenge him. But he is a retired teacher who hates to have his authority questioned, especially by a woman.
Burnt, you may explain to ur Mom that if she doesn't stop what she is doing, family will no longer visit. And you will not be taking her to visit. She will have to stay home. You going alone. She is alienating her family. First, I have heard that Fox news is not accurate in what they talk about. (I don't watch them or any news) I think most of us are tired of politics. I know I am. We want to talk about more pleasant things. I have a SIL that hasn't been north in years because her sister gets so worked up about politics. To the point she doesn't respect the other person's views.
You know what they say, never discuss politics or religion.
I was not raised in a family that argues, so when I married my husband, my FIL was a new experience to me. He, too, loved to start trouble with endless political topics, but he considered his pontificating to be "discussions." One-way discussions, but discussions nonetheless. With a family of seven kids, seven in-laws, and 18 grandchildren, he was in his element holding court at every family event (and there were multiple such family events every year).
I was always respectful but largely ignored him when he'd try to bait me, but he finally went over the line when he started in on my youngest son. He was berating him, talking over him, and ignoring the excellent argument my son was giving in opposition to his. I guess I forgot my "respect your elders" training, and I'd had enough. I got right in his face and just said very quietly, "LAY. OFF. MY. KID."
Amazingly, he never pulled that stuff again with anyone in my family. I'd drawn the line in the sand, and he got a clear message of what I'd put up with and what I wouldn't. No one had ever done that to him.
It's really sad that he never saw the damage he did, because when he died three years ago, his grandchildren weren't too upset by it. They don't have fond memories of their grandfather, and as he passed on his annoying habits to a couple of his sons, his legacy of being obnoxious continues, albeit to a lesser degree. Still, my daughter refuses to go to any family events, and I can't say I blame her.
You've just described my 68 yo DH.
While WFH he has had the TV on to FoxNews 24/7 and has gotten so incredibly amped up about EVERYTHING...he's really hard to live with, and being 80% deaf and refusing to wear his HA's, he's very loud and comes across like an old fart.
Last week he was trying to engage our daughter in some debate and he will not bend to listen to anyone else's POV. He is RIGHT and that's that. She simply ignored him. That made him so mad.
I did tell him, and have been telling him, that WE (both of us) are completely IRRELEVANT at this stage of our lives. Nobody wants to hear what we have to say nor care what we think. (I told him that as a white woman, I have NEVER been 'relevant' and our kids have always thought my ideas and ideals are stupid)
He will go down swinging, I swear. I tell my kids if he gets out of control, they should simply, quietly pack their kids and leave. And they do.
If I had a dollar for every time somebody asks me what's 'wrong' with my DH, I'd have a bundle. I know the deafness and the endless loop of right wing blather has made him much worse.
What's wrong is that he only sees one side of anything and nothing anyone says or does is even allowed into his brain.
You're not going to change your parents. Don't argue with them. My DH LOVES a good argument, but he also loves making other people look/feel stupid.
In our case, before I can let him retire, he HAS to get some counseling. So much anger---and though I try to divert his attention, he is a real pill. During COVID I have taken many long, endless drives and have kind of self isolated in the basement. I may go a whole day and not speak to him at all.
I just got put on a new med as my heart is acting up---tachycardia--brought on by, you guessed it STRESS. And I KNOW DH is the major source of that.
Be absolutely straightforward with your dad and mom. They wander into political arenas or any other area you aren't comfortable with and let them know that is not appropriate and tell them you won't put up with it. My kids have done this and it has helped a little, tiny bit.
In my own household my partner is soooo much more into the daily political drivel that is soooo repetitive. That just goes on and on and on and on. And is so predictable. I don't want it and I try to enforce not speaking over much about the same old story. I garden. I read. I walk. I cook.
I am 78. I have my one vote and cast it the best I can.
If you notice, with all the talk talk talk, no one's mind is really changed. Not a vote is changed but that it doesn't come from within.
I just make certain, and it's easy in these times when we can't meet up anyway, that I have an escape route, and I make "The Great Escape" whenever necessary to my own mental well-being.