Anyone become a live in caretaker for a narcissistic mother and have your relationship improve?

What sort of magical thinking is this? No, it won't improve and it will definitely get worse, if not from the narcissism but the dementia alone will burn him to a crisp. The way he will come to this conclusion is if you stay out of it 100%. No enabling.

"Any advice on what I can do to help once she's out here? "

DO NOT get involved. Your family seems to have problems with having healthy boundaries and defending them. You tell your Dad that you will absolutely not help out in any way shape or form, period.

You participating in the care will result in 3 sick people. If you help you will delude your Dad into thinking it's "working". Don't get involved and don't feel bad or guilty to tell him NO. You've been warned.

Okay, here's the straight skinny: No narcissistic emotionally abusive parent with dementia ever in the history of mankind has improved after moving in with a child who is hellbent on his last chance at getting love, attention and approval from that parent. EVER!

Plus once dad gets his mom moved in and later decides he's got to get her out of his home because his own health is suffering, he may not be able to get her out. She's a tenant, claims to be an abused elder, calls adult protective services, she's nuts but he has to prove it to get her into another place, hopefully a facility. He's too sick by then to do anything, but there she is, holding court in the front parlor and rallying forces to oppose her cruel son and diabolical grandchild (you). This is not an exaggeration. Check the legal advice on this as well as various posts on this site.

My advice on helping once dad does this foolish thing is not to help at all. Make that clear to him at the beginning. If you do get involved in helping, it will suck you in like a leech at the bottom of quicksand. You will empathetically want to help dad more and more. You will not be able to do so because nothing helps this sorry situation. You won't be able to unstick yourself from it. Then your dad will resent you for not helping.

Considering your strong feelings, do not be where she is at all. I've had a relative who was so repeatedly cruel and hurtful that even after she died, I would not have my name associated with hers and refused to have my name in her obit! There is nothing to be gained by being nice to bad people. I learned it too late; don't be like me.

Advise dad right now that you won't be helping around the house, filling in when he can't leave her alone, bringing food, taking her to appointments, or anything else. He's on his own. Please come back and let us know how things are going. We care.

So, to answer your main question the answer is no. My borderline personality disorder mom has Alzheimer’s and as it’s progressed she seems to have forgotten much of the eternal laundry list of perceived grievances that she spent her whole life fixated on and raging about. But I still don’t like her, she’s just less annoying to deal with.

The only thing I can think of to recommend to you is to work on thinking about and then accepting that your dad is choosing this. Whether or not it’s a good idea at all, which it’s not, for whatever complicated mix of thoughts, emotions, and fears he’s bound and determined apparently.

Do shore up your own boundaries by thinking ahead of time what you will or will not do for him. You’ve made a great start with the visiting rules but it’s going to get really hard when he’s suffering. Think now about how you can show him love and support without getting sucked in to “just one thing” or “just for one afternoon”. I’m sorry your dad is putting himself in this position and he’s lucky to have you on his side, even if he can’t say no to her right now.

This is your dad's life to live, not yours to control for him. You have kind and loving intentions for your dad, but obsessing about it to the point of being "terrified, lost, and destroyed" doesn't do anyone any good, so just accept this and move on, for both your sake and your dad's. If anything, badgering him until you're blue in the face may be causing him to dig in his heels to prove you wrong.

Let him do what he feels compelled to do. If you don't want to visit him there, invite him to see you at your home, and be supportive of him. If and when he decides that the situation is unhealthy, you can help him find alternatives. I'm sorry you aren't able to change his current plan, but it's not a permanent situation, so you can help him bail out later if necessary.

Have dad sign up here at the Agingcare forum so when he's at the brink of a nervous breakdown, we can advise him on what to do to save himself.

I hope he's ready and willing to bathe his mother, clean up blowouts and toilet her many times a day. This is something most of us are not prepared for, nevermind a male caring for his mother. Dementia is an other worldly condition as it is, which dad is fully inexperienced with. Then throw narcissistic personality disorder on TOP of it and oh boy. He's in for a world of hurt. My mother was always nasty, but she became truly monstrous once dementia settled into her already sick brain. It was very ugly and I never visited her (in Memory Care AL) alone. I needed a buffer to keep her acting somewhat civil.

As far as you're concerned, you can offer to take dad OUT once in awhile, away from the bedlam inside his home, and have a calm meal together at a restaurant. Dad can hire in home help on HER dime to get respite for himself, and get her into Memory Care where she belongs when he cries Uncle. Make CERTAIN he has medical AND financial POA for the woman or else his hands will be tied forever and he'll always be a caregiver slave, God forbid.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

It will not get better. There is never improvement in a relationship with an NPD. There is only setting boundaries and sticking to them. Read the book Boundaries. NPDs live to hurt others. My mom asked me to move in with her and I said absolutely not. Thankfully she got so very, very bad that I cut off all communication with her for years (and started to heal from the abuse) before she ended up violent and we had to do two IVCs to get her a psych eval and started on meds. I picked her up from the hospital and drove her straight to a care home. She complained bitterly and it took a long time for her to settle in. My kids visit her about two to three times a year and only when they want to. They do not visit her alone, but only when I go. I visit her two days a week and I am her POA. She still insults me and blames me, but she is settled into her new home. It's been 2 and 1/2 years almost. Have your dad watch the Surviving Narcissism videos on Youtube by Dr. Les. They helped me a lot. They explain how kids of NPDs seek approval and are often kinder people than their parents. It lays out steps to start to heal.

This is not good. Dementia takes away the filter. They also can't be reasoned with. I have not heard that Narcissists get better when they have Dementia of anykind.

Ask Dad if this does not work for him, he will place her. He is important here too.

If your Dad is hell-bent on this, perhaps he could make it for a fixed period with a review date, for example 6 months. A planned ‘review’ is easier than just waiting for things to get so much worse that they are unbearable. It could be worth getting documentation set up in advance by a local lawyer, to deal with what to do when a negative review comes up.

Let your dad’s choices be his own. You’re wisely enacting boundaries by not interacting with someone you know to be unhealthy for you. Continue to do so. Don’t listen to dad vent or complain about her, at least not much at all. He needs to accept what you have. No, she won’t be better. But dad is an adult free to choose what he wants to do

Your NPD GM is now more damaged, not less.

This from google Ai which mirrors what is often said on this forum regarding NPD bring lessened by dementia.


No, elders with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) typically do not get better as dementia progresses; in fact, their narcissistic tendencies usually become much worse. 

Dementia degrades the same brain networks responsible for impulse control, self-awareness, and emotional regulation. This deterioration strips away any filters or coping mechanisms the individual used to mask their behavior, resulting in an exaggeration of their lifelong personality traits. 

Why Narcissistic Traits Intensify with Dementia

Loss of Coping Mechanisms: In earlier life, an individual with NPD might use intellectualization, social masking, or superficial charm to manage their relationships. Dementia damages the prefrontal cortex, removing these inhibitions and causing raw, unfiltered behavior.

Exaggerated Defensiveness: Individuals with NPD thrive on control, superiority, and admiration. The vulnerability, confusion, and memory loss caused by dementia directly threaten their fragile self-esteem. They often react to this perceived threat with heightened denial, rage, paranoia, and severe projection.

Amplified Lack of Empathy: Because dementia physically diminishes a person's capacity to process other people's needs and perspectives, a baseline lack of empathy transforms into complete emotional blindness. They may become increasingly demanding, critical, and ungrateful toward family members or professional staff.

Confusion Mimicking Intentional Manipulation: In the middle stages of dementia, an individual may accuse caregivers of stealing from them or plotting against them. While this looks like typical narcissistic manipulation or gaslighting, it is often a combination of lifelong personality patterns and dementia-driven paranoia. 

The Late-Stage "Softening" Illusion
The only phase where narcissistic traits appear to "improve" is in the very late, severe stages of dementia. At this point, the destruction of brain tissue is so widespread that the individual loses the cognitive capacity required to formulate complex personality traits, manipulate, or maintain a sense of grandiosity. They become profoundly dependent and passive, which caregivers may perceive as a softening of their personality, though it is actually the result of advanced cognitive depletion. 

Caregiver Survival Strategies
Caring for an aging individual with NPD and dementia is uniquely exhausting. Organizations like the National Council of Certified Dementia Practitioners (NCCDP) recommend the following approaches: 

Stop Appealing to Logic: You cannot reason with dementia, and you cannot build insight into a narcissist. Avoid arguing, correcting, or trying to prove them wrong, as this will only trigger a rage cycle.

Use Detached Validation: Acknowledge the emotion behind their complaint without agreeing to their distorted reality (e.g., "I see that you are frustrated, let me handle that for you").

Set Rigid Boundaries: Protect your own mental health by stepping away when outbursts occur. Remember that while the disease exaggerates the behavior, you are not obligated to absorb emotional abuse. 

If you are currently caregiving, it is highly recommended to seek professional support. Consider connecting with a local caregiver support group through the Alzheimer's Association or consulting a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate if targeted medications can help reduce the patient's paranoia and agitation.

*What stage of dementia do you think they are currently in?

See below on what was said regarding your dad being her caregiver.