When getting your nails done isn't enough. I'm really starting to worry about my own mental health. I wake up every morning on the verge of tears - a lot of times I have tears running down my face while pouring my first cup of coffee. My mom is my first thought when I open my eyes and my last thought before I fall asleep. Then I wake frequently thinking of...wait for it...mom. EVERY time the phone rings my stomach clenches up, sometimes to the point of getting sick. I tried giving my mom her own ring tone or even a seperate line to call but often where she lives call from her room or she gives the seperate number out so that doesn't work. If I just don't pick up then I worry about what bomb is waiting for me on the message. Last night one of my moms old friends called - we had to move mom - again - last Monday and the friend wanted to see how mom is. The friend was so kind - asked me how I was doing, said I was a wonderful daughter for all I did - things I haven't heard from my own mom in years. From mom I get nothing but meaness. And yes - I know it's the disease but repeating that montra just doesn't help anymore. Because I have an adult son with severe autism living at home getting away isn't an option. And frankly "carving out me time" is so difficult and stressful it can make things worst. I just want to go ONE DAY without my phone ringing, without having to talk to her doctor, her pt, where she lives...her,her,her! Short of running away from home, I don't know what to do. I want to clean my own house, go to the store without picking up something for her. I want to be more of a wife than the tired, drained bitch my husband comes home to - he wants that too, I'm sure.
On a side note I did want to respond to comments regarding my son. He is nonverbal and functions at about a two yr old level. He is the light of my life and rewards me everyday with the most beautiful smile you've ever seen. My most peaceful moments are when we'll take a nap together - I put my arm over his chest and feeling his heartbeat sooths me. I am beyond grateful that I will never be able to do to him what my mother has done to me.
Rainmom, get professional help (Mental therapy with a LCSW, psychologist, etc., through your health plan, if it covers it) to get over the guilt. I made an appointment for next week so I can get some coping strategies for dealing with my angry mother. I can't wait to see what they have to say! Obviously, we can't figure it out ourselves, and that's when we should get help. We are toxic to ourselves if we don't. They will teach us what we don't know.
In my case, I relate strongly to Parentalptsd. My mother was not physically nor verbally loving when I grew up, but I was never mistreated. I just felt "in the way". I found out at age 11 that I was a big "oops", as my mother was separated but still legally married to her first husband when she got pregnant with my father. They were drinkers and "got caught". They married even though my mom was not divorced from hubby #1. They divorced 5 years later. It was a crappy childhood.
I stayed in touch with mother all my adult life and she was at all family get togethers. She always wanted to be the center of attention.
Now, she's 92, has Alzheimer's level 5-6 and dislikes me very much. I just put her in a memory care home and she attacked me on the second visit. She loves my husband but can't stand me. The "normal" reaction would be to not see someone if they don't want to be around you. Given my childhood, my feelings are only lukewarm towards her. Hopefully, the therapist will help me deal with her.
We all have our own difficulties with this damn disease and I'll take any help I can get. Like I've said, "I'm doing the best I can." We are not their saviors. The only thing we owe them is their safety, food, shelter and basic comfort. I'm sure you have provided her that, as I have. Do not go crazy trying to be superhuman. She's fine.
I'm watching my best friend loose it all (health, mind) because she made a promise to her grandmother to keep her at home until she dies. At this rate, my friend will die first from the stress. Those nearer death should not affect the lives of their caregivers to such a point that they suffer sickness/death. At what cost is caregiving?
Took mom to the grocery store this week and while I was checking out I noticed a man around her age was talking to her while she was waiting. I walked over and joined the conversation. Out of nowhere he starts crying saying that his only caretaker, his nephew, dropped dead that week at age 56 and he has no other immediate family. That friends brought his ashes back to the house and he has adopted the cats. It was so heartbreaking. Told mom cherish the help you have from your daughter.
I visit when I want and have removed myself from day to day caring of mom.
If I did not take this step..... I would probably be in the hospital myself. You cannot do it all by yourself. My breakdown taught me that. My immediate familly suffered because I was trying to take care of mom.....
Please take care of yourself first. Don't feel guilty because you will be the one getting sick and mom will outlive you!
I too would like to join the chocolate party, but not under a bridge. How about a great spa where we get massages and heck nails done too!
Distancing or detaching are not selfish - they are self protective. It is not good to push yourself to the point of collapsing, but you know that already, so the question is why do so many do it. We have to care for self - put the oxygen mask on ourselves first. Sounds like you are caught in the FOG. Check my earlier post for that. Let go of the false guilt. ((((((((hugs)))))))
rain - good for you. Did you make a drs appointment for you? From what I see in this forum and with my own experience with my mother often the main thing that helps at this stage of life is meds. She has vascular dementia, borderline personality disorder and narcissism and without meds is agitated, paranoid, delusional, has psychotic attacks... With meds she is calm and her life is manageable. A regular sleeping pill has been added as well as an antidepressant recently. As the disease progresses the meds need to be adjusted. Keep focussing on and looking after you.
At one point the folks from my mom's facility were calling me everyday at work, I really never found out why. I sat down with the social worker and told her that my brother or I should be called in a medical emergency. That I was not transporting my mother anywhere in my personal vehicle since she tried to grab the steering wheel out of my husband's hands. That I couldn't push her wheelchair because my knees are both bone on bone. That I couldn't take my mother to outside dr appointments without an aide because I can't talk to the doctor and tend to my mom's bathroom needs and anxiety at the same time. You know what? They listened.
YOU are not the expert here. They are.
Ask them to call you when they've figured out a medication regimen that works.
Everyone has already given such great suggestions already....but one thing to keep in mind, is that some day, she will pass away, and you will miss her (hard to believe that). So be sure to keep the big picture in mind. My mom is gone now and I had spent so much time & energy taking care of her needs (multiple phone calls some days, yes) that now, I find myself not knowing what to do with myself. Except that my (rotten) siblings are making my life miserable over the estate proceedings.
Does your son ever answer the phone or talk to grandma?
I would ask the prescribing doctor when you could expect that the Ativan would be effective, give it a chance first before trying something else.
I'm going to get a dr. appointment for me - by the end of the day. The comment that me denying the need for help is exactly what my mom is doing - well, that hit home.