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I have gotten some good advise, however it was from ones who walked in my shoes. I get frustrated when others think I have all this time in the world to do things. Like I am just here mooching off of mom sitting on my behind. I guess I am judged harder cause of my age. I don't think age has anything to do with caregiving. Its hard at any age when your in this situation. Just because I am in my 30's doesn't mean I don't get tired, or depressed. I have children ranging from 9-17 which that is a full time job as well as taking care of mom. I have been asked to hem clothing for neighbors, asked to bake cookies/pies, I have been even asked if I could crochet a blanket. My one neighbor was appauld that I don't plant a garden and can food(because my mom and dad did it) I just wander what these people think I do all day??? Just because my mom did things for them and was a "suzy homemaker" that doesn't mean I am her replacement. My neighbors would rather gossip about moms condition and tell me what to do rather than taking a step in the door to see for themselves. Lately, I have been ignoring there calls "thank god for caller ID"!!!! I don't mean to talk bad about these neighbor ladies. They are very nice but they just don't get it.
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Do not have time now for full disclosure - will respond better tomorrow - but, in a few words, I like to say to critics "How is the view from the cheap seats, anyway?" That is, those who are not personally invested in the care of an aging parent find it very easy to criticize. Tell them to divide up the time in a 24 hour day and help, put up, otherwise, shut up!
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Someone once said that when you're up to your neck in alligators, it's hard to remember that you originally came here to drain the swamp. I've been taking care of my disbled wife, her mother, my mother, my step-dad and/or my oldest brother for the last 17 years. I don't hide it. And I'll take good advice from anybody who has some to offer. If the advice is no good, I ignore it. But I give it a look first. Someone who isn't doing intimate care during meal prep is right when they tell you that you should be doing these two activities one at a time and not together. Care giving is a crazy place sometimes, and maybe someone on the outside looking in might have something to contribute worth hearing. The crazier giving care is making you, the more likely that outside observers can offer you a cup of sanity with their advice. I've been on the receiving end more than once. Good Luck, and God Bless You for the care you give.
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One of my good friends who I haven't seen in 6 yrs came to visit last week from Oregon. She was full of advice, advice, advice; advice of which I had not asked for. Instead of a visit from my dear friend, I endured a week of pressure and more work than I already have. She was completely oblivious to the stress I am under. All I did was entertain, and run her around everywhere. People just do not understand what this is all about. I had to rework my whole schedule around her. The crazy thing was that she stayed with dad and I, and didn't seem to see how sick he is! I think people just choose not to see what's going on.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

~Henri Nouwen
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ignore them. they haven't a clue, and really, they ought to be grateful they haven't. smile at them benignly and say, "yes dear. . . "
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The answer is right there in your question FeelingNuts (love the name!). It is precisely because they are NOT caregivers that they feel entitled to give you that callous advice. People who have never done this job have absolutely zero idea of how just how exhausting it is mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It's easy for others who are happily going about their lives to look at us and judge not having a clue as to what we're dealing with. I say ignore them! If they are your "friends" you might want to consider just how loyal they are. If it's your family guilt could play a big part in their accusations. If it's just people who are on the outskirts of your life keep them there. There are some wonderful things that come out of our caregiving. We learn that we are stronger than we ever thought we could be, we discover who really cares about us, and those who are fair weather friends, we gain a sense of pride and accomplishment that non caregivers will never experience, we are role models for our children and others who will eventually be caregivers themselves and we learn to appreciate the smallest of lifes gifts. This will not be forever, and we must always keep that in mind. It is easy to forget that because the daily routine and exhaustion makes it feel like it will never end. We get into a groove of depression, and loose all sense of reality. I try to remind myself of all these things every day. There are many days that I forget too, and the grind feels once again too much. The Universe would never trust those who are unworthy or incapable of such a task, so hold your head high!! Completely, and I mean COMPLETELY ignore those who do not understand your sacrifice. They are unworthy of your worry. Stay strong, and remember we are all here, and are all PROUD of you!!! LOVE and LIGHT
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I am stressed today as it is almost every minute care my dad is a very needy person who has been selfish throught these years. I really get angry when I am told that I am cutting my life short by not honoring my parents. What more can I do to honor I have saved him 120 thousand dollars that the nurseing home would charge to do what I am doing for basily free I have given up my life totaly the ony 2 things I still have is tv after they go to bed and my computor this is my freedom . What really bothers me is that i am not really apprated for what all I do it is just expected of me. My dad will not hardly reach across the table for anything my mom wants him to have the best care and really hounds me They have no clue of what I have given up. My brother lives a few states away and comes in every 6 months or so to give me a break but that is not enought. When it is over everything is split down the middle and I will have to buy him out I have had to buy a lift van to just take him to the dr. I am not too good to do what I am doing but sometimes I just feel used. I don't know when it is over if many of my family will ever see or hear form me again.
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Nina I agree with you I cared for my Grandparents and my Father.... now my Mother.. It is not easy and there are days with my Mom I would like to tear out my hair but I know I will be thankful I did it. My Father wanted to be able to die at home, and we had hospice for medications and equipment by my son and I cared for him. He was able to die peacefully with dignity at home. I miss him EVERY day but I am thankful he is not suffering ...
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I totally understand what you are going through as I took care of my mother for 6 years in my home with no help from family. There were times I was so tired and depressed I didn't think I could face another day. My health also started failing and after 6 years, I finally had no alternative but to place Mom in an assisted living facility. Even though the Assisted Living Facility was absolutely top notch, she only lasted two and one half months after I placed her.

Now I look back and actually miss taking care of Mom even though it was extremely stressful, confining, frustrating and overwhelming. I am so glad that I took care of her for all that time even though at the time I thought it was the hardest thing I ever did. It wasn't. Losing her is the hardest thing but because of those 6 years, I have some wonderful memories that other family members who never called or visited will ever have.

I don't know if this helps you or not because it is so difficult when you are caring for another person's every need but trust me, one day you will look back and be glad that you did it.
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This is a roller coster ride I am very Thankful to still have my parents but then I am also tired and burnout from all the work. I have been a 24/7 care giver for almost 4 years now and have helped them many years before but they have also helped me. I live close so my days are back and forth and I spend the night with them . My husband had rather it be this way. I know what it is to loss yourself and how you can become angry with the others in the family as you carry the whole load. My parents are set in their ways as I am sure most are. I can't bring in outside help for my mother is very shy and I am not going to stay and babysit another aregiver.
I don't clean up very much and only go to the store when not many are there. I lose my patience some but I truly believe that it is not possiable to do this and not feel this way. I will be lost when it is over as I am close to my parents but they don't even think I care I can't make them understand that I am burn out and tired my dad will not extrise so he get weaker and I have to carry more I think this is what bothers me the most. My brother lives a few states away so he doesn't help alot and he is not a caregiver and would put them both in the Nurseing home. They would not fair well in a home i know them too well. So this is a roller coster ride for me I am grateful one day and tired and burnout the next as I am sure many others are. I pray for strengh and patiance more than anything. Sometimes I wonder if it is this hard for a reason for when it is over maybe we will be too tried to greif like when a teenager moves out it is a relief when they have pushed you to the limit you love them but you need a break. Unless you have been a caregiver you don't have a clue. Good luck to all the caregivers out there like I tell everyone I may not be doing it right but I am doing the best I can. A Blessed Merry Christmas to everyone.
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I didn't get it till I was doing it! My cousin dealt with her mother in law for years -- mean as a snake with dementia on top of it. I had no idea how hard, how life-sucking it could be. I'm looking for the good and finding it. It's not a total nightmare. But I think there really is no WAY to "get it" without the experience of it. Even saying, "It's like having a toddler again" isn't a close enough analogy. So when people start giving me advice about what to do, I have been saying, "It's so clear that you care a lot about (me/my Dad) and I am grateful for that. Thank you AND I'd love to talk about a new topic now." So their loving impulse to help is deflected. Pep talks don't help. Sitting in for a few hours while I'm waiting for a repair guy to come but have to take my Dad to the doc -- that DOES help. So, find ways to help people help you in ways that help. OR -- ignore everything I suggest here, if that's helpful! Whatever works, works Sending love...
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Oh I know so well. Example, my mom is last stage Dementia. She is bedbound, unable to walk, feed herself etc... But one of moms "friends" who hasn't been here to visit mom in a year calls me periodically. She insists mom will pull out of this, mom is just depressed. She wants me to take mom to all these drs she looked up on internet. She tells me not to give up on mom!!!! I have been with my mom for almost 3 years now 24/7 allowing mom to live at home. But then I get questioned not to give up. Oh it burns my bottom. I have ran my mom all over to many doctors and got same diagnoses DEMENTIA. At this point she is on Hospices she will never be "herself" again.

I guess people who arent involved in the act of caregiving don't get it. They see what they want to see. They live in a world of denial how bad the illness is and think all will be well. I wish mom would get well, but the reality is the opposite and there is no denial for me. I was slapped in the face with reality.

People mean well, I just get bothered by ones giving me pep talks when they have no clue what I have and am going thru.

I have learned just to let it go in one ear and out another. I got a full plate here with my mom. I don't need to be bothered by what people say. I just grin and change the subject.
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I hear and know what you are saying.
These people probably don't know what else to say to us, may not really "get it".
Actually, we really do have to appreciate what we have....what we have left that is.
We have practically lost ourselves, our lives....sometimes I feel more dead than the people I am trying to keep alive. They have hope, and I am loosing mine.
That is what my life has boiled down to.....giving hope, happy times, personal care, love....
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I'm so glad you are using this forum to vent your feelings. No one knows what we do until they do it. You'll hear from many, I'm sure, on the site. Please keep coming back and reading the posts. You will at least be reminding yourself that you aren't alone.
Carol
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