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Thank you all for your kind words to me. They have helped me put things into perspective. I was more than happy to bring my loving mil into my home. Things changed quickly after being here when she started to see my as being involved with "her" husband, which of course is my husband. The intimate setting of our home just made things harder for her to realize who he really was. And he does look like his father. So she would do literally nothing for me in order to care for her, showers, getting out of bed etc. Yes she called me names and told me she hated me and at first it did hurt my feelings. But I should say, after hearing it so much, it started to not hurt anymore, it just made me angry and I started to lose the loving feelings that I had for her. And I know she couldn't help it. But it's very hard to give up your whole life, and that is exactly what I did, to care for someone that is so hateful to you. I missed out on time with my two young granddaughters because at times they were afraid of her. She could also be very sweet with time, so it was just so confusing for them. I love her and I do believe that now that she is out of the intimate setting of our home and seeing us together just doing everyday things or just sitting beside each other holding hands which would trigger her, I think she will improve. She will of course get to the point that she may not know who we are, but more importantly for now I hope that she will know who we "aren't'.
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medicaidmaze20 Aug 2020
For my own LO with later stage of LBD, every day is a new day. Some days are better than others. The good days are sweet I write a journal of sorts each day I visit-bring cookies, flowers, a card-hopes of the item will be a gentle reminder that I am "there" for LO when I have to leave her. While knowing most days are a struggle for my LO. The move here last year and 2 more moves since for decline and behaviors. Move and change are hard for the LO to understand and adapt-some people will adapt/calm/change for the better and some will not. Each move made things worse for LO did not really improve-is not the nature of the disease in my case-sad but I had to accept this fact and not be expecting things to get better for LO-this is my reality. Covid is not helping with maintaining a relationship-hugs and kisses are a big part for my LO-sadly not allowed now.
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Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. Unless the hurt names are coming from MOM!!! Then it hurts a lot!!! Which is why you have to stay away from mom and all of her hurtful comments. Walk away from her.
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cxmoody Aug 2020
Yes. It DOES hurt.
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I am going to add to the message I just sent. As I found with my mother and now my husband, they want to be in control, but their mind has jumbled everything so much, they can’t but fight it. That’s why I say, stay calm, calm voice and remember “sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”.
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You are not horrible. Yes it does give you relief. I had that same feeling with my mom. It is even harder for you because she is not your mother, so I am sure you have held in your feelings most of the time. Oh my mother was a feisty person almost to the end. We got my mom into the secured memory care home by taking her to lunch there, in the assisted living area, then walked her into her room in the memory wing. Had her things already arranged in there so it looked some what familiar. She too thought she was in a care home while still in her condo. Well after I left her the first day, she was a handful and it continued for about a month. She took all her clothes off the hangers and bundled them up in a blanket and tied it up like a hobo sack. They had given us permission to hang pictures on the walls with nails and she ripped them right off the walls. I would not visit if she was giving a real fuss so she could settle in. Sometimes the person like my Mom always got her way and with dementia on top of it, which is like dealing with a 2 year old, a naughty 2 year old at times it made it more difficult. I kept in mind it was the dementia and tried to take what was said in anger as dementia confusion. Stay calm, calm voice, don’t explain or reason with. I would tell her this is what the doctor said is needed for her safety.

My friend had to place her husband in a home just before the virus lock down so was not able to visit him. He too was close to unmanageable but did settle down and about a week later when they talked via zoom, he said he couldn’t talk they were looking at buying furniture and he had to go.??? Guess he was settling in.

Your MIL will go through many different things. Don’t be surprised at anything and don’t expect. Dementia is quite a trip as I now 13 years after Mom passed, am caregiver for my husband with Alzheimers. Know you did the best for her.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much. And you're right, it was so much harder because she isn't my mom.
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Totally normal -- all of it.

I remember a woman who was brought to live at my mom's memory care facility. She had been a nurse so she was pretty sharp on some things, and she knew full well she'd been moved to a locked facility. She cried all day, every day for a week, and every time I visited my mother she was out in the courtyard pacing around weeping. Within a week, you'd think she'd moved to a resort. She was loving life and had made friends, and everything was fine. She's been happy as a clam every since.

The only "good" thing about dementia is that a new place becomes home to them very quickly. Your accompanying relief is also totally normal, because you know she's safe and cared for now. Don't beat yourself up.
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Please don't be ashamed of your feelings, my friend. It's okay to be relieved to have a dementia patient out of your home and in a care facility where they'll be safe and cared for by professionals. You'd have no qualms whatsoever about admitting your MIL into the hospital if she were physically ill, yet you're beating yourself up about admitting her into a care home for being mentally ill. It doesn't make sense when it's put that way, does it?

It's normal for your MIL to be acting unhinged on her way to the new care home. There is no rhyme or reason to dementia, nor is there any day-to-day sameness involved. One day she can be lucid and you think, hey, maybe she's not that bad after all!!! Then the next day, she's spitting and cussing and you think, hey, she's unhinged and has to get out of here before I lose my mind!! That's the nature of dementia: up and down and you never know what the heck to expect!! And that, in and of itself, makes the condition even WORSE to deal with. The 'not knowing' is worse than anything.

In a care home environment, your MIL will adjust eventually. She'll make friends, get hot meals, entertainment, activities, and everything else she needs in the way of help with daily activities. You can go back to being the daughter in law and your husband can go back to being her son instead of her care givers. It puts the relationships back in their proper places and you can all breathe a bit easier.

Last but not least, it was easier for you to take care of your own mother because she didn't have dementia; an affliction which turned her into a child throwing tantrums and spitting, or playing with feces and peeing on the floor. You are comparing apples to oranges and expecting yourself to have the same 'compassion' for your MIL that you had for your mother in spite of the fact that the two women presented 100% different issues for you to deal with. Right? Most people are unable to deal with dementia sufferers at home, after it progresses to a certain point. Memory Care homes are the very, very best and safest option, as most of us eventually realize.

Don't feel guilty; guilt means you've done something wrong or bad
Don't feel shame; shame means you ARE something wrong or bad

You are neither. You are just one human being trying to be all things to all people at all times, which is quite impossible. Allow yourself to BE human, to admit you can't do it all, and then let go and let God handle what you cannot.

Good luck!
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much, that helps me put things in perspective.
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Your experience is 100% by the book, normal, and extremely (EXTREMELY!!!) common. Stay the course.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you. That makes me feel better....
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Thank you. She was mostly just mean to me, her caregiver. Generally pretty nice to everyone else except for yesterday. But the facility called and said she had calmed down and was doing fine. I know we made the right decision for her and ourselves, I just feel I shouldn't be happy about it.
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LoopyLoo Aug 2020
I’d feel relieved too if I were you! You shouldn’t have been taking care of her... husband should have. It’s his mom, not yours.
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No you never mention dementia in your posting.
I would have to say that your mother knew that she needed more help that wanted to live at home and not in a care facility. And I don't blame her have you ever checked them out really the food the lunch the treatment?
Her acting in such ways was her way of saying I am not going! Even though she knew there needed to be extra help and a little lifted off of you.

Most people I know do not want to die in a care facility let alone die alone what's the new covid-19 outbreak.

You may be comparing apples to oranges. On how someone handles different situations.
I just recently had a fall an injured both my legs called my son from the emergency room and he told me he did not have time for this right now.
I felt just the same as her, the doctor is the ER said he could put me in a home. At this point in time my son chooses not to speak to me and I really don't care. Never once did I tell him I didn't have time for him. I am now living alone have multiple handy devices and I can live in my own home and be safe. I have nursing coming to my house three days a week and I'm fine with that.

And I also told him basically the same thing one day his daughter will not be there for him and his wife what goes around comes around. But maybe it's how I was raised we took care of family and a home was not an option!!!

If you're feeling some type of guilt then your heart is speaking to you.

Good luck in your older age!
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LoopyLoo Aug 2020
Oh good grief. Just because you and your son are estranged doesn’t mean the OP isn’t doing the right thing for all involved.

Placing an elder in a place where they can get 24/7 care— or care that their families just can’t physically give— is not throwing them away. Plus this is the Mother in Law, not the mother. OP should not had been the caregiver in the first place.

You’re able to live at home with some help, and that’s great. With dementia and emotional issues, this isn’t possible for a lot of people. If their families didn’t care, they’d just let their elder suffer.
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Oh my friend, you are in no way a horrible person!

Caring for your mom and caring for your MIL are two entirely different situations. Not only are they completely different people, their health issues were also extraordinarily different. First, I gather you were quite a bit younger when you cared for mom. I also gather that your mom's diagnosis was much different in terms of "time left" so to speak. I think a lot of your guilt is coming from "I was ok taking care of my mom, but I don't want to take care of my MIL, who is my husband's mom".

Just because you were willing to be one person's caregiver doesn't mean that you should automatically be willing to take on the caregiving responsibilities of everyone you know, because then where does it stop? If you follow that logic, then if you raised your kids, you should be willing to raise all the other kids that anyone in your family might have. You have the right to choose to whom you give care - if anyone. And, as many others here who have put their loved ones into facilities, MIL's caregiving will need to continue - just not under your roof with your responsibilities being 24/7. She will still need things done for her that will fall onto your and your husband's shoulders. You've done a wonderful job taking care of her in your home, and you will continue to take care of her, just in a different setting and capacity. And that's ok!

You say you don't want your husband to know how relieved you are that his mom has been placed into a care facility...but I would bet he's just as relieved as you are. Maybe for different reasons, but I'll bet it's a load off his shoulders as well. And that's ok, too!

Forgive yourself for any negative feelings you may have/had towards MIL and give yourself permission to enjoy your life. It's really, really ok. You made arrangements for MIL to be safe and cared for, and by doing so have fulfilled your responsibilities to her.

(((Hugs)))
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much for your kind words. I love her and always have, just in bringing her into our home I never imagined how mean she would be to me. it definitely has changed some of my feelings for her. I still love her, but was having a very hard time liking her.
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My belief about why they will remember things sometimes all day is that anger gets the adrenaline pumping and will clear out those tangles for a bit. Saw this in my mom too, if she was angry new information was better understood. Strange? You betcha.

And behavior normal? With dementia nothing is normal and they are bound to say and do anything. What you experienced yesterday is normal for mom and her dementia.

It sounds like you found a nice place for her. Know that it will be very difficult for all of you for awhile. Many say two weeks, but with my mom it never ended and she was in memory care facilities for two years before she finally passed.

Mom was admitted to the hospital 3 or 4 times for geriatric psychic assessments. The first was the first week of facility living. Nothing is unexpected and nothing unusual with some.

Two facilities? Yup, mom was kicked out of the first one because of her behaviors. This happens. It would be a great idea to have a back up plan.

Good luck and i hope all remains quiet.
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psuskind1 Aug 2020
Dear gladimhere
your reply cleared up a lot of questions as my LO’s behavior mirrors that which you describe. My LO was in geriatric psyc hospital twice. The second time was more effective and each day I hope the meds continue working. He nearly got kicked out of an exclusive facility and many don’t want problem clients.
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