Has anyone else noticed that sibling(s) that do not help with caregiving, seem to be the most concerned about the inheritance?

When my brother & sister come looking for their "inheritance" I plan on handing them a stack of bills & asking,"When can I expect payment?"

Whitney's Question should be a Lesson to All of Us, where by We should be planning now for Our elder years when We can't look after Ourselves and need some Member of Our Family to Care for Us. In 2004 My Mother put My Name in Her Bank Account with Her own, some thing I did not want, as I said to Mam that She had 12 Grand Children and to leave Her money to all of Them. My Mother said NO because when She would grow old It's is Me Who would be Caring for Her, and I did. Mam set a plan in place 12 years before She died, and We should do the same where only those Who will Care for Us will reap what They sowe and the Lazy Bystanders receive Zilch.
FriendlyBedGuy, My Heart breaks for You, as You are so devoted to Your Family, and I bet it was You Who Cared for Your dear Mom, Rest in peace.

My brothers were always considerate of their mother, and visited. The only problem was a reaction when I said that many people in the house would confuse her, leaving her drained and listless. The reaction was who was I to say people couldn't visit en mass, and did feel I wasn't trusted because of fair representation of just how much it took to raise everyone while I was a supposed dillitente (or that's how it felt).

When things reached the point where 24/7 care for both parents was required, my brother demanded an initial payment of $10,000 go come and help. Plus, he wanted to live free and be provided a car too

I tried to explain to him that doing that would hurt the folks. 1) they really cannot afford to be throwing money around like that and 2) it would really hurt them if they ever needed to enter a nursing home.

So, the answer was no...so, he refused to come help.

But, when Dad died..first thing he did was show up with his hand out, Mom is the sole inheritor ... Yet brother was looking for some way to grab some money.

When Mom passes (many years from now, I hope) you know he will be waiting to grab as much as he can.

I am glad he stays hundreds of miles away. Very glad he doesn't live close enough to pester me on a regular basis!

I'm in a similar situation. My mother has dementia/Alzheimer's and is living with my husband and me. Before my mother it was my father. When he passed, he left almost everything to me. My siblings never came to visit (he had 6 kids from 2 marriages). He had a small insurance policy he left to my half -siblings, and nothing to my immediate sibs. I paid his hospital expenses nursing home, doctors bills, and all other expenses out of his savings. I sold his home (the home was left to me) and split the money with my immediate siblings. Later I found out that one of them felt shorted because I didn't share any cash left. There wasn't any money left. When my mother mentioned that she wanted to leave her house to my son ( the only grand child she is close with) this sibling became angry and Mom backed down. When I asked if this person would help take care of Mom and offered to pay for that care, guess what the answer was. That's right, NO. I might as well be an only child for all good having siblings is doing me.

Bingo! Living that life right now. Dad is not rich, and all his money goes to medical. Trying to stretch what he does have out long enough for what he needs. YET...I have family members that must think he is rich and because they never help, they are ignorant to the costs of his medical costs, caregiver pay, meds, etc. I understand why they don't want to help, but they should expect nothing with their decision.
Plus parents should enjoy their money if possible, it is theirs. I never understood why people feel so entitled to their family's money....very sad indeed.

This is no coincidence! Only selfless people can be caregivers. As was stated above Karma will prevail

I am care giver for my Dad with 22 brothers. October 2010 I started taking care of Dad and Mom. Mom's poor little body gave out on February 9, 2014. Dad's problem is Dementia with some bad pain in back and shoulders. The dementia of course is the main problem. My eldest brother is PoA. Mom had some $$$ set aside and now has run out. Brother that's PoA and my other brother is going to deposit $300. each monthly, but want to be reimbursed after sale of the house. This is the only inheritance. I make very little Social Security and after the 66 years I make $150. less than I would if I had worked instead of taking care of Mom and Dad. Yet, brothers believe I am lucky to live rent free. PoA actually had me paying $200. rent until I blew up. Mom's only sister expected the other brother to pull some shady and he did. I proved him wrong. My Aunt told me to tell my PoA brother that I want back pay. I don't understand why they think they deserve reimbursement for their 'loan w/no interest' when I have done everything for our parents. I have never asked for payment, but now I am going to tell the PoA I want the same amount that they will be reimbursed. I want Dad to stay in his own home where he is most comfortable and he really loves the back yard with a glass of Merlot wine, until the Lord calls him home. Never thought my eldest brother would be like this, nor did Mom, who handled all finances.

That is 2 brothers not 22. Sorry

Watching my son and daughter disagree over the handling of my ex-husband's property and long term care facility makes me wonder what to do in my own advance directives. I had made my daughter POA for health care as she is a nurse, and most of my assets have named beneficiaries. I own no property except a 10 year old car, and they are both grateful for that since cleaning out and selling their father's house to provide for his care has been a real headache. But my daughter wants a specific "sitter" for her dad, who has dementia and only listens to this one sitter (expensive, and my son thinks he can find a cheaper one as well as a cheaper memory care unit). Thus the disagreement. I have a durable POA naming them as joint holders if I become incapacitated. Now they are each after me to put one of them on my bank account so they can write checks. I can still manage my finances quite well and even do my own taxes, but if I should become incapacitated I don't want them squabbling over my care expenses. Should I change my will and other documents and get a professional, though probably expensive, fiduciary? My daughter, who is unmarried and childless, says she is leaving nothing to my brother, who has a wife and two kids, since he, who is 7 years younger, will leave nothing to her. Instead it is going to charity for homeless animals. I want to be fair and equitable, and I don't want to make enemies of either of them. So what to do about a durable POA and will Executor (actually I may still leave them both equally as Executors on will, since at death everything has named beneficiary and is split 50/50. That doesn't leave anything except car, household goods and cash on hand to go through probate, and that's not worth much. It's the durable POA if I become incapacitated that worries me. They clearly can't work together and don't even seem to like each other very much.

Here's my story. I had POA, medical proxy, and was Trustee my mother's estate.
I, with the help of one of my younger brothers, took care of my mother (who had dementia) for TEN YEARS.
No help from my older brother and sister.
Within weeks after my mother passed away and from the stress of being a caregiver for so long, I got a stroke.
About a month later, I started getting angry communications from older siblings that I had mismanaged mother's money and they were deprived of their "potential inheritance".
Indifferent to the fact that I nearly died.
They demanded "their fair share" of mother's estate
declaring that I took care of their mother
for "free rent" so I deserved no compensation.

They went so far as to threaten to sue me in probate court to throw me
out of mother's house all while I was till suffering from stroke.

I learned then that they were not truly my siblings but had been
adopted after they were raised by wolves.

The depth of their ingratitude and the the indifference of my
near death hurt me to my deepest soul.

Too bad for them, after I had to hire an attorney, I learned as the
Trustee, I the sole discretion and power to award myself and my brother
fair compensation for providing Live-in Care giver services at the going rate
in my town.
I won.
I plan to write a book about this someday.

Nice catchy question, but what do you mean? Are they concerned there will be no inheritance? I should hope there will be no inheritance! Use the money totally on the patient... find out what will bring joy and do it. That question could have been posed by my father's caregiver, a sibling. I have never mentioned inheritance, neither have I asked what burns my craw..... where does Dad's money go? It is used to support Dad's household. The household includes the caregiver, his wife, and another sibling who is also a dependent. I keep my silence so as not to jeapordize my access to my dependent sibling and to my Dad. But I often wonder f I am shirking my duty as secondary POA by not asking to see the bills. It is not my sibling's strong spot to manage money, and I see a couple things that my Dad would like done differently, and when he mentions it, sibling and spouse ridicule him for it. Not really verbal abuse, but for a veteran suffering from PTSD and the anxiety that comes from loss of being the alpha male, any kind of criticism is harmful to his psyche. Enough little stressors, he starts to get the shakes, needs the meds to control it, which kills more brain cells, which increases the memory loss and the dementia. I have such strained relations with this sibling that I can not ask about it. As I say, I want no inheritance, I want to see it used on my Dad while he is alive. His caregivers ridicule any opinion that I have, I discovered this years ago, now I am criticized for not calling enough. I am so envious that they have free access to this now sweet (kind of mean when we were growing up, old age has mellowed him) old man, can sit and reminisce with him (which they hate to do because the memories are too sad and this of course makes his memories grow less). I live on the other side of the country, and can no longer do the monthly visits I used to do. I miss him, and my other disabled sibling, and would love my caregiver sibling if there wasn't this issue of care for Dad between us, and I envy them the freedom to have the job of spending his money to support the household he used to need. Now, he has gotten so bad he is permanently in the VA, where his care is free. Still, I feel it is their job to care for him. The will is made so that all money will go to them when Dad dies, so I feel it is like a salary for them. They get room and board now, and eventually, whatever isn't spent, will be theirs. I wish they would use it in a way that benefitted him. What he needs is to be placed in a facility where he can see a family member daily, and that means paying for it instead of using the free VA care. I have found places that should work, yet always they say it's too expensive. So there again, I would like to see where his money goes so that I can try to make it work for him to be in a pleasant place. True he has no memory from day to day, but his reality could be a pleasant one and in the VA are nice staff, but the environment is sterile and crowded, and no one can take much time from their tasks to chat with him, it is a long drive there for all family members, and a hardship for them to visit even twice a week. Weekends there is almost no staff at the VA, and it is all they can do to maintain order. I've been there when patients were disrobing in the hall, and had to be ignored because there was not enough staff to address it. whew..... "my whine for the day"

Absolutely! Caregiving usually falls on one person, who is often the female.

Arleeda, you do seem to be getting ahead of yourself, worrying about what the terms of your children's wills might be! Concentrate on the bits that you can control, not on what might happen long after you're gone and don't care any more.

Appoint as your POA for finances and your healthcare deputy/proxy whichever child you feel is better able to understand and follow through on your personal wishes for your latter and final years. Talk to both of them *now*, explain your concerns about their disagreements with one another, and be plain that your priorities are a) to keep things simple and b) to avoid both conflict between them and overburdening either of them.

At this stage, when there is friction about their father's care, you have an opportunity to prevent its becoming worse and potentially irreparable. They both want their father to receive the best possible care for the longest possible time; but given that there are limited resources there is a difficulty in reconciling Quality and Affordability. Your daughter is correct that continuity of care provided by a good caregiver is the ideal; your son is correct that managing his assets to support him for as long as possible is important. They're both right. The silly remarks about dogs' homes and 'why should I care about him he doesn't care about me' are symptomatic of hurt feelings: you might be uniquely placed to soothe them in this situation, and do a lot of good.

Be careful about the terms of your own will. Your son's expenses will be greater, given that he has a family to support; but if you divide your estate between them anything except equally your daughter *will* be hurt. Even if she is the sort to recognise rationally that you are addressing their respective commitments, it is impossible for the child within us not to compete for our parents' regard with our siblings. One solution might be to leave your grandchildren their own individual legacies; but I do urge you not to favour one child of yours over another.

Thank God We did not have any of that bickering since Mam had Her will made 12 years before She passed on, and informed each Member of The Family of Her wishes. But Mother had been giving to all of Us, throughout Our entire Lives, Why should any one of Us expect any any thing from Mam ?
Whitney to answer Your Question. We Humans are mostly selfish Being's Who only care for Our own kneed's. Much covets more, since the more We have the more We want. It's sheer greed.

That is good advice, Churchmouse. I recently talked to a financial planner who suggested leaving money to the granddaughters in trust, with their mother, my daughter-in-law, as the trustee. My daughter-in-law is great, but she has a heart problem and I don't want to burden her with my care and POA, but this would be a way to leave my Roth IRA, which I don't expect to use for myself unless other assets are all drawn down, to my two granddaughters--but not directly unless their mother thinks they are ready for the money.

Ding, ding, ding!