Are these early signs of dementia?
I am in my 40s and my mother with me who is her late 60s, residing together. My mother has always been up/down but never like this and I see things getting worse over the years. One day she is okay, another day she isn’t. You never know what mood she will be in. She can be very argumentative and verbally abusive. Today a simple comment and she turned around and said stfu ... how I am a terrible daughter. In public she is one way unless someone really upsets her. Behind closed doors, she gets upset over things I say, expressions or misinterpret things lately. Something so minor can set her off and then she will twist what was said or done and say its me and request an apology.
Lately she has been increasing with swearing, verbally attacking and mocking me or bossing me around. I really think there is something wrong and she will start arguments to cancel doctors appointments and say I am purposely doing it and responsible for it. When she does finally shows up, she will not listen to the doctors if she doesn’t agree with them and does whatever she wants. I have a full time job and take time away from it for her to not even listen or follow the guidance. She will find a reason either the staff or the doctor being an issue. If I try to say something she will get upset, lock herself in the room and then turn around and plays the victim that no one is checking on her. I found writing on the walls. She sends texts that are lies and not what has occurred and says I am going to be in trouble because she is a senior and I am responsible if something happens to her for not checking on her. I ignore all the rage texts. I stay to myself to avoid conflict. I noticed her leaving kitchen cabinet doors open but she says she does that purposely. She can’t sit still and will stand there while I am busy and continue nitpicking or telling me what to do, which starts an argument. I suggested separate residences and she said I was kicking her out when that wasn’t the case. She thinks everyone is up to something or plotting something. I can’t even have a life because she causes so much conflict when I attempt to. I am isolated. If I try to speak to someone on the phone she will start an argument or purposely say something to cause embarrassment. I am truly alone and don’t know what to do. I am frustrated emotionally and mentally but her reality isn’t what is occurring and she will continue to defend and argue it no matter what to make me look one way and say she is a victim here.
Are these early signs of dementia or something else?
Your 40's and 50's are the best years of your life! Don't waste them with your Mother' abusive behaviors. It could be dementia related, which will only get worse. These are not "early" signs, either.
You need to start looking for a place, if you live in her home. if she lives in yours, that will not be an easy process. Your reason to separate is because of the stress and DRAMA. Good luck in getting this one handled!
If she were willing to see a doctor and cooperate with their advice, she could possibly get a diagnosis and treatment.
It is possible that she is beginning to have some cognitive decline, but she would have to be seen and tested by a neurologist to confirm, and it sounds like she will not cooperate to see a doctor for a diagnosis.
YOU can not control any of this. You can only control how you respond to it.
First, I would start by stepping back from trying to meet her needs and take her to appointments, which is just a time waste for you and gives her attention for acting badly.
I think it is a big mistake for you two to be living together. Her behavior will not change or settle down, it will only continue and probably get worse, until you just can't take it any more. If you share a deed to the house, you need to figure out a way to undo that and go your separate ways. Give her whatever money she is owed for her contributions to the home, and remove her name from the deed and kick her out, while you continue living there, or sell the house and use the proceeds to live elsewhere, much like when a couple divorces.
Late 60's is not old. She can manage her own adult life without you. And, hopefully you can manage your adult life without her. This is a toxic co-dependent relationship which does you no good, and it is time to change it.
The cause of her abusive behavior could be mental illness, dementia, or both. When I hear a story about a parent who gaslights, then presents their false version of events to others as a way to make their adult child look bad, and plays the victim, there's usually a long dysfunctional history of this behavior in some form or other. It's abusive. Whether it's dementia-related, mental illness, or addiction related really doesn't matter. Abuse is abuse and no one has to live with it.
If the home is in fact yours, you may have to serve your mother with legal eviction. If it's a rental, it may be a good idea for you to start looking at apartments for yourself and to move without her.
You cannot force her to go to the doctor. You can privately communicate with her doctor and APS. Tell them about these abusive behaviors and spare no detail. If you can manage to get some recordings of her, play these. Her doctor and APS should be made well aware that the two of you will not be living together anymore and you will not be her caregiver under any circumstances. She will be left entirely on her own. They will act. If APS does not, that is on them not you.
You are not legally responsible for your mother because of her age. She obviously needs care and supervised living. You are not the person to provide this.
In the bigger picture, you Mom may need someone to advocate for her if she becomes less able to do it herself. I would strongly suggest going together to a certified elder law attorney where s/he will explain the importance of assigning a PoA.