Assisted living doesn't do what they said they would. Is there a solution?

The issue is, IMO, that she is in the wrong level of care.

if she is in AL, she is expected to be competent and cognitive enough and able to do most ADL type of things on her own with assistance on occasion from staff. So can she do her ADLs or recognize what she needs to do to get her day going? If you were to ask her what’s on the activities schedule and when, could she answer you correctly? If not, she not suitable for AL, she needs a different higher level of care.

An issue w AL, is that if a resident flat does not want to participate in activities or go down to have a meal, that’s their decision. It’s assisted care not oversight care. The AL is not going to force her. That they provide for meals is in the contract. If she won’t get dressed appropriately and walk down to the dining room that’s on her. They will deliver a meal to her room but expect there to be a charge for this if it’s every day and most meals.

I suggest that you have a needs assessment done for her.

The AL should have someone they can refer you to for an assessment. It’s usually a duo of a geriatric RN and a SW. Please realize if it shows she needs a NH or MC, the AL will require that she moves out. If this AL has a NH or MC that is a sister facility, that should make it way easier to have her move.

6k is somewhat on the higher side for AL. But if it includes medication management (daily delivery of her meds to her in her room & oversight that she takes them as per script), then 6k seems ok.

If the assessment shows need for skilled nursing care and if she will run out of $ to afford it, I’d look at facility that have Medicaid beds in addition to private pay. This way she can segueway from private pay to Medicaid when she becomes impoverished plus you do not have to move her again, perhaps a yr or two from now when she is much more frail and lots less cognitive. If right now, it’s the situation that she is NOT paying herself for this AL, but it’s you and your siblings who are AND you realistically cannot afford to do this for years & years, please pls pls stop and get her assessed for NH and find her a NH who has open Medicaid beds ASAP and get her into it as “Medicaid Pending”.

With a diagnosis of dementia she should be in Memory Care not AL.
I have no idea why they said showering 2 times a day would be done. Unless a person is VERY active I do not know many people that shower 2 times a day. (When my Husband was in rehab I found out to my surprise that the State standard and requirement is 2 times a week) You might want to check what the State standard is where she lives.
And they can not "force" her to shower, participate in any activities if there are any. They can not force her to eat a meal or come to the dining room.
I think she needs a higher level of care and supervision than she currently has. If this facility has a Memory Care unit I would ask that she be evaluated again to determine if she she should be in MC.

I assume your statement of being showered "twice a day" is a typo and you meant twice a week. Like the others said, a resident has rights and nobody can force her to do anything she refuses to do. AL is intended for independent seniors who require very little care so your mother is likely in the wrong environment for her care needs. The staff is responsible to make sure your mom is eating meals, however, and should be keeping track of such things.

Talk to the executive director and express your concerns and ask why there are no activities going on, etc. Vent to the ED who can actually address these issues although coming here is a huge help for most of us 😁.

If you move her to memory care, there is a higher level of care and attention paid to the residents there, although they also can't force showers on the non compliant. Dementia tends to make the sufferer refuse to want to bathe, in many cases, which creates problems for all concerned. I'm lucky my mother hasn't had that issue yet......shes had 1000 others, God knows, but still agrees to at least 1 of her 2 scheduled showers per week in memory care.

Anyway, speak to the ED and the nurse in charge to see what they think about where your mom would thrive best. I know how difficult and frustrating all these things can be between the AL and the non compliant mother, it's all mind boggling sometimes. You have my sympathy and I'm wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation

The recent variant is to be taken seriously, so the resumption of activities may way in the future, if at all. (Better safe then sorry)

Maybe it is time for a move to either NH or MC

I wouldn’t hesitate to reach out and even make the suggestion and question - that at this point they haven’t come up with additional ways to bring stimulation to the residents. Clearly whomever was in charge of the activities before can still have a plan of action.

Ask are there any conversations about this in their meetings - have they done nothing to bring in and offer any activity and thought outside the box?
I think the activity schedule can be changed many different ways. I have no idea of the set up - or how excessive rules are as I think they vary everywhere.

Different wings of the facility can have set days that are provided to them in chairs or wheelchairs at their doorways playing games (and the activity director is in the hall for all to see) - having entertainment from their doorways but with groups. Play bingo for small prizes from small groups in doorways or spaced apart - have a dessert or cookie decorating day (even if delivered to their room) and arts crafts painting canvas competitions - if they don’t have outdoor space they should install a tent or ours chase a pop up tent - (every week the time and day can change for people to participate or sign up for) and each day certain groups go outside for a small cookout - movie popcorn on a screen outside or outdoor activity - have them plant seeds and let them grow flowers - there are plenty of ways to come up with activities that maybe each sections has activity week or day and if they have to be downsized or done in smaller sections. But a year plus later they haven’t come up with different ways for different levels of people to have some sort of activities to participate in and look forward to then I would talk to someone - and make your own suggestions and say exactly what your wrote above and even talk to other families. Again these are basic things - but they can be changed for each level of care and offered.
I hope you do speak with someone as I hate to think that places haven’t found ways to still provide joy and activities to those in care places.

Thank you all for your answers. Yes, I thought twice a day was excessive for showering as these people are not working out and sweating everyday! So I should have known that was bogus. I was hoping for once a day, but would settle for once a week!

This is a small place with a max of 16 residents. They do let them all go to the dining room for meals, so I don't' know why they can't have activities there. Not sure if it's the rules (MD State Dept of Health) or if it's because they're understaffed, which they are, or because they can't get anyone to come in and do the activities - everyone is hiring here and no one wants to work.

Something I forgot to mention is that she really only had two friends at this place (since it's so small there is not a lot to choose from) and one of them died two weeks ago, which only leaves her with the other. Of course she is still in the denial phase of grief - she acts like (or maybe really doesn't?) she can't remember who we are talking about when we bring her up, but the main thing is she now has one less person to pal around with and talk to. Mom likes to walk laps in the hallways, but not by herself and the remaining lady doesn't like to walk. So she's back to doing nothing and laying in bed all day. She will get another bedsore if she doesn't get up.

I guess I need to give her a little more time and then I need to look into the only two decent nursing homes around before I have her evaluated again. By state law, she has to be evaluated every 6 months or whenever returning from a hospital stay. She moved in as a Level 1, but after returning from hospital and then nursing home, she is at Level 2. So last time was in March. I will ask when she is due again. Should be September, I would think, but who knows how they count. And if she goes to Level 3, the $ will be gone even sooner, so that is a factor.

It is a good point to move her while we can still private pay to get her in the door somewhere and then transition when the $ is gone. She won't want to go to a NH because she can't have a private room there and they close to visitors much faster than ALs here. With COVID, I might never be able to visit again. The two decent NHs here are both closed to visitors due to COVID. I think that would be worse for her. So I just feel like I'm stuck.

There is no activities director. I think during the day they have one manager on duty, one med tech/CNA and that's it, other than the cook. Sometimes they have two med techs/CNAs. But that's it. Once since she has been there, someone painted her nails, which was very nice. But that is the only "activity" I have ever heard of happening. The calendar on the wall still shows October and due to COVID, I doubt anything on there ever happened.

My mother is in memory care for almost 3 years now.
It is basically the same as what you're saying. A lot of their time is spent sitting
in a room with a TV. When she first moved in, there were 2 woman who did the activities. One worked during the week and the other worked every weekend.
They actually worked 8 hours a day. They were great.
A new manager started and a lot of workers left because of her. She was eventually let go for not being qualified! At that point, the damage was done and it has not been the same since.
It seems like everyone is looking for a way to sit most of the day. It doesn't matter
who you talk to they give you excuses.

Wow. Lots of responses...but the original one that came to my mind was that I'd be looking over the contract/paperwork you signed off on and see what it says and if it included such things, hold them to it, and seek the advice of a elder law attorney for their opinion. You should get what you pay for. ANd personally I think it's very important for all of us "kids" to poke into these issues and follow up so that when we do get to be older there are better protections in place to guard us and our rights if we have lost the capacity and energy to fight for ourselves. Best of luck and let us know what happens!

The problem with short-staffing is everywhere. I talk to nurses, technicians in clinics and ambulatory services, hotels. retail stores... and nursing homes. They all tell me that they are trying so hard to do the work of several people. So, I get it that they are not providing all the services that were promised. Most are in what I call "combat mode" - trying to provide the basic needs for everybody as best they can.

I agree that your loved one should have better care. If you can not get the standard of care your expect - at least the basics - then please, please, please consider other options.

This pandemic will pass or become part of our daily life and the short-staffing will change. Make plans for yourself since the "day of needing care" will come sooner than you realize.

Why isn't it going to change? And sorry but I don't see where the logic lies in your comment about "before I am 87".
If you don't like what is going on then talk to the facility Director / Manager and find out why things are not happening that are not covid linked. Why they are not showering her or washing her hair, why she cannot have a line phone, why no one pops in to see how she is, or why they cannot turn on TV when they take her a meal.
Social activities are more difficult with covid around, but presumably they restrict visitors and the chance of infection entering the facility. So these should get back to normal - ask.
Do you provide her with puzzle books, jig saws, does she knit/sew/crochet, does she like any other craft activity she can do?

It sounds as though you should be talking to the Manager of the home, not asking here. And thinking of things you could be providing for her to do if she is capable. An edged tray makes doing puzzles easy and can be put aside without losing all the bits. A few simple provisions can give her something to do until more social activities can be started up again.

Failing this you can always move her.

My mom has mild to moderate cognitive disorder/dementia/age related memory loss/signs of Alzheimer’s. It depends on the day. However, in the 8 months I lived with her prior to her AL residence now, I found she loved to stay in her bedroom, keep the temp high, sit or sleep and come out for meals when I called her. With that in mind, her staying in her apartment is not a huge concern for me. She told me when she was in her home, that she enjoyed putting yarn into balls and then she got emotional and said “isn’t that pathetic?” We tried embroidery, sewing, listening to books, music and watching embroidery videos. She doesn’t like violence and bad language, so we got her Pure FLIX but we had to start it for her. While mom is in not a candidate for memory care, the AL does have programs and mom’s fluid sense of time requires she get verbal cues. I got her a Echo Show 8 and use. Alexa to verbally remind her (tell Alexa to speak slower and she will, I also set it to repeat 3 times) In addition, I linked her gmail to Echo Show so she can see her reminders on her calendar on the echo show screen. I drop in on her and visit mostly that way. This summer I told her that I would be working on Habitat for Humanity homes and that is my job. When i dropped in, i would show her pics of what I was doing or just talk about the job and the people involved. I haven’t seen my mom in person since May 1 and it is going well. She is getting more socialized. I prayed for her to have friends and it was answered. She has table mates that like her and one has a dog. Her med tech invites her to the evening movies and she likes that. I signed her up for PT when she said her hip was hurting and she likes the one on one attention. I also hired a semi-retired RN to be her friend and she has brought much joy to mom. She plans adventures of mani/pedi, a early dinner out and watching movies with her in her apartment. I got mom a DVD and the facility hooked it up. The extra cost of the reminder care was discontinued (it was 435.00 a month) and so mom’s care consist of medications or help with doctors order. She gets lotion applied ordered by the Derm doctor due to her excessively dry skin and the growth of skin that needs biopsies. The cost of the RN is less than 435/month or sometimes a bit more but it is worth it because mom has a friend who sees her and gets her into social situations. My mom is a painful introvert so I do not expect her to change and be a social butterfly but she is more social here than at her home prior to AL. Every day is a prayer opportunity for me to see what God is going to do for my mom. Mom could refuse the reminder care and she did…..she felt they thought she was a baby. My reminders to her don’t bother her and I go to the AL calendar (it is in an app) and put those on her events on her calendar and also in her Alexa reminders. It is a bit of work but I have it down now and it is something I can do weekly. They also have a menu daily and when I see an item that I don’t want her to miss (like eggplant parm or shrimp) I put that on her calendar. I don’t think she is showering as she should and I take that battle week by week. She does get her hair done at the salon weekly and that is a way to get her head cleaned! I highly recommend the echo show since i can drop in. She can call me by saying Alexa (pause) call Suzy. I did write the instructions down in big font so she can refer to that to make her calls and I taught her to look for the bubble that Alexa is listening. She used to talk to fast. She has done that successfully now because she doesn’t know how to use her cell phone anymore. Prayers for you and your mom and for Godly wisdom and mercy.

Covid has given facilities and staff an excuse for not doing as much as they once did. In my mother’s AL the nurse and the aide on the floor are always in their office. It seems that they only do what is absolutely necessary and don’t go one step beyond. There are residents whose hair needs to be combed or who just need someone to talk to them for a few minutes. Beds are made mid morning. Residents can’t be forced to shower. While they could be encouraged they aren’t. I’ve observed that a once very good facility pre Covid has become very marginal.

In the end, we have to be the advocates for our loved ones - even though they are in AL. I’ve stepped up and questioned many things for my dad - and have let others slide. I pick my fights. Dad has dementia too, and was placed on the AL side because there was a room to be filled there. Similar issues in his place as your mom’s. The room is not cleaned as frequently as I’d like, dad never brushes his teeth (he’s level 3 so needs assistance), and there are times when he’s left in bed too long. My dad’s place has a tier of administrative staff - a health coordinator(nurse), head of caretakers/family liaison, social director and team, and manager. There are lots of social events organized in dad’s place. He doesn’t always choose to participate, but they always ask. I am glad his basic needs are cared for - as there is no way I could do it, but it is amazing how much is often not the way it’s presented when they are selling you on a move. I suggest you go ahead and be the squeaky wheel - the more you speak up, the more they’ll likely do for mom. Good luck!

Agreed, be a squeaky wheel. Make notes of the time of day and date you visit. Then, record what has or has not been done. Condition of your relative, amount of activity, hygiene, toileting, etc. Also, note the number of staff in the nurse's station or on the floor. Go at different times and different days and note when a a staff member is in her room and what they are doing. By the way, be pleasant and make conversation and ask their opinion about what is most helpfu approachl, etc. in their opinion. Is there something you can do or bring that would make things better. Then go to the director and/or head nurse and discuss what you have determined. You won't need names; they will be able to know that. (Unless, you see something really bad or really good. Then comment on that to the director) Even the finest staff will become unmotivated and undirected without serious supervision. Some staff are always like that. Do consider moving her if things don't improve. The Director of an organization sets the tone and expectations. Is it an older person who seems seriously concerned and responsive?

Where is this place located, what city and state ?
My son works in AL in Pearl River New York. There are activities for seniors there.
There is activity (Recreation) director. My son is a musician and plays piano there for seniors. They love him, he also leads activities, such as Bingo, exercises every day, sing-a-long, arts and crafts. It is true that the facility is understaffed, all of them are, but there are activities. Think about switching AL for mom.
Also, my son tells me that stuff complains it is very hard for them to wear masks
for 8 hours a day, they get dehydrated and take frequent breaks, on top of that a lot of stuff refuses to work more hours, that are offered by the facility, because of mandatory masks. Pandemic is a big factor, talk to the facility manager. They must bring in entertainers and hire part-time recreation stuff. Otherwise switch AL for mom. Sleeping or staying in bed all day is not good for mom. She must move around and be occupied. They should interest her and involve her in something.

You might consider calling your State Ombudsman. They can advocate for her.

think your mom would do better in MC. Expect showers alternate days
i do think all these facilities are using Covid-19 and difficulty finding staff as an excuse to cut back and save $$…. Gov’t handouts $ and groceries
making everything worse .
you should however be able to schedule visits … even if they’re not allowing residents outings. I would start looking for suitable places … this time making sure she gets level of care and activities promised.
also nobody’s going sit and keep mom company … you need to do more .. also look into private hire companion couple hours/day …
good luck ..

OK.,.. been a caregiver for almost 30 years. You CANNOT force or make someone take a shower --- get into the shower. Most dementia patients get to the point they are deathly afraid of showers so, here is what I do much of the time. Now remember, this is in the patient's home 99 percent of the time. They have to use the bathroom sooner or later. I have had these types of people and one lady in particular did stink and would refuse to change her clothes so, when she went and sat on toilet, which was never a problem, I always had towels, washcloth and change of clothes in there ready to go! A great majority of the time I could at least get her privates washed once that day and I was ONLY there one day a week for 4 hours. I would work "fast"; once sitting on the toilet, I would just start getting her clothes off. The top mainly at this point. Grab the wash cloth and start washing her arm pits, under breasts, and to help with this, you can get RINSELESS soap. Also, USE TWO WASHCLOTHS AT A TIME! ONE IN EACH HAND. You can get a ton done this way in no time. Another thing, you don't have to get EVERYTHING done in one sitting. When they are seated in "their chairs".. you can always bring a bowl of water to them with towel and washcloth and wash their legs, arms, face, anything you can reach while they are there. I have also washed their hair while they are seated on the toilet or even laying in bed. They can most likely bathe them once the go to bed at night...at least their privates should be washed well at least ONCE a day.

As many here already stated:
1: Assisted Living is just that Assisted Living. They cannot force the resident to do anything. They will ask if the resident wants to do the activity, they will provide the medication and manage the medication but cannot force the resident to take it. They will ask if the resident wants a shower or offer assistance but they cannot force them to take a shower. Unfortunately that remains on you as the family member to ascertain that your family member is doing so. At least in IL you will not find any AL that will force a resident to do anything.

2: the cost is way reasonable. Most ALs offers services and charges a la carte, meaning the resident is charged in tiers depending on level of care; how many medication visits your family member needs, 2 morning and night? 3 morning noon and night? Does the resident require supervision visits over night? All that is considered on the price. Hair cuts, outside outings, are all extra.

If your mom needs more supervision than basic medication management and engagement she is in the wrong type of facility or you will need to hire a private caregiver.

Also the pricing is some what malleable as well, but it has to be done prior to move in. You can negotiate the pricing prior to move in including move in charges. 🤨 as if we did not have enough to worry about 😝

Best of luck to you and yours

Aides get beat up trying to get an unwilling resident to shower. They can still do it at a higher level of care than AL. Do you have a clear understanding of levels of care? AL doesn’t do any of that. They must be competent enough to perform those ADL tasks.

You think they have you over a barrel and you're not wrong. These places have everyone over a barrel and they are a racket.
Covid is just the cherry on the cake of excuses AL facilities make about why they take people's money and offer next to nothing in return.
No place EVER showers a person twice a day or even once a day. If the place your mom is in advertised that I'd report them to whatever government agencies would listen.
I worked at what was considered a higher-end AL. Here's how the services like hygiene assistance work.
An aide comes in and asks if the resident wants to take a shower or wash their hair. If the resident says no, they walk away.
An aide comes in and asks if they want to change their clothes or eat. The resident says no and they're left alone.
Assisted Living facilities are not nurseries. They are not in the business of coaxing or begging, or making deals with some senior to take a shower or change their clothes the way you sometimes have to do with children. The staff is not going to have a fight with the senior to get them to take a shower or change their clothes either. Many of the residents I knew wanted to shower and change their clothes, but wanted to have a fight about it first. It wasn't my job to fight. So if they refuse hygiene assistance, they stay dirty and their families had to come and help them.
You say your mom has nothing to do and is depressed. AL facilities have an activities director who plans activity for the residents. If your mom isn't interested in taking part, they're not going to force her. They're also not going to plead with her or try to coax her into taking part.
AL facilities are a rip off. To save a few bucks start supplying them with the medication your mom takes. Go through a pharmacy that accepts her insurance. They will have to accept it if you stop paying her pharmacy bill. The nursing home my father was in tried pulling this as well. I'll let you in on one of the secrets of nursing homes and AL facilities. Their pharmacy is accepting and billing every resident's Medicare and secondary insurance, and they are all being paid by it. The bills you're getting for mom's drugs are just extra money for them.
Request that Medicare and her secondary insurance send you some statements, You will see that they are paying for her meds.
I simply refused to pay the nursing home's med bill for my father. I told them he has five different insurances for prescription medications, so pick one.
I still get bills for him from the nursing home pharmacy. I either throw them away or I write 'Return To Sender' on the envelopes.

My mother in law went 8 months before they got her in the shower.

Now my mother is in the same home. I have hospice, physical therapy and occupational therapy (doing toileting). Hoping she gets more attention. By the way, a hair appointment is $45.

I was going in cleaning everytime I went. Finally after cleaning the bathroom floor I complained about the hygiene. Now her room is very clean - at least what I can see. They still fail to change the chucks on the bed. You just can't win.

Luckily I have a great hospice nurse who fights some of her battles. My mother is 96 with mild dementia and a lot of falling.

Call your state Ombudsman’s office AND file a complaint with your state’s health dept. Google “(your state) Health Department nursing home complaint”. Doesn’t matter if she is in assisted living. It’s the same dept,

If you continue to put up with what ever is going on, you continue to approve their idea of “care”.

You also can do a spend down. She would go into a NH but you would not pay for meds., etc.

Two years ago (August 2019) I moved my mother into a luxury AL and memory care center (private apt, even has private 10x12 patio with french doors and all glass that looks out on patio, even has 12x5 foot of dirt for personal lawn decor and flower planting) after taking care of my mother (as primary caregiver, and having full medical/financial POA). I just couldn't do it anymore (she has overwhelming medical issues (uncontrollable high blood pressure going from 150/norm to 240/high several times a day requiring clonidine pill 3 times a day and additional one each time it hits 180 ... adult hydrocephalus, having a valve in her head, draining from brain to stomach ... has had numerous strokes ... new heart valve... frequent dehydration, won't drink enough, causing unstable/zoning out/falls, sometimes IV at hospital to rehydrate, well as Lewy Body Dementia ... taking at least 24 pills a day at different times for all these issues). I thank God (using "A Place For Mom") free service I found Arbor House. The high level of devoted/loving care of all the care friends (as they call them), accommodations, chef prepared meals, small group of residents/only 40, plush movie theater, in house beauty shop, spa with jetted side opening tub, beautiful sunny dining room with fresh flowers on tables daily and tablecloths, and a activity director that keep her busy) are top notch. I visit her daily at varying times, having always found her being treated with respect, dignity, and loving care. Covid lockdown was so depressing for both she and I since we were very close ... but the staff did Facebook live with us (they would bring it up on her Amazon 10.1 tablet and leave us to talk for 30 minutes of so, then come in and sign her off). I have an outside service (Interm Health Care) come in 3 days a week to give her a shower, wash her hair, or help her with whatever else (her insurance covers this), I have had to put her on Interm Hospice a few months ago), can't say enough as to all the TLC with Hospice visiting her once a day/they are truly Angels of my mom. I just want you to know there are wonderful AL/memory care living centers out there, free services like "A Place for Mom" that will guide you to the best ones for your family member (I know I found the best with there help), home health care to further assist them with daily living needs (such as Interm, she loves her Interm assistants), and all those at Arbor House who treat her as if she is part of their own family. Don't put up with shoddy poor treatment of your loved one ... speak up, be the squeaky wheel, or make a change by moving her/him to a happy/cared for place.

I hate to say it again but assisted livings for the most part are exactly as you said- a racket. They are all about making ad much money as possible so most of the thousands you pay each month go to the big shots in the office not the actual day to day staff. Some offer an caretaker assistant - they do some of the basic caregiving tasks you could easily do or have someone do for a loved one at home abd they pay these caregivers at the assisted living low wage. They have high turnover rate ( except for the office big shots who don’t do any hands on care)
To cut costs and appropriate most of the thousands you pay per month toward office big shots they cut corners on floor staff- even in memory care there’s a range of 1 staff person per 10-16 residents. The assisted part? Is that a joke- paying thousands a month you’ll need to pay extra for your loved one to have assistance dressing or in the shower etc. The food is cheap cafeteria food not fresh nutritional food — this is generally speaking. There may be the occasional assisted living that lives up to its name but most are predatory and greedy focused on making profits. If you ever call or go tour one they will keep calling or emailing you like car sales or realtors!!

I've been enjoying the Little League games, too. There is precious little else to watch on TV these days, especially in the summer.

The thing about assisted living is that they tread the line between being available to help your mother and forcing her to do things against her will. The family usually has one standard (expectation) and your mother doesn't want to be bothered. I loved that they respected my father's wishes enough to ask him first (in memory care even), but you do have to communicate YOUR expectations and if you can put a written care plan in place, you and the assisted living staff have something to refer to. Explain to your mother that this is a service you are paying for so she needs to go along with it.

I have a friend who has just grudgingly entered assisted living. There is an adjustment period. Her daughter is knocking herself out to address each problem as it occurs and I am reminding my friend that she is lucky to have such an advocate but she also needs to put forth the effort to make it work. There is no question that she is better off having someone help her with meals and medicine than she was living alone as a diabetic. She has a network of friends who drive her to appointments and she has taken us out to dinner. They let her keep her dog and we are finding ways to incorporate her favorite activities. That may mean that she uses their bus to go to the movies or grocery or initiates an invitation to one of us.

Assisted living, long-term care, memory care, group homes - all these places were short staffed before Covid. Until they are paid better, with the booming labor market, this will continue to be a temporary job. You can help retain good people by helping them help your loved one. Consider yourself one of the workers.

I can feel your frustration and anger coming through the computer. This site is a great place to vent. My mother’s wonderful Memory Care facility is also not the same since Covid. Staff is trying. Perhaps a shift in thinking about most of your complaints will help. My mother was in a different wonderful assisted living four years before Covid. I always paid for hairdresser, prescriptions, depends, and Ensure. I never felt like that made the assisted living “a racket.” I also paid a private caregiver to sit with her four hours every evening to help her with sundowning. As for bathing “twice a day”, surely they misspoke. Normal procedure is two or three times a week for bathing aide. Before Covid, I was up there every day and witnessed many of the activities and found most residents chose not to attend.

My 96 year old mom is in AL here In NY. They do have activities, and the activities director is good about inviting her to the things that mom likes. If she could, Mom would stay in bed all the time however! She has moderate dementia and a myriad of health problems. I go to visit frequently and take her to my home every Sunday. My daughter and I are designated to visit for compassionate care, but no one else is allowed in her room. We do showers on her Sunday visit to my home, because she gave them such a hard time. The AL simply doesn’t have the staff to beg her to shower.

About a year ago, we bought mom an IPad and had it mounted on her wall next to her bed. The iPad can be set to automatically accept FaceTime calls; she needs to do nothing. The FaceTime simply pops on when any of us call.

The iPad has been a Godsend! We can check in on her anytime and we family members have a schedule to support the staff in getting her to meals or activities that she likes.

Of course the place must have wifi. We got the iPad for about $250 and a wall bracket with a lock was about 30. The maintenance man attached it to the wall. It was a great investment.

An assisted living facility can be godsend for everyone, but it works best when you remain an active participant in your mom’s care.

The reality is that practically all of these facilities are understaffed and only a few of them offer comprehensive staff training in everything from bathing to dementia communication.

So, what to do? First some practical things you can do right away: Buy her incontinence products yourself. Likewise her medications. Next: volunteer to help out with activities or if you're not available during the day, visit at dinner time in the dining room with your mom and her table mates. You can help them engage in conversations. You can offer to lead a weekly sing-along or an after-dinner chat group. - These are very simple things that will help your mom and also take the load off the over-burdened staff. 

And get to know the Ombudman volunteer. 

Don’t forget to acknowledge the staff. They are your “team-mates” - Share with them tips on how to help your mom, your concerns, and your pleasures. An occasional “thank you” note, box of chocolates or cookies, and bouquet of flowers will go a long, long way. 

PS. In thirty years, I’ve never heard of more than three showers a week, unless the resident has an accident.

My mom was in a nursing home last February for rehab after a broken hip. "A staff member tested positive for Covid for everything is in 2 week quarantine" was their excuse for everything. Nobody left their room and nobody was allowed to visit. Her 'rehab' consisted of her getting up in a walker & walking about 5 feet per day. Every time the 2 week quarantine was up, it was the same excuse. I found out it was a lie through this website https://data.cms.gov/covid-19/covid-19-nursing-home-data . The last positive staff case was 5 months prior to my mom's stay. When my mom asked to use the shower (a communal shower), she was told that the positive staff member was "in that area", so nobody could use it. Huh?

The final straw for me was when we were picking up mom to come home. There was a little old man outside with flowers in a little vase for his wife. He was asking when they would be able to leave their rooms because his wife was going crazy. She was the type to go all over the NH - dining room, activities, visiting her friends in their rooms, etc. and now she was just laying in her bed all day and he could tell she was getting very depressed.

Though mom was home already, I contacted the corporation that owned the nursing home and the ombudsman telling them about them lying about their positive staff cases and my thought that they were just using it as an excuse to keep the residents confined to their rooms. I don't know if it did any good, but I noticed that their webpage now has an daily updated list of Covid cases, so that argument can't be used by them anymore.