At what point do you know that you can no longer care for your mother?

I didn't get a choice, Dad's wife dumped him in a Memory Care Unit where my Sister and I had another plan. Dad is safe + likes the 2nd place he moved to. You get more time with your Mom as visits are never enough + safety is key. Prayers for you and your family. You are not alone.

I guess in a way we all feel we "should" take care of our parents because "they took care of us".....however the advancement for us was going forward....theirs is going backward (and we are older trying to deal with our everyday stuff/family and then add extra care ontop). My mother was sole caregiver for my dad who was suffering from dementia. she is diabetic and the stress was starting to play on her health. He fell one last time and when they were going to release him back home, we said that his wife could no longer care for him. (he was getting hard to handle when someone holds their walker above their head and is yelling). We put him in a NH (a good one).......got in touch with an Elder attorney and got things set up properly so that medicaid would kick in. they were not super rich. He was 97 when he passed last year. Our mother is now in the same place due to a health issue that caused her kidneys to start to fail. She actually said it was time to be in the NH because I had done all I could do to help her. She has "hit and misses" of dementia starting. She does not know just how many times I cried because I felt bad that I couldn't do more or that I had done all I could and was mentally breaking down. Do not feel bad for moving her into a place....they have activities that keep them busy and she will be around others her age which might be good. Even with the virus crap, she will still benefit......but if you think you have problems now periodically......it WILL get worse and demand more than maybe you can offer. I also didn't see my dad for several months before he passed, but the day he did they left us in to see him, even though he was not awake enough to see us. I know he is with God know and at peace from the disease. I wish you luck.

Have you tried an Adult Day Health Care/Community Based Adult Service program? I don’t know what state your in but there are some wonderful programs equipped to deal with a senior with Alzheimer’s who requires a lot of attention. They provide Nursing, Social Work, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Activities, a Registered Dietician & even speech therapy, if needed.
The goal is to prevent premature placement into a SNF while living at home, which provides respite for the family.
They will pick her up in the early am, take to the center & bring her home in the afternoon. Kinda like she was going to school, however, she’ll receive all her meds, appropriate exercise & activities to meet her individual needs & the appropriate care based on her doctor’s diagnoses.
They offer breakfast, a snack & lunch. By the time she returns home, she’ll be tired & you can discuss her day during dinner.
The centers are regulated by the Dept of Aging, so the care is top notch.
I mention this because adult day care isn’t able to provide that level of care or attention. Adult Day Health Care does & can.
I applaud you for your love & devotion to your mother! I would assume she was a good mother which is why you feel this way. My mother is a horribly abusive borderline still in a hospital setting because SW is having difficulty placing her. She’s called the police on the hospital twice & driving everyone nuts. However, they declared her incompetent & have to find a legal guardian because I said no & explained why in writing. I agreed to be her decision maker until this process is completed & she’s safe in an AL. If it were my father who was 360 the opposite, I’d do everything I could for him because he did for me. I understand your not believing in sending your patents away. Which again, leads me back to an ADHC/CBAS in your area. Google it, if that’s not what mom previously tried?
I wish you the best & personally think your being too hard on yourself. Your a wonderful daughter. There is also a test called the Burden Interview given to CG’s to help assess the very question your asking.
I feel confident you will make the right decision for yourself, your family & mom because your asking the right questions now.
Best of luck🌹

The 'right thing to do' is twofold. It takes into account YOUR life/your DH's life and your mother's life. Not just your mother's life. Most people only tend to focus on the elder, as if they're the only person that matters, and if they're 'put' into a 'home', then OMG, they're 'abandoned' and 'thrown out' and 'shame on the daughter who did such a thing.'

There are those people here on this site who will tell you what you SHOULD do, as if there is only ONE 'right' answer, I've seen it here in the comments. That's nonsense. There is no one 'right answer'. You are not a 'fool' for caring for your mom at home and you're not a fool for placing her in a Memory Care AL. Elders who live in Memory Care are not 'alone' and they are in good company with others who they can be friendly and interact with. So those who paint this horrible picture of life in the dungeon of Memory Care don't know what they're even talking about.

That said, you know it's time to place your mom when you feel depressed; at the end of your rope and like you can't or don't want to go on any longer. Because YOUR life is of equal value to HER life. You know it's time to place your mom when she's no longer safe in your home; if she is able to get outside and wander away or into chemicals to make her sick. Or if she's reached a point where she's playing with her feces and then refusing to shower. Things can and often do reach that point with AD. Then you can't be expected to handle that degree of illness and she has to be placed.

In the meantime, keep emotions out of the equation, if possible. Know that if you do place her, you haven't 'abandoned' her and you'll be a frequent visitor. You'll go back to the role of being a daughter instead of a caregiver. When I go visit my mother in Memory Care I bring her pretty blouses and special treats to eat, or something homemade that I've cooked. I used to take her out to dinner before she became wheelchair bound and too hard to muscle around (she's a large woman). I speak to her every day (in general) on the phone and manage her medical affairs and everything else from my desktop. It's hardly 'abandonment' and there's no guilt involved at all.

I suggest you get some counseling to deal with the 'haunted' suffering you still feel about placing your dad. Having the feeling that we can or should be able to prevent our loved ones from dying or that our presence will somehow affect their end of life experience is something you need to purge yourself of. When my father was at the very end of his life, I chose to go home and wait for The Phone Call from hospice b/c I did not want to witness him taking his last breath and be left with that as my final memory of my father. I'm glad I made that decision, to this day, and know that it did not affect the outcome of when or how he passed. He's with God and at peace, and for that I'm happy. He's with me in spirit every day of my life, and for that I am grateful.

Whatever you decide to do about your mom's care, you'll still BE caring for her; either at home or in Memory Care.

Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with the decision and accepting that it's the right one.

Imho, you are not a fool, but a STELLAR caregiver, which is difficult.

When you no longer have a life, you become just a caregiver 24/7/365. Your life is gone all that exists is your mother’s life. Everything is for her! When you can no longer have free thoughts. ( going out to dinner, going to appointments, going to a baby shower, or a wedding, or just out with friends, or a movie,) because you have to take care of your mother instead of having a life!
that is when you decide.

I hope you consider grief counseling about your feelings regarding your father. It seems to me you haven't finished grieving for your dad. My Daddy basically raised me, as my mother said, she just watched me until he got home from work. When died it was like losing both my mother and father. It took me 3 years or so to work through his dying, even though with help I was able to keep him home. The last week of his life I lost 10 pounds. That was with an uncle taking me out every night for large Margaritas.

I do want urge you to be sure you are tied in to your husband's feelings. My ex-husband is the one who decided my Mom would live with us in a granny apartment. It was the "straw that broke the camel's back". I ran away from home and divorced him. I used to say, "My mother and my ex life together". I would laugh and then explain she was in a granny apartment.

How much actual care does your daughter give her grandmother? Maybe she needs to do more hands on care. As others have suggested, maybe meds for Sundowner's would help.

There is no right or wrong answer to your dilemma. But, please listen to what your husband and your body are telling you. I hear that up to 40% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for.

((HUGS))

Tinder, I so understand your dilemma. There are days when I'm so stressed out by the amount of care I need to give, as I have my Mum living with me and the clock / alarm clock determines everything I need to do, however I always try to remember, she didn't do this on purpose and if she could reverse things she would. I'm currently caring full-time for a mother with vascular dementia and blindness (lost due to glaucoma). Don't get me wrong we exchange words but we also exchange words of love and can't imagine my life without her in it, it's a rollercoaster every day. In relation to my father, he was/is a narcissist so I have nothing to do with him, but Mum I am grateful to look after despite all the daily challenges, as there will be a time when that riser/recliner she sits in during the day will be empty and all I can remember is the value of a moment that has now become a memory.

This is always a tough question to answer, however, I feel your decision is being based upon a little guilt from your Father's experience in passing shortly after being admitted to a "facility". You need to understand, everyone is different and it sounds as though your mother is a social person! That being said, she will most likely thrive in a facility with her peers!
There is a fine line between having your Mothe relive with you and allowing her to manage your life by her physical, emotional, and psychological needs. The decision will have a positive effect on your life and hers, not to mention your daughter, and spouse!
Be well!

Sometimes, the caregiver becomes unable to do the care. My mother was 36 when I was born. My mother was physically handicapped prior to her Alzheimer’s Disease diagnosis. My parents and my family purchased a home together for me to help care for her and do all the cooking. We had a nursery monitor in our bedrooms. We often were awakened by Dad saying that Mom was in the floor (upon trying to use her bedside potty). My hubby would then go pick her up and put her back into bed. My mother used a bedside potty for 20yrs because of her paralyzed L side. Her R arm and leg were very strong. Thankfully, she was already set up with a home health aid who showered her 3X/wk. Once AD started, my mother’s strong R side became weak. For years, she ate breakfast at her bedside sitting on her bed. She started falling back on the bed unable to sit. I herniated a disc in my neck trying to get her to the bedside potty. With my pending surgery, she went to skilled nursing care and died there 3 yrs later. At the time, i was homeschooling our son (young teen) and working every weekend as a pediatric RN. Already overloaded, I was unable to continue the 24/7 care.

In retrospect, wish I had put her in diapers and kept her home a little longer. While in the SNF, I continued to take care of her hair. After her Tuesday shower, I would come and “roll her hair” and put her under the hair dryer plus cut and clean her nails that were often dark with poop. I don’t know how I could have managed her health/doctoring if she had stayed home with me. If I thought a UTI had returned, I would find the nurse practitioner and tell her. Easy. The negative side: they left her in her wheelchair after meals instead of putting her in bed. She had lost the ability to sit up. I walked in several times to find her sliding out of her chair. She also had skin injuries on her legs.

Hindsight vision: I wish I had given up on the bedside potty and diapered her and protected her bed appropriately. Because she was bedfast, she was not a danger to herself. I could have kept her home a little longer.

If mom is financially ok, then add more hours for a caregiver to give her attention. Try to use hours around the times when she is most demanding - morning, late afternoon, evening. Your daughter seems to be able to deal with it and you just have periods of time where it's more than you want - so use her money to give you some space.

You already suffer regret over dad so you would probably have same issue over mom. Use her money to give you a little peace for as long as you can.

If your efforts begin to take a toll on your physical well-being there will be less choice; in our case my mother with dementia is pushing the envelope by some sporadic bowel accidents and as a "women" my elder father expects ME to be the one to deal with it. SHe is uncooperative and I am recuperating from a major health crisis and surgery that took its toll on me. Scrubbing poop out of or off of things is not in the typical cardiac rehab program. I'd consider if I were you another day program that might have more tolerance or ability to handle her. That professionals couldn't speaks to the effort you alone must be putting forth. You are and have done all you can, so no guilt.

You will know when you can not take care of her any longer. For me, it was when she kept falling and I could not pick her up off the floor. So we found a nice place for her and I visited her often.

I think you answered your own question in what you wrote. Everyone on this forum has different opinions on things and they can offer you advice but in the end, YOU have to make the decision. If you don’t want to feel like you did with your dad, and you would feel like you would be deserting your mother by putting her in a facility just because things were getting more difficult in caring for her, then perhaps you should take that option off the table and see what else you could do to make it easier to care for her at home. The relationship your daughter has with her sounds special and that needs to be weighed into your decision too. Your mom won’t be around forever and it seems your daughter cherishes your mom. That said, I totally get it that you are exhausted and that you wish you didn’t have to deal with all of this. There are no easy answers but it’s up to you to decide on what you can handle emotionally and then move forward with intentionality once you have made that decision. I think it’s the back and forth battle in your mind that is causing you so much inner turmoil. No one will fault you if you decide you can’t do it anymore...but you need to follow your own heart. I know you are dealing with lots of different emotions and that your world is in a continual state of resentment, anger, hurt, exhaustion, and frustration (LOTS of it!), and it all gets so old and is so draining....it’s hard to feel any sense of inner peace with all those things swirling around inside of you....so it sounds so attractive to just put your mom somewhere else and be done with it, huh....Easier said than done though.
Big decisions take time to work through. Spend some quality time with yourself weighing all the facts, considering EVERYONE involved, and looking into the future with the different possible scenarios. I think you will make the right decision.

Hi Tinder,
I write from the patients point of view. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ in June of 2016. Most recently my Neuropsych Exam, said I've moved to Moderate to Severe Dementia. My DW and I disagree with the results and we have an appointment to discuss the results with the Doctor in early June. The Doctor says I should have 24/7 care, my DW and I agree I've moved in to the middle stages, but not severe needing 24/7 care.
I've told my DW and all four of my children ranging from 40-14, that when I am at the point that I can no longer participate in the day to day activities of helping out in the house then it is time to put me in a MC or Skilled Nursing Facility. I also contend I want to be placed 100mi away from our home so that my DW and children don't think they have to visit me every day. My DW is 8 yrs younger than me and I want her to go about living life.
Two of our three children live in other states leaving our oldest in his mid 20's living at home and our 14 yr old. My oldest 40 lives in another state he agrees with my position we talk, but have rarely seen him over the last 15 yrs. I've told all three of my adult children, when it's time for me to go in to a MC facility, let mom do what she want's to go on with life and don't give her any grief if she wants to date, or divorce me and remarry. Our two 20 somethings understand, I don't think the 14 yr old is ready to hear this, but we'll tell her when we feel she's ready. We've enjoyed 27yrs together married and dating. She has a lot to offer another man. and I want her to enjoy the rest of her life. She's never had any medical issues, we've practiced our faith ever since we started dating.
My point is that, you must do what is in the best interest of you your DH and children, and what you believe is right for your mother. Do not let outside influences lead you down a path you don't want to walk on. I watched my maternal uncle who was a Priest die from ALZ and my stepfather die from ALZ, they both were in MC Facilities. I know they received the best of care and were placed in the best place for themselves. The difference is one of my sisters worked in the facility my uncle was in, and my stepsister, lived near my stepfather. They were still both worn in to the ground. I don't want that for my family, and I've shared these thoughts for more that 20yrs, so this is not jibber-jabber on my part. I want my DW and family to thrive. I hope you find this comment helpful.

I think you're doing a great job with your mom. It seems that there's more good than hardship at least at this time for your mom and family.
I'm wondering if your mom is experiencing sundowning later in the day. Perhaps her doctor can help her with this; I've heard that light therapy before 7 pm may be of help.

My mom lived with us for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Like your daughter, I tried to find the humor and heart in the situation. We tried Assisted Living for about a week, but my mom just couldn't stand it. It was the same with a 1/2 day trial run at an adult day care facility, so Hubby and I became the "day (and night) care facility." During her last year, (about 8 yrs. ago), when it was getting rough, my husband said that whatever I decided to do was the right thing. If I decided to keep her here, fine. If we tried Memory Care, that would be fine too. Ultimately, we kept her here. I'd echo my husband's advice: "whatever you decide to do is the right thing." Of course, Covid visitation restrictions in Nursing Homes and Assisted Living facilities might influence your decision too. Best of luck.

The worse Alzheimer's disease (AD), the more care they will require. My mom's AD was so severe, I had to even manage her bowels, bathe her, change her -- she used about 6 diapers a day, tons of wipes and gloves. The last 3 months of her life required a feeding tube because I did not want her to die of dehydration and it kept her peaceful since her needs were met. If she did not have a bowel movement in 4 days she would be impacted, so I kept her bowels going every Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. This was achieved through lactulose. Her last 3 months of life, she was bedridden. It was incredibly stressful having to induce bowel movements while she was in bed. While kept alive with a feeding tube (which in itself IS a lot of hard work to care), and I managed her sugars very well with insulin (she was insulin-dependent diabetic), she lived to be 90 with 15 years of AD. Irony she did not die of AD--but the complications of diabetes. She had Stage 3 kidney disease for 10 years. She died age 90. The same would have happened to her even without AD.

Caregiving is very hard, and it is stressful...but I never regretted it. Mom was my entire universe. I love her dearly. And mom never did suffer...she was very peaceful and was on hospice for two years. They were great supplying me with diapers, bed protector pads, tube feeding, tubing, feeding pump, hospital bed, table, oxygen, and whatever else I needed. But I did all the care. We never had to open that "comfort pack" and her death was the most peaceful you can ever imagine. She never needed any narcotics or psychotropics and hospice came over daily when she was actively dying.

I walked mom everyday for five years. She loved the park. She had a special walker. TO this day I look at that park and I sink into a mourning remembering walking her daily. I miss her terribly and it's been 1-1/2 years ago she died.

Even with the twilight of her life, I kept her comfortable and I worked hard to sustain her. That is something I can carry with me the rest of my life. I did my duty caring for her, and she had a good life even with AD.

YOU have to anticipate what I went through and you need to learn how to care for someone who will become 100% dependent on you. Be mindful eventually they will forget how to eat and drink, and it can take two weeks to die of dehydration. And they will be awake if you go no feeding tube route, even on hospice. That is something you and your family need to talk about, but only use that as a LAST RESORT. Feeding tubes need a LOT of care, and not to be taken lightly. It took me over an hour to feed my mom before that. And I had to give her thickened fluids one teaspoon at a time. That took hours. I did this all day long. Now mom never bothered her tube. I still kept it covered with a tube top (for comfort) to prevent pulling on it while turning and cleaning her. Her feeding tube required a LOT of care to prevent infection and the tube patent. Most people cannot handle that.

Nursing home is a tough decision. Most Asians care for their own folks. That's part of our culture. I know most Americans do nursing homes. I took care of my mom at home since that's an Asian thing to do.

It sounds like you are one of the people who might be able to manage your mother's situation at home. You can use some of your mother's resources to hire more help as needed. That is a fortunate circumstance. If that works for you and your family, you can keep your mother in your home longer than many people can.

You should do exactly what you are doing. Your mom is so lucky to have a daughter like you to take her in your home to live. If people would put themselves in the old person's shoes, they wouldn't send them to a home.
When a loved one is sent to a home, it's like a death sentence. If the old person acts out or in your mom's case is needy, they just give them meds to make it easier on the Caregivers.
No loved one would want to go to an unfamiliar place that is basically only in it for the money. Sure you may be lucky enough to have a rare Caregiver that really cares but their far and few between as Caregivers get burnt out.
Your mom being at your home, is the safest, happiest, loving place she could be.
No one should die alone.
It is hard being a Caregiver but in your case your mom has money, spend it on your mom and hire as much in home help as you need to not feel overwhelmed.
You are deffiently doing the Right Thing by your mom.
You won't have any regrets in the end.
It's so sad for people to just send their loved ones away when they need them the most.
Bring in familiar surroundings is so important for people with Dementia and even in the end when they remember less and less, and may not even remember your name or who you are, they know a friendly loving face and it makes them feel loved and safe.

Prayers

I sense that you are experiencing pain.

The first pain is the loss of your father. Since your lack of availability still haunts you, please consider dealing with this pain that is over a year in suffering. May I suggest attending a grief group like GriefShare. The members of the group are all experiencing loss of a loved one or stay to help others through the journey they have already taken. If groups are not your "thing", consider meeting regularly with a counsellor. Counsellors are available to meet online and in person. Check either with your doctor or community of faith for suggested counsellors.

Your second pain is seeing your mother deteriorate. You remember the vibrant woman who met the needs of others - specifically you. Please consider researching about the type of dementia your mother has (the one the doctor diagnosed). Alzheimer's disease and Parkinson's disease is progressive. Stroke type dementia tends to remain stable. With information, you can plan for your mother's care over the course of her lifespan with her healthcare providers and your family. You are not in this alone. If you feel lingering sadness over her decline, please process this with a counsellor.

Managing your mom's problems. Her memory loss can cause her to have anxiety which leads to antics. Please have her evaluated for anxiety by her doctor or a geriatric psychiatrist. One of them may prescribe her anti-anxiety medications that should help with taking the edge off her anxiety. A consistent routine will also help. Her afternoon episodes are usually called Sundowner's syndrome. With Sundowner's, the sufferer is more anxious as the daylight wanes and things don't look the same. This coupled with increasing tiredness make anxiety levels rise and folks are apt to act out. The anti-anxiety medication should help as as consistent routine and more light in the afternoon/evening. You will know it is time for another caregiving option when the needs of the family, your marriage, and your relationship can not be met since every moment is spent caring for your mom. If you sense rising resentment in yourself or your family members, consider it a sign of burnout and that something must change.

You have to live with yourself first. If you feel that you are doing the right thing by caring for your mother in your home, then do it for as long as you can. It doesn't seem to be causing stress for you or your family. At some point, she may need to have someone with her for more hours of the day. You may need to get another aide to do a part-time shift, or a full-time shift into the evening. They can help her get ready for bed and at some point she may need help eating. Take it day by day. You don't have to make any decision right now if things are 'doable.'

People may be more likely to express themselves on this site when the stress of caring for a loved one exceeds the joy of doing so. Is your husband supportive of keeping your mom in your home? You don't want to jeopardize your marriage. Are you comfortable leaving your mom alone for a few hours? Others have noted the potential dangers with dementia. Are you able to physically care for your mom without putting yourself at risk? If you can answer Yes to those three questions, then no problem keeping her in your home. Just be aware that your answer tomorrow could be different than it is today. Ask yourself those questions often. A No answer to anyone of them will tell you it is time to move mom. ( Suggest you look at facilities now so you are ready to make a move when conditions warrant.)

Bless you. My mum lives with me, my husband and two children and has AD. I'm finding it harder and harder to care for her and it's taking over my life and my marriage. Mum actually wants to move out as she's frightened that living with us may speed up the progress of the disease as I literally do everything for her. She's forgotten how to cook, clean and her personal hygiene has taken a nose dive. So, and this is purely my personal opinion, think that it could possibly do your mum and you good if there is distance between you as you can re-establish your mother/daughter relationship rather then being patient/carer. I feel exactly the same as you - I'm desperate for mum to move into sheltered accommodation but once she's gone I know I'll worry about her! Mum does have a social worker but she's pretty useless and I feel completely trapped and resentful. Have you tried to speak to your mum about the possibility of respite to see how she gets on with a possibility of finding somewhere permanent or are you not able to have that conversation with her?

Don’t feel guilty at all ..the dementia gets worse & falling a lot will happen...as well as abuse...possibly physically too...I understand from others that if they die at home, then police come too to question you...as if you killed them. & I don’t, quite honestly want to be made to feel that way. I’m sure if she’s on her way out...& in a facility, then some special arrangements could be made . Hugs 🤗

The internal struggle. Oh boy, I can relate. I don't have an answer for you as I haven't found one for myself. I agree...so many comments about putting yourself first, etc. That's great in theory. What about all the times the parent put us first? And...there lies the guilt. Yet, I write this from my Dad's kitchen table while wishing I was in my own home. Every morning I know I need to hire help but then I see him walk down the hall with no pants on, "leaking", (refusing disposable undies) and wonder if it's even worth going through the process. We just hired for my Aunt...2 shifts of 4 hours each week. Went through an agency and it's taken 7 mo to find a helper who is dependable and not using the caregiver job as a VERY temporary mean of making some money. I tried to "sell" the retirement living lifestyle to my dad 2 years ago. He flat out said he doesn't want to be surrounded with "old people". (He's 81, still works because he loves it, but has no interest in taking care of himself, his house, his finances.) He just doesn't realize the amount of time and energy he is taking. Things and people in my own life are being neglected. At some point, patience will wear out. I know I need to suck it up and hire some help, but it feels awful. Truly no advice from me...just wishes for a peaceful state of mind for you.

When my Husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I said I would keep him at home.
I later changed my thought process to "I will keep him at home as long as it is safe for HIM for me to care for him at home AND as long as it is safe for ME to care for him at home."
Thankfully with the help of Hospice and the VA I was able to keep him at home.
Thankfully he was also VERY easy to care for he was always compliant. And luckily or not with each "problem" that came along there seemed to be a solution that came with it.
So base your thought process on safety
Is it safe for HER that you are a caring for her in your home?
Is it safe for YOU that you are caring for her in your home?
Do you have Hospice in that will provide you with all the equipment and supplies you need? I can tell you right now without the equipment I got from Hospice I would have had to place my Husband. A Sit To Stand was a lifesaver (and back saver) then progressing to a Hoyer Lift.
I also said with many decisions I made about my Husband I was ruled by 2 organs. My Head and my Heart.
Safety is a Head decision.
Letting her eat a candy bar when she really shouldn't that is a Heart decision.

Tinder, I would wager that there are lots of folks who have elders living in their homes doing just fine. At a Zoom funeral recently, an acquaintance said that it had been a blessing to have her elderly MIL living in their home until her death. One of my cousins had her blind MIL live with her family; I never heard that it was too hard or a burden. (Both of the see families had a lot of caregiver hours; all the spouses were employed full time).

Folks who hang out here are the ones who are having problems-- either the elder is mentally ill, needs much more care than can be given at home, is unsafe due to wandering or causing fires, threatening physical violence.

Or they are simply folks who aren't cut out to be caregivers, have been guilted or shamed into giving up their livelihood and/or home, or who have had an elder "dumped" on them.

You are not a fool! Caregiving for a parent at home can be wonderful, if you have the space, aptitude and help required.

My personal take is that many elders thrive in congregate settings with multiple people to interact with and professional medical oversight. To each his own.

When in a composed state, set yourself the triggers that signal it's time.

Some of mine are when...
- it makes no difference to them as to where they are or who is caring for them;
- I start to feel their (or my) safety is placed at risk (through behavior or lost communication);
- they become confined to bed/wheelchair;
- (sadly) my own tolerance fails to rebound over several days in a row.

Of course, in your situation you need to factor in the positives of your daughter's compassion and glean some of her inspiration - it sounds mutually beneficial despite the sacrifices (and you are unwittingly a role model for her also) - but when you feel your mother will receive better care elsewhere, you'll be best to follow through.

When you no longer want to, or when you are unable to.