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My mother can never ever say anything positive. It starts first thing in the morning and continues until she goes to bed.
Every morning she begins the day by "attempting" to tell my husband or me that she didn't sleep all night (if you heard how she snores, you would understand that we KNOW when she's sleeping). She continues on by saying " I don't know WHY I feel sick to my stomach today". And then it progresses on. Usually by saying that she had diarhhea (she has a potty by her bed for night time). What she considers diarhhea is not MY idea of diarhhea, but I digress since I'm probably grossing you out anyway. (sorry !! )
After she has stated all of her illnesses, the complaints turn to my husband and I and how we are pains in the ... !! "You two people" (her name for us) .. blah blah blah blah. You get the picture.
Avoidance of mother has now become the norm. The sound of her rolling walker banging through the house sends me into escape mode.
Anyone else ?

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RebeccaLynn, Yes I understand about the "sound of the rolling walker" coming down the hall. You are dealing with a lot. Your mother is living in your home with you and your husband. That is a very big gift you are giving to your Mom. The very fact that you are doing this for her indicates that you love her very much. If it helps, try to remember that the act of having your Mom live with you is already a generous gift, and that large amounts of your energies and attentions to her are not required of you. At least that's my belief. To tell you the truth, when I started listening to what God was telling me to do, and not what others or my "inner guilt voices" were telling me to do---that's when I started to gain control of the caregiving situation for my parents, and for the maintenance of my own strength. I have also had depression. My doctor told me that I was suffering from "situational depression" related to the care of my parents. That sounds like the case for you. If the depression is causing you a problem, please talk to your doctor about possible medication, and also find a counselor/coach/therapist to talk to . I think it is helpful for you to limit the amount of time you will listen to negative statements from your mother. The other thing you can do is try with all your might to be as cheerful as you can be ( I know! It's hard sometimes!) around your Mom, and bring up cheerful, positive topics for conversation. But also protect your own "me time". ( as my daughter calls it (-: ) Good Luck!
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Hi RebeccaLynn,

My mom and your mom could be one in the same. My mom too lives with me, she is 97 and always negative. She says she is ready to go(die) so I am wondering what is taking so long...........( i know i am going to burn for saying thsoe words)
She says the same things as your mom. I try to avoid her also but she lives with me (for the last 4yrs) so there are only so many places to hide. I try to keep myself preoccupied with other things but this caregiving is a 24/7 job and I am an only so there you go. I love this site as we are all in the same boat.
Just know that you do not walk alone and we are all here for each other since no one outside in the real world knows our world.
Take care,
onenandonly
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RebeccaLynn, I had to LOL when I read this post. Right there with ya sister!!!!! I've tried to show her positives and she will find negatives in that. Mom does have a sense of humor. I started calling her B (for bitter) and she calls me B (for b*&ch). The humor only lasts a short time and then the negative comes back. I'm at my wits end on this as well. She's on mood elevators and the social workers come and tell me this is normal and to just over look it. Easy for them to say, they can leave :P
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RebeccaLynn - have you tried walking away when she starts to complain? I have to admit that I am very lucky and my mom (who lives with me) is very nice. She did go through a negative period, but it was mostly aimed at people on the TV that she'd never met. However, a few times she has been complaining or - frankly - just plain rude. I tell her flat out that she is rude and I won't listen to it. So far, that has stopped any complaining.

Your mom also may be complaining because she feels she has lost control. You could ask her how she wants to solve her problems with sleeping and diarrhea. That way she can't say your solution doesn't work. Any ideas are hers.

Take care.
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I don't have the 'rolling thunder' but I do have the heavy footsteps coming down the stairs, I know your pain. My mom is negative as well, but more than that, she REFUSES to take responsibility for ANY decision making, that way she cannot be blamed for anything. She will not even choose the meat from the platter, tries to make me fix her plate. I just tell her to take her time and choose.
Today I told her she needed to move to a retirement community nearby, that I can't take care of her any longer. Her health is good, but she is nearly blind. I work 100 miles away, 10 hours a day. I have a few days that I work at home each week but I have to WORK and am tied to the computer. I just can't do this any longer. She can afford the rent on the apartments at the community..it's 12 minutes away from me...Its lovely there, I would move in! Am I so wrong to be doing this? She is making me take all responsibility for this decision...so she can blame me later if something goes wrong.
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Caregiving can be very stressful. Many seniors find themselves in a deep depression as they age, due to the lack of independence, illness or aging issues, or just the idea of aging older. Dealing with a parent or loved one who emotionally feels that they must be negative is a very upsetting thing to do.

However, there can be a few options for you. One is to consult a psychologist (NOT psychiatrist) regarding any emotional matter between you and your loved one. Talk therapy can do miracles.
Another option is to have your loved one evaluated for malnutrition that may be causing a deficiency of B12 or other essential neurological vitamins.
Along with that, medications can cause depression or severe behaviour, so going to a pharmacy technician or your local physician may answer this "chemical reaction" to medication question.
Alas, more options are available: it may be time to figure out what care option would be right for your loved one. Use a Senior Care assessment tool (by clinking on GeriCareFinder) to figure out which care facility type would best help your loved one.
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my mom is negative also - in addition to her vascular dementia- and it was a real shock to me because I had this fantasy going that she was going to be sweet and loving like her mother was when she got tobe in her 70's - and whoa !!! She sure isn't the same as my grandmother was ! Part of coping for me was to give up my fantasy and stop hoping for something that was never gong to be. I also have learned to let it roll off....do not respond- what we feed, grows, what you starve, does not grow. She eventually runs out of steam, and I can get her into talking about something else. Mom won't leave home and go visit with others her age, so I go on and do what I need to do , making sure when she needs to have supervision, either my brother stays with her or I hire a caregiver for the time I need to be gone, and I no longer grieve for what I used to have because I have trained myself to look at her as a stranger inhabiting my mother's body - the illness has taken away the mother I knew and replaced her with a person who is ill and cannot help herself, and to honor her memory I am taking care of this alien as well as I can.... I know to some this is going to sound absolutely crazy and heartless but it is not... because once in awhile, when I am grounded and feeling good, I can put my arms around her and kiss her on the cheek, and tell her I love her... and I see the faint glimmer of what I used to have with her in her eyes... and I know I am doing the right thing. Sometimes the negativity is there because they have lost so much.... my Mom has lost everyone of her family to death, and she just needs to be loved..... there is no one else left but me and my brother to love her. Ice Cream cones work too.... she really likes Dairy Queen soft serve !
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My mother has always been a very negative person, but I forgot that with her living 200 miles away. We would only see them maybe once a year or so, because of many issues. Distance worked well for us...until dad's diagnosis and incarceration in a psych ward, then nursing home. She couldn't function alone, so I became guardian/conservator. This did not work well. In fact, we found out just how horridly negative she was...(as memories came flooding back). It isn't an old age thing with my mom, but a severe Personality Disorder (actually many disorders). And the more we did for her, the worse she became. Nothing pleased her, and still doesn't. Now I am hearing negative reports from mom's new guardian, and from the nursing home. There are literally young CNAs who walk the other way when she enters there, refusing to deal with her. Much as I love my mother, I am better with NO contact with her whatsoever. I now understand what I came to recognize as situational anxiety, ~every time I had to be around her. We literally felt as though we were in bondage to the sickest woman I ever met in my life. Nothing pleases this woman, no matter how hard one tries, and being around her is a nightmare for anyone forced to do so. Her guardian's time with her is severely limited, as mine has become as well. How her friends tolerate her is beyond our comprehension. Water tends to seek its own level...so to speak. I don't like it that it is this way with my mother, but it is of her choosing, and is also her problem. We can't take the abuse she accuses others of. I have never met a more miserable person before, ever. How can someone like that live with themselves? That's a mystery to us. It is hard to answer someone when they ask, "How's your mother?" I guess I could say, "About the same..." Ugh! At least we're not fighting over stupid things anymore. She has found some others to complain about.

Dad is not that way, at all. He does have his Advanced Stage Alzheimer's moments, but he is pleasant, and manageable. We like to visit with him, most of the time. I am his guardian, and conservator, and serving my father is more than duty, we actually find it satisfying and pleasant. He gives me no grief, and truly enjoys our visits, and everything we do for/with him.

My FIL is also very pleasant. Even with Vascular Dementia, at the age of 90, he's a pleasant soul. He speaks respectfully to people, and always says, "Hi, honey!" So much the opposite of mom.

Ever seen the bumper sticker about mean people?
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I just found this site because I am, like so many of you, worn slick with frustration. My 88-year-old mom lives on her own, a few miles away. We have always had a problem with negativity, focus on medical conditions and the tendency to hyperfantacize (and not in a good way). This is not an "elder" condition but a life-long personality state. She has recently amped up her activities starting with gastric reflux diagnosis...she won't take the drugs (which are stronger than those she had been on) because of the side effects, she has called 911 twice within a week, has had countless medical tests and blames me for not taking charge of her care by telling the doctors to "fix her". She will not take responsibility for caring for herself by accepting the side effects a stronger yet more effective medication might briefly cause. I was a secretly suicidal teen as a result of her and now I'm 63 and truly interested in maintaining a sane quality of life for myself. She will never live with me (I don't know how the rest of you do it) because I couldn't do it. We're helping with 50% of her living expenses because she blew money like a madwoman after my dad died. Just thank you for being there, and listening. I have a sister on the east coast but she's not here when I need help. So, thank you, unknown sisters (and brothers).
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Oh gosh, RebeccaLynn, your story could be mine. My mother, 87. lives with me. My husband died in 2008 and I am an only child so there is just the two of us. Yesterday we got into a huge fight because she wanted me to order tea in a restaurant - because she did- and I don't drink tea!! What is that all about?! "Just to be sociable" she says. "Ridiculous" I say,"I have water to drink" . Now she feels attacked! What does she think I feel? My head is ready to burst from the pressure of trying to overlook her ridiculous comments and constant opinions. Should I seek therapy?
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whatodom

I would strongly suggest that you seek therapy. Your mother sounds just like my MIL!
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It may help if you give your Mom a reality check. The next time she starts getting on "you people," gently let her know that you are hearing from her repeatedly that she is unhappy living with both of you. Let her know that you will help her find long-term living arrangements where health professionals will be on hand to tend to her physical ailments and where you will be able to visit her at times that are convenient to her, instead of her having to live with you both knowing that she is unhappy with her present living arrangement. Reassure her that you are not offended that her current living arrangement is not working to her satisfaction, and that having done your best, there is nothing more you can do than what you have already done.

If you are not ready to go there, or to have such a candid conversation, years ago, unrelated to caregiving, I decided that I need never have the last word in any conversation. I agree with JulieWI, that walking away, maybe even going for a walk, or playing some soothing music may offer much needed stress reduction, if not relief.

I'm smiling as I read about the noise of the walker. No walker in my life, thank God, but the tick-tick-tick of the cane marks the passage of time for several minutes each day. Funny I don't remember it tick-ticking when Mom first started using it?

You didn't gross me out, Rebecca. Growing older comes with its eccentricities is what comes to mind. I suppose that when one is losing one's independence and control attention-seeking becomes a form of positive attention? If she is still able to write, encourage her to start a list of what all is ailing her so that she can go over it all with her doctor at her next scheduled visit.
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would your mom like to meet my dad????two of a kind
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LYNN:

Ask yourself: Am I a sucker for punishment?

Your teeth, if you ignore them, will definitely go away. ... But not your mother. She needs attention, but if you give it to her she'll use the opportunity to lambast both of you. Then you run from her (in your own house for Christ's sake!) to avoid hurting her feelings. Why? A good tongue-lashing is what she needs to straighten up her act and behave gratefully once and for all.

She's in total control. Running your house, running you and your husband. And if she could survive without it, she'd run you both out and send you screaming for the hills with that horrific-sounding wheeled walker from one of those Halloween movies like Scream. (If she auditions, they'll probably give her the part at the drop of a hat. She's a natural.)

Lynn, you still continue to take this abuse; and the time will come when you'll pop your cork to the point your mom and your husband will lock themselves in their rooms. Hurt people hurt, and it's not going to go away until you do something about it so people -- your mom included -- will finally get it through their heads that you're not to be messed with.

Negative behaviors, in the absence of consequences, are apt to be repeated. So put an end to this abuse, baby. Your husband, who keeps his mouth shut because it's your mother, will thank you for it. And so will we.

-- ED
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Ypu have to do what you can live with I talked to my husband until I was blue in the face and it did not work he only wanted to argue so I used the method of just leaving his space wheather he was at home or in rehab and that worked for me it would be better if you could change her behaivor by talking about it but with her history that probably will make it worse so do what works for you I see others have given you some suggestions good ones having her live somewhere else sounds like a plan to me and maybe talking to a professional would help if only to bounce ideas off of and I hope you find a way to resolve this and let us know what works for you.
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I agree with you, 195Austin. It always has to be what works for each person. If it's not you, it won't make you feel good about yourself, RebeccaLynn. "To thine own self be true."
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my mom cannot speak too much but always kind of whining- if she were negative verbally i would put her in a home- mom watches monk and funniest videos- it makes her laugh- but if she were negative - put her in a home cuz someitimes they say old folks are nicer to strangers- for instance - took mom to dinner she whined and sobbed(quietly- would not eat) and was withdrawn- we walked past a waiter as we were leaving and she looked at him and smiled and said hi ( what theheck was that) then she started whining and sobbing as we walkde to the car- amazing- how does your mom treat strangers? in doctors office same thing- does not want to be there wont even look at me - sbut when she sees the door open and another patient come in she looks up at them to see if they see her and she tries to smile at them?????
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I feel for everyone here having to deal with a negative parent. I am 49 and recently divorced my children are grown, I still have 19 yr old daughter at home. My mother has lived with me for about 7 years. She is now 83. My mother has been this way all my life, nothing good to say about anything. Never leaves the house unless I make her and then its pitiful, she is on medication for aniexty which doesn't help. she is hard of hearing, which my sister bought a good hearing aid, but her aniexties get the best of her and she cannot focus on what you are saying. I hardly go anywhere but work and home, if I leave to go out she is constantly calling me, if I am not home right after work she is calling me. She is still able to take care of her own needs and gets around very good for her age. I go home everyday and listen to what the neighbors did and what my daughter did, and its all in a negative way, nothing good to say. I live for when she goes to bed every night so I do not have to hear anymore. I feel alot of her problems stem from being uneducated and poor when she was growing up, maybe she just never felt she fit in. I really don't know but I know I am tired.
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I have a similar situation. My Mother has been different at different phases ofher life. She has always been depressive and somewhat negative, but she also has been kind at times. Now she is struggling with issues of dependency, she wants us to take care of her and then resents it when we try. She complains about everything, is pleased by nothing, will accept almost no offers of help, and likes to complain about everyone to everyone else. She seems to be trying to ally members of the family against each other. The only person she approves of is a granddaughter she raised who is "needy" and to whom she writes large checks. She is preoccupied with her health and notices the slightest twinge. She was sleeping excessively until we intervened and brought her to live with us. Now she is awake but miserable and wants to go back home where she is isolated and has no support. She is still relatively cognitively intact and so we can not intervene as best I understand. I don't know what the future holds for her if she returns to live alone, yet she seems impossible to live with and will not consider assisted living. Any solutions?
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REB:

Don't hide anymore; "care"-front her instead. My mom used to do the same. Then I realized she resorted to overdramatizing everything to get the attention of people that didn't want to give her the time of day because of her toxicity. She was the forever-suffering saint & martyr, until I lost control and told her to get off the Cross. ... Someone else needs the wood.

To her, every man as a good-for-nothing, two-timing pimp; and every woman was a b__, skank, wh__ish Welfare Queen pretending to be a Superwoman who didn't need a man to survive. I once suggested that the more we talk about others the more we say about ourselves, and she threatened to slap me. I told her I'd lock her up in a South Bronx nursing home and throw away the key if she even contemplated the idea.

Reb, stop running and face the Bogeyman. Try not to be angry when you do it. You'll probably scare her enough to bolt the bedroom door.
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Well I can understand a lot of what you say. My mom has always been somewhat negative and depressed. She did have a horrible childhood so I can understand it to a certain degree but I do not have an abundance of patience. Sometimes I think that even if you had a horrible childhood and a rough life you just have to suck it up and move on. Anyway, I have found that when mom gets into a mood where nothing is right in her world, I at first try to gloss over it or change the subject but if she persists I usually just tell her I am not here to listen to constant complaints and that if she wants me to visit more she has to make that appealing and bitching isn't appealing! I tell her that yes her life is boring etc etc, but she needs to be grateful for what she has and that includes me.
I tell her I love her, I want the best for her, I want her happy BUT that doesn't mean I want to be driven to suicide by continuous woe is me crap. Since I have a most cheerful but take no prisoners approach she responds better to me than she does with anyone else. The more you try to be gentle with my mom the more she will mow you down. We seem to have found the right mix for the time being and the two of us are butting heads a lot less.
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I am having such a day with my mother that I came online to look for a group. I can't believe that the first thing I find is this. I was beginning to think I am just a terrible person for feeling resentful. My mother is so negative she never says anything postive at all...she has also always been slightly paranoid, thinks people are talking about her. Now she has started having fits about people talking about her. Any time she isn't in a room and someone talks to anyone, has to be about her. She was Ill a year ago and wasn't going to be allowed to go home unless someone lived with her...so I gave away most of my stuff and took up residence in her spare room. Thats my home now, the rest of the house is hers. If one of my children come to see me and says something about moms house she throws fits about not having a home anymore because my kids think its my house. I find myself wishing she would just lose the rest of her mind before I do. She is upset that grandkids don't come to see her, they want to visit with me, but she has never been nice to any of them. My two sisters wouldn't live with her..one will take her to visit for 2-3 weeks once a year. I just feel like no one knows how bad this is....I see you do..some of you...God bless you for being here.
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The 1st comment assumed Rebecca was depressed and suggested getting counseling and medication! Yes, let's get Rebecca addicted to drugs. She should have been talking about the crabby old mother needing this. My mother has always been negative, ranting and raving and thank god she is still well enough to live on her own. I have read several books to keep my sanity on this subject. When and if the day comes she wants to live with me, I will have to insist she go somewhere else. I would not allow her to try to destroy my life any further.
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My mother is very negative too. After reading this I'm beginning to think they are just venting.
I'd be depressed if I turned into a very old person. It would freak me out. I'm sure they feel the same way. It's depressing as heck. Life is hard.
When we have our youth and health that is everything we need. Getting old is saying goodbye. It's hard to say goodbye.
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DITTO! LOL For me, it is the tapping of her cane comeing down the hall. As soon as I hear it, I retreat to the bedroom. We have an open floor plan, so mom parks her rear at the kitchen table behind my husband and I and watches TV, interrupts anything and everything we say to each other and even complains if we take phone calls outside because she can't hear what's going on when we do. We have asked her to join us on the couch when watching TV but she refuses stating she likes to sit at the table. I've explained it is very uncomfortable for us having her always behind our backs but it doesn't matter to her. I, too, am disabled and have had to be off of my feet since January so it's hard to get away from her. I think laughter is the only way we're getting through this. Good luck in the future and laugh when you can.
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Rebecca, I know your pain. My 87 year old mother has been living with me for the last 6 years. And it seems no matter what I do for her, it's never enough. In fact, one day she even told me, "You could do more." How's that for gratitude? Everyday when I come home from work I dread the sight of my own front door because I never know what I'll encounter. I spend about an hour with her each night and all she does is bitch about something...ANYTHING. Her sister, the neighbors, her nephew, the grocery store, the gas station, the doctor's office, the pharmacy, her (few) friends. She complains that the guy who cuts the grass didn't do a very good job. Same goes for the guy who plows my driveway, or the town workers who plow the roads. I'm so tired of hearing her bitch all the time. I try to keep my distance from her as best I can while living under one roof but then she complains I don't spend any time with her. Who wants to spend time with a bitch?
Thanks for listening my friends!
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My most precious asset is my peace of mind. Everything else springs from my state of mind, so its important to do what you can to keep your mind balanced or re-direct it if your equanimity is ruined. Some of the strategies suggested (inviting mom to move if she is unhappy with you, getting professional help, talking with trusted friends, walking away instead of engaging with the insanity, practicing meditation & other peace-inducing states, exercise, spiritual practices, etc.) are ways of helping you keep a peaceful state of mind and it is worth the trouble to make into habits. As time goes on, we are all going to face more life challenges, if not physical degeneration, and certain death. Make yourself and your peace of mind a priority.
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It is comforting to hear how others have coped with this situation. I have found myself using meditation frequently and prayer daily asking for the strength to keep my emotions in check in the face of all the negativity. I have done everything but stand on my head, and everything is received with a rejection and scorn, this, from a previously (sometimes) sweet mother. Its like a knife in the heart. Its especially hurtful because I've heard her make efforts to ally one person in the family against the other by saying distorted things and this is especially hurtful. I know she does it to me if she does it to them. I have tried to keep communication with others in the family open so that she is not successful at convincing others that she is being mistreated. My husband tried to talk with her when she started badmouthing me and point out how angry she has been and that of course backfired as she prefers to believe that she has never been angry with anyone ever, and that everyone is mean to her. I have had to meditate a lot in order to keep my calm, no matter what she is doing. I have however found myself shutting down and not wanting to say much to her because I know how it will be received, but then she's on the phone telling people I won't talk to her. Soon I'll be meditating non-stop.
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It's such a tough situation isn't it? Yes; my mom has had the negativity as far back as I can remember. Once I tried playing motivational tapes on a road trip from her home to mine, an 8 hour drive. It drove her crazy! But then again, I tend to do crazy things when I can't break through.

I used to telephone her everyday but found it wasn't good for ME. So now, I call when I know my negativity shield is strongest. It's definitely a situation that needs some coping tools.
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Almost two years ago, my husband and I rented out our home and moved 250 miles to come and take care of his mom (89) in her home. She had been staying with his sister and family after hip surgery, but was so awful (verbally abusive) to the kids that she was tearing their family apart. Our kids are grown and the other siblings are mostly estranged from their mother (Hmmm...), so we got the duty. She starts the day complaining and controlling, and just never stops - unless she is asleep. She's one of those who grew up accustomed to having servants, but the money for that is gone. Now WE are her servants. My husband and I both work full time in addition to our house slave jobs. We are in a small community where the family is deeply entrenched. I can't say anything publicly, because that would damage her "reputation"as "grand dame" of the community. I'm so tired of everybody going on and on that she is some sort of great lady, I could scream! In fairness, she has done good things, and she is still capable of being polite in short stints, but let the door close behind the guest and the negative tirade begins. It NEVER fails!

She has a squeaky claw cane, and when I hear the "thunk-squeak" coming, I start looking for cover. We've concluded that after she passes away, her haunting signature will not be the rattling of chains but the "thunk-squeak" of that cane!
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