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Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Since easing them into it hasn't worked for years, you just give them no choice: "We are reclaiming our lives and ending our care and support two weeks from today. You can hire outside help, or you can be left alone. Make your decision." Then follow through. If you live at his or her house, move out. If he or she lives at your house, move them out. If necessary, call Adult Protective Service and tell them that there is a vulnerable at-risk senior who will be on their own two weeks from today, and let them arrange for whatever your stubborn relative needs.
No one can force you to take care of them. It has been your choice to do this. Make the choices you need now for your own health and safety, both mental and physical. You matter too, and you deserve peace and health. If you can share more information, the members here have a wealth of information and wisdom and can bring you lots of helpful clarity.
I’m sorry the parent is refusing reason and you’re so exhausted. I hope you realize that the parent refusing options does not take away your options. You can choose to save your own time, health, and wellbeing by removing yourself from the situation. It’s what has been required for many elders to accept help from others, while still others have died still refusing. A loving, mentally whole parent would never want this life for you, it is cruel to expect you to give up your life in service. I hope you’ll soon choose you and wish you peace and happiness
A friend told me I needed to trick my mom into going to get mental health help. I said, "She is crazy, not stupid." Mom refused any help unless it was on her terms. I went no contact and she had other relatives pitch in to help. Finally it got so bad she ended up in the hospital twice. I went and picked her up and took her to a care center and told her I would visit her twice a week. It's been 2 years. You need to do something now, not wait. You need to figure out if it is your house or his house. You can either buy your dad out and own the house or abandon it and go live somewhere else. You can't live together. It's not working. He can say, "No" but you don't have to agree to his "No." You can just leave. Don't allow his manipulation to work on you. You think he might die if you put him in a care home, but in reality he will probably just pitch a toddler hissy fit and be mad. That's what my mom did. That's better than you dying while trying to care for him when you are running on fumes. It gets better when you make a good choice and move forward rather than play by his games. He is not in charge, you are.
"Live in his home, its mostly ours now." What does this mean? Has your dad transferred ownership to you, or have you taken over the mortgage from him, or do you mean you have taken over most of the space while it still belongs to him?
As SamtheManager pointed out below, you could be liable for neglect if you have not gotten him medical care because you don't want to lose the house for yourselves if he belongs in a facility because his needs are so acute. Whether that is your intention or not, it may definitely give an appearance of impropriety at least.
Burning yourselves out for a house, whether in current time or for a future inheritance, is not worth it and is not guaranteed, as many people who post here have found out.
Well, you give the parent cold hard facts, such as "We are beyond burnout. We're exhausted. As of May 1, we're no longer available. Here are brochures from Visiting Angels, Helping Hands, Home Instead, and Happy Meadows Care Facility. You decide what type of care you want and can pay for, and we'll stop by and see you once a week or so while you get used to your new life."
Then disappear. Have tickets for Tahiti - or at least Memphis and a tour of Graceland - ready. And then go.
Good luck with your new freedom! You're going to love it. Send them post cards.
You've been sassing them for years, and it's not working? Not surprised. It's time to change your communication skills. You don't need to convince the stubborn parent. Why would they change if they've already got you to do everything for them?
Stop being a care slave for your parent and find an alternative that works FOR YOU. Whether that is hiring in-home help, or finding a suitable placement in a care facility. It is NOT abandoning your parent to take them to a nursing home or assisted living home. Some of these places can be quite nice. And they have plenty of skilled caregivers to provide for their resident's needs, 24 hours a day.
Your parent does not need to agree, and they will probably express their displeasure with your decision, but they are not in a position to negotiate this! It is you and your wife who are doing all the work, and are burned out. Beyond burnout you say. This arrangement is not sustainable, and must change for your mental and physical health!
I agree. I do have sibs who help care for elderly mom in her own home. She needs more and more care and doesn't feel safe at night alone. The 2 who live near her and could just okeep over a few nights and rest of us could do the other nights and partial days. But one works part time so "says can"t do anything" and other has physical pain and " can only spend one night a week". She had much more than sufficient funds but is afraid? to use them.Also miserly to the extreme with everything. She resents us using her water or shampoo to shower. Refused me to put out sone of her hand lotion for others to use. I'm the only sib who questions any of this.
P4p38865, welcome to the forum. Parents can be so stubborn at times. I know my Mom refused any outside help, but my Dad was all for it. Mom said no strangers in the house, and when I hired caregivers (thought an agency), Mom chased them out. I then found myself helping them logistically (not hands on) for whatever they needed. Even that was exhausting.
Stand in front of a mirror and say "sorry, I can't possibly do that" over and over until you are comfortable saying it. Your parent might react like your hair is on fire, but eventually will learn. Also, parents look at us like we are still in our 30's and 40's with a ton of energy when in reality we are senior citizens ourselves or close to it. My parents were that way, even when I showed them my AARP membership and my Social Security card, it didn't register.
As many of us here had to do was wait for a serious medical emergency regarding that parent. Mom spent her final months in a nursing home from serious injuries in a fall at her house. Dad hired back the caregivers to help him, and eventually moved (his idea) to senior living. No more sheer panic like we had whenever we saw my parent's phone number on Caller ID.
If you have POA, you call 911 and tell EMS you believe dad has had a stroke. Have him transported to the hospital, against his will if you are POA, for a full medical and cognitive workup. If the man cannot even lift up a sippy cup, something serious is wrong with him and he gets no say moving forward. If dementia is at play, it's far more than "early". People who are not mentally compromised do not refuse medical treatment. Stop allowing such a fragile old man to manipulate you any further.
My son once physically lifted his father up and put him in the back seat of his car to go get a colonoscopy. His dad wound up having stage 4 colon cancer and needing immediate surgery.
You say that leaving dad alone will kill him. You not getting him medical treatment right away will likely kill him even faster.
And if the authorities find out that they were living there and not doing anything when a man was in need of help to use a sippy cup and obviously not mentally all there, they might get in trouble for neglect.
What are parent’s health issues? Mobility? Incontinence? Dementia? Need more information. Wandering & getting lost? Agitation? You don’t explain what are the problems. Do you live with parent? What is age? Are you a senior citizen too?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
No one can force you to take care of them. It has been your choice to do this. Make the choices you need now for your own health and safety, both mental and physical. You matter too, and you deserve peace and health. If you can share more information, the members here have a wealth of information and wisdom and can bring you lots of helpful clarity.
As SamtheManager pointed out below, you could be liable for neglect if you have not gotten him medical care because you don't want to lose the house for yourselves if he belongs in a facility because his needs are so acute. Whether that is your intention or not, it may definitely give an appearance of impropriety at least.
Burning yourselves out for a house, whether in current time or for a future inheritance, is not worth it and is not guaranteed, as many people who post here have found out.
Then disappear. Have tickets for Tahiti - or at least Memphis and a tour of Graceland - ready. And then go.
Good luck with your new freedom! You're going to love it. Send them post cards.
It's time to change your communication skills.
You don't need to convince the stubborn parent. Why would they change if they've already got you to do everything for them?
Stop being a care slave for your parent and find an alternative that works FOR YOU. Whether that is hiring in-home help, or finding a suitable placement in a care facility. It is NOT abandoning your parent to take them to a nursing home or assisted living home. Some of these places can be quite nice. And they have plenty of skilled caregivers to provide for their resident's needs, 24 hours a day.
Your parent does not need to agree, and they will probably express their displeasure with your decision, but they are not in a position to negotiate this! It is you and your wife who are doing all the work, and are burned out. Beyond burnout you say. This arrangement is not sustainable, and must change for your mental and physical health!
Stand in front of a mirror and say "sorry, I can't possibly do that" over and over until you are comfortable saying it. Your parent might react like your hair is on fire, but eventually will learn. Also, parents look at us like we are still in our 30's and 40's with a ton of energy when in reality we are senior citizens ourselves or close to it. My parents were that way, even when I showed them my AARP membership and my Social Security card, it didn't register.
As many of us here had to do was wait for a serious medical emergency regarding that parent. Mom spent her final months in a nursing home from serious injuries in a fall at her house. Dad hired back the caregivers to help him, and eventually moved (his idea) to senior living. No more sheer panic like we had whenever we saw my parent's phone number on Caller ID.
Age of parent and health problems?
Are you caring for them in your home, their home or are they in an Assisted Living, Memory Care or Longterm care?
Is Medicaid involved?
Give a little backgound. Like years you have been caring for them.
My son once physically lifted his father up and put him in the back seat of his car to go get a colonoscopy. His dad wound up having stage 4 colon cancer and needing immediate surgery.
You say that leaving dad alone will kill him. You not getting him medical treatment right away will likely kill him even faster.
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