My Mother's Friend comes and spends 3 to 4 nights from out-of-town with my Mother. She refuses to accept my Mother's dementia diagnosis, along with no alcohol, and keeping me in the loop of what's going on when she visits. She drives my Mother anywhere she wants to go. And, my Mother spends money on things she doesn't need, or over spends, period, and the friend doesn't respect my wishes as caregiver, daughter, and D.P.O.A., and told me in so many words to butt-out, and that she isn't friends with me, but my Mom, and to leave her alone, and to quit telling her what to do, and her friendship is with my Mom and not me. My Mother is a recovering alcoholic since the beginning of this year. And, she has dementia, and she cannot drive. She has, also, been diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder. My Mom has a lot of problems with managing money, and I have to help my Mother with everything that requires making sound decisions, and help keep her away from alcohol. I, also, drive her everywhere, take her to all medical appointments, make all financial and business decisions. I am responsible for my Mom. This friend is an enabler, and she doesn't respect me, and I don't want her around my Mother driving her all over the place, and spending several nights and days at a time. Her last trip, she smashed a laptop with a hammer and threw away, took my Mom to a new hearing specialist, where my Mom bought new hearing aides, took her to buy a walker (my Mother hates, and i had to buy her another one, and she likes it) tried to get my Mom to buy her relative's dog, and my Mother lies and acts like an insolent and insidious teenager, and then says she doesn't remember. And, this friend takes offense with me and doesn't understand that I need to be kept in the loop, and she won't follow my guidelines concerning my Mother. And, once she leaves, I am left to pick up the pieces, and it is awful, and she just is not welcome. What legal rights do I have to tell the friend that she cannot visit and/or spend-the-night? She spends 3 to 4 nights at a time. Just the negativity she brings and the stress. It is awful. And, she is a bad influence. She's rude, arrogant, disrespectful, and I am trying to keep things positive. I don't trust her or my Mom, especially, when they are together. She is on a lot of pain medication, too, which I have a problem with when it comes to her driving my Mother places around town, too. If I tell her she has to butt-out, or that she is not allowed in my Mom's house, or not allowed to be with my Mother, I want the law on my side if it comes to me having to make this stance with her. Can anyone help advise me on how to handle? And, if it doesn't stop, what legal recourse do I have to back up my words if she doesn't listen and stays away?
Agreeing with Rainmom-make friends, not enemies.
Maybe the rules change with dementia, mental illness, and alcohol?
I can really understand they are both driving you nuts.
O dear, that won't work, will it?
Maybe daughter should be driving?
But sometimes we have to let others make bad decisions and hope for the best. All you can do is plant suggestions on what to do when she comes to town unless you're with her the entire time.
Let Adult Protective Services get involved.
Yes, my Mother lives alone, and she wants to keep it that way, because she doesn't think she has a problem. She has been tested by a neuropsychologist, and she did diagnose her with Dementia, and major depression. My Mother hides things, and she will not just turn over cards. I don't find out about them until a bill comes. Freezing the credit is a good protection. And, I do feel like i am putting off the inevitable with seeking the guardianship. I will call the elder lawyer that did the D.P.O.A., and see what he suggests and what steps need to be taken. Also, I am not trying to isolate my Mom, but I know it could be spun that way. Thank you for this advice. I don't want to be like the person who just fell off the turnip truck, and need to see all angles, to keep anything from going side ways, to make sure that i am doing my best in my Mom's best interest. I can't do this if I don't know the negatives and the positives of how to deal with this problem. Thank you All for your input. It is very much appreciated.
I am so sorry for the whole thing you're going through.
Hang tight!
M88
Hopefully you are looking for you attorney / information, etc.
How's mom?
Friend been back?
Thinking of you,
M 8 8
What is Durable Power of Attorney?
A durable power of attorney (POA) enables your elderly parent (called the "principal" in the power of attorney document) to appoint an "agent," such as a trusted relative or friend, to handle specific health, legal and financial responsibilities.
There are two types of power of attorney:
POA for healthcare: Gives a designated person the authority to make health care decisions on behalf of the person.
POA for finances: Gives a designated person the authority to make legal/financial decisions on behalf of the person.
Families should prepare these legal documents long before someone starts having trouble handling certain aspects of life. At the time of the signing, the elderly person establishing a durable power of attorney must be capable of deciding to seek assistance. For example, people in late stages of Alzheimer's disease may not be "of sound mind" and therefore unable to appoint a POA
Like a trust, a durable power of attorney can be written so that the transfer of responsibilities occurs immediately. Or, the POA can state that the POA goes into effect when your elderly parent becomes incapacitated. Until that point, the elder can choose to continue to make decisions on his/her own.
A durable power of attorney is essential because if a person becomes incapacitated or incompetent without preparing this document, family and friends will not be allowed to make many important financial decisions, pay bills or make important healthcare decisions on behalf of their parent. Nor can they do crucial Medicaid planning. Anyone who wishes to undertake these tasks would have to go to court and be officially appointed the person's guardian.
There are several ways that a POA can written, each of which enables the person who is the power of attorney to makes various, and different levels of decisions. For example, the document might say the POA has the authority to pay bills or sell certain assets. Or POA could extend to all financial decisions, including selling the family home, managing all assets, and dealing with the I.R.S.
People often balk at the thought of preparing and signing a durable power of attorney. The elder may feel as if he/she is losing independence, and this may be something that the person doesn't want to acknowledge. An equally fearsome thought is that the agent they appoint will go against their wishes.
It's essential, of course, to choose an agent wisely and to discuss the scope of the responsibility. The document can be revised or revoked at any time, as long as the person who signed it is considered competent. Otherwise, it stays in force until the principal dies. To learn more about the durable power of attorney, speak with a lawyer who has expertise in estate planning.
Next: The Difference Between a POA, Durable POA and Living Will
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