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You need to find a counselor or a mental health professional who has experience supporting caregivers to help you work through your feelings. You say he does not need 24 hour care but it seems like he needs mobility support to be able to have some independent functions. I believe he might also need a Mental health professional to support him and maybe anti depressants would help his crankiness. Offer him empathy when he is cranky. Saying Daddy, I know this is difficult, I am sorry you are struggling will go a long way. You definitely need some time to recharge. If you go online and pull up any article on compassion fatigue or a caregiver stress assessment you will be able to recognize where you are. The cure for what you have is self care and self compassion. You are trying to care from an empty vessel. Many personal care / assisted living facilities offer respite care. You could take him to respite care to go on vacation. As an aging life care professional and a counselor I often recommend respite care in a good personal care home. Often after a short stay the person being cared for likes the place and wants to stay. In our area there are personal care homes that accept someone's social security as payment. I have found that the socialization that someone receives in personal care can reduce the crankiness because they have a purpose. Then you can visit daily. You are in a fog of overwhelm. It's much like the feelings of having a new baby. I am saying prayers for you.
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Consider some sort of assisted living. Many on this forum have felt overburdened, used and just plain tired of providing care. You would be surprised the number of people that finally realize they cannot do it alone any longer. When the decision is made to move parent to a facility it is normal to feel guilt over this. But it can be worked through.

Things are much different now, as Jeanne said, you will never be Daddy's little girl again, he has become your responsibilty, and the older he gets the harder it will become. When he is moved, then you will become a daughter again, the one that watches over him instead of being responsible for him 24/7. Hand the responsibility of his daily care over to someone else, get the respite you so badly need, then those good feelings may come out again.

Are you certain that hubby wants dad to remain in your home? Caregiving for a parent is a huge stressor on a marriage.
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Can you increase the home care? Get support from any other family members, talk to your home healthcare manager about resources, etc. Maybe join a Caregiver Support group where you can talk to others who have had similar issues as yours or you could talk to the facilitator of that group to see what ideas you can gleem. I know this, you both need time away, monthly, just for you. Your relationship is a re-charge that can only benefit your father, let alone the both of you. Right now you need access to people who know what to do in this case-experts (who know more than me). I don't know what state you are in but a search of senior support and senior caregiver services might be in order.
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What is his income? SS, pension? I hope it is all being used to pay his way, including respite care.

You and hubby are due for a second honeymoon, right? As you budget for it, include the cost of additional help for Dad while you are gone.

You are never going to be Daddy's Girl again. Heck, you are never going to be a girl again. We grow, change, evolve, improve, decline ... and our relationships evolve, too. That doesn't mean you can't have a close and satisfying daughter/father relationship, but it isn't the same as it used to be. Accept that, and work with reality.

When dad was your hero and you were his princess you probably never thought of needing to set boundaries. He is treating you like a maid? Don't respond like a maid. Help with what he needs help with when he asks nicely, but don't help with things he could do himself. Establish the chores he contributes to the household with. With mobility problems this is obviously not mowing the lawn or vacuuming the carpet. But there are surely a lot of things he could do that would be helpful (and incidentally contribute to his self-worth.)

The nature of the relationship has changed, but not in a direction you like. Accept that it is never going to be what it once was, but work on steering it in a healthy direction. Even if you can't be Daddy's princess, you don't have to be his maid!
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Angel, thanks for your response. He actually doesn't require 24 hour care at all. He's just unable to walk, therefore he can't get into and out of bed alone. IF the time comes that he does require 24 hour care, I will look into a facility but that is absolutely not going to happen right now. He would be crushed and my husband nor myself sees that as an option at this time. I was just needing relief every so often not, a way out.
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Many of the people on this message board could tell exactly your story. Your father is not the same person he was when you were growing up. His world is smaller and smaller until he only focuses on himself. This is extremely common for the elderly. And, since he requires 24 hour care, this falls on you. But it doesn't have to.

You feel obligation to help him as you are his daughter...sometimes this means realizing that no single person can care for someone 24 hours a day. In fact, 3 shifts of people at 8 hours each are needed to care for someone in his condition. By putting him into a care home you are not abandoning him...you are getting him the best care possible. And, when that happens and you are no longer responsible for the every day care and trapped in your home, you WILL become daddy's girl again. You will be the advocate for his care, you will be the visitor who can share happy moments, not the snippy frustrated angry person you are now. Not only will he get a higher level of care, but he will also get his daughter back. And you will save your marriage. Find him a care center (probably a nursing home with an option to move to memory care when necessary) and EVERYONE will have a better quality of life.

Angel
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