I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

teng - You can check your local counselling agencies online, read up about the counselors in their employ and make a choice. If it doesn't work out find another one.

"I have resolved myself that this is my home I am not renting an office. The money I spend will remodel what I have. Its my house. We are starting to find the kids a place to move to this week. They need to move out. Dad? Well he is here, not much I can do about it, I started it. I have to be a nicer person, I have been angry with everyone lately, even outside of our home. Yesterday Dad I I were working on a project, I was a very unhappy person when I shouldn't have been, I tried to make up for it but too late"

- glad you are not renting an office
- starting the process this week or to move out this week? Then latter would be better. Really they should find their own place - you just set the move out date and keep it. They can rent an apartment in the interim. It gets them out. Your house is your responsibility, their housing is their responsibility. They need to face their responsibilities.
- of course you are angry, you are in an intolerable situation, You don't have to be nicer, you have to be firmer and deal with what is making you angry i.e. make changes
- there is no such thing as "shouldn't have been an unhappy person. Those are your honest feelings, for good reason. We are not made to take endless cr*p and be happy about it.
- fact: you do NOT have to keep dad with you. You feel you have to, but, in fact, you don't have to and it would be healthier for you and your wife not to have him. What is more important? That you are worried about what people , including yourself, will think of you if you move your dad out, or the health of your wife, yourself and your marriage. Some people here made a promise to never put their parent in a facility, and then have found that they needed to do just that for the sake of their parent and their own sake.

Things will improve when dd and sil move out, but you and wife will still have the self imposed pressure of your dad there, Is that fair to your wife? So you started it. You can end it too.

-

There is No Way the your daughter and SIL are ready to be saddled with a mortgage right now, and I suggest that you do not force on on them, or more specifically Her! Their marriage is in crisis right now with his drinking problem, and they need to be out living on their own, working on their problems, and figuring out if they have what it takes, to make their marriage last for the long haul!

There's plenty of time for you to help your daughter find a home/mortgage on her own, if this marriage doesn't last, but to have her try to extract herself from him, in the unhappy event of divorce, and dividing up their mutual assets will be very difficult, and might make her stay in a unhealthy and unhappy even longer, adding additional stresses to you and her in the long run.

I would definitely be advising them on getting an apartment, living alone together, and working on their marriage, if not, you are opening up a whole new can of worms for all parties concerned, and you know that you will always be there for her, but a hefty mortgage (and they are All Hefty these days!), on top of marital issues is a recipe for disaster!

It just seems like the best thing for the short run, is to get them out, and leave them alone for whilegal, to figure this out on their own! You're coddling them Way too much!

Tgengine, being a caregiver is a tough job. Pretty thankless, too. And when siblings don't cooperate, it really stresses your sanity to the max. You know, I was left with some residual bitterness after dealing with my father's 7-year decline and death about 20 years ago. I thought I was done--until 3 years ago, when my mother began to suffer from "terminal falling." My siblings have only gotten worse with their excuses about why they can't help more. Sometimes, I fantasize that my doctor will tell me that the abdominal cramps, bloating and nausea I have turns out to be a terminal illness. But with my luck, my mother would end up passing away the next day! I hate to seem so negative, and I wish I had some useful wisdom to share here...but right now, this is where I'm at.

Thanks! I have started researching some for me. I really don't mind being a caregiver, its part of me but it has just got so overwhelming. Like guests who will never leave........
Not a big fan of meds. Too much in my system now. When we went away for a few days I didn't even think about work, it was so nice.
I do need to give myself some constructive tasks to keep me busy. I believe the counselor we used is most likely retired, he was close then and that was almost 20 years ago. He gave us the tools we needed in 3 visits.... after the other 2 made us argue more he helped us to realize what we needed and we have been working great ever since!

Call your local Area Agency on Aging, they may have listings.

I wasn't suggesting that you go back to the Marriage Counselor ; I was suggesting that s/he might be a good source of referral.

Research from NIH, Consumers Reports and other reputable sources find that a combination of medication and talk therapy is the mot efficacious treatment for depression.

Totally aware of her process with a house. She is level headed and basing the mortgage on her income only. As far as a counselor it is not a marriage counselor just one for me to sort out my issues. The process wont be a short one, cant kick them all out in a day. I just have to fix me for the moment. Looking online for a counselor. Its not that easy. Not much in the way of assistance for the caregiver in that regard.

tg, getting a house is a much more involved process than renting an apartment. It is not a quick fix. And will take more time to make happen than you realistically have. And....SIL has not proven that he'll do much to maintain a house so is your daughter going to be calling you to help/do repairs? And.....if something occurs between your daughter and SIL, will she be saddled with a mortgage based on two incomes?

I think you need to ask yourself whether taking medication is the solution you want to your problems. If it is, then a psychiatrist is your best bet.

If it isn't, then you need someone who can help you find the courage to establish healthy boundaries and make lasting changes in your home and life on a healthy timeline.

What exactly do you think you're going to get from a marriage counselor when the problems stem from your father, daughter and her husband?

Didn't your wife have a health scare recently? It seems clear from reading your posts that having your children and father (and his dog) living with you and your wife is taxing your health and your wife's health. How much longer are you going to resist making the very necessary lifestyle changes to protect yourself and your wife?

Are you still in touch with the good marriage counselor? S/he might be a good referral source.

You might ask your PCP for a referral to psychiatrist, for evaluation for depression and possible medication.

So what do I look for in a counselor? Many years ago we went through 3 with marriage counselors. (2 bad one good), we went through a tough patch and came out so much better. I am not looking for someone to vent to and listen, I need someone who understands what I am going through. Any ideas where to look?

"We are starting to find the kids a place to move to this week."

"everyday it is going to be "what did you do today to get your house"? They will either find one or move out"

So who's looking for a place -- you or them?

I still don't understand why your father can't live elsewhere. You've had him for three years already. Someone else's turn! If your sibs can take him for weeks at a time, why can't they keep him longterm?

Hoorah about the councillor TG!
It kills me that your response (once again) to your situation with dad is that you made your choice and now you have to stick to it come what may, and oh yeah, the problem lies with you that you can't smile with happiness and say thank you for the sh*t sandwich that is your relationship with him.

I have resolved myself that this is my home I am not renting an office. The money I spend will remodel what I have. Its my house. We are starting to find the kids a place to move to this week. They need to move out. Dad? Well he is here, not much I can do about it, I started it. I have to be a nicer person, I have been angry with everyone lately, even outside of our home. Yesterday Dad I I were working on a project, I was a very unhappy person when I shouldn't have been, I tried to make up for it but too late. The stress is mounting. So the only way is to straight talk with everyone and push them to get going. No more ho hum, everyday it is going to be "what did you do today to get your house"? They will either find one or move out because I am going to be a pain on this. I can't throw my daughter out but I can make him uncomfortable....
Looking up a counselor today for me.... need to vent to more than just my wife.
The minute everyone is out of the house is when we vent and its not good.

Tg,
You are paying, and paying, and paying.

Keep your entire family in your home.
Do not rent an apartment, storage unit, or an office.

Maybe the key for you is to just stop paying.
Borrow some money from your daughter who has saved hers.

Stop paying for everything.
You and your wife go out for dinner every night for a week.

Have daughter, son in law fix dinner for your Dad. But don't buy anything for the fridge.

Just stop paying. Try it, you may like it!
It is amazing what you can find to not pay for.

And try one week to appreciate all that you have without complaining.
That is called 'thinking outside of the box'.

Barb and Cwillie,
Both good ideas for TG.

LOL Barb!

I think instead of paying to rent office space TG and his wife should put that money toward a small apartment and just sneak away....

TG, i just re-read this thread.

You're right. Dad has to live with you. You and your wife are just going to have to suck up being unhappy with the choice that you made to take him into your home.

Same thing with your kids. You invited them, and for three months, it has been the plan for them to move out. Hasn't happened. Not going to.

I'd say you are in for the long haul with 3 unpaid boarders. I think you and your wife just need to resign yourselves to the fact that this is your life for the foreseeable future.

Maybe encourage your wife to get some counseling so she can learn coping skills and not have meltdowns.

http://www.seniorresource.com/asrapt6.php?ST=%27NH%27

Subsidized senior apartments in your state. Get your dad on waiting lists.

TG, get those feeloading mooching kids of yours out of your house, like NOW!  They are both working, fully capable adults, that need to be out on their own, and figuring out their own lives, without your interference! Ffs, I have 4 kids, and all of them are fully functioning adults, making us proud every single day, but you are standing in the way of letting that happen! Yes, they may stumble, but that's all a part of growing up!

You Never should have allowed a married couple back into your home, Never! They need to go, like tomorrow, and then you can begin the task of finding a way for you fully capable Dad, to live in a Senior subsidized Apartment! 

Yes,there out there, and if his income is low enough, there's loads of resources available to him, but you are the one who needs to put his foot down, in order for that to happen! If you don't, it's your wife and marriage that will suffer! 

I know, I know, I've been in very simular shoes as you, but my FIL isn't as "sound", physically or mentally, as your Dad sounds, but we are doing it, and he'll be out of my home, Finally, by the end of this month, enjoying Assisted living, and us freedom for the first time in 13 years!

You can do it too, but for God sake, give the kids the boot, and allow them to stand on their own two feet!

Were you not living free of your own parents at this age? I had 2 kids by 22, divorced by 24, working and supporting 2 babies, and all on my own, with no government assistance, so your Dd and husband can surely do this alone!

You are being way to lenient on them and the ones that you are hurting is you, your wife, and that spoiled daughter of yours! She might be better off on her own, without the alcoholic bumm she's married to, and you can support her in finding a little studio apartment, that she can start over in! A live living with a struggling mooch, is no life at all, and it may take her living with him on her own, to figure it out!  You nay be prolonging her agony and decision,  by enabling them to live with you!

I'm sure she's afraid, but there's no time like the present, to force her hand, and you may well be giving her a leg up, helping her to realize that she'd be better off on her!

The day I cried UNCLE, and told my parents that my marriage was over, they were delighted, and after a brief 9 months stay with them, while I worked my way through trade school, to become a Medical Assistant, immediately there after, I was a fully self supportive single parent (with a deadbeat ex husband who didn't pay child support), and my parents were elated and extremely proud of me! It was hard bloody work, but I was proud of me too!

Go and have a talk with your daughter, make her understand that you will always be there for her, but that she can do this, and all on her own, without dragging along her deadbeat husband! If she Does want to continue on with him, the OUT THEY GO! Fly away little birdies, and all of that!

Today, my Dd's and her new husband of nearly a year, moved into their 1st ever purchased home, and I couldn't be more proud of them! Both of these 2 have been through some personal struggles, but together they have soared, accomplishing so much in such a small amount of time! You gotta let them SOAR, or they will never fly! Tough Love my Friend!

tg - we are trying to help you take some action. I don't know what crisis you are waiting for to spur you into action. Your daughter needs a place of her own and to deal with her sad marriage. That is not your job. She needs to do that for herself. You need to get her and sil out of the house where they can deal with their issues themselves. You are enabling their dysfunction by letting them stay. You are also enabling your dad to expect to be waited on. All this enabling is causing great pain and stress to you and to your wife whose health is suffering. Time to put on your big boy pants and do it, and not worry what they or anyone thinks of you. Use your anger productively. Make it happen. You have set deadlines for this and that before and it hasn't helped. So just start doing it - today - now!!!

TG, one more thing.

Your mom and dad had a business. Your mom is gone and dad has nothing to show for his years of work. That is not your fault.

From what you've told us, mom put up with dad's spendthrift behavior and may well have died from a condition related to the stress of enabling him, never setting boundaries, never putting herself first.

But weeping in frustration to you about it.

Your siblings appear to have learned a lesson from this.

You appear to have been groomed as the next- in- line enabler.

Someone has carefully taught you that the way to be is not to make a fuss, not to make such a big deal, not to complain.

But then you explode, because there really is NO REASON for you to put up with this.

So, fill in the blanks.

Tomorrow is the day I will --------to improve this situation.

By Monday, May 15, I will--------to improve this situation.

By June 1, I will have ---- and ----- which will reduce wife's stress and enable me to have peace in my home.

The ball is very much in your court, TG.  You, and only you, can start to make the changes that will get you your home back.

  If that's what you want, YOU have to make changes. 

Not be mean.

 Make CHANGES. There's a difference.

TG, the prime directive in your home is: Love means putting up with endless sh*t. This needs to STOP. It is killing your wife. Literally. Physical health is compromised. Mental health is compromised. That's the sum total. Nothing left after that.

You are on the brink.

Your daughter is causing it and living it.

Your father will be a self-centered azz no matter where he lives. So stick him somewhere else. Now.

SIL will be a useless mooch no matter whose roof is over his head. And, if I understand correctly, daughter gave him a deadline to shape up or ship out of your home that you pay for?? Ummm, no. Your bankroll, your property, your agony = YOUR deadline. (I recommend end of the week. With a complimentary box of Hefty bags, so SIL can start packing.)

I've touched on this before, but daughter's sh*tty marriage needs to be HER problem. Not a shared, multi-generation problem that fouls your marriage.

And....there might be better words for this.....but are you overestimating your daughter just a tad? Let's say she/you/whatever give SIL the boot. How likely is it that daughter will settle into the the mom-dad cocoon? From the glimpses you've given us, I picture her always "saving" for this or that.....while she continues to align herself with people or ideas that distract her from pursuing age-appropriate independence. With you on the sidelines as daughter's #1 cheerleader.

Dude, "don't go there." Because you need to be your wife's #1 cheerleader. Take a good hard look at everything that's gone askance in your household. For each issue, ask yourself what would bring the most peace and strength to your marriage. Then act on it. All of it.

In the meantime, the money you were planning to spend renting office space? Sock away that amount into savings. Every month. To cover upcoming medical expenses. Or dad's move-out. Or a burial plot.

Or -- more optimistically -- the next vaca with your wife. And you won't come home to dog pee and an empty fridge....right? Cuz you will have reclaimed your home.....yes?...!!

Come on, TG. You can do it!

PS Becoming 'mean' has its place if not allowed to go too far. Boundaries and limits are necessary and, sometimes, we need a good nudge to feel okay about implementing. It's your internal guidance speaking to you!

Hello there. I am caregiving my mother in my home and I can relate to every single thing you've said. I've learned to think outside the box like never before. One thing that stands out for me to share: plan time with your wife more frequently! Find ways to be together alone all throughout the day. That you have the opportunity is wonderful in itself and something to cherish, nurture and protect. Picnics, drives, walks and other low-or-no-cost ideas can be quite lovely. You'll be giving your relationship the respect and the space it deserves and, repeated often, can help restore a sense of having your own life again. No one likes feeling like a child again (in the sense that you've shared here) but it can be a lot of fun to instill adventure and romance by acting like teenagers again. ;)

Hope this finds you doing okay, it's been a while since you posted this.

"So we set a time line and we are working with her to get a place on her own. She is giving him a timeline to get his act together. I told her we can not do this any longer, they need to move out. My wife made it very loud that dad needs to spend time with my siblings but of course all he did was close his door and ignore anything that happened. We need our house and privacy back. Its not that dad is cognitively impaired, he is totally fine. It is just he feels he needs to be cared for."

Didn't you already set a timeline for your d and sil to move out? Since your d has put up with sil to this point, just how effective do you think her timeline to her husband is going to be? (I'm guessing not very effective.)

I don't understand why you have to have your father live with you. I like BarbBrooklyn's advice in the post above.

You wife has health issues. Your wife comes first. I see it as clearly choosing your father over your wife. How will you feel when she has a health setback because of this?

Honestly, if there is nothing wrong with your dad either physically or cognitively then why is he even there? Even very low income seniors manage to find places to live within their budgets. His unwillingness to give up a lifestyle he can't afford is understandable, but his benefit is costing you and your wife and he doesn't even care.

TG; 

You say that you want help.  "Help" could be had by taking yourself to a counselor or therapist.  I can't think of any other sort of help that would "help" in this situation.  Unless you are magically expecting your siblings to step up.

Your siblings seem to be able to set boundaries with your dad; have you asked how they do that?

You say that your dad is not "cognitively impaired". I've read your previous posts, ones from last year, in which you seem describe someone who has the beginnings of dementia. Every single poster told you to get your father evaluated for that. 

Your dad needs an assessment. If he's got a cognitive issue going on, moving him into a supportive environment is the BEST thing you can do for him. If he doesn't, then you find him a senior apartment based on his income.

For the sake of your wife's mental and physical health, your dad needs to move. Because, if he doesn't, she, your wife, will. Please think about that. 

I'm so glad that you're making progress with your daughter's situation.  

Oh, thanks for listening. I am reading the advice. I am taking it in, it is just hard to implement it all. I don't want to throw people out, I just want some help......

Yesterday my wife had a complete meltdown, I mean complete. Took me some time to calm her down. Stress took its toll. Daughter and dad heard it which was a good thing. Although dad ignored it our daughter had her own unbeknownst to me and then we talked. She understands and wants to be out as well. She is in the middle with a depressed alcoholic husband who wont commingle monies or make a move to move out. So we set a time line and we are working with her to get a place on her own. She is giving him a timeline to get his act together. I told her we can not do this any longer, they need to move out. My wife made it very loud that dad needs to spend time with my siblings but of course all he did was close his door and ignore anything that happened. We need our house and privacy back. Its not that dad is cognitively impaired, he is totally fine. It is just he feels he needs to be cared for. The one thing that set off my wife was when we were in the middle of finishing the floor a total mess of the house, he has a person pick him up for a meeting and he never answered the door. "Oh I thought I had 5 more minutes".... Anytime its my friends he jumps to answer the door. Then he brings the person in and through my messy house ..... Sorry it sounds trite but he made it as though we had to announce him. My wife and I had dirt all over us and had to go to the front of the house to answer the door for him. I think that was the major part that set her off. He just doesn't care about other people. This is the way he has always been, its all about him.
My daughter has been advised to tell her husband to get help, get involved or get out. She told him that last night. At least she and I can talk.
I can't believe I am in the middle of all this drama.....

TG, and others who have written here. No, you are not becoming a mean person, who are dealing with trying issues 24/7 , with uncooperative parents, spouses. Being a caregiver is a terribly difficult job, so lighten up on yourself. Get lots of sleep, look after yourself, eat properly and remember to go easy on yourself. Arlene

I have my mother for about 4 1/2 month each year through the wintermwhen at take her to Florida with us. I then was driving over an hour a week to do things for her. I have deleted me this first of all for the last six yrs, when my step dad was living and the last three yrs for my mom after he passed. I have two siblings that live closer to mom but saw her less than me. I absolutely know how you feel when you say you feel like you are becoming mean, I feel the same way. My husband and I have no alone time the months mom is in Florida with us. I even started anti anxiety pills. This year when we returned from Florida I just made up my mind I was not visiting her weekly, my sister would have to pick up the slack since she lives five minutes from her. I call mom daily but it's time for me to take care of me and my health. Mom won't consider an assisted living so I am reconciled what happens happens. I cannot force her. Don't feel guilty, your feelings are valid, it doesn't mean you don't love your dad.