Elderly blind Mom says boyfriend stuck tongue in her ear. What do I do?

Mom is waking you up five times a night? Why is that? That is certainly something you need to address with her physician. It can't be good for either one of you.

Counseling session with my boyfriend was productive. She wants to me to tell my mom when I see him wed --that I am going to see him. And if she acts upset to say I;m sorry you feel that way...but I am going. honestly, sounds ridiculous coming from a 45 year old business owner..but I am afraid she will get all upset after two weeks of it I am exhausted and I just got things to be calm. But therapist says I have to say something soon...ahhhhhh

RW1, it's a baby step - but it's a step.

THINK about it. You are telling your mother you are going to see your boyfriend. Now, objectively speaking, what POSSIBLE harm could come to her from this event? None. None at all, by any stretch of the imagination.

So what you're afraid of is that, as you say, she will get upset. Ok. But upset about what? About nothing. And if she does get upset? What happens? She gets upset. Period.

Follow things through to their worst case scenario. Your mother is upset, but because you know she has nothing to fear you know she is not being reasonable. So you can safely brush it aside, and no harm will come to her, and you will be free to continue with a perfectly reasonable activity and a relationship you have every right to develop.

So the very worst case scenario is that everything is good. Yay! :)

What you can do, of course, is get ready to go out on Wednesday, then when you say goodbye you tell her, very matter-of-fact, "I'm going to have dinner with x, we're going to such-and-such venue, I'll be back at x pm." This leaves no time for discussion, but there is also no need for discussion; so off you go, have a lovely time, all is well; and if she wants to create when you get back, or the next day, just nod and smile and remind her that you ARE a 45 year old business owner (a mere child in my view, but we'll let that pass!) and you no longer require her permission to live your own life.

I know it's not as simple as that when she "thcreams and thcreams until thee's thick" (like Violet Elizabeth Bott) but just hold onto the reality of what is happening, rather than what is being said. She wants to complain, let her. She wants to yell, let her. She sulks, let her (good! - at least it's quiet!). She can be in charge of her feelings, and you concentrate on being in charge of your life. Good luck, relax, be open and truthful about what you're doing, and HAVE A NICE TIME WITH YOUR NICE BOYFRIEND!!!

PS If you're feeling kind and generous towards her, you can always throw in a cuddly hug and say "I'm sorry you're upset, Mum, but I promise you we'll be ok."

Great advice from both therapist and countrymouse. And if she is upset or histrionic, don't engage with her. The first step is always the hardest!

almost at my wits end.....boyfriend and I went to counselor....I told her mom is going to lawyer next week to have it down at least what happened and that I do not believe her and that she now feels she needs to have people know as she cannot trust me to believe her and anything could happen...I realize I can never have my boyfriend to my house....and we can never have a normal life in a house all together.......he told the counselor he is sick of being #2 for three years and he walked out........he told me later he loves me but he cannot do it anymore....then I come home and mom is doing her I'm cold bit...as Iam tryng to work I am running back and forth turning on heaters etc in may in florida. I am so worn out I am getting sick. I have been pulled apart.....I hope my boyfriend will hold on a little longer..but I see his point...for what.....

At this rate, your mom is going to out live you. I am serious. What happens to mom, then? She will have to go act crazy, somewhere else. I think that needs to happen, now. She is actively sabotaging your relationship.

My mother would have done the same thing. She did as much, to my sister's relationship and my sister didn't live long enough to be happy.

Do what you need to do, to get your life in order. By the way, what does threatening to go to an attorney and "get it down," do? Any attorney is going to think that she is delirious.

Everyone is different, I work in an assisted living facility, I wouldn't believe it, but know she is notï lying on purpose. She may be experiencing anything maybe dementia the sweet innocent kiss could have taken her way back to young with her husband. To get a better understanding really look up dementia no matter blind or not it happens to many. You start life young and God willing you live to be older with great grands time flips. Be patient. Sorry so long I talk fast I love all of the people who live at my work and treat them as I want my family to be treated. Mollie Kate

she feels going to an attorney will protect her..she needs someone on her side in case I decide to stay with my boyfriend because then anything could happen to her ..

I am trying to be patient....but I am sooo tired...and watching all my happiness fall apart..

thank you for listening..

It does not seem right to let your mom's misperception destroy your relationship, let alone someone's reputation. She is not letting go of this and outwardly does not come across to most people as demented...a comprehensive geriatric eval and YOU seeing an eldercare attorney first might make sense if you can do it.

Reallyworried1. Please re-read what you wrote above: she needs someone on her side in case I decide to stay with my boyfriend because then anything could happen to her...This is just total blackmail. Your Mother is destroying you and you are helping her along. I cannot believe you have kept your boyfriend by your side for four years and then have stood by and allowed your Mother to attack him for something as criminally stupid as sticking his tongue in her ear. Your Mother is probably at the beginning stages of dementia and might be aware of it to some degree but in her present state she has decided to make your life a living hell. On the other hand it is hard for me to sit here and read your defenses of your Mother's actions over and over again. Please get mad at her! Remember back to how you handled, if in fact you did, the two previous episodes in which your Mother made these ludicrous crude accusations. It is total nonsense that you are allowing your Mother to remain in your home with you while she is persecuting you and is openly taking great pain to hurt you terribly and to destroy your boyfriend and to
destroy any chance that you will have a loving future together. Also please consider taking a more mature position regarding your boyfriend's short term addiction to pain killers. That he told you this in honesty should not have opened him up to all sorts of accusations from your Mother and to fall prey to swirling doubts to his character in your mind. I have a hard time accepting the fact that you are a successful businesswoman of 45 and yet you cannot put your Mother in the place any else would in this situation. She is over the top, she has crossed a line and you have got to let her know it. Why do you treat her like she's a fragile bird when she comes across as someone who is intent on ruining your boyfriend and then taking you down too as well as any chance you and he have to be together and have the happiness you deserve. I can't tell you to "man up" but please do the female version of it. And stay strong and keep thinking and knowing that you don't deserve the s_it that's getting thrown your way. And like everyone else has said, Get your Mother to a doctor, pronto, before you check into the ER with your own chest pains! God bless.

RW, I completely agree with French Madeline, with some additional - maybe easier to accept? - thoughts about your mother.

She is behaving monstrously, but not because she is a monster. She is fearful for all sorts of good reasons - her frailty, her disability, her very advanced age, her helplessness - but she is dealing with it very badly. I don't blame her for being afraid, I sympathise with her need for reassurance and security, BUT that is no reason for you to allow her to dictate terms.

Go back a bit. Here is where we are.

You are a successful, capable person.
You love your mother.
Your mother has substantial care needs, which you want to supply.
Your boyfriend sounds like a good, reliable and caring person who, however, for understandable reasons, is pretty pissed off with his position in the pecking order.
YOU HAVE NEEDS TOO.

What are they?

Now listen. To put it harshly, your mother will get what she's given. You are in charge of that household, just like you're in charge of your business. You make all the money, you pay the bills, you run the show. Yes, of course, you want everyone in your life to feel secure and cared for; but HOW that is achieved is for you to say.

Reductio ad absurdam: your mother's argument is that if you have an independent emotional life she is at risk of assault from weirdo perverts in the house. Come ON. It's bollocks, isn't it.

Sit down and picture her internal scenario for a little while. I want you to make the pictures as B movie daft as you can. I want you to see that your mother has got things crazily out of perspective.

Then, please remember who you are, what your abilities are, and most of all that what you're trying to achieve is a genuinely safe, comfortable and caring environment for your mother. Going along with her nightmarish imagination will not do that: on the contrary, you will be feeding her fear.

You have all of the real power in this relationship. You can walk out: she can't. You can have her consigned to residential care. You can hire professionals and refuse to go in the same room as her. There are all sorts of things well short of abuse or neglect that you could quite legitimately do that would make her very unhappy indeed; and the mere fact that you wouldn't DREAM of them is proof in itself of how much you care for her. Lady, you have nothing to prove.

Please call a moratorium on discussions with her for a limited period. "Mother, my personal life is not your business. I refuse to discuss this for the time being." She wants to make an appointment with a lawyer? Oh yeah? How's she going to do that, then? And how's she's going to get there? And how's she going to pay his fee? You shouldn't stop her, ethically speaking, but you don't have to encourage her. Say you're making the appointment. The call goes like this: "hello, my mother would like to see you to place a statement on record that my boyfriend stuck his tongue in her ear. What's that you say? That if she wishes to complain about an assault we need to call the police? Oh, okay. Thank you for your advice, I'll suggest that to her."

RW, I'm keenly aware that we're sitting at our computers telling you do this, do that, say this, say that. And you're in a house with your mother, and you're terrified, and it's not the same. But somehow, in whatever way works for you, detach. You don't have to do it for long, just for long enough to jam the brakes on this crazy situation and get back in control. Ask your therapist for effective, short term techniques. You are the boss, and everybody you care about needs you to be in charge.

Or, as I think FM meant to put it, get your big girl panties on. You can do this. We're all behind you.

Wits, I would have walked out long ago. But that's me. You seem to genuinely care for your mom and want the best for her. What's becoming clear, to me at least, is that she's either mentally ill or has dementia or both. The fact that she's come up with this bizarre accusation when you begin to assert your autonomy late in the game points toward her feeling completely dependent upon you for not only support, but for happiness, validation and all the things in life that we're supposed to produce ourselves. She's going to the lawyer for what, to swear out an affidavit to accuse your boyfriend for assault? Does she have physical evidence or witnesses? That in and of itself is crazy. Go along with her to the lawyer. Tell her/him that since mom can't trust you anymore, someone else needs to be appointed POA, have health care and financial proxies, since obviously you are no longer trustworthy, in other words, make it a one stop legal trip. I would try to find a sympathetic, female elder care attorney who may be able to advise BOTH of you. In other words, call her bluff. And yes, as I said in my first post LONG AGO, she needs to be seen by a geriatric doctor. Her mental status, depression and anxiety status, her cognitive status and her ability to perceive reality all appear to be impaired; the sooner she gets treatment, palliative or otherwise for all of this, the better off SHE will be. And what you're trying to do, vis a vis your boyfriend, be one big happy family, mom is going to derail it. So you're going to have to make up your mind if you are going to have a live-in caregiving relationship with your mom, excluding all others (i.e. the way she wants it) or if you are going to arrange for her ot have help/live somewhere supportive so that she can gain some independence, have a social life and have you as a loving daughter, not a nursemaid. If you read ANY posts on this board, you will see that living with an elder who starts out a little bit needy and/or demanding goes downhill and spirals out of control very quickly and ends badly. Make some changes now.

Wow, such thoughtful, caring, wise answers on this thread. I just hope reallyworried1 can take them to heart and find the strength to stop the madness that is in her home before it takes her down (while her frail mom carries on).

thank you..I am looking into getting more help at home. you have to keep in mind she is pretty sharp and to doctors shows no signs of any issues except the usual for a person of her age and being blind.

I am physically worn out and barely functioning from the stress and the tug of war on me between my mom's feelings and my boyfriends needs.

my boyfriend is going to step back now.....I asked him just to wait til I feel healthy again in a few days as I am not doing well now. I wll see what happens..

thank you for your support.

Just to let you know, that I understand where you are coming from, my own Mother actively hated her SIL. She had good reason. My sister divorced him after 40 years. Now, that this sister threw her life away trying to care for Mother and dying fairly young - guess who is caring for Mother? The former SIL. He goes to the NH and visits, takes her fruit, mows her yard, etc. Now, she loves him. Talk about goofy.

Chicago1954 I kept reading SIL as Sister-In-Law and couldn't make sense out of your post. NOW I realize it's Son-In-Law. I guess I need to go back to the thread about abbreviations and re-read them. :)

Hello reallyworried1, you have awoken to your problem some of the best minds on this forum. Now it is a question of making the right decisions for your comfort. Is it too late to ask you to take yourself, your emotions and all of the conflicted ties to your Mother out of the situation as it stands now and then take some steps that would be beneficial to you, to possibly your boyfriend and if she allows it, to your Mother also. These steps you take should make complete sense to any impartial outsider presented with the facts of the situation.

I am so concerned about your well-being and your state of health BECAUSE you still don't get it: you have said above that you are worn out by the tug of war placed on you "between your Mom's feelings and your boyfriend's needs." I am sorry but your Mom's feelings have been fomented by her based on a lie she put out there in an apparent effort to come between you and your boyfriend, to stop you from out of the picture, which she wants to remain one of you and her. As for your boyfriend's needs I am going to go out on a limb here and say that your BF wants you 1) to be healthy again; and 2) to stand up to your Mother, refusing to allow her to torment you. These are his only "needs" that should concern you while this episode is "alive." That this crazy little vignette of your Mother's was given any validity was your first mistake. That your Mother made the same specific accusation previously (how those episodes were handled
so that you did not end up being persecuted by your Mother might be something for you to revisit) provided you license to nip in the bud this current more hurtful episode and to stop it before it ever took on a life of its own, as it has, especially since this time the "value" of the accused, i.e., your boyfriend, has been upped by an enormous percentage.

As far as doctors not being able to ascertain what might be newly wrong with your Mother and/or if she might be experiencing the beginnings of a dementia of some kind you could very well be mistaken on this count. There are any number of tests that can be administered to your Mother that would help them make their diagnosis. At the very least an evaluation by a medical professional could turn up vitamin deficiencies, low B levels or other physical factors that could be playing a role in your Mother's recent "hysteria."

Are you in touch with any other family members, perhaps an aunt, who might intervene to return a semblance of quiet order to your household? If not I would say that you tentatively accept your Mother's position, (that she will stay in her room and pout rather than be near your boyfriend) and go about your business, to include getting out of the house, as you would normally and in whatever manner makes you feel strengthened, i.e, that'll help you be calm and get the rest and sleep you obviously need, whether it's taking naps off and on, sitting on the front porch with a coffee or in the garden with a favorite book or locking yourself in the bathroom to escape into a long, sudsy soak. Take care of yourself first. Your Mother has shown herself to be mightily self-absorbed; she is not about to start worrying over your health. You do it and please take care of yourself. God bless.

Thank you for your input and prayers....most appreciated and needed. My mom only said the tongue thing with the hairdresser who is gay last year..but I thought nothing of it really...she said something about a lady where we used to live 8 years ago doing the same thing...but I thought well she isn't hugged and kissed and she feels it wrong.

But with my boyfriend naturally this is a humugnous issue...that just does not end. I was so upset today when a business appointment ended early I called my church and asked if a priest could see me. He did....I was expecting fire and brimstone for not believing my mom. But he kicked my butt for acting like a 16 year old girl and not a 45 year old woman. He said just because I did not believe her ..that I was not a bad person and why should I be questioning that. He went on for a while and he suggested my saying to her that if she does not accept my boyfriend we will put her in a nice assisted living but I explained to him that I cannot do that. I know some of you have asked about other family....there is none. When my dad died when I was 17 it was just us. and my mom built a life in a town that she was not happy in because she thought it would benefit me school wise etc.

When I was a child I was sick and she took care of me....When I was not well in my twenties she supported me got us a car,,,she could not drive as she was losing her sight then...and helped me work on a career I could do from home, and I agreed to take care of her once I got back going. It was really rough times...mom had alot of health issues and we had alot if money issues. I never really thought I would be able to have any really serious relationships as I was so physically worn out from just working. I dated for stretches but it was not real serious but my mom was encouraging of my going out and doing things. Times really got rough when she for some reason said that there was an odor in the apartment and she could not live there.........so that began our 4 year or so saga of moving and moving...............no place seemed to work for her.....I would pay rent and she would get hotels...for years....then sometime the hotel odors and drafts would bother and we would sleep in the car out in parking lots....I am not making this up....but naturally it forged a really close...yes too close bond. I was trying to run a business at this time........and mom would be in the back seat with the car running for hours on end while I ran into see clients. Then all the money ran out....so we finally got to one place. During this time I met an older doctor 25 years my senior.....we started dating....it was rough with mom in the car on dates....or in a hotel.........finally I told him what was going on she was somewhat enouraging but felt he was too old and she did mention to be careful that he might drug me being a doctor and she was there for protection. At the times that she stayed in the hotel I would go to his house....lol....He really did love me but he gave up when he invited me to meet his entire family and my mom said he got bitten by mosquitoes and I had to come home. She told me I said that I was not really having a good time anyway so no big deal..I did not say that..I said it really had not started yet well he dumped me the next day depressed I joined match............and met my current boyfriend....as a friendship grew he told me someday that if someone loved me enough they would accept my mom and me as a unit...

Our relationship had big ups and downs.....and my mom denies this....but she was not happy with him from the get go and kept telling me that he does not have money and savings and why get married if you do not have this and why did I sacrafice my life and happiness to move to a wealthy town for you to find a man who you could find any where etc etc. He and i broke up a bit..sometimes due to pressure from my mom and sometimes from me....as I was so tired with work and home stuff....esp during winters when things are really hard to get a night's sleep. the recession brought bad times....i was Tcarry big debts and my clients were clossing....but my boyfriend emotionally held me together and with his emotional help I believed and I got out of debt and turned my business around...

we made a plan for the future...........and he got promoted and promoted so we would finally be able to have a life..

last december he was staying with me for three weeks..commuting 3hours a day for work..........and I was exhausted and the place is small and we got on eachothers nerves. He also took steroids...yes I know really bad...he did not lie..he felt he had gained weight and was lacking energy and well he got edgy. I should have just talked to him but I did not...........
and when he came home one night when he was really tired and hungry and there was no ac.....he said something about my burning a pan when my mom was there and I would have normally just given a quip but my mom was sitting there so I let it go......then when I was fixing her room he was walking back and forth by the kitchen getting his stuff...as we headed upstairs my mom said you were back and forth alot...he sounded cranky but all he said was.............the dvd was dirty had to clean it..I didnt think you could hear me. All she heard was I didn't think you could hear. She said nothing but was super upset and I was upset about the pan comment and I let her anger escalate and and my tiredness..i told her outright he did not say she could not hear....but i ended up kicking him out. We stayed in touch though alot of tears...he stopped the steroids immediately ..and said if anything ever bothers you just tell me we stayed apart a few months. When I was cracking up with my mom calling 10 times a night and I almost walked out the door ..he oddly called and said you need a friend........and you need to go back and hug your mom....she is scared and blind and all you have. He and I then decided to try again..........I kept it a secret from her as she was like do not see that man again and why did you get involved with someone who was addicted to pain pills ..albeit 14 years ago...but...however he said to me after sneaking around a month or so....no I want to marry you.........i got promoted again....I will have the money to have you cut back working to help mom more and we can get a bigger house. I tell you all this...not to bore you but to show you why I am so torn. My mom has done everything for me..........and she would not survive a asst living place and my boyfriend..although we have had our ups and downs..has accepted that I could get sick again and was going to take on mom too and now all this..............it is such a shame.

In every eventuality I lose...My mom has never really lied...she does does things that she will not agree to later..ie saying things to try to break me up with my boyfriend..etc... but she has done everything and more..

My boyfiend has been loving and supportive but wants to be number 1....and so I am torn and feeling ill from the strain. Am trying to get some rest and praying that maybe the lawyers she is seeing next week can help her see things better..but I doubt it...

good night and thank you again!!

RW; get some rest. Go back to counseling; you really, REALLY need professional direction (and your priest is so right on) to work on this, to work on seeing your mom in the light that you have just presented her to us. That's all the advise that I can give right now. Any other direction needs to come from a licensed therapist who is with you in the moment and can provide 24/7 support to you on your journey. One more thing, no one, not lawyers, not doctors and certainly not you, is going to be able to reason with your mom; there is no reasoning ability there, for whatever reason.

Really, you should listen to your priest! You really thought he would be mad at you for not believing your mother, but the truth is your mother is not believable! Mom is not lying but that does not make her correct, and that does not give her the right to kick your boyfriend out of your life on the basis of an unfounded accusation. Some of what you are describing could almost cross the line to deliberate misunderstanding. She is all too ready to confirm bad things being thought or said about her, and never ready to admit she might be mistaken in that.

Your relationship with your mom is sicker than you realize and it is not good for either one of you. I am sorry you are just realizing it now as your moms realistic needs for care and support are increasing, but you absolutely must develop enough objectivity if you are going to help her and help yourself. WHAT makes you think she will die if she goes into assisted living?? Most blind people are physically independent, but I guess the combination of blindness and untreated mental illness or at least terrible interpersonal dysfunction is devastating.

You owe your mom an effort to see that she has safe, appropriate care. You do NOT owe her your life, your sanity, or your entire future or any relationships you might be blessed with. One of the words used for this kind of relationship with your mom is "enmeshed." It is probably totally unrealistic for any of us to assume you can dramatically change this overnight, but maybe you can get started on changing your future and your moms to one that is not absolutely blighted and restricted by enmeshment and mutual dependency. You have both realistic and unrealistic fears to deal with. Mom might tell her assisted living staff that she was abused by your boyfriend and you. It might be her way to emotionally cope with having to look to, someone beside you for some of her support, and you may have to lt her have that. I know my mom told some staff that my dad had been abusive to her, and it hurt my heart becauSe what I'd seen was the other way around...but then she could let go of some of the guilt of being unable to car for him. At one point she went as far as to say it was his fault for eating a bad diet...when she as the one who cooked and decided what food was bought, 100%! I realized it was incorrect but I had to let it go. Face the fears of both kinds realistically with all the courage you can muster, rather than go on believing your mom cannot possibly do without you to enough of an extent for you to have a life.

Why CAN'T she go to a nice assisted living place? Because she doesn't want to? Because sshe's told you that you owe her? For doing what a mother does for her child, takes care of her when she's ill? The obligation doesn't flow in the other direction. We honor our parents by getting them the care they need, not by destroying our lives, our happiness and our futures by killing ourselves with stress.

thank you so much for you thoughts and advice......My mom would not survive an asst living facility...she has only been with me....and the stress would be too much on her..and I cannot have that on my conscience with all she has done for me.

The stress has been so much I now have a chest cold and am going to try to get some sleep and pray..

my boyfriend is trying one last ditch attempt....when I feel better to have me tell her we are still seeing eachother and then little by little have him over...he has written for me to tell her how he will never go near her and all he wants is my happiness and we need to try to make this work as a family...

i am praying hard that this can resolve itself...I am so worn out and depressed..

thank you for letting me share..

Ask your self a few questions. did you think all the moves your mom insisted on were necessary for the reasons she stated. She reduced the pair of you to extreme poverty and co dependence clinging together living in a car for pet's sake. What would you think if someone told you that story.
I would hazard a guess that mom is mentally ill and always has been. We know she is blind which is very sad for an elderly person but many face and live with that.
The woman uses chains for apron strings find the key and unlock yourself. You owe it to your mother and more importantly yourself. I can feel empathy for your mother as a damaged person from a professional point of view but for you, only you can take the first step or spend as much as 20 years beholden to mom. This time listen to your priest he is a wise man and keep up the therapy.

Reallyworried your mom has created an alternate universe for you two over the past 45 years. You're just starting to peek outside of that fairytale universe in the past few weeks. It's understandably scary as all get out for you, because the universe your mom has created for you isn't healthy for either of you. I think you sense that, but to admit it would be to admit that your mom has acted in ways without your best interest at heart. She may have a mental illness, she may be narcissistic, I have no idea.

But if you look at ALL of the feedback you've gotten from objective third parties, it's ALL in agreement that your mom is asking you to continue in an arrangement that isn't healthy for either of you. Your therapist says you're enmeshed with your mom. Your priest counsels you that your mom is making unreasonable demands on you. Your boyfriend wants to help you, despite your mom's accusations against him. Every single answer from this group of caregivers, who are dealing with lots of moms your mother's age or older are all saying you need to step away from allowing your mom to keep you entrapped in this cocoon of dysfunction. Will it be easy? No. Will it be good for BOTH of you? I really believe it will.

You are NOT the only person who can "save" your mom. Your mom wants you to believe that, because if you do believe that, you're tied to her forever. But in reality, your mom is a survivor. She'll do whatever it takes to get along. And she'll do just fine in assisted living or even independent living. Will she understand or agree to that willingly? I doubt it. Because she's going to want to keep you in your 2-person cocoon, where she controls you and she's happy.

But you have your own life to live. Your mom has lived her life. What mother wants her only beloved daughter to give up her life in 24-hour service to her mom? No healthy mom that I know would ever want that! They want their children to flourish in their own lives with husbands and children of their own.

Your mom needs to be with others her own age. There are a lot of blind or deaf or otherwise physically challenged people living just fine without a full-time caregiver child. Give your mom the chance to find her own strength. She has it, it's there.

We're here to support you through this very difficult transition in your life. You have a loving man who wants to work with you to make a life. Take him up on it. Let the priest talk to your mom. Let your counselor talk to your mom. Call in the reinforcements you need to get the strength to do what you need to do to get both of your lives back. Your mom CAN be independent, as can you. And in the end, you'll both be better for it.

thank you so much...I guess what I am grappling with is that my mom is mentally very sharp and with it...she has some health issues that have made things odd..

but it this really weird thing that stands to mess things up..

my boyfriend is still actuallly standing by me and said he wants to try again....as a family if she will..

but I am afraid she will freak out...and I cannot bear upsetting her and having her scared or crying..

at the same time...I do want my own life too..

ahh..just working on feeling better now.....cause without that I have nothing..

thank you!!

Rw, you keep saying that your mom is mentally sharp. What we, as a community, trying to support you, are trying to tell you, is that whatever you mean by sharp, it is abundently clear to all of us that your mother is, and may always have been, mentally ill. You can be "sharp" and mentally ill at the same time. Your mother is not seing the same reality that you and the rest of us are seeing. Your priest knows this. Her reality testing is off. We have no way of knowing if this is recent or not, but given the story about the odors, living in the car, the thing about your previous boyfriend...it seems like it is long term pathology that you've lived with all your life, and that you've bought into. If you want to have any kind of relationship outside of being her caretaker, you are going to have to take some steps to take a look outside of mom's reality. You keep saying that she'd die in assisted living...would she die in a day care type senior center? Are you convinced she cannot exist without you? Can YOU exist without her? Someday she'll die. Wil you die because she does? Hard questions, yes. But if you truly want a life outside of your mom's fantasy world, you're going to have to try to see things from another perspective. Do this with your therapist. And keep posting here, we're all rooting for you!

Reallyworried have you felt upset or cried lately? Did you survive? Of course you did. Your mom will survive feeling upset or crying too! When I've gone to help my mom shower, she's cried and once she yelled and cried and said, "Why are you DOING this to me?" Argggggh! It was awful - it about ripped my heart out. But she needed to shower. It killed me, because my mom is not a crier or a yeller. In fact, I started to cry it upset me so much. That settled her down and we finally got her shower done. Did she survive the experience? Of course. Did I? Of course.

We are all upset from time to time. That's life. No one escapes feeling those feelings. But when you feel those feelings, they naturally fade. Your mom will survive this. She's just made you so afraid that she won't that you're afraid to even go there.

Every week when I go to help my mom shower, she says, "I don't feel like it today, I can't." But I've learned that if I persist, I'll get her showered and she always says, "Ahhhhh, that warm water feels SO good." And when she's done, she feels great. But it's getting her in there that's the tough part. But I know it's in her best interest, whether she realizes it or not at the time. Same with your mom.

Look up "enmeshment" on Google...then it's clear why this is not as simple as we hoped and not so easy for this poster to grasp hold of. Also why she's so tired... dealing with insurmountable emotions and what seems like a no win situation could wear anyone out. Baby steps towards a better solution may have to do... It would almost take superhuman strength to just change Lord knows how many years of enmeshment into a healthy relationship overnight.

yes my counselor told me I am in an emeshed relationship...from all the years of it just being my mom and me through sickness and money loss etc.

my mom though shows no signs of mental illness....I think it is all emotional...she is run by fear and in her heart she thinks my boyfriend is not the right one for me so she is behaving this way..

thank goodness I got a cold...it stopped the talking for a couple of days...

the priest said let her go to the lawyers and then get counseling and try to keep your relationship going..

I realize the baby steps are correct...i cannot bear hurting her and I just have to figure something..

thank you all for your support..