For those of you who know my story, you know the relationship that I have with my dad. He is now in the hospital for some health issues and is receiving physical therapy. The doctor wants to recommend a nursing facility after discharge due to the issues. I'm in agreement because he needs help fulltime and I can not do it. But I do not think my dad is going to agree with this because he keeps talking about what he can do on his own and he can't. He was verbally/emotionally abusive to me as a child and to my mother as well. The abuse continued into my adulthood. He is also demanding. Even one of the nurses at the hospital told me that he is. When I go visit him, he finds things for me to do! Such as hand him things that are right by him. The doctor is supposed to talk with us this week but I will working and can not take off work. I'm afraid that decisions will be made without me being there. I have also noticed a change in him cognitively that was not present before. My question is, am I responsible for being a full time caregiver upon discharge? I can’t do it.. I have cried for two days thinking about it. I'm not a bad person, but I know it would not be a positive experience.
That said, I think you need to step away from your father's hospitalization and discharge planning. As long as you are present in his life, he will not be amenable to a nursing facility.
Call the social worker/case manager right now and tell them that you are not going to be involved in caring for your dad. If they try to persuade you with their "We'll get you home help" baloney, be blunt that "Only a nursing home can help him."
If your father was so awful to you and your mother and remains an entitled and demanding person to the point that you say you're depressed and anxious, why on earth do you keep him in your life? Do you not see that you're in a toxic relationship with him? What are you going to get out of going to this meeting on Monday?
The only thing that she will get out of it is conflict with her emotions and possibly health issues that will stem from stress.
As many of have mentioned, please put the fact that you will not be providing care or transportation to your father IN WRITING .
Do not be afraid of your father, or of what "others will say". You are the only person who can take care of YOU.
I told the SW that I was unable to care for him and she gave me information on facilities in the area.
tell the place they cannot deposit this human without cognitive power to take care of himself… there is no full time help at that address
My situation is the same. I can’t provide the level of care he needs. Even if I was not working, I still could not. I found out that the meeting will be Monday, instead of tomorrow , so I will be able to be there. I think some people have the misconception ( I know his family does) that me agreeing with the doctor that he needs a nursing facility means I don’t care but me wanting him to be cared for by professionals is caring!
I am glad that you don’t have a cold heart like your father did towards you and your mother. Use the love that is inside you to care for yourself.
Your dad doesn’t have any right to expect you to care for him. There are many people who don’t have children and they are cared for by others. Your father will adjust to others caring for him.
You deserve to have peace in your life.
Just an idea. And no, you don’t have to do anything for your dad. The more you can stay out of it, the better.
Luckily the meeting with the doctor will be Monday instead of tomorrow so I will be there. I plan to talk to my dad today and let him know that he needs full time care. Meanwhile one of his family members is agreeing with him but I know what I see and he is not capable of living alone and I'm not capable or willing to be fulltime caregiver.
What Dad does is his concern.
His choices. His life.
I am not a rehab hospital.
I am not a nursing home.
I am certainly not his care solution.
I am his daughter. My contact level will be of an occasional visitor.
Dad is setting the stage perfectly now, with FOG tactics, to break you down, bit by bit, day by day, to where you throw your hands up in surrender and agree to go care for the "poor soul".
Do not fall for these tactics. You have no rights to make ANY decisions on his behalf! It would be insanity for you to even consider taking on his care w/o being medically trained AND having POA.
Stay strong and let logic prevail. Use your head and not your heart!
It has been suggested that you leave your father to the care of the State guardianship programs. If you choose to see him, visit him, assume care of him that is entirely your OWN CHOICE and your own responsibility.
If it is difficult to absorb this from us why not visit an elder law attorney for LEGAL reassurance.
Has Dad had a formal cognitive evaluation? A lifestyle in-home evaluation by an OT? An assessment of his living quarters and how practically they can be adapted has his limitations increase.
I know of no state in the US that imposes the obligation of physical, hands on care. Any obligation on you might be financial, but I’ve ever known of a case in which that obligation was imposed.
Google “Assisted Living/Memory Care/Skilled Nursing”. There are levels of care that might be a good fit, and incorporate his medical issues into a less restricting environment.
Your situation already appears to be woefully out of balance, and you’re holding the short end of the stick. You are doing too much, and that allows him to be more complacent concerning his own opportunities to do for himself.
Last thought- FOR YOURSELF- Google “Free and Low Cost Counseling”. You need someone to sift through your stuff, help you weed out the stuff (thinking) that is painful for you, and help you assert your right to be a”care manager” not a hands-on “caregiver”.
Yes, you’re RIGHT. GRAB IT.
Follow the great advice below and tell all your family members who want you to sacrifice your life for your abusive father to Kiss Your Grits.
Have you made it perfectly clear to the DP that you canNOT be his caregiver, and that he will be unsafe if he goes home? Also make sure that IF he discharges himself to home that you do NOT participate in any such transport home.
No.
Sometimes it takes a person a going home & failing before they admit they do in fact need more care.
Read over Barb's tips. They work!
I swear, sometimes I had to fake it til I made it when sounding assertive!
"No, Aunt/Uncle, I cannot quit my job to care for Father. I couldn't do it even if he were cooperative and appreciative, and he's not."
" He needs to be somewhere with people who can make him listen to what he needs to do to stay safe. That's not me."
"No, I do not owe him my life. That idea is laughable. I am the ONLY person who can take care of me. He has other options."
"I won't listen to this any longer. My being his caregiver is not on offer."
Send the discharge planners an email, text, fax or drop off a written letter "I cannot provide care for my father. He will not be safe at home because he will be alone, despite what he may tell you."
Also, since you are NOT his POA, you really have no authority here. Remember, if you decide to help find a rehab/NH for him, you don't sign ANYTHING. HE signs for himself. You are NOT the responsible party
Consider having the state take guardianship.
I hate waiting for the other shoe ( parent ) to drop .
I plan to try to reach the doctor by phone. I also spoke with his case manager and told her that I'm not able. She gave me some options to look at for facilities. I think the doctor means LTC. As of right now, he is unable to stand on his own and needs help with everything . He has been receiving therapy and there is some improvement but not enough to live alone. Some of his family members are good at trying to bully me into doing things and I will not allow them this time. I have been the one that has been there for years and they were no where to be found.
I know just what you mean. They got away with it before, but not anymore. Stand your ground. No.
Can they change the meeting to a time when you can be there?
Or is it maybe better if you aren't there?
The doctor needs to lay out for dad that he can't go home; he either needs discharge to rehab (is that what is being recommended?) or to LTC.
You are not an option. I trust you have made that clear to the doctors and discharge planners