Same story as many here. Long story short - mom released from hospital (weakness and some confusion due to low sodium). She is back to her baseline (we are now monitoring labs much more frequently). I have 2 sisters completely unwilling to help with any of mom's care. Mom is 87, I am 60 (sisters 50 and 63 both in good health and live nearby). I am now POA medical and financial (when mom can no longer make decisions for herself, and memory is slipping). Sisters hate me, so are basically punishing me through mom (by not assisting in her care). I have had to move in with mom due to sisters not helping (they were a bit prior to a family feud). It has been close to two months now that I have literally moved in night / day. I have asked for my sisters to help but they are not evening willing to spend 1 night each a week with her. Mom is able to be alone during day - she can dress herself if clothes are put out for her. She can toilet herself, make light lunch, uses walker in home and has medical alert necklace should she fall. I have recently changed professions from RN to realtor, so I am not "punching a clock" and can work a lot from (which is not easy as the TV here is on LOUD all day - fox news which is ok, but the noise level is getting to me trying to work). We have a care giver 2x week to assist showering (3-4hour blocks). I shower mom and do her "exercises" all other days - Takes a good 2-3 hours by the time she gets moving in the morning.
This is starting to take a toll on my relationship with the gentleman I was living with. I have not spent the night with him for over 2 months. My sisters have threatened me with APS if I leave mom home at night on her own. Mom is capable of being here alone during for periods of time (has the fall alert, no falls as of yet). She gets up to potty at night on own and I sleep through the night in room close by. I have not to today I had to help her at night. I am wondering why I cannot spend a night or two a week with my friend. Make sure she has her pajamas on (which she can get on), get her dinner, leave around 7 and stay till like 7am (mom gets up at 7:30). She is capable of getting her coffee in morning (if I make ahead). This would only be 2 nights a week (for my need to get out and have 2 normal nights). I would feel so guilty if she fell, but she could fall while I am in the home sleeping too. My boyfriend lives 12 minutes away - so far, he says he understands, but mom could live a long time and I doubt the relationship would last with no intimacy (my guess only). I told mom that if we need to hire additional help and sisters are NOT willing to step up so I can spend two nights with Steve. The additional $ paid for help should be taken out of their inheritance? It is not fair that I do ALL the work and they get the same amount in the end? I AM NOT trying to make this about money, but it can be a motivating factor (especially for one of my sisters that can't keep a job and is waiting for mom to die to collect her $$$ about 300K). Mom does not want to leave her home, and there is no reason with help (hired or not), mom can't stay here with her capabilities at this time. My thoughts were that if the added "hired help" was taken from their share, they might be more willing to step up and help out? Thoughts? Also, I would be willing to look into the "granny cams" if needed to monitor her whereabouts in home (mixed feelings on this as she has the medical alert button that senses falls or she can push if she falls and needs immediate medical assistance. Thanks for listening. Feels good to vent to people that UNDERSTAND what I am going through. On an added note mom cannot get out of home on own (steps she can't get down, not even with ramp as she needs walker). I feel guilty if not keeping mom active, taking her for daily walks, out to lunch/dinner, zoo, daily drives in car (she can't drive), but my life is being redefined and I am getting angry about the lack of family help.
Get the will changed. Disinherit them and use their share to pay for your mom's care.
Your sisters hate you, threaten you, and want to punish you? Show them what punishment is.
I do get it.
But maybe think of it this way..
Everyone has choices.
Mom doesn't want to leave her home. She can choose how she lives. To lean heavier & heavier on others: you, others, paid help.
Or make changes.
Your sisters can choose to say no to any helping. Some may view this as hard & uncaring. Some will view this as sensible & wise.
You have choices too. Currently it suits your moral compass to step in to help Mom in her home. That's OK too! Your line of if/when the situation gets too much, when it slides into 'propping up' differs from your sisters. That's ok too.
You are freely giving your time. Your choice.
I say this from BOTH sides.
My sister sees what I do as MY choice. Appears to have no interest/guilt to help or thank me.
I also see the many things my SIL does for her Mother but see that as her free choice. (I would have outsourced many tasks by now).
My final thoughts are that if your resentment is growing - please reconsider how much you do & give of yourself.
If there is no will (the deceased died 'intestate'), there is still a legal process before the estate can be dealt with, split up in the way provided by statute. In some places, that process might still be called probate, but it’s not the traditional meaning of the word.
Sometimes when what is left is very small (eg only one small bank account where it is obvious that the spouse is going to get it and there are no family claimants), the whole process is skipped on a discretionary basis, but that is never the case when there are assets like land or a lot of money.
I just noticed this statement. I would suggest calling their bluff by reminding them you are helping your mom out of the goodness of your heart (unless there is more to the story). If APS is called in, I believe the whole family would have to be accountable! APS may decide they are the ones neglecting their mom... careful not to say this out loud in anger.
Going forward, you may want to figure the cost of 24/7 caregiving and offer the choice of either working or paying. One of the choices could be deducting from their inheritance... and have a contract for how they wish to handle it. My sister's MIL kept a running list, attached to her will, of what her six children were borrowing (and not repaying) as well as what they were spending on her behalf. This list was to be tallied at her death before anyone received their inheritance. In fact, her executor counted the man hours for each family member when they prepared the home to be sold and deducted that from the profit before dividing. Of course those who did not help were quite upset when they got less. Your mom sounds like she may still be capable of adding an addendum to her will.
Even if hiring help takes funds out of the "inheritance" means you also would "lose" a bit, consider the value to having some freedom back. It would only cost you 1/3 of every dollar spent while their "inheritance" would be dwindled too. If you can communicate peacefully... consider suggesting that help is hired 24/7 using the "inheritance" and it may bring them to reality about the true cost of caregiving. You can still offer to do as much as you want, saving some of their expense and hopefully they would value you more.
Look at it this way, you are doing the work that could be divided three ways just to save your inheritance too. If you decide to move forward with any of the suggestions anyone here is giving, be sure you think long and hard before trying to communicate with your sisters. Even write down a plan to discuss, showing it has been thought out. For every action, there is will be a reaction... good or bad. It may be time for an arbitrator to monitor the conversation. This could be as simple as a pastor or as legal as an attorney. Hopefully, they will see your mother's well being is the most important issue. Include the fact that if the current situation continues (and it may be years), your health will suffer and they may lose you so you are also planning for the unknown for their benefit as well.
Hopefully your family can move forward in peace, especially for your mother's sake.