Can I get my mom committed or call APS for through the roof anxiety?

It's time to start ignoring her a little bit. Even when a person has dementia they have to be ignored for periods of time. I was a caregiver for a very long time. When one of my care clients got in a dementia loop and continually repeated themselves, I'd answer something a few times and then ignore the topic completely. That usually breaks a dementia loop.

The client would get a little bit upset and maybe work themselves up into a bit of a panic, but I'd pay no attention to that either. After a while they'd calm down.

Attention and reaction from others is fuel for OCD and the anxiety of it.
When you take the attention and reaction out of the equasion, the person who is working themselves up into hysterics stops and they settle down.

Block your mother's phone number for periods of time during the day. Let her work herself up into hysterics over total nonsense. Let her weep her eyes out and cry a river. You must ignore it. This behavior must be met with zero attention from you. It is the only way to help it.

Believe me, I dealt with elderly people and hysterics for 25 years. I've been dealing with my mother's panic and anxiety since I was a little kid.
When I learned to pay this behavior no attention whatsoever, it stops.

Your mother needs medication, that's a given. She also needs to learn that will not come running or pay her any attention at all when she is engaging in certain behaviors.
Those behaviors are the hysterics and the weeping and the panicking.
It will be tough at first, but you must ignore her.

Karsten, THANK YOU for taking the first step! And for standing up to the crazy.

Yes, getting her in the door with someone trained in behavioral medicine to talk will get her referred to psychiatry.

Good job, my friend!

Can you take advantage of some technology?
Say, for example, select call forwarding so you never have to answer?

Maybe to a second line, with a wonderfully long personal message just for her? Something reassuring but making no promises to call her back.

Or, never taking any of her calls unless a caregiver makes the call to you?

oh yea, and I took her to her primary doctor week ago for her general complaints Yelled at me for being so selfish for not getting there at the promised time (I did get there) even though I got her to dr. in plenty of time. She wanted to know what I was doing that is so important that I could not be there earlier. I said that is none of her business . Her concern is if I get her to dr. on time and if I dont, then she can complain if she feels the need even though even then, when you are dependent on others, you dont complain

Then at doctors I told the doctor her primary problem is through the roof anxiety (this is a new GP, she burned out the last one). My mom turns to me and says if she is anxious, it is because of my very ugly beard. Then she goes on to say I dont even like having a beard, but I have one to make her mad . (If I wanted to make her mad I could come up with other ways) This goes beyond anxiety, this is certifiably crazy.

So the doctor says she will refer a behavior health person to her. The so called behavioral health person calls to say they will set up an appt for talk therapy

I said talk therapy will not work. She needs meds He said that is longer to gt into but perhaps set up the talk therapy appt to get a foot in the door. He said the talk therapist maybe recognize her need for meds then refer her down the road.

I dont know

Went to a therapist/counselor I had seen over the years yesterday to discuss this.

His advice is not to report to APS, but to a county social worker saying my mom is not taking care of herself. Does not wear life alert, will not take meds (like anxiety) that can help her.

This contradicts AndSOltigoes good advice about not getting government involved, but I dont know where else to turn.

I suppose I can ignore her phone calls, I suppose I can even erase her weeping, begging, pleading voice message before I hear them.

Calling APS would be a terrible, terrible mistake. At minimum having gov at the door asserting its right to take control of her money and physical person, handing her existence over to some for-profit entity or other, would exacerbate her anxiety--and with good reason: now she'd be dealing with a genuine threat.

I sympathize with your sense that surely there must be some help available. APS is not that help.

(I'm sure APS intervenes in essential, humanitarian ways in some situations. I'm just observing that it's a very serious decision to call APS on another person, one with potentially disastrous consequences.)

The other responses in this thread look informed and substantive.

Take care, and I wish you the very best of luck with this tremendously difficult situation.

I meant to add:

Stop taking those daily calls, Karsten.

Call her once a week and send her an email or fax with what you've taken care of. When you speak, make the next week's list. If she starts obsessing, hang up.

If she gets out of control at the IL facility, instruct them to call 911 and have her taken to a teaching hospital with a good psychiatric program. That may be the key to getting her treatment.

I'm a firm believer in the judicious use of pharmaceuticals to help with the drama of life.

Your mom would benefit from a combination of antidepressants (for long term) and benzodiazepines (short term) for mood levelly.

My MIL will NOT take AD's as she states firmly she is NOT depressed. OK, fine. But she DOES take Ativan all day long and a whopping dose of Xanax at night to make her sleep. It has helped a great deal with her overarching anxiety.

It's kind of sad that this is what her life is--semi-stoned all the time, but it's the only way the family can care for her.

She's still very anxious, but it's controllable.

At 93, her mental comfort is very important. She takes no other meds, now she's in Hospice, and the benzos help her so she's not on the phone 10 times a day calling one of the kids b/c of something she's panicked about.

APS won't help you. They might come out for a well person check and they would just find an anxious old lady, freaking out. That isn't going to help anything.

Honestly, haven't you talked with her Dr about this?

Anxiety is 'catching', for sure. And it's really, really treatable.

Good Luck with this. Getting those panicky phone calls--ugh, the worst.

Karsten, I just want to add, your mother clearly has some level of control over her demanding-ness, since she doesn't act that way with others.

So there are two components here, anxiety (which she doesn't appear able to control) and nastiness and demanding behavior, which she DOES control, just not around you.

A good plan would be to try to separate the two in YOUR reaction to her.

"Gee, mom, I'm sorry you're so anxious about this.". Consider adding "That AD med the doctor recommended might really help with that."

"Mom, when you talk that way to me, I leave. You may not abuse me." (And you get up and leave. Right away).

Give this a try and see if it helps

another problem, at almost 93 she lives in an independent senior living facility where she should otherwise be able to find company and enjoyment, but I am sure her hyper anxious being drives people away

She is not mean and demanding to others like she is to me. But they also tire of her anxiety

So the irony is she is so needy for emotional support, but that neediness drives people away

You’re on exactly the right track. People here are suggesting blocking phone calls, and that you are somehow coddling your mom. Since my mom is exactly the same way, I know trying to put your foot down will not work with someone this elderly. They’ll just keep nagging and crying. Meds are of course the answer, there’s no other logical answer. My mom won’t take anything either, and she’s constantly calling my brother and me for crazy non-emergency stuff. “I’m worried sick” is always her state, for something as simple as getting an appointment for a contractor. It gets worse every month. She’s almost 100, but who knows, she could last for several more years, and this could go on and on. So I feel your pain! But yes, follow through on pushing for meds. Maybe eventually you’ll wear mom down and she’ll take them, and everyone can feel better.

Stop answering the phone. Block her even. This is a sort of mania.

After you have done that, take her to a geriatric psychiatrist. There are medications that may be able to help. Therapy as well.

If she is really frantic you can take her to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation but unless she seems to be a threat to herself or others they will release her.

About her phone calling and weeping and such, why not try, leaving a voicemail for her when she calls? something loving and reassuring, telling her you will call her at XYZ time and then do that every day. ? And also in the message ask her to leave a message about what help she needs at that moment and that you will address that when you call her. Maybe it’s worth a try and you’ll get some peace in between calls.

She needs mental health care now, You would not let her suffer from an infection, a heart attack or a stroke. Consider that her out of control anxiety and fear are making her - and others - suffer needlessly. Ask her doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. Take her to the ER if she is out of control and you fear she is a danger to herself or others.

Karsten: Perhaps there is some way to get your mother back to the much needed therapist again. Use trickery, e.g. 'mother, I am going to *this* appointment and afterwards we could get lunch.' (All the while, the appointment is her's.)

Karsten, you keep telling us what's wrong with your mom, and how she won't change.

Until you change your response to her, the situation won't change.

Stop listening to her. Stop explaining things to her.

Visit if you want to but leave when she starts looping.

You need to take control of this situation, not her.
Set your boundaries; first understand what they are.

If you do not set boundaries, ask yourself why or what is stopping you?

It sounds to me like you are possibly [feeling]:
1. Pressured
2. Guilty
3. Powerless
4. Do not know how to take care of yourself

That you say "I have assure her many times its all under control" tells me that you do not understand the 'reasons' why she is on automatic pilot and how to respond to her. You do not tell her MANY TIMES. You stop that. As you do not, you are continuing the cycle of emotional chaos and distress to both of you.

That you say you are 'like her anxiety pill' that is because you allow it.
Do not engage in this maze. If you stop, she has to. She knows you will engage with her so she keeps going.
- She may not have anyone else. Any other family members?
- She may be very frightened / lonely / confused or all three, and more.
- See if you can find a caregiver to keep her company 2-3 hours a week to ease the continual (pattern of) outreach to you.

First, understand or find out what her diagnosis is.
Is she on medication (for anxiety? something else?)
Does she need to be on (more) medication to calm down.
Do you understand the different kinds of dementia and how the different parts of the brain are affected? (Study with Teepa Snow, online webinars to learn how to communication with a person inflicted with dementia).

In order to change a situation like this, you need to understand why you are reacting as you are and 'taking the bait'.

I understand it is difficult under the best of circumstances.
Still, you need to set limits.
Unplug your phone.
Tell her ONCE "I've handled it and I am hanging up now." And then do it.

Until you change, she will not.
Take your personal power back.

If you need help in caring for her, get it.
If you need a therapist for yourself, get into therapy. Even short term.

You will go downhill emotionally, physically and phychologically, fast.
If you do not change how you interact with her. Under the best of situations like this, being responsible for a loved one, it is hard. I know. I can and do set limits and yet the neverending responsibilities are stressful challenges. We all have to find our own way - exercise, therapy, meditation, eating HEALTHY, finding time to renew, find / create fun personal time (outs).

Ultimately, we need to realize in our gut and soul that we can only do so much and the person we are dealing with will handle your response / boundaries as they do. You are not responsible for their disease or personality. You do the best you can and then let go (and as it might support you, Let God).

You need to take care of yourself - perhaps in ways you haven't before.
It is for your own survival and peace of mind and spirit.
Get the local support you need.

And thank you for asking us, too. There is a wealth of support and experience here. Do that is in your best interest. Realizing that you are doing what you can (when you set boundaries/limits) is a huge lesson. When you do this, you are learning to respect and love yourself, first and too. Without you caring for your own well being, you cannot be there for her. Gena / Touch Matters

Dear Karsten,
I hope things are more figured out now. Just want to say you're not alone, I'm dealing with my dad and an Aunt right now. I cracked up at your brother's response.
Everyone wrote good responses. Reminder that at some point, you are now at that point, your parent has to be moved to care facility. If they won't budge then call in social services.
You must protect your life and not go down because their health, in all ways, is failing.
Best of luck!

First to answer your question as odd as it is, you can’t have your mom committed to a mental hospital for anxiety or ocd. And why would you want to? Ordinarily the thing people do is to give emotional support to the person and also encourage them to meet with a therapist. What a way to refer to your mom, as “the crazy mom”,,..I feel bad for her. You didn’t mention asking her if she would be willing to see a therapist- rather than wanting to commit her. Many people struggle w mental health issues and sometimes it’s connected to trauma and or abuse. Not sure what purpose you may have for wanting her committed but family support, understanding, therapy and if needed medications is commonly known what helps a person w anxiety and or ocd

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can medicate her and you can block her during the hours you refuse to communicate. Please see if you can locate the old paperback called, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty."

You can dial 911 and declare a psychiatric emergency. Once in the hospital, the social worker should be able to help you find placement.

Get your mother to her physician or if you observe unsafe circumstances call 911 and have her transported to ER. There you can confer with medical and social services staff for options for her care. If you take her to PCP, get a " level of care needs" assessment for her and request a Geriatric Case Manager ( usually a licensed SW) be assigned to her ; this person can offer options for her care and further assessment of the overall needs and concerns so that both the patient and family needs are met. A starting point. Practice self care .

Karsten, here's the site I was talking about:

https://outofthefog.website/

Karsten, start with a mild tablet. Tell mom you and she will split one in order to get through whatever it is you are trying to get done with her. See if it helps you.

That’s how I managed with my elders when their anxiety ramped up.

My mom did not have dementia and she thought she was fine, not anxiety provoking etc. but she would trigger my anxiety as well as my sisters. She flat refused to take anything as a maintenance Med but would take something for “an event” that she knew would be stressful. I would say, do you want 1/2 or a whole tablet? The message was clear. To go forward, she needed something to calm her. If she wanted me to take her or be with her she had to calm down. She at one point would say a whole one. Small victory but it made life more manageable.

Also, please look into talk therapy for yourself. I’ve been going twice a week for awhile now and it has really helped me. My therapist takes Medicare and I have a great supplement so I go for basically free and talk my head off.

My family really notices a difference in me.

Just unpacking all the stress helps tremendously. I am also taking an AD and that has also helped.

I encourage you to get help for yourself regardless of what you do about your mom.

And by the way, a talk therapist would probably help your mom as well.

You aren’t helping her. You are encouraging her by coddling her. She needs to be on medicine. If she doesn’t take her medicine you can’t help her. This very well could be the beginning of dementia.

Karsten, you are allowed to tell your mom that she needs to find someone else to do her bill-paying if doing that is damaging to you.

Please thinking about quitting.

Karsten, my mom was depressed and anxious most of her life. She wouldn't take AD drugs and only the barest minimum of anti-anxiety meds

She had a stroke. Went to acute rehab. Psychiatrist at rehab said "the post-stroke protocol here is to prescribe anti-depressant meds. As Health Proxy, do you agree, as your mother is currently in no shape to make that decision?"

I said "yes, please."

The next time your mother temporarily incapacitated, make sure they give her the Seroquel. The life you save will be your own.

Do you strictly limit your time with her?

Do you leave when she starts in an OCD loop?

Have you taken a look at the "Out of the FOG" website?

thanks all. A while back her primary doctor prescribed some prozac but my mom reads all those warnings that come with every med and gets scared and doesnt take it

One time after she broke her pelvis and was inpatient rehab a psychiatric nurse examined her. She asked me if she had been on anything I said prozac. The nurse sort of snorted in derision and said prozac for my mom was like giving someone with a brain tumor a tylenol. While she as a nurse could not prescribe anything, she wrote down a couple to give to her doctor which I did

The doctor I think was a bit miffed having meds being suggested to her by a nurse but also said these were heavy duty drugs and should come from a psychiatrist, not a primary physician. Finally she said, Karsten do you think she will take them? Her OCD causes her to read every word of warnings and disclaimers and if she is afraid to take her blood pressure meds she will never take this and she was right

My brother said at least when I go to visit my mom, she should take a valium just to chill out. I said she wont do it. My brother said slip one in her coffee. I said that is illegal. He said murder is illegal too . He was here from out of town for a week and had a hard time lasting the week wi th her, he was going to go home early as she was driving him crazy and he doesnt know how I can do it without doing something. I assured him I would never be violent, and he said everyone has their limits with such a person

Is mom diagnosed with OCD and/or anxiety? If not, get her in with a doc ASAP and get that done and get her on a low dose of something to calm her the heck down. This asking you the same things over and over has got to stop. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it LOL.

"Take a chill pill Lady" would be my response 🙃

Is Mom living alone?

My friend's Mom was & got into this high anxiety state about her home. My friend saw this as communication, as not being independant about living alone anymore. (Wasn't only the anxiety, but depression, loneliness, mobility issues too). Said come on, let's go. Toured 3 ALs, choose one & she moved in.

OK she didn't jump for joy. Is still battling depression & mobility issues but IS less anxious. Can now be independant in that smaller space. Has joined groups & lost the burdens of cooking, cleaning & maintenance.

Like a smaller fish in a smaller pond - rather than feeling lost in the big wide ocean.

(This is why my profile pic is a fish. I can swim confidently if I feel safe & in the right size environment for me).