Can I limit who visits my mother while she is in a nursing home?

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Can I limit who visits my mother while she is in a nursing home?

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My mom is going into a nursing home and as her medical power of attorney, I want to know if there is a way I can limit the visitor access to immediate family.

I wish to keep my cousin from visiting my mom and sticking her nose in our business.

Is there a way I can do that? I would hope so.

Assisted Living Elder Law Medical POA Skilled Nursing Facility

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The question may not be "can you" but "should you". Unless this person is angling to influence her (like change her PoA / Will for no real legitimate reason) I would pick your battles wisely. If she's just a snoop, a gossip or arm-chair doctor second-guessing your mother's medical care, but your mother enjoys her visits...so be it. But, that's just me. Also, you may find the NH entry protocol is pretty porous. Can you provide more info about why you wish to block her?

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I inquired about the same thing: How to block one particular person from visiting my loved one in the nursing home.... My reason was that visitor gets my LO all riled up with the "You don't belong in a nursing home" and "I can't believe they dumped you here" and similar comments. Visitor has also been disrespectful to the staff but, of course, it's all because she "cares so much" and is the "only person who sees what's REALLY going on here" and other unhelpful/destructive comments. It takes DAYS for my LO to "recover" from this visitor - but it is someone who she wants to see.... In terms of banning a particular person, I was told it's generally not done unless it's a sex offender or a similar person who really should not be around vulnerable people. That said, I did have to tell nursing home that if visitor causes a scene they have our blessing to ask her to leave and/or call authorities if needed.

The more I thought about it, I don't see how I could really stop her from visiting the nursing home anyway. She uses multiple names and changes her appearance frequently. Add to that the staff turnover (particularly at the front entrance) and no one would really remember to be watching for her anyway and she could probably walk right in without anyone knowing she was not supposed to be there . Trying to ban one person may not really be enforceable, so you might want to give that some thought. The other thing I realized is that this visitor can aggravate just as much through a phone call - which would be even harder to put a stop to.

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If your mother enjoys your cousin's visits you would be wrong to prevent them.

Apart from annoyance, what's the issue with the nosy cousin? What harm results from her curiosity?

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Speak to the facility itself. They may need a more clear guardianship if your Mom is at all capable of making her own decisions about who is visiting and what she says to them/shares with them.

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Even if you get management to agree it can be difficult if not impossible to enforce, staff can't always know every face that comes into the building (especially the part time staff that may predominate evening and weekend shifts) and shouldn't be expected to act as bouncers.

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Hi All,

Well, I am going to try to get it enforced anyway.

The problem is my cousin is one of those people who cannot socially distance and behave herself. She thinks she has to hug, kiss, slurp, breathe on and practically talk nose-to-nose with people . She's part Italian... and even her own sister doesn't like how she invades people's personal space!!

Also, I am not sure about my cousin's vaccination status if she is fully boostered or not.

Secondly my 89 year old mom just got her COVID booster shot today, and she is still unvaxxed for the flu.

It will take about 3 - 4 weeks before she has some extra immunity from the COVID booster. She got the Johnson and Johnson shot way back in April 2021.

So with that said, I just want to keep my mom as safe as possible. I was pretty furious that my brother who lives several thousand miles away even tipped off my cousin about my mom being in the hospital.

BTW, my mom has advanced dementia and will be housed in the secure wing of the nursing home building.

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Oh, does being 'part Italian' make her so annoying and insistent on loving on others she's fond of?

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Maybe you can tell the cousin that facilities aren't allowing unvaxxed visitors, or that she'll have to wear a mask and distance if she visits, or that they are restricting visitors to immediate family members...
(BTW this is all true in my neck of the woods)

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I would think that a general mask policy and her being aware of types of contact would hopefully solve that problem.

I would pose this issue to you. Does your mother enjoy the company of this cousin? If she truly does you are denying your mother that contact. Nursing Homes can be terribly sad and lonely. I know because my mother is in one and she is aware enough to feel that way often.

I just had surgery and can't visit my mother for several weeks. My husband will go in my place. Fortunately she does like to see him but there are things he can't do. I will talk to her so she knows I am alright. Lately she has said each time how wonderful it is to see me. She has difficulty using her phone and depending if she is in bed or a wheelchair or lounge chair there is no way she can which leads to more isolation. I have tried to help with this when I can but there is so much time she is alone.

I am not overly fond of some relatives for various reasons but if I were to attempt to eliminate them (which I would never do and have worked to resolve issues) I would be hurting my mother.

Your issues may be very different which only you can determine. I hope you find the best solution.

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To not want your touchy-feely cousin to visit your mom b/c she can't seem to properly 'socially distance' or keep far enough away from your mother is kind of ridiculous, considering your mother is living in a senior nursing home with many other elders in a communal setting, don't you think? Germs & viruses are going to spread, no matter how much a visitor 'socially distances' themselves, and no matter how many arrows are on the floor telling people they can only walk in ONE direction. The germs & viruses aren't aware of those arrows, nor are they aware of the plastic shields and other 'barriers' put up to keep them out. #Truth

My mother is 95 and lives in a Memory Care AL with advanced dementia. I would honestly be THRILLED if my cousins had it in them to visit her, ever, no matter what their 'vaccination status' was, b/c my mother would be delighted to see them. And SHE is vaxxed, which is what counts in that department. To me, it's more important that our loved ones feel loved by their family members than it is to stay hyper focused on keeping them 'safe'.

Sorry if that's not the answer you're looking for (obviously), but it's how I feel after dealing with a mother in MC for nearly 3 years now and a whole lot of covid fatigue on everyone's part.

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When a person has severe dementia, they're not exactly going to be "hob-nobbing" with other residents in a "communal setting". My 89 year old mom enjoys sleeping a lot now.

She is not physically up to dining with other residents and chattering with them.

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I have personally found that elderly people need human touch and feel loved when people aren't afraid to be near them and touch them.

They don't get much loving touch in a nursing home, it's usually a caregiver doing something uncomfortable for the elder.

I think it's a power trip to decide you are going to stop someone that loves your mom from visiting because of personal quirks that you and her sister find annoying. Build a bridge and get over it. Be happy that she wants to visit mom.

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I wasn't sure I could limit visitation, that's why I asked. And I don't see anything wrong with restricting visitation to immediate family members. There's nothing wrong with wanting privacy.

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Hi All,

My mom has voiced on numerous occasions that she is annoyed by my cousin's touchy feely - literally in your face presence and boring chatter.

So I am going to do what I can to keep her out.

Plus I think she is rather pushy too and I don't want to deal with that either.

Also, Neither I or my brother were interfering or stuck our nose in the business of my cousin caring for her parents. When my cousin's parents were sick and dying, we weren't visiting with them at every opportunity. We kept our distance.

Likewise I don't want her interfering in the life of my mom or mine. When it comes to immediate family members being ill, I want privacy!

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You already knew what you were going to do, why did you come here to ask a question?

To bad you didn't go visit your aunt and uncle, they probably would have appreciated it.

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How about telling your cousin directly that your mom can have no visitors right now?

Don't count on the nursing home to monitor her visitors unless all visitors have to sign in and out electronically and be buzzed in.They may have a system that would veto some visitors. My mom's first nursing home told me they couldn't monitor who came and went (totally absurd), and a complete stranger (to me) visited her and blabbed her business all over town afterward. Needless to say, I was livid when the NH told me they couldn't monitor who comes and goes.

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I am sorry you had this experience. In this Covid era many NH's are understaffed at times. They may be bringing in outside help frequently. The one where my mother is in is always short staffed on Sundays. I am always amazed there are not more visitors that day when a particular resident could use some extra help.

While I could find much to complain about I think it is asking alot for staff to know or remember that a certain person is not a positive in influence at the facility. In that case barring them would be prudent. Otherwise I think the staff may feel it is nice for a resident to have a visitor. So many dont.

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If your Mom does not wish to see this cousin than there is your answer. Ask if she can be kept from visiting. If not you may need to tell this cousin that her Aunt has requested she not visit. Yes, people like this get their feelings get hurt easily. I was so glad my one Aunt had already passed when I started caring for Mom. She too stuck her nose where it wasn't wanted. She thought she knew better.

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Yes my cousin is one of those types who gets her feelings hurt. When my mom was living with me -- my cousin was getting super pushy about visiting even though my mom didn't feel up to it.

With my cousin it was pretty much all about her own feelings and wants... she has no regard for my feelings or even my mom's.

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buckeyechick, somewhere buried in all you say is the fact that your mother doesn't much like the cousin and doesn't want her visiting. That would seem, then, to be the answer. Inform the facility your mother has expressed a wish not to be contacted by this cousin. Notify the cousin that you are sorry your Mom doesn't wish her to visit at this time, and perhaps a nice card now and then will suffice.

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Mom wasn't even mentioned until she was called on her and other cousin not liking this particular cousin. So, I always go with the 1st response, because I think that is the honest answer and not a changed narrative to get people to help justify actions.

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Lot of answers here but there seems to be an assumption that your Mom doesn't want the cousin to visit. So, is it your Mom or you? If your Mom doesn't mind, and the cousin doesn't have motives other than being nosey, it doesn't seem like it would be much of an issue. Too many NH residents have so few visitors, sometimes they don't want them, sometimes they wish they had a few just to talk, visit. Based on just three lines of info, I don't know how anyone can advise for or against a cousin visiting. Got to know more about how your Mom feels about it and if the cousin is anything more than a nosey Rosie. Not to be critical but again, is it Mom or you that has an issue here.

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Mom has advanced dementia and mostly sleeps. She doesn't have the mental capacity to make this decision, it is all on the OP.

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As I currently have a brother in a nursing home, please consider my advice. Allow anyone who wishes to visit her do so. It is imperative for your mother's emotional stability to know she is thought of, and not isolated from others. I have found friends and relatives disappear, "too busy", regardless of my begging them to visit my brother when I'm not with him. Medical POA is just that, medical decisions. In reality, how much can a cousin "get in your business?"

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You'd be surprised. My Dad did NOT want people talking about him and posting his picture on facebook. I limited people who agitated him and caused drama. I was his primary caretaker and always consulted him and spent enough time with him to know who to limit. Remember, dementia patients can get agitated easily as their emotions are sometimes fragile.
The easy answer is how it affects her mom. If the cousin agitates Mom, then the common sense answer would be to limit visits and Mom has every right to do so. If it causes more drama to keep the cousin away and the parent wants to see the cousin, then allow. Not every visitor has the best interest of a person at heart.
Have you ever had anyone come to see someone only to ask for money or cause upset and drama? Would you want someone like that to visit your parent?
If this is the case, she can get a general power of attorney.

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She's "part-Italian"???? That says it all and sheds a light on how you make judgements of character. There are no words for your insulting, rude and self serving comments. Why are you even asking this question to us - ? You should be happy that people want to visit your Mom. It seems the only privacy you're concerned with is your own.

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You are so wrong. The easy answer is how it affects her mom. If the cousin agitates Mom, then the common sense answer would be to limit visits and Mom has every t right to do so. If it causes more drama to keep the cousin away and the parent wants to see the cousin, then allow. Not every visitor has the best interest of a person at heart.
Have you ever had anyone come to see someone only to ask for money or cause upset and drama? Would you want someone like that to visit your parent?

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This question should be posed to the admins of the facility; they're the ONLY ones who can control visitors, unless there are provisions to the contrary in the admitting document package, or if law enforcement intervenes.

Have you talked with this relative and explained why her presence isn't wanted? Notwithhstanding the friction, unless there's the potential of physical or other harm, I think that facing the situation head on and directly is more effective. If personal confrontation doesn't suit you (and I can certainly understand the delicacy involved in this kind of situation), do it by text, e-mail or letter.

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My niece visited my mom in nursing home a few times. She made a big deal out of every visit, posting on facebook, sending photos of her with Mom to all relatives, etc. The niece is a very pushy person, wanted all information on her grandmother's condition, and also wanted my mom's financial information and insisted while Mom was still alive that a stock mom had was to go to her when Mom died. She was annoying beyond belief, while I was trying to always just take care of my mom the best I could. I never tried to stop the visits. It was hard on me, but my mom seemed to enjoy the visits, even though she had no idea who this grand daughter of hers was. I think monitoring the visits as to how your mom does with the visits would be the best thing. Can you keep your cousin out for the time it takes for the booster shot to take affect and then be there to remind of social distancing if that is your biggest concern? I found that my mom really wanted hugs, foot massages, hair combed, any sort of touching, and long stories about animals or people. And music. I visited every day at least once a day. If you go often, I think a few visits from the cousin won't hurt as long as your mom is okay with it.

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this is difficult. My mom is controlled by my sister and my mom gets anxious and basically gives in to my sister because she knows my sis will grind until she gets her way. So, when I moved in with mom and mom said she didn’t want to see my sister, I told my sis and said that I would get mom counseling but that in the interim we would honor mom’s wishes not to see her. My sis agreed. In the counseling, it was uncovered that my mom had a life of oppressive people around her and my sister’s actions are traumatic to her. SO, when mom went to assisted living, we moved her 2 hours a way. That has worked well. I also got mom a MintMobile phone number and her phone is zip tied to her charger. She has a iPhone, so I was able to have it automatically answer after 10 seconds and it only will allow people in her contacts get through. I clean up her contacts so only people who give her joy can call. My sister gets updates from me about monthly in an email so she can see and refer back to it. She doesn’t always remember details. No one has the address for the facility or the name except me. Mom feels safe and that is the most important thing. Her dementia makes her anxious with too many variables or stimulus and I am fortunate that my sister is agreeable to staying out of the picture. She is doing it for mom and she wants to look good for others. My sister now says that she is doing this for mom and she is sad because she doesn’t have a mom anymore. In my mind, it is a win/win. Mom gets her peace of mind and my sister gets her recognition for doing this for mom. So the answer I have to give you is not give out the information re: your mom’s location. Prayer was what led us to this…. I sure didn’t come up with this on my own! My sister’s heart would not have allowed this without the Lord’s intervention. Btw, in the counseling, mom was asked to put down all of her dislikes towards my sister. So the sentence started with I don’t like it when: Based on what mom had said in the counselings, we were able to put together a pretty good letter of her concerns and dislikes. This was cathartic. Mom was unwilling to give it to my sis because she said it would not change a thing-but that it was helpful to get it out of her head. I did sign papers that stated only I and my husband could have access to her records. All mail comes to me. Since mom is in a room by herself, I put in Blink camera’s so I can see who is there and hear what is going on. The facility has a surveillance sign outside of mom’s door. I did not ask permission since mom lives alone. They put up the sign when they realized there was a blink. I have 3 cameras because she lives in a 3 room apartment. It has been a blessing. Mom thinks it is a speaker since I use the phone to call her. I also use Alexa to call her as well. I have seen mom trip and I know when she doesn't get up for her meals. A nursing home is going to be different but it is still helpful if your mom says she didn’t get something because you will know she did (and forgot). :)

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While MIL was in the Care Facility w/alzheimer's/dementia, her daughter passed away. We were told by staff not to tell her because she might just keep remembering that and it would upset her over and over. She was comfortable, "content", to be where she was. So we didn't tell her - she never asked to see her. There were other "family" members who would have told her so we had to monitor who came in. The staff said that they would prevent others from coming in. However, that didn't work because we found out that some had been there. The door was coded, but they would simply go in with other visitors. That may sound like we were trying to keep everyone out but we weren't. We were just trying to protect her and do the best we could for her. It was just us taking care of her. She didn't need to be upset. To me, if there is going to be someone who is "going to upset the apple cart" then they don't need to visit. I would do the same for my husband when he goes into the nursing home.

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Wow, I have never seen so many nasty and unhelpful remarks. Just because you all do not understand the OP's situation, you feel that it's helpful to be nasty and tell her she's wrong ??!! Seriously ?? !!

I have a sister-in-law who is very much the same thing as the OP describes. I totally get it.

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Me too!!!!! Easy answer: If the cousin agitates Mom, then limit visitation. If Mom wants to see cousin, and the drama of keeping her away causes more agitation than its worth, then limit visits, but allow.

Always judge by how it affects your loved one.

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You can put it in the records of the nursing home who you want to have visit her and you can say you don't want this person visit. It is as easy as that. They will tell the cousin I am sorry you aren't on the visitation list please contact you.

Prayers

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I totally get this. My cousins never visited, called, etc my dad but when he declined and didn’t have much time left they were continually contacting me to ask questions. I am n only child and had a lot on my hands but never did they ask if they could help, just wanted info.

good luck,

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Perhaps it's time to focus on YOU and your life? Perhaps, plan a vacation? Visit old friends or take a tour of a place that interests you. Getting away from life's doldrums can often bring us new insights on exploring what makes us happy. Getting control of our own business is usually an antidote for obsessing and trying to control other people.

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Uf she is private pay and get n a dementia and nit you can. If she is going in a medicaid place you can restrict visitation to public place with others present.

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<3 <3 I hope you don't dare allow yourself to be shamed by others for asking any question concerning your loved one's care. I am reading responses as this may be something in our future as well and not for control reasons other than assisting loved ones in having the best quality of life in their last years. Perhaps, those who are bashing this post haven't had to try to work with family members who have ulterior motives.

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Thank you! I was appalled at some of these responses. My answer is as simple as yours. Does it cause agitation in Mom when the cousin comes? Or would the drama of keeping the cousin away be more agitation?
We had a family member that always stirred people up to agitation anywhere she went, and yes, we limited it.

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This would be a question that you should ask the facility administration.
If you can restrict visitors and if it is in your mom's best interest to do so then that is what you should do.
Generally there should not be a problems as most facilities now visitors HAVE to sign in if someone is not on a visitor list they will tell the visitor that they are not on the visitor list.
If this gets "nasty" and your cousin insists then the way to "control" the visit would be that they can only visit with supervision by you or another member of the family . (when it is convenient for you to arrange the visit)

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I don't see the harm unless she is manipulating your Mother. You can ask her to wear a mask during visits and make sure she is washing her hands immediately upon entering.

My Mother would love to have more visitors and sadly she doesn't get many.

i can personally attest to the Covid issue. My Mom and MIL both got Covid, both were vaccinated. My MIL died and my Mom was asymptomatic.

my husband and his family never got to say goodbye because they couldn't visit her in the hospital.

Please mask and be vigilant around the elderly and vulnerable

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If you are your mum's medical power of attorney then the management will be aware of this when your mum goes into the home. This means your cousin can say anything she wants when she visits your mum but you will have the last say on anything & everything. I feel if you stop your cousin from seeing your mum this will make matters worse. I should have a chat with the management & let them know how you feel. You could ask them to see how they are on visits & if it cause your mum anxiety then they may be able to talk to your cousin & stop your cousin instead.

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Can I limit who visits my mother while she is in a nursing home?

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