Can I really get kicked out?

Dear Sprinkles,
I know the desperation of wanting everything to go back to "normal" (whatever that IS).
I also know what it's like to anger the alcoholic. You would do "anything" not to infuriate them or you will pay for it dearly. Had I not escaped out the door, I would have had an 1/8" hole in my head from a lead crystal ashtray thrown by my drunk father for "angering" him. I know you want to keep the peace.

So, I'm going to (angrily) go against Pepsee's post that everyone is being SELFISH. Bull poop! You are trying not to "awaken the monster" 'cause your neck will be in the noose. No one understands that unless you've lived through it.

I also don't like her futuristic predictions that your sister will end up with druggies and be gang raped and your brother will die in a car accident from being too drunk!
Yes, there is a greater chance that "we" (the children of alcoholics or drug addicts) will either pick up the habit or marry one who has a habit but coming from 2 alcoholic parents I AM LIVING PROOF IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAPPEN!!
My nasty father told me I'd probably wind up barefoot and pregnant! I became a nurse just to spite him. At my nursing graduation I was class valedictorian. He told me he'd buy me a present when I got my doctorate!
Never good enough.

You are one smart kid and so are your siblings (as you told us). You all can be anything you WANT to be.. It's NOT genetic, you're not doomed to repeat what your mother did.

I've always kept a watch on how much I drink (about 2 glasses of wine a week, FYI) so I don't repeat my family history. I don't have an "addictive personality" and I'm sure you don't either.

Here's what I'd like to see happen;
*Get mom out of your living situation.
*Go to AlAnon meetings. (They are in the same situation as you are.)
*Realize you may have to monitor yourself in stressful situations to not cope the "familiar" way shown by your mother.
*Finish a higher education, get an awesome job and be content with your great life.

God bless you from someone who has been there.

AND IM LIVING PROOF THAT IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAPPEN!!
Sue,
First of all, who are you yelling at?
Secondly, it doesn't matter if you agree with me or not. We're ALL a product of our experiences. And that's what we offer here, our personal experiences.

Because yours does not match mine, doesn't automatically make you right and me wrong.

I never futuristically predicted her sister and brother WERE going to be in those situations. I said, "how would you feel if "....

So if you're going to jump on the soap box ....bring notes.

I too grew up with an alcoholic, ( & paranoid schizophrenic) father. My childhood was HELL! And let me add,
*I am living proof that it DOES happen!*
All of what I said did happen to me.

It took 3 years to have my face reconstructed and forget about the price and pain to have those pearly white implants and gum grafts done. Yeah car crash. Didnt die, but came close. The other horror happened....more then once.

I'm not one who powders butts. I can only give what I've got, my truth. Your life and the choices you made are very inspiring. But it doesn't make you better then me. And yes, calling me out, openly, to shoot me down, looks ( to me) like you think only your opinion, on what should be said, matters.

I can't share your pearly white adulthood. Mine was ugly, but it's valid and valuable just the same.

From the ninth step promises of AA.....
**No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we'll see how our experience can benefit others**

Pepsee,
I welcome your response, as I now have a much better understanding of what you were infering.

To answer your question, I'm not yelling. I was capitalizing all the letters to emphasize to Sprinkles that your scenario doesn't have to be hers.

I just don't see where anyone (but the mother) is being SELFISH (your capitals). As we both know, it's a screwed up life in the house of an addict and everyone usually wants to keep the addict "happy" by not upsetting them. The emotion, as I see it, is more scared or anxious than selfish.

It's fine that we disagree. I can't imagine that either one of us would agree with everything that we read here.

Since all this really happened to you, IMHO, it would have been good to SAY it happened to you. It sounded (maybe just to me) that it was more of a scenario of what 'could happen' than what your real life experiences were. I think telling her that that's the torture you endured would have been more helpful.

I am truly sorry for you that these horrible things happened. I'm not being sarcastic. No one deserves to be treated that way. I'm sorry for me and my childhood too. Two alcoholic parents and a narcissistic mother wasn't easy to navigate being an only child.

I'm happy to hear that my life may be inspiring. That's what I was shooting for. That's what I wanted Sprinkles to know. That, even though things are crappy at home, you still have control over what you want to do with your life. I was trying to show her a positive side. I didn't see any hope in your message.

I certainly never said I was better than you. You are inferring that. I had a different experience than you. Maybe not quite as horrible but none the less rough for a kid. No one is any better or worse than anyone else. All of our experiences are valuable. I'm glad I made the choices I made....by the grace of God, certainly not my "smarts".

You posted your opinion publicly. I disagreed with your opinion publicly. Would you have preferred that I 'private message' you? I stated that I was angry about your post but I'm not out to "shoot you down". Why do you think I'd want to belittle you just because I disagreed with you? I don't think only my opinion matters but it is my opinion and I'm entitled to it, as you are to yours. Please don't be insulted and defensive that I disagree with you.

I disagreed with your assessment of everyone (except mom) being selfish. I also didn't like the analogy (or, what we've found out in your post above, were your real life experiences) being the only help you gave her. Usually, I've found, offering positive suggestions works better...just my experiences. I wanted her to be hopeful for a better life ahead.

I have not had a "pearly white" adulthood but you are on the defensive, so I can understand your comment. I've worked hard for what I have and haven't relied on anyone for anything. I spent years in therapy trying to sort out the cr*p from my childhood. Dealing with a son who is a heroin addict and a 95 year old mother with stage 6 Alzheimers also stains my pearly white adulthood.

I've never said that anyone's experiences AREN'T valid. You didn't SAY they were YOUR experiences.....I wish you would have. It would have meant more. This is what you offered her;
"Do you want your little sister to hook up with some monster, just to get out of the house? How would you feel then, when she comes to you after being gang raped? All because she chose a druggie boyfriend with out of control junkie friends, cause she didn't have enough self esteem to think she deserved better. Or your brother killed in a car crash at 18 because he was drinking and driving."

Would that have helped you in your childhood or young adult years? I felt she was traumatized enough and needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We just handled it differently.

Everyone on this board is an equal, regardless what experiences they've had.

Hello Sprinkles00,
I hope you are still reading along. None of this is really about anyone else but you. I'm so sorry if you felt overwhelmed and insulted by my comments. Truly.

Please understand that you've got both sides of the coin here. You, me and Sue, were dealt pretty much the same hand in our early lives. Sue didn't get the addictive personality, and was able to make healthier choices for herself.

I did get the addictive personality and went in the opposite direction.

You and your siblings can go either way. But luckily, you know the odds and can choose not to take chances with drugs and alcohol.

I feel very passionate about your situation because I was you, and I became your Mom. My kids lives were a horror show early on. I didn't understand why I couldn't stop.

The more I drank, the guiltier I felt. When I'd wake up each morning, or afternoon, the things I'd done and said would start to come back to me. I'd be so embarrassed and ashamed, the only thing I could do was drink again. I couldn't deal with it sober. What a cycle.

This was when I was supposed to be raising my boys. I never went to their school functions, met their teachers, nor attended their sporting events.

Before I was married, I went with a lot of seedy guys. I wasn't ugly so I did get attention from nice guys, successful men. However, I felt I'd never measure up to them, once they knew the real me. That feeling wasn't about drinking or drugs. It was that I felt like wasn't good enough for them. I was so emotionally damaged, I had no idea I had even the tiniest bit of worth.

At 19 I met a guy with no teeth, dead end job, from a dirt poor family, in my neighborhood. Yep, that was the guy for me...lol

However at 21, he wasn't done yet. He got his GED, went to college, then became a detective in the warrant squad of our counties sheriff's department. He was also an amazing dad.

He didn't get on me about my drinking. He never wanted me to leave him. He gave me everything to make me happy. He even bought me a gorgeous beauty salon. I was a hairdresser, but couldn't keep a job. Nor run this beauty salon, even though it was my dream.

The longer he enabled my drinking, the worse it got and the more our sons suffered. They too became damaged. As I had, due to our alcoholic upbringing. Even with one sober, responsible parent. Them, their father. Me, my Mom.

My husband should have took his kids and ran! This sh* t show of a life only got worse.

This is where I feel selfishness comes in. My husband's "motive", as to why he chosed to stay and keep the kids living in this madness, was he loved me and didn't want to divorce.
(I think he has an issue there)
So by putting his desires first, regardless of what it was doing to the kids, comes down to *selfishness*. Someone is doing something for their own benefit. Getting what THEY want in the end.

*Selflessness* would be doing something for the benefit of others, regardless of what it does to you, in the end.

See how parallel our stories are? I can not go back and change my kids lives, but I can, in the very least, try to save someone else's kids. I just may have gone about it wrong and with a heavy hand. 😔

It's like watching someone about to walk off a cliff, but they don't hear your screams.

Our lives got so much worse, then finally better. In 2003 I went to detox, rehab, then a recovery house. This totaled One year in treatment and out of my families lives. It was done in a different state.

 I continued therapy and AA since then. I've been clean and sober almost 15 yrs. Funny thing is, the drinking and drugs we're not the problem, they were my solution., Which didn't work then took over. Twisted right? Recovery is an inside job. The damage starts in us long before there's any signs of a problem. Some of us are programmed wrong starting out.

But there certainly is hope! Don't give up. I hope this help Sweetheart. 💖

SueC1957
Thank you, I should have explained this was my experience.

I'm so sorry you have the heroine problem with your son. OMG, how painful!

 I went through this with my middle son, but it was crack cocaine. The helpless feeling is heart wrenching. The only thing that saved him was spending 2 years in prison. 

It killed me because I called the detectives who were looking for him. He came home and crashed,
(crack kept him up for days)
I took the opportunity to turn him in. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
I pray you get your son back.

Thanks Pepsee, I hope and pray I do too. Maybe one day. Addictions rip your heart into little pieces. 💔

And thank you for sharing your personal life with us. It's hard to get it out there sometimes as we think that many won't understand and will judge us. 

I'm truly glad your son is clean. I've seen your posts where your sons come to your house and hang out. Gosh, that's great. THAT'S the life we dreamed of as kids.

I'm waiting for my dream to come true.

Peace ✌🏼️

im writing this really late and im very tired so there may be typos. i am 18. my mother moved out of my nanas house at 18. my mom was beaten growing up. she is severely damaged. her dad died fairly young. i never met him, he was a good man. tonight my mother threw burning hot food on me right after i cooked it. i lost it. i went to my dad and told him to kick her out. my mom told my dad that i threw the food and burned her. he believes her. i am currently at my nanas house which is two doors down from mine. tomorrow my best friend is picking me up. she lives in toronto which is 3 hours from me (she moved away in grade 6 and we have stayed bffs) i feel like the walls are closing in. i’m so frustrated. she told me she hates me and i need to just kill myself. im in high school and i have exams on monday and i need to study but i can’t with all this bull going on. im going to college to become a nurse also. but im staying back an extra year to work so i can actually go to college ($$$). i am so drained right now and i don’t know how much more i can take. this is a losing battle.

No dear Sprinkles
It is not a losing battle. It is a path, a journey. Something had to happen to enable you to leave. It has happened.
That’s all this is.
NOW you can start your life. Stop and think what is the best course of action.
If you go with your friend, What about your tests? Can you stay with your Nana until you finish your tests? Talk this over with your Nana and with your friend. Hold your ground. Do what’s best for you.

Sprinkles, so sorry for the latest events. I’m sure you’re spot on saying you’re exhausted from it all. Please get enough rest to make some really grown up decisions now. In a way the hardest one has been made for you, and hard as it was bravo to you for removing yourself from an impossible, toxic situation! Now try to find the best way to complete the school year, don’t throw away what you’ve worked for in school so far. And yes, then a job. My daughter is just about your age and works at a grocery store and goes to college both. She works hard at both and it’s not easy. It’s great you want to go into nursing, there’s a shortage of nurses, you’ll be in demand and can make a great salary. I know these next steps are going to be so difficult but the future is very bright because you’ve shown you have courage and strength beyond your years. Please keep letting us know how you are doing

Well done Sprinkles. I know it was a hard way for it to come to a head BUT -YOU made the move. Again - well done and hugs.

If your Nana is so close to your other house ARE YOU SAFE? Remember it is not your home now. Home is where you are.

Your dad is taking your mums side in this but, we all know, deep down he knows the truth, don't we?
Go and speak to someone at the school, explain the situation, see what they can do for you. You may be surprised.

NOW - buckle up. You are on the last stretch of a very bumpy ride.

You have been fantastic, sticking it out as long as you did but you have a little further to go.

Now is your time!! LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. You will want to and feel like just having a bit of a wallow (and you would be well withing bounds to do this) Just keep going forward now, one day at a time and one step at a time.
The next stage of your life has started.
Lift your head up, be proud of yourself (you earned the right)
First though, have a good sleep, then eat a little and have a nice cup of tea. Sit down with Nana and find out what your options are with her.
She sounds lovely.

Each day find one small thing to smile about. Doesnt have to be huge. eg. The smell of new cut grass when you go outside - a petal with a water drop on it - a bird singing etc.

And I send you hugs and loads of good luck.

Well said, Buzzy, Daughter and 97.

I can't add much more than to say you've taken the first step into a new world, a new life. I hope you understand that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you - grab it and run with it.

Oh, Sprinkles honey, I hope you're not hurt from getting scalded! You did the right thing in leaving. I can't imagine what you're going through.

You're away from that awful situation. What are your priorities right now: your exams. I hope you're safe with your nana, so take deep breathes, gently stretch your muscles, clear your mind, then study. Once your exams are over, that weight is gone and you can more clearly focus on your next priorities: where to live, a job, and your future, what or if you choose to place a call to child protective services to help your siblings.

{hug} to you. Please let us know how you're doing. Good luck come the exams!

((((((sprinkles)))) stay with the good people in your life. Your mother's battle is not yours to fight, nor your father's, nor your siblings for that matter. Due to my mother's and sister's mental illnesses, I was homeless for a short period of time going in to my honours year at university. That was after a summer of extreme stress. My father was the alcoholic, and was not able to deal with the mental illness in the family. I went to the good people - friends who really knew me and the sick situation I was in, the university chaplain, the dean of women... They gave me, and got me the support I needed, and somewhere to stay. Through the grace of God, I got through the year successfully - not perhaps quite as successful as I would have done had I not had that stress, but, nonetheless, by any standard, successfully. Mother pleaded for me to come back home and "we will sort this out". I didn't and continued with my education. I knew that "sorting out" would never happen, and it didn't, and it hasn't to this day. I am 80 and mother is 106.

As others have said -look after yourself. Do what is good for you. Any other way is very unhealthy for you. I am not going to pretend that it is easy, it isn't. There are ties that bind you to your nuclear family that work to pull you back into the sickness. Recognize them, honour that you have ties with your family, but resist being sucked back in.

Obviously you are a strong intelligent young woman. Kudos to you for having stepped away from the abuse. Prayers for blessings and success in your new life. Come back for support any time. You have a good life ahead of you.

Sprinkles, how are you doing? There’s a lot of concern for you here so please check back in if you can. Hugs.

im with my grandma during the day when im not driving within a 100 kilometre radius looking for a job, no luck so far. exams were fine, i did really well in healhcare and english , not so well in chemistry (never been good at it) i don’t talk to my mom much. im just focused on finding a job. canada doesnt have any jobs at all, i don’t know how im going to help my nana with expenses . but hey things could be worse.

Congrats on doing well on exams, that’s a big accomplishment you should be proud of! So glad to hear you’re still staying with your grandmother, be sure to be a big help to her around the house as I’m sure you’re doing. Tell everyone you meet that you’re job hunting, somewhere there may be a connection that will help. It’s great to read that you’re doing well

Thank you for your update, Sprinkles! I'm so relieved you're doing alright and your exams went well. Daughterof1930 had a great idea of telling everyone you're job hunting. Best wishes to you!

Whoot whoot Sprinkles
You got through your exams. YIPPPPPEEEEEE!!

Celebrate a little, you deserve it. All your other stuff going on and you STILL did it. You are stronger than you think.

What about tutoring? Leave your name at the schools, colleges. And the subjects you might be able to help with.

Child minding (baby sitting), cafe - restaurant work, cleaning. Remember these jobs are just to help you get through the next phase of your life. Take away delivery's sometimes have food left at the end of the day. I was friends with the people in our local fish and chip shop. I used to wait outside, in all weathers, until they closed for their 'left-overs'. Sometimes it was cooked chicken carcasses. Pick them clean and make pies for the freezer. Vegetable shop, ask for there wilted stuff for your animals. It is surprising what can still be used for humans. lol That will help with the food a little. It is not easy but not insurmountable. I did it. You can too. You are strong.

No job is too small or too bad, as long as you do each one to the very best of your ability.

UBER GRAZ on your exams. (Big smiley face) and hugs

Good job sprinkles! We are proud of you for getting thru the exams but most for taking the big step to get out of the toxic environment. You rock. 👍

Hi Sprinkles...first congratulations on your exams!! Wahoo!!

I have read through the posts and am so glad you are safe. Dealing with the situation you were in was next to an impossibility. My Mom was addicted to pain medication (ie: Robaxin etc) after she lost part of her right leg and we were not aware of it until she had passed away and we found the bottles of the medication she had stashed. She was not violent but could get very verbally abusive. We made our peace before she passed away and said our good byes the night before she passed away.  

I lost a very dear friend (who was more like a sister to me) to suicide due to addiction. She had tried to get clean but with the insurance, they would not keep her long enough for her to kick her habit. I watched her go from a fun loving wonderful person to a shell of her former self.

You have made the right move...you have to protect, care for and love yourself or you will not be able to help anyone. And where you were at was not safe for you. I have a feeling from experience (my ex) that the physical and verbal violence toward you would have only escalated. Did you have burns from where she threw the hot food on you? If so did you get it treated.

I am like Caroli1, I don't know about employment services in Canada, but check on line to see if there are employment offices in your area (some offer permanent or temp work which would help you get your foot in the door. Do you know what field you eventually want to go into? If you do find something online and they want you to pay to work, go to the next one. The internet is a great resource, but you have to be careful of scams. Are you considering going to a Jr. College or 4 year? Sometimes there are resources there.

Hang in there and please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.