I live in another state and my dad lives in California. My adopted sister wants to have my dad placed in a nursing home although he drives takes care of his home at the age of 80 and he’s has early dementia. The problem is she doesn’t want me staying in the house to basically care for him. I have flown twice in one month to be with him and he’s coherent drives himself to the doctor’s appointment when ever he has one. She tells me he needs a professional with him therefore she’s trying to force him and he’s adamant about not going. He says he can do for himself and the home is very clean. I think she really don’t won’t me there with him as I told her I’m going to stay with him. But she says she’s not letting anyone stay in the home but it’s not her house but it his. Can you give me some advise.
You need to reconsider and learn more about the option your sister is providing.
Are you planning to pull up stakes and move in with him? Not a good idea if you have a spouse/kids. It seems like your sister lives near her dad and is seeing the handwriting on the wall that the brunt of caregiving is going to be on her and she doesn’t want to do it.
And he must not be driving anymore. Someone needs to take the car keys or disable his car.
Also referring to your sister as adoptive suggests there is animosity at play. I’d suggest putting these feelings aside and work with your sister to figure out what is best for your father.
Thank you for saying this. I was taken aback by this too. We adopted our oldest daughter. Then we had a biological daughter.
Never in her life has our biological daughter ever said, ‘adopted sister’ to other people or to us. She says ‘sister.’ Nor have we ever said ‘adopted’ daughter. We say ‘daughter.’ Our oldest daughter never says, ‘adoptive’ parents or ‘adoptive’ sister. My oldest daughter says, ‘Mom, Dad or Sister.’
You are exactly right! They are both equally our daughters. They are equally sisters. They love each other. We love each of them identically.
When families only have biological children they certainly don’t introduce them by saying, ‘Hello, these are our biological children.’ Nor do adoptive parents say, ‘Hello, these are our adopted kids.’ Doesn’t make any sense to me. Unless it is a specific reason like a doctor appointment and we were talking about a disease in our family history.
Problem is when it stops working.
Some of the results I have personal experience with, all whom dx with MCI (mild cognitive impairment: early stage of brain changes, earlier than a dementia diagnosis).
- scraps, scratches, dints to car & street poles, other cars. $
- driving into closed garage door $$
- driving into garage, not braking & hitting end wall at speed (survived but fractured neck)
- single car collision on freeway (died)
Please think about the driving issue seriously.
You are what is called a seagull. Come in, sh*t on everything and then leave.
Your father’s brain is broken. You cannot care for him by yourself. He is unable to make decisions because of his broken brain.
I suggest you read up on dementia as you seem to have no clue about it.
He even found his voice when the LPN kept him by her medicine cart; she offered him water, he wanted more in a bigger cup, NOW. 🙂
It's not up to your sister to decide if you can be at your father's house and become his caregiver. How is it that your father and the rest of the family are allowing her to make that decision?
Does she have his POA? If she does then it would be a good idea for you to rake him to a lawyer while he is still lucid and have that changed over to you. That would be in everyone's best interests if you're planning on moving in with your father and taking care of him at some point.
If your Sister holds POA then Dad put her in control to a point. That does not mean she can ban you from the house. If you want to move in and Dad is still competent to know what that means and says OK, she really has no say. POA is a tool. It gives her certain responsibilities. She would have the ability to place him. IMO, if Dad can afford it, an AL would be my choice if he is in early decline. Anyone, even early on, who had Dementia should not be alone. Its very unpredictable. My nephew came home to find that Mom had left a pot on the stove and burnt it up. Your Dad could decline overnight. My Uncle drove to another State he gambled in frequently. Got lost, forgot how to get home.
Your sister sees your Dad every day. I go with having Office of Aging evaluate Dad. If their findings show there is cognitive decline, then a Neurologist is next. He may only need an aide. But, he is not ready for Long-term care and probably will not be excepted if Medicaid is needed.
If Sis has no POA, may be the time to get it while Dad seems to know what is going on. With no POA it will be hard to place Dad. With no POA, she has no control over you or Dad. But I think its time for a sit down because Dad will not get better. Yo
The pain I felt over her loss (she had blue eyes and blond curly hair), absolutely EQUALS the loss I felt for each of the miscarriages.
A loving caring well thought out adoption, as well as that subsequent loss, is the same as losing an unborn child. Age doesn’t matter. Love does.
Who is POA for him?
If it is your sister and she obtains medical documentation that he is not cognizant then she can place him in a Memory Care facility
If you are his POA then it is you who will determine when he should go to Memory Care, Or you can have caregivers stay with dad so he can remain at home.
BUT if no one has POA and your sister does not think he is safe, and if she can get documentation from his doctor that he should not be living alone at home she can petition to become his Guardian if that is granted she can place him. You would get notification of any court hearing that would determine this and you would have the chance to petition to be his Guardian.
The fact that your sister is adopted has no bearing one way or the other. Legally she is his daughter as much as you are his daughter.
You might want to consult with an Elder Care Attorney.
See All Answers