How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Wow can you believe we are up to 311 posts...wonder what was the longest one here at this website? Wonder if they would shut it down?

Well I know one of you ladies mentioned in a previous post about hiding in the closet...I remember doing that myself, or under my desk when I was a kid....trying to block them (the evil parents...LOL WINK).....it was a comforting thing to do....I sometimes wish I can fit into my closet now..but too stuffed with dresses...LOL! So I sit on my stairwell, it's kinda narrow and dark....kinda the same effect...and the mid landing has a window to my side yard which is my pride and joy...the flowers, the greenery, the garden gnomes and all the other rabbits and frogs statuary brings comfort to my heart.

Gotta love that Nature for soothing the heart and soul!

you girls are a hoot.

well sisters if we can't ROFL they might find us in the closet crying right?? WRONG I'll ROLF till I can't get up so there and some body can than pick up ME ME ME!!!

Hi Piratess, you sure can get fired up about things...lol...I think they call that spunk. We're all in the nutshell together. ROFL

Something funny my mom's pyschotherapist just told me on the phone re: NPD.

"I am tired of talking about me"
"Lets have you talk about me"

....took me a few minutes and I then laughed...I said yep that wraps it up in a nutshell.

Secret Sis, So sorry that no one is giving your 'momster' the proper meds yet...what a shame that you have to go through this. I can't believe no one is helping, but I saw that myself..seems the more you tried to find help the more they shrink back from you. Just keep up the documentation, you're doing an amazing job with that!!!! Kudo's big time for that!!! I hope that one day, she will be diagnosed with the proper meds. That will help immensely, you will see!!!!!! I saw the change with my own momster, as soon as meds took hold...big difference..more manageable, as long as she takes them...I can tell when she's skipped...the rage appears!

Wow. Stuff. I talk to my pastor all the time. He says they will all see it someday. I don't want to wait :( but what choice do I have?

So, I will hang in there, and laugh at your ROFL ("Help, I've fallen and I can't get up") posts.

Hello Ladies...(wondering if excare still pokes his head in on this convo?)... Gvrgrl and Neon...don't let anyone knock you down! Geez I know my lame cousin and his g/f tried to knock me down...and I let them have it. They wanted to put a blind eye to what my mom was. Even sent APS to sniff around...nice for family to do isn't it. I have another thing coming for them, if they try to interfere in the wrong way. They will get a full mouthfull from me and it won't be christian like. Gvrgrl...don't let outsiders say nothing about you...You know you and that's all the matters isn't it...youre the one in your own skin that has to live life to the end...they aren't inside you and did not have to live through one(or both) of these type of human monsters. No one will understand our suffering unless they have been in our shoes..PERIOD.
Neon for those SO CALLED CHRISTIANS that are knocking you down for seeing a counselor...boy they are the biggest hyprocrites aren't they!!!!..I have no room for them in my life at all...Gee I would say to them...gee don't you call Jesus ....counselor? Hmmm I kinda remember that from the hymns in a Christian Four-Square church I used to go to a long time ago. Tell them to stick that in their friggin pipe and smoke it! HA HA HA...idiots. Those type of Christians are FAKE as can be...all with big mouths about others and if you did into their real selves all miserable liars themselves and busybodies to boot. So I say to them STICK IT! Sorry but folks like that are not Christian in my book!


Taken from a Hymn Lyrics website:

Day by Day


Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

I talk to my mothers doctor to she doesn't like it but she has no choice, he is beginning to see things and instead of seeing her every 3 months he has suggested every 6 because she knows more than him to and he said he couldn't trear her if she wasn't going to follow his directions so he like I leave her to her own devices she will be her own doing in.

nothing to forgive secretsister, we all whine sometimes I get on my own nerves . You see no one is concerned about the past not even our mothers because in their mind they have never did anything wrong, they are martyrs ROFL In reality they are self centered, self serving lazy people and everything that has gone wrong in their life is blamed on someone else dad me , never my mothers other two children who could care less I am getting devious in my old age and by the time I get done with them they won't ike me either. one won't retun a call one doesn't wANT TO HERE IT I GOT MYSELF IN THIS MESS BECAUSE THEY ARE SMART ENOUGHT TO IGNORE HER. wELL i'D RATHER BE ME THAN EITHER ONE OF THEM. You can't get anything accomplished by ignoring the situation i take the bull by the horns and my sister has the nerve to tel me I should take he bull by the horns ROFL. I have to stop that it's getting harder to get off the floor. I don't know what to tell you. In my case I at least have verification that my mother is narccicistic it is documented so if I need to draw on that at a later time I will. money in the bank so to speak. Sell the antiques who is oing to stop you if your sister is like mine she won't mind a little shut up money. do what works best for you because now you are at the helm all your mother is going to do is try to put a guilt trip on you and you don't have to accept that hopefully you all can sell the house and pay for her to be somewhere money still talks this whole world is greedy. We are just afraid to make our mothers mad because of their wrath but she isn't in control as an adult you can do what is right for her and get the mess cleaned up now so when it is time to bury her there will not be any loose ends and you will finally have peace on earth. I know I sound so callous but I am just being practical, your mother isn't taking any of the antiques to a nursing home, or anywhere else. just think about it and talk to someone you trust maybe your pastor. I am not saying to do anything wrong, put her money in a trust so a NH AL whatever is paid and she has some spend money. That is as good as it's going to get for her.

Dear Neon, I cry when I read your posts. I can't believe the incredible pain you've been through, and how you could now care for your mother. It has got to be by God's grace. Without that, we would all perish. What an inspiration you are. You, too, Mitzi, and gvergrl. Guess we all have something in common. I don't like reading the name, "Mentally Ill Parent," but that's exactly what it is, isn't it? So glad we have found a place to share our struggles and sorrows. Will keep you all in prayer.

I was faxed the notes from mom's Geri Assessment Clinic visit. It wasn't the help I was hoping for. I am so discouraged with this system. Don't know what to do next. Debating whether to call the Health Department, Community Mental Health, or the Probate Court. I just wish I could get someone to listen to my perspective, in its entirety, and offer some assistance. So far, mom is escaping true detection, because they just can't see what's going on from the past, or behind the scenes. And they hear her complaints against me, but don't seem to understand the whole picture.

Saw mom today, to get a prescription and her grocery list. She wasn't all combative and angry. She did show a little distress at me saying I wanted to talk to her doctor tomorrow. She doesn't like me there (because I know the real deal). That is what is driving her anger, and feeding her complaints against me. Just wish someone could see and understand and support me in this, and not just want to coddle and condone her. What a mess!

We all know that there's no one out there who knows our parent, or would take the time to care for them like we do. Mine doesn't qualify for a nursing home, or assisted living, or Home Care, except for out of pocket. I can't pay it because she's still got a house for sale downstate. Perhaps a reverse mortgage? Or what? She has a house full on antiques that she wants "kept in the family," and expects my sister and me to maintain a "museum" for her. Guess who's shoulders this all falls on? The one mom is fighting the most. And she has a huge home full of accumulated mess and piles that would take forever to clean up. Forgive my mournful whining.

thank you so much for listening and understanding my problem is I forgive too quickly regardless of whether I get an apology or not I am a peacemaker have been since a child that you gvergrl so much for your prayers and thought

Mitzi I am a christian also I have told my christian family I am seeing a psycologist all think it is a good thing except one but than again he didn't beleive in going to doctors either guess what both he and his wife now see doctors for varius reasons, I beleive in preventative actions I would have seen a psyc sooner if I had actually knew what Narciccistic meant a soon as I found out I made an appointment My psych is using the material I gave him with another patient. I also believe in staying informed this helps me cope But as i said before it is very hard to unlearn feelings you've had all your life but I'm giving it the ole college try and knowing me I will succeed. As we all will. The difference between God and my mother is God knows my mother, my mother thinks she's God so she thinks she will never die, I just went home for lunch to pick up a few things and there she is laying in bed reading her trash and watching soap operas plotting her new attack sorry but thats just how I think of it. i maintain as much calm in my life as possible especially when everything I do is wrong i go to church too much I do too much (for other people) you see that takes away from her so I stay away from My home as much as possible when she gets to the point where she cannot do things for herself she will go to a nursinghome whether she likes it or not and I will not blink a eye. as some one said earlier how do you mourn something you never had? You can't and I won't feel guilty about it either because I've knocked at that door for at least 58 years. again than you both have a great day neon

Neon, I hear ya. I go to a Christian counselor that I would not trade for the world. He reminds me constantly of the grace of God to do, but because we are human we have to quit thinking we are to do everything perfectly.

I get a lot of grief from Christians for seeing a counselor, but a God-given one cannot be traded for anything. If I hadn't had him back in my life after 10 years, I'm telling you it would have been breakdown #2 in my life.

I hear you being mentally and physically exhausted. I have no energy to do things my husband and I used to do. I've gotten and obtained an "I don't care" attitude and that scares me a bit. I have to stay humble to God or I can lose it very quickly.

Stay humble and calm everyone. We'll get through it!

Neon,
I would have never have laid eyes on my mother again. The line they cross is when they take what we have in our own little families. You are a living, breathing, walking example of forgiveness. I am not that way. You all think I am kind and tender, but...I fail to forget... and I watch my back, and those backs of the ones I love. 'Never again...'
I will be thinking of you next Monday. I won't write then. so I will send you a tender hug now. (Hug)( hug.)

I am dong somethings for me my pshycologist says I must do something good for me every day but not so creative when it comes to me. i am helping my son get supplies to start his own business and that gives me grat pleasure. my dead sons birthday is monday and i do get a little down when that day gets closer and I try not to so this year i am sending myself flowers, My mother tired bringing that into the mix the other day, see she took him away from me when he was 18 months old out of spite because I wanted to get my own apt. and she wouldn't get that money everyweek so she sorted thru all my belongings and kept what she wanted and put three boxes of my stuff on the porch and locked the door at that time I wasn't allowed to have a key to the house. tono avail could I get in . I got a lawyer and finally after 18 more months of not seeing my child which devastated me had no where to go so finally got my own place we went to court the lies that were told, but the state did a background check on all of us and i got my child back. 1 week before his birthday and the funny thing was during recess the radio played mother and child reunion. Anyway to get to the point she said to me " haha I remeber when we lived in dundalk everybody thought Stephen was your brothers little sister, at that point my body immediately tensed up and I could feel the skin curl away from my face, I took a deep breathe and turned around and smiled sweetley and said Yes, I did have beautiful children didn't I end of conversation it just hurts that she hasn't a clue what she has done to me over the years and as soon as she doesn't get her wAY it's I don't know why you act this way you always say you want me to be happy but you don't I think the next time she says that i am going to say don't you have me confused with you? It still won't matter to me as we know its all about her but it makes me feel better to at least feel like I am defending myself although I shouldn't have to.

Dear Neon, bless your heart. I can really relate to being caught off guard. It's a trick staying afloat in the wake of their whirling dervishes. Can't imagine doing it without God's help! I understand feeling tired mentally. Have been resting better lately, except for the mental thoughts, which I'm trying to control. Wish my hubby were home and not working, like before, to ease my burdens. But God will be my strength. Yours, too. Take care! Hope you are doing something nice for you.

I am seeing a psychologist and even now she still catches me off guard I hate living my life on guard ALL the time. But like you all said with the Grace of God... without it I would never make it I've been beaten down for so long and I am soooo tired mentally and physically God bless us everyone!

I don't think I've experienced anything so hard in my entire life! And it seems to be getting harder every day. Makes one wonder what God is preparing us for... I absolutely must rely on his grace to see me through this dark valley. Thank God for prayer, and for a place to vent and find support from friends like you.

I ditto both of you but it is still very hard isn't it?

Dear gvergrl, you have a sweet spirit, and a will to win. I admire that in you! And it's so wonderful to hear that you have not carried on your mom's patterns (alcoholism, child abuse, financial irresponsibility, etc.) My heart goes out to you, because I can relate to much of what you're saying. I pray the Lord bless you in all you do, and guide you. Thanks for being on these threads. And thanks for your response.

God has led me here, as well. The learning curve is great, and growing. Can't believe the battle we're experiencing with my mom right now. We need prayer. Just sent a personal email to an "understanding comrad," who is familiar with this disorder. And I'm counseling with my godly Pastor regarding many issues having to do with my mom and dad. It all helps, but we do desperately need prayer. Thank you.

Hope all is well with all of you. Take care.

Sis,
THEY think I am a misery that erupted from a bad union, and THAT I can not change. I have no voice or reason to THEM.
Also. God gave us brains, and will, and strenght to survive, and with THAT we pull ourselves through the difficult times. We can not rely on our parents...ever. and they do not want to rely on us, but if not us then what? they die on a urine soaked mattress alone? No. We have to be there for them in spite of the misery, because WE did develop empathy and compassion. If we have these traits even though we were reared in a BAD situation, then doesn't it follow that the situation does not cause npd? I am not an alcoholic. I don't hit my kid. I don't spend money with out ever looking at the balance first. We are dealing with people who have an organic brain glitch. That was the lesson God led me here to learn. God led me here to find help and compassion, and now It is time that I put these lessons to work. God is not going to just bop me on the head and say 'you are all better.' He is giving me the tools to help myself. Now, it is my responsibility to do that.

Yes, Mitzi, thanks for reminding us of God's provisions, (mentally, physically, and financially) to care for our parents. I agree with you about being thankful for the documentation verifying incapacitation, and for that which allows me to proceed and handle their business well. I am also grateful for the grace and strength to do what must be done, despite difficulties. Thank God we are not our NPD parent! We can and should count our blessings for that, and God's grace to overcome anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. We are more than conquerors.

Piratess, I have to agree. I also agree that God gives us the grace to do the things most people could not do, which in this case with an NPD parent is to care for them with boundaries.

No caregiving job is easy. I know I just thank God daily for the provisions to take care of my parents in AL. I thank God for the documentation that allows me to proceed and handle their business with success. I thank God for the strength to turn away from the behavior without issue at this point.

Hang in there gals! Remember we are NOT our NPD parent. We are above that and can choose to overcome!!

gvergrl, where did you get the idea you are "just the misery that erupted from a bad union"? Sounds like the programming of some bad parenting, or poor self-image.

We were created in the image of God, and he made you for a very special purpose. I wish you could that forest! As for pulling ourselves up, we can only do what God "allows," and only with his help, or with the help of his children. Without God, we fail. Period. It is only by God's grace we breathe, get up and go about our day, and only by his grace are wevable to have health, intellect, blessings, etc. As soon as we think we can go it alone, or that we don't need him, he lets us see how helpless, hopeless, and powerless we are. But with him, we can move mountains. He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Guess I'm talking to me, here, encouraging myself in my faith. Sometimes I can't see the forest, either. But God will lead us if we let him. He made the forest, and is the way, the truth, and the life. I will go to him for my help!

Folks, these parents of our are never going to change...never, they will stay the way they are or even get worse until their death. That's the facts. The NPD's have been around for some time and from what I have seen in countless other blogs is that they are that way until the end. So don't go beating yourself up for them. Do the best you can and then move on. If you must grieve then grieve each must do what they must feel in their own hearts. I don't think I will be grieving too much due to it will be a relief for me. I tell people who have fantastic parents to be thankfull they have well meaning and loving parents. It's tough to live through the fact that they live only for themselves. Yes it is their choice, it may be by circumstances in their own childhoods to become the way they are, but that did not mean that they got to take out their anger on us, but yet they did. So the best is to do the best you can and move on. Do not listen to their complaining, unless it is a realistic request of some sort, but otherwise, say 'Yes' and then move on. This is the NPD feed that they need in order to continue with their alter selves in their own minds. They need to dictate in order to make themselves feel in power or in fact still 'here on earth' so to speak, to let people know they are still here and trying to be 'in charge'. It's a vicious game, and you just got to be the one up who knows the game better.

See you ALL have the advantage now, we have discussed what this disease is about many times and how it works. Now it's up to you to use that knowledge and better your own psyche and move forward. These people have kept us down long enough, as first children and then young adults and into adulthood. Now this is the time to end their abuse. You take control of the situation now. My mother wanted me to go to the bank first this weekend bring her back the ATM card and the money and then go the store. I said no way. I am not making two trips for what. Her assine response to me always for things like this is "You might lose it". I said "Yeah right, your'e the one who can't remember where you put things anymore". She is still trying to treat me like a 5 year old like I can't handle anything even though I am an adult. Well I said, it does'nt go your way anymore. Either you give me the card or it won't happen. So she gave me the card. And get this, later when I gave her the monies, she tried to say it was 20 dollars less. And that the time before that it was 20 dollars less. I said the machine at the ATM does not make mistakes like that, more likely you can't count anymore. And that was the end of that. Not taking her crapola anymore and not internalizing any of her accusations. Last week she has the audacity of calling me at midnight. Left several nasty messages before I finally heard the phone. She accused me of taking her checkbook and her key. Well it turned out she was looking not for the front door key, but a patio key. Who knows where she puts stuff, I have given up on trying to make ryhym and reason over there. She fights on so many issues. Well I am only addressing situations that need to be addressed. Now she hot on getting a hand railing put on the front door, and doing that with some contractor she found in some city ad's booklet. Well it is her house and it is her money, so letting her have at it. It will just have to be removed later, when I inherit, due I am sure it will be hideous! ;-)

So it's a matter of Power and Control they want to have over another individual and we the children are the ones they have manipulated with fear and with the idea that they 'OWN' us, is the reason they pick on us the most and distrust us the most.

Wow. A lot has happened in a week.
I have spent the morning reading threads and posts.
And I have a few questions.
In one thread, some people feel that this personality disorder is a weakness of will, and that It should be able to be controlled. I am sure their anger feeds their anger, but if something did not develop correctly in their brains, can we expect any behavior different than they give? and also, could we, as one thread mentioned, cause their behavior to be worse - feeding their anger by getting angry about it? What works for me is total disinterest. Nothing bounces back, the momentum dies.
BUT, if that works, then doesn't it kind of sound like 'yes, Virginia, they CAN control their actions?' and if these people can fake it for doctors and strangers, why be so stinking mean to us?

I too have my husband explain things to people. He is considered 'Normal" and I am just the misery that erupted from a bad union. People will listen to my parents and get a very wrong opinion, but will hear my husband in a different arena. I am outta da loop. Or just loopy.

The care giver is now saying things like,"you were so right!" ''I couldn't believe all the stuff you said at first, but man he's awful to his family!" "He knows how to fake it in the doctor's office." "Your mother just has to have total control doesn't she?"
I have mixed emotions about this ressesion/depression some of us are experiencing. It sure is making my life a misery, but would I have a caregiver for my parents if she didn't need the job?

I am able to learn so much from reading your posts. I too wonder if I will feel something uncomfortable when my parents die.
I have freinds who said all they felt was freedom and relief. What a sad eulogy. But we can not mourn their lack of tenderness and compassion. We can not mourn the love they could not give us. They will not change on their death bed. All we can do is keep them clean, fed, safe. Do not expect back anything and you will not be disapointed. If we do these things that we do in hopes that one day they will see the light, then we are deluding ourselves. And that is our fault, and not theirs. It is difficult to see the forest for the trees. Take some giant steps back, look upon them as clients, not parents. It has always felt like a job to be their kid anyway. (without pay or benefits)

I listened to the speech to the school children that the president made today. No matter what political side you are on, it was a speech that could have been written for anyone of us here.
We have to dig down deep inside of us and pull ourselves up. Mom and dad aren't going to do it for us. and in many cases, they don't want us up. We must not fail ourselves.

Yes it is easier said than done.

Well my mother is complaining about having this counselor (Christian) that is coming to her at the AL. That was a miracle in itself. Well now my mother won't talk to him and its been 7-8 months since he's been going almost every week. My mom insists finding out who's paying for it and who ordered it.

I simply tell her, the hospital (where she was in geriatric psych) ordered her outpatient counseling. She has one of three choices: 1) go back to geriatric psych at the hospital; 2) go out to appointments outside of her AL apartment; or 3) take the in-patient counseling, but she's getting the doctor's orders. Then she complains how long does it have to go on. I simply tell her its really up to her. She keeps it up, it goes longer.

Besides, little does she know its dad's money paying for her "care" as he has always done. Anything associated with me, she shuts down immediately. The staff will say she's doing fine, etc as soon as I show up, she starts.

You asked a question on you wonder how we'll feel when our mom's are gone? Many will offer opinions, but until people have experienced a severely dysfunctional mother, I don't think they can give a fair answer. What I can tell you is...

my counselor said he had a father who was abusive growing up. Very angry man. He said that when he died, he did not feel remorse over his loss. He said it was actually very difficult to accept people's sympathies for the loss, because he had none.

Suffice it to say, we did not live or make the choices for the way their lives turned out. Each of our dysfunctional mothers (or fathers) have to be accountable for themselves in the end. All we are responsible is for us. Isn't that enough anyway? Do your best and don't worry about it (easier said then done).

You're right, Mitzi. God does come first. I thought about mom's anger today. If she chooses to be angry, that's her choice. It's on her, not me. I choose to count my blessings, instead. Life is short, and it's not worth fighting with anyone.

Just went to a funeral today. Our friend was only 57. He was a bright spot, and the place was packed, with those who loved him. I never heard him complain, and we all felt a little better for knowing him. He loved God, loved people, and was will be remembered fondly.

I wonder how we'll feel when our mothers pass?

My mom was not doing well downstate, living alone, 200 miles away from her closest family. She has all sorts of ailments and Cancer. So we moved her up by us, into a cute place by the lake, in a very nice community. She has less to care for, and a little group of friends surrounding her, as opposed to isolated in a lonely subdivision. We take care of all her needs, and many of her wants. She complains constantly about every little thing.

My hubby reminded me of the saying, "Some people aren't happy unless they have something to complain about." She's been this way all her life, and is getting progressively worse. I am the target, and it is not pleasant. But I am hiring people to care for her more and more every day. No sense in my being her victim, so let her whine and cry to someone else. If she chooses to be mean and ugly and argumentative, it will cost her my care, and she will be financially drained as a result. She doesn't understand it, but that is relieving me of constancy of her tirades. Her Physician has referred her (at my request) to the Health Department to set up and administrate her medications. At least, that's the phone message I received on my answering machine. We'll see about that as soon as I can call them. She also has a follow-up with her primary care physician this week, which should proved to be interesting, as well.