How can I care for my elderly mother if my husband doesn't want her in our home?

Your husband sounds very selfish, honestly 2 days please!!! I could understand thinking it over if u had her all the time, but why should your brother and nephew take on extra just to suit a selfish man that cant be bothered, he should be supporting you!! Not making a childish fuss!! Id tell him to grow the f#@$ up and realise this!! Its not fair on the others if you dont have her for the 2 days, but then people reap what they sow, if he cant have your mother then he has no right to care if he gets sick himself karma in action

It will do your mother good not to be wholly dependent on you. Encourage her to use other resources - cleaning, shopping, taxi services, for example - and to widen her social network. I think you should do that anyway, for your and your mother's sakes - it's not healthy for her world to revolve around you.

I'm not going to comment on your husband's attitude partly 'cos I don't know him and partly because I might forget my manners. Just don't get browbeaten into anything you aren't completely comfortable with, please.

I have been married for about 4 years. I have been a caretaker for my mom about 8 years, since she had a stroke. So my husband knew about my mom before we married.  She is 68, cant drive, lives in an apartment, and doesnt need much care. I typically do her meds  once a week and take her  to the store once or twice a week.  I have to take off work occasionally to take her to the doctor.  We are very close and I need her in my life, there is no other family to help me. Now my husband decided he doesn't want me helping her out as much and would like her to be in assisted living. He would like the freedom to apply to jobs away from the area, maybe remote places. But she is capable of taking care of herself for the most part and isnt ready for assisted living.  I feel stuck in the middle,  like I will have to choose between them.  Am I being selfish for wanting to continue to be a caregiver? Should I make her be more independent and not spend as much time with her?

I'm puzzled as to why the grandson doesn't care for Gma but has say and can veto the outside help the grow ups need.

Now that you are in charge of his finances, Dad shouldn't have money available to gamble! Be sure you have Power of Attorney and Medical Power of Attorney.

It sounds like both of these ladies have husbands with control issues and could use a bit of therapy on their own. I am all about open conversation, why don't you suggest talking to your minister or doctor.

I know having a parent living in your home is difficult on many different levels. Some husbands are still little boys and there is jealously and resentment when the wife is taking of someone else. The attention meant for husband, as far as the husband sees it, is focused elsewhere and it just doesn't sit well.

Sadly, if it is causing too much stress in the home; then you do have to make another decision for the care of the parent. If you and your husband had a great relationship before this new responsibility, then there is only one decision. If this caregiving has brought previous issues and concerns back into the picture then the decision can be very difficult and will probably require professional help.

Best of luck to you both!

It's pretty simple, if you want to stay married, you should respect your husband's opinion. If you don't care to stay married to him, then do whatever you want.

I know that can sound hard, but it really is that simple.

I have somewhat of the same problem. My husband doesn't want my dad staying with us as he thinks he is " Using us and taking advantage " of this situation. My dad has some rather large bills he racked up over the years from just not taking care of them properly and as a result, they bar him from getting an apartment anywhere! So, He stays with us. Now I love my dad, He took care of me when he and my mom divorced and she didn't want me, and sacrificed alot in order to take care of me. Now, he is old, cant do as much as he used to, has 2 different types of cancer and he slowly becoming forgetful. My older sister always says to me " It's not right for him to treat dad that way! " but then when I mention you not he stay with her for a while just to ease the situation of bit she says " No! I can't handle dad and all his little 1940's way of doing things! YOU take care of him. " So I do. Now my dad has a gambling problem and that's what pisses my husband off. in the past, my dad has blows his entire SSI and VA Pension on Gambling and that's what make my husband resent my dad so much. But what hurts is he says that he has no connection to my dad so why should he care? he seems to care about where my dad's money is going. My husband charges my dad $250 for staying with us due to just having to buy extra everything or special items for my dad, because that money just goes right back to my dad in the form of certain items he needs. My dad does help with chores because he said it's good for him and it is, his Dr told us to keep him moving around and not to shirk of taking care of himself. My dad also just put me in charge of his finances and bank account so he can keep up on his bills. He is also starting to feel like he should prepare everyone for his death, which stresses me out a bit as I am in charge of all of that and also it scares my 11 year old when he hears his grandpa talking about that, and it just stresses me out when he says " I can go to the homeless shelter and live there " What my dad doesn't realize is that our state checks income for use of those services to prevent beds being lost to those who need them and he also thinks he can get a place in a different town, as if hims unpaid debt will magically not follow him. My Nephew whats to help care for him, but my nephew is 21 and is a partying college kid -I told him NO. It's just hard doing this and it makes me sad when my husband glares at my dad at dinner and also confusing when he talks in a good way about my dad and says he can stay as long as he wants. It's hard doing this but someone has to , my mom died 5 years ago and it's hard, very very hard.

Thanks Holy Cow for your advice. It was very good. I know I need to talk about it and that is why I'm doing this. At least it helps me get it off my chest. I have her here tonight and dinnertime was very difficult since my husband will not sit at the table with her and she will not sit with him. She waits till he goes to bed to come out of the living room and ask me for her dinner. I'm in the middle of this mess and it is very hard to deal with. I think they are both stubborn. It also means that I have to make dinner twice. I just feel like no one cares about making me work more than I have to, and as you know from my previous posts, I work, and work all the time.

hepi22: I feel sorry for you; you are basically in a no win situation. Your overall situation bothers me at this point as it seems that you live a life trying to just "lay low and stay out of everyone's way." This is a horrible life to live but it seems that you have lived this way with your mother and your husband as well. I honestly cannot imagine that you are not depressed at least periodically. The treatment you received from your husband is verbally and mentally abusive, this may have been the same treatment you received from your mother during your childhood as well...I do not know, but I do feel sorry for you.

hepi, you have to ask yourself if you can really handle taking care of your Mom and do you really WANT TO? If your answer is "No I do not really want to and this has become a burden for me," then you need to tell your brother and nephew that you will not longer be able to care for her. Be honest with them, that due to your husband's illness and strong unforgiving attitude you just can no longer care for your Mom, even though you wish you could. Just make sure that you will be able to live with your choices, because once you tell this grandson, he may try to cut you out of her life entirely. If you could perhaps you could go over and care for her during the day at his home so he could still leave and run errands but you would be in his home. If you cannot do it this way and have to just back out completely then do what you must. Grandson may have to hire an in home health care worker to care for your Mom at home on the days he wants off. My worry would be, if he might abuse your Mom, because they become very difficult to handle.

Your mother basically wrote her own fate and you cannot be held responsible for what SHE has chosen. I do not know your family dynamic but I do not understand anyone who leaves everything in their life to one grandson, passing up her own children and additional grandchildren. She refused to assign you or your brother her power of attorney so she sealed her fate.... The ONLY thing you can do is file for guardianship if you still feel compunction to protect your mother and provide for her and make sure she is not being robbed by the grandson. This act does take a bit of work, an attorney is needed and doctors will need to sign letters for you. This is the only way you or your brother will ever have a say in your Mom's care from now on.

Your brother does not have POA for your mother, is what it sounds like you are saying. If this is the case and his name is on nothing for healthcare then you and your brother should have a say so in what goes on, at least as much if not more than the grandson. The grandson has his name on her bank accounts so as far as the bank is concerned he owns 1/2 of the assets. In the eyes of Medicaid, your Mom owns it all and if he is spending any of her money on himself, he is going to be in a world of hurt when he tries to seek care for her.

I do not know if getting a social worker or Adult Protective Services involved would do anything to help or not. It is like you need someone to walk in and tell grandson, to haul out his records and prove that he is not squandering her funds.

Telling someone not to feel guilty is really a stupid thing to say because we all feel some amount of guilt no matter what we do, but your Mom had many chances to make things right and yet she chose to leave her life in the hands of her grandson and by pass you and your brother entirely. Therefore if you find that you must walk away, try to do so without guilt, these were your mother's wishes and now she must live with them.

Please seek psychiatric therapy for yourself. I see someone every single week and it really makes a difference to talk things out with someone not involved and it and helps you obtain a clearer prospective of the entire situation, including your husband.

Good Luck and God Bless!

It explains your mother's preference. This round robin team of caregiving is working in your mother's favor so far. Eventually your mother is going to need stability in a one place caregiving situation. Then what?

Hepi, I agree, it is her money - and while she lives it should be spent on her care. If her grandson is POA and acting in that capacity, he has a legal duty to ensure that her money is spent only for her benefit. I am beginning not to like the sound of this at all.

I am glad that your children behave lovingly to their grandmother without regard to the content of her will. That is as it should be. I also respect your reluctance to burden them with more involvement than is fair; but do give them a chance to say what they think is fair, too.

Quite apart from your mother's care, and the worries associated with it, you need more support. Since your brother, your nephew, your mother, your husband and your children all seem to revolve around you, they need to be got together for head-banging purposes before they lose the centre of their world. Don't you think your children might be able, and would want, to help with that?

The reason for her favoring him is that he did not have a mom and she raised him. Therefore, he is like her youngest son. My children have mentioned it a few times, but we have all assumed it and that's the way it is. There is no changing her mind. We wouldn't really try anyways. It is her money and her will. I will never do that myself, I will be fair and divide it equally. I may ask my children to pay whoever takes care of me when I'm older, whether it is one of my children or a caretaker, but that is it.

Why is your mother favoring this specific grandson? Why you and your brother remain loyal to your mother, even when her loyalties are only for the grandson is perplexing. Your mother is getting all this care from different people, but only chooses one to reap all the benefits. If you and your brother decided not to care for your mother, what would the Golden Grandson do? How do your own children feel about this favortism to the one grandchild? What do you want for yourself?

Hi Equinox. It sounds like your husband is being helpful and you should be thankful for that. Mine will never be helpful. As a matter of fact he has already told me so. I wish it could be that simple.
As for Holycow, your suggestions were the best ones, but I have tried talking to my husband and it just doesn't work. He has never had that much respect for me either. I just have taken it for 39 years, and I am a very positive person (just like my dad), so I try to make the best of everything. My children are great and I am so thankful for that. I just don't think it's fair to involve them in the care of grandma, since she is leaving everything to her other grandson only. One of them who lives closeby, and his wife, do take care of her for a few hours once in a while and they are very loving to her. They just have their own life and children and I don't think they should do what I have done all my life (which is think only of the others and not of myself).
A few months before my mom had the stroke which left her with the dementia, I asked her to go to an attorney and sign a Power of Attorney that would let my brother and I have a say in her care, etc. She did not want to do that and said, no because she wanted everything to go to her grandson and period. I did not want to insist. Now, of course, yes, her grandson is on all of her accounts and on the deed of the house, so I have no say in her money at all. My brother says he will have to pay out of pocket if she ever need the care. I just can't imagine not being able to talk to your own son about these important matters, but that is how things are. Of course I can't talk, because I can't talk to my husband about important matters either. Both my husband and nephew have very strong personalities and do not give an inch, so why try?
I take care of all the important matters in my household (health, financial, care, etc.). I have always done so. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my husband is a dialysis patient and needs care to. This makes things much harder for me because I have to choose between making both him and my mom have a better life. Having her at home also makes him unhappy and it is his home. I understand everyone's point of view, but I am in the middle of it all and I just don't know what to do. I have had many trials in my life and have had to deal with them, sometimes not wanting to go on with my life. I am not brave enough to end it myself, but I am really not scared to die, to me it is just part of life. Don't worry about that, I will not do anything drastic. I love my children too much to put them through that.
Thanks for all your suggestions. You may not think so, but they help me temendously. You have all become my friends through this website. Thank you.

Money - and probably possession or ownership of the house - IS in the equation here.

First, though, your husband is being a passive aggressive child, putting you through unnecessary agony to get you to do what he wants you to do. You don't specify his age or disability, perhaps it has something to do with that (AND btw, isn't there some kind of at home work your husband could do to bring in a few extra dollars? I can't remember the exact amount but I believe disabled people are allowed to earn a certain amount without losing all their benefits). But he should LOVE YOU enough not to continue bashing you about this as you try to work it out. AND you should LOVE HIM enough to put some effort into doing that. I can see his side of this too because you are (a) working yourself to death, and (b) FOLLOWING ORDERS FROM S TYRANNICAL NEPHEW!

Why aren't you and your brother, the nephew's father, presenting a united front with the "young man" (or HOW OLD IS HE?). Which is to say, why doesn't your brother see the writing on the wall, have your back (not to mention his mother's), and the two of you stand together and refused to take mom out of her home. You can offer to give him respite in her home, without the trauma and drama of moving her.

Give him, say, a month's notice, effective blah blah day, that you will no longer be transporting mom do either of your houses. I believe you can already make a pretty good case that nephew is not properly caring for mom, and that he may in fact be inappropriately living off of funds that he shouldn't be using. Go together with your brother and have a sit down pow wow with nephew, at the same time informing him of the fiduciary responsibility he has with your moms money and that if he does not agree to cooperating, you and your brother will be filing in court for guardianship. If the two of you don't do anything before, the time you're going to find out about ill spent money is when your mom has to be put in an institution that's paid for by Medicaid and they do the five-year look back. When they disallowed payment for the nursing home, and all of moms money is gone, are you and your brother going to come up with the monthly payment?

I don't think you can. It sounds like you're working way over time just to make ends meet right now. Talk to your brother first. It would be 1000's of times easier to do this together. Otherwise, and here's the hard part, you may have to back out of the caregiving arrangement and just go to court.

As the dementia progresses, rotating homes will be imparctical. She will
need more routine and things such as safety rails. Awesome that you can rotate the companionship duties, if she were in a home you guys can take turns visiting and being companions, rather than frayed caregivers, and each go home at night to your spouse. Of course, assets should go to paying for this, meaning grandson will see his inheritance diminish.

A NH or ALF is sometimes a necessity and really is not that bad if the family visits often. The sad part of a facility some residents are dropped of and seldom visited by their families. You can visit mom and take her out to dinner or ice cream or for a walk in the park. You may actually enjoy your time together more.....kind of like being the fun Sunday dad as opposed to the do-your-homework mom.

You mentioned your husband and mom have not gotten along in a while and that she had made some mistakes. It would be wonderful if he could forgive and not put you in such a difficult position, but he is not inclined to do so. Without knowing he cause or death of the rift I wil not judge. I personally do not believe age, frailty or illness buy you automatic forgiveness. Actions have consequences, if she had a bad relationship with her SIL, you cannot blame him for not wanting to take on the huge responsibility of caring for her.

The grandson was given all of her inheritance but he sounds like a lazy bum who basically has been supported by grandma correct? Does he live in grandma's house? Do all of you basically share in the care of grandma to be able to keep her home and any monies that she may have in a banking account? Who holds Power of Attorney for your Mom? Is it the grandson?

Whoever holds the POA (hopefully NOT grandson) needs to step up and start making some decisions to care for your mother on an ongoing basis. If nothing else either you or your brother need to file for guardianship if necessary. With dementia your mother will very soon not be able to handle changing homes every couple of days, they need stability and they need for everything to basically be the same routine every day, it is very upsetting to them.

Your husband is demanding and resentful of his past treatment by your mother and you are afraid to cross him on this point. If you weren't you would be standing up to him telling him........
"Look I understand that you and Mom have been at odds for years and for that I am sorry. This however is MY MOTHER who is old and now mentally ill and she needs my help. This entire situation is extremely stressful and quite honestly I do not need you making it any worse than it is. If this was YOUR mother I am sure you would want me to respect her and her illness, I therefore need you to show Me and MY Mother the same respect, my mother is ill and maybe some of the problems you two had in the past was this illness coming on, but I need to show my mother all the love and respect that I can show her through this illness, after all she did give birth to me. I would therefore appreciate you giving me a break, knock off the disrespectful remarks and attitude, I understand where you are coming from but I need you to understand that you are not just hurting her, you are hurting me as well, so please be the bigger person in all of this and if you cannot say something nice, please just keep it to yourself. When my mother dies, I do not want to spend the rest of my life agonizing or thinking about how my mother was mistreated in her last days, this is going to make my life miserable."

You have to take the inheritance totally out of the equation, what if your Mom was flat broke, how would you and your brother care for her? If your Mom cannot be taken care of by splitting time between the 3 of you then why not put her into assisted living where she will get to know the home and people and be in the same environment, day in and day out, then you can all go see her and spend time with her.

Your nephew may not wind up with any inheritance to speak of, her money may have to be used to pay for assisted living or a nursing home. All of her money that she currently has is suppose to be used on HER and HER healthcare, NOT ON HER GRANDSON!! Who is in charge of her money???? If she becomes ill enough she will need to go into a nursing home and they are expensive, most people anymore wind up having to go on Medicaid to help pay the expense of it. Medicaid does a 5 year look back on every cent that was spent of hers and if it was not going towards HER CARE it becomes a penalty of sorts and they will not pay for her care for a period of time to make up for squandered funds. If she owns a home it too may wind up having to be sold or it may be taken by Medicaid after her death to repay them. These are all things you MUST think about NOW!!!

Bottom line is your husband may have a right to feel the way he does or he just may be acting like a jerk and putting more pressure on you and making a difficult situation into an impossible one. You sound like you are afraid of him so you are going to have to make a call on what you do, personally if it was my husband I would tell him what I wrote above....basically backoff!

The grandson may have the inheritance but you can always gain guardianship of her which trumps POA. Make sure HER needs are met and that grandson is not throwing away her money and then there be a huge problem when your Mom needs medical help and you find there is no money or home left.

I am very sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Caring for a person with dementia/Alzheimer's gets more difficult as their condition becomes worse, it is the most difficult thing I have ever done and it can ruin a marriage and disrupt your household.

God Bless You!

Hepi22, I know how you feel about how your husband not getting along with your MOm. It stressed me also when I have been feeling that way as well. I would always do all that I could for my mom and that's they way it is. When she comes to your home, hubby should treat her as her guest. Being respectful. Helping you with your mom is showing respect for you as well. My husband doesn't think highly of my mom either. However, he has been helpful with lifting wheelchair into the car, groceries, driving to appointments on a real snowy day to make it easier to help mom out of the car, changing a lightbulb, picking up meds at the pharmacy. RESPECT helps everybody get along. And everybody must put in an honest effort.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Equinox

Please try to solve one problem at a time. Your husband isn't cooperating or even being reasonable. How does he figure that any inheritance would be his, anyway? If you would be happier in an apartment, do it. The stress will kill you.

Your first responsibility is to your husband, not your mother. Even if he seems to be mean or unfair about the situation, he is still your primary responsibility. If caring for your mom extra days is too much for the nephew, then perhaps professions in home care or an assisted living facility should be considered. Good luck. (I don't think my husband could tolerate being around my AD mom for long periods of time either).

Trying "TO" understand your situation.

I keep reading and re- reading your post to make sure I have it right!

You are a very busy women my heart goes out to you.

What would happen if you just took your Mom one day a week? Maybe Sunday and got out for a drive and lunch! Or send your husband out for the day? I'm really trying not understand your difficult situation.

Apartment is the better option i think. Also you should a elder sitter for your mom.

One of my jobs is outside the home. That is the reason I can only take care of her 2 days a week. The two days are Sunday, and one of the days that I work from home. I have three jobs that I do from home. therefore, I can take care of her and do my jobs at the same time. I make her three meals per day and if she wants a snack in between I can do that too.
To answer the other questions, the nephew does not want anyone in their home to help him out. Just like he said we could not hire someone to take care of her at my brother's. It's a very difficult situation when someone doesn't want to cooperate. Well, I am trying to do the best I can with what I have. I need my 4 jobs because my husband is disabled, so he doesn't work.
I think someone mentioned something about the money not being important, and of course it is not, but if I was going to get some money in the end, I may be able to quit the job outside my home and take care of her more days. I just can't pay my bills if I don't work and no one is going to help me. As it is, I am always buying her clothes and of course she eats here 2 days a week and it all comes out of my paycheck. No help from anyone. I am fine with not getting anything in the end, I have assumed that already. I just can't help her anymore than what I do, since I have to work.
I'm sorry, I made this a little too long again, but it helps me to write this down and then read it. It's somewhat therapeutic. Thanks for reading and for all the suggestions and comments. I really appreciate it all.

How can you take care of your elderly mother if you work 18 hours a day? Do you work these jobs on the days she is with you? Who really takes care of her, then?

Has anyone asked mom what she wants to do if one of the 3 caregivers can no longer take their turn or when her conditions worsen? Does mom like this shuffle of living conditions?

Maybe better option is to get nephew some in home help (you and brother contribute) and you and brother arrange visits or your caregiving duties so that nephew gets his break.

Ah. Just caught hepi22's schedule back there.

Hepi22, what would happen to your husband, your mother, your children and grandchildren and your employers and co-workers if… anything happened to you?

Among that group, somewhere, some heads need knocking together. Who do you confide in? Because someone has got to call a family conference and get the focus on you before you break down. This can't go on. xxx

"Oh, I forgot to mention. I work four jobs, have four children and 3 grandchildren. I am working at least 18 hours a day. I sleep very little, sometimes 4 or 5 hours."

Wow, @hepi22. That's a lot to take on and the situation with your mother and husband definitely makes it worse. I have no suggestions to give that most of the other people haven't said already. I just want to say that I admire how you're able to keep up with all of these and that you are in my prayers.


Gianna

Oh, I forgot to mention. I work four jobs, have four children and 3 grandchildren. I am working at least 18 hours a day. I sleep very little, sometimes 4 or 5 hours.

I want to thank everyone for the suggestions. They are all very helpful and made me feel a little better. To answer some of the questions, my mother was never mean, but she was controlling. She controlled us by making us feel guilty. I forgive everyone else that has ever done anything to me, so I have to forgive her, she is my mother. Even though she has dementia, I sometimes wonder if she is still controlling us by making us feel guilty. I will never know, so I have to do whatever makes me feel that I am doing the right thing or else I will never be able to live with myself. I just wish everyone one would get along and make it easier on each other. My husband and my nephew are very much alike, with very strong personalities, so everyone does what they say (or makes them believe that) to avoid confrontation with them.
Again, I want to thank everyone. The replies were all a little different, but all of them were helpful. They make me look at things with a different perspective.
Thank you.