Follow
Share

I have been caring for my father for two years now. He had a stroke and had on set dementia. There has been a crisis most weeks such as water infections, falls, forgetting how to pay for items in the local shop, not eating, episodes of wanting to be in residential care and then changing his mind, turning up at the GP thinking he has an appointment. This has led to me leaving work at short notice and I have now lost my second job which I rely on to pay the mortgage. I have broken my foot which has happened out of nowhere. A stress fracture, Gp investigating vitamin nutrient deficiencies as I have been self-neglecting myself to care for him (skipping meals and going without sleep). I have tried to put extra care in place, and he has cancelled this. I was at breaking point before I broke my foot and could tell I was not well so arranged respite which he agreed to but when we got there, he refused to stay. I am on crutches and cannot weight bear so no longer able to care for him. I am single with no partner or support for me. My Sister who I have a poor relationship with has had to step in and cannot cope - she is very resentful that I am not well and sending messages daily about how stressed she is, but this is what I have been dealing with for so long on my own. He still refuses extra care or residential care.

Find Care & Housing
OLD POST
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to anonymous144448
Report

I’m so sorry.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to anonymous144448
Report

Your Way too young to be becoming so prone to your health failing. That is usually really common among caretakers , but usually among much older caretakers , usually caring for spouses. Most are aware of what can happen in their lives together, so walk a thin line, caring for their partner and trying to manage their own health and lives as best they can and not fall into the trap of becoming Used Up. They care for their partner and themselves as long as they can, but, eventually , should they end up in a downward spiral, must face more realistic solutions involving their care ., no matter if that be together, or apart.
While still living together at Home, Caretakers should seek assistance whenever they can get it., over meal prep, house-cleaning, lawn care, pet care, household & auto repairs, and so on , it's never-ending and a fact of Life. Home Care is great and the staff can help you recognize and acknowledge how serious your situation can be. You have lived alone, but now it's time to form a Team of people from Health and Service industries and gain their assistance over the everyday tasks that can become overwhelming .
Place yourself First ! Treat yourself well!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to b8ted2sink
Report

This is a September post
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Anxietynacy
Report

When he even Mentions he'd prefer living in a RC Center-SEIZE IT!
You could have his bags all packed and stowed in a closet somewhere and ready to Go. Meanwhile, you could begin to make arrangements with a Care Ctr. so to be able to enact on "his wishes".
Truthfully, it seems he doesn't; know What he's saying , however, and When., or what he Wants. How was he able to Cancel the Home Care? UN-Plug his devices , if you can. Hide his phone , if he has one , or unhook a landline-even if temporarily. Same for laptops, etc..
Detach from him mentally, verbally and emotionally . Make a plan to care for Yourself , even if that includes placing him in a Care Ctr. Detach from your sister too-tell her if she's so stressed out , she can help you send him to a Care Ctr, otherwise -forget even trying to relate to each other from here on.
Your tumbling downhill fast . The three of you are Co-Dependents and your relationship can only be described as Toxic. Don't expect Change from your father or sister. Only YOU can change Yourself and the situation. Counseling may help and help you grow stronger in your convictions. "Coping" with each other is not enhanced over drinking, smoking, or drugs. Toss all that and keep the Faith that healing will come when we knock on the door and it shall be opened.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to b8ted2sink
Report

Sometimes when we are put in a position of responsibility over our parents - it's hard to step out of the "child" role and take on the "parent" role in our relationship with them.

BUT more often than not - we have to focus on their NEEDS and not their WANTS. And if they won't take care of themselves in spite of it - we have to stop making ourselves the solution so that they realize they need to find another option.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
Report

In the us we have Adult Protective Services. Most developed countries have a similar agency. Call them and explain your father’s situation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report
Margie80 Sep 13, 2024
Thank you very much. I appreciate that. And everybody should be aware of Adult Protective Services because most of the patients I speak to are not aware their Family members or adults or older adults have protection. I’ve called APS multiple times. But then again, it’s dad who initially hired the in-home healthcare - 1st for aunt Grace and then mom. The in-home health care attendant was from another country, here illegally (which we were not privy to) and 33 years younger than dad (younger than his son). Of course, dad fell for it. Besides our rights and money, nothing can or will ever be able to replace mom. Then when he got sick, she cared for him. I still called Adult Protective Services. She took care of him so good, he died an excruciating and painful death. So we “the children” ended up losing time with both parents. A mom’s love is unconditional. I hope your answer gives others the courage and strength to call Adult Protective Services. He would not let us take care of mom. Spousal privilege. He also had an extra apartment to go upstairs with the in-home healthcare attendant. I am sure AgingCare wouldn’t hire anybody who is here illegally. This is a business combined with a sounding board. I bet this place & other caregivers would’ve directed me 20 years ago in a way that would’ve led to mom living out her remaining years. I appreciate your compassion! Thank you and have a lovely day!
(0)
Report
You have a STRESS FRACTURE in your foot. Yet your sister wants to offload how stressed she is to you. Wow.

"He still refuses extra care or residential care".

The above CAN be changed.

(I've haven't read all the replies yet so I'll check back once up to date).

I woke up in the mood to take on stubborn today.

Let's do it!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Beatty
Report
b8ted2sink Nov 1, 2024
Why not EVERYDAY?
(0)
Report
Are you in the US? I don’t want to assume since I feel like you might be in UK or AUS?

You need to put it to him plainly: what you are doing is killing and bankrupting you. With the onset dementia, he might not be able to care about anyone else but himself. So you might never get his acceptance, cooperation or empathy.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Southernwaver
Report
Beatty Sep 13, 2024
"So you might never get his acceptance, cooperation or empathy".

Southernwaver, so well put!

I had a very similar conversation yesterday.
(1)
Report
Your father needs:
A) diagnostic workup
B) conservatorship or next of kin placement in care following letters of incompetency

You need:
A) psychological counseling so you, who understand fully you cannot continue to care for this gentleman, can do the short term goal work to get him placed, and the long term goals to resume self-caring
B) an immediate care contract drawn by attorney so father can assume payment and shared living costs, and you can meet mortgage.

No one can do this for you. We can sympathize, but I would imagine you have quite enough of sympathy and understand it is of ZERO help in situations like this. This is something you now can no longer afford to ignore. Do know that many elders do manage to kill off their progeny. Then, it will be no surprise to you, they enter care.

I surely do wish you the best. The choice is your own as to handling this or continuing on in this manner.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Why do you feel that it is your obligation to care for your father when it is not?
Your obligation is to yourself, your job and future.
If your father refuses either in-home help that he pays for not you, or being placed in the appropriate facility, then you just walk away and call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves. They will come out and do an assessment of the situation and take it from there.
You CANNOT afford to be without a job, so get your butt back to work when you're able to weight bear, which shouldn't be much longer and get on with your life.
Your father has had his life and now it's time for you to have yours.

And just FYI, I too had a stress fracture in my foot years ago, and never had to be non weight bearing but had to wear a clunky walking boot for quite a while, but I never missed a day of work and I was in retail management, which meant that I was on my feet all day for many hours, and it healed just fine.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Dad has dementia, which means he no longer makes sound decisions and can no longer call the shots. If he hasn’t named you or someone as POA over his financial and healthcare decisions for a time like this, you’ll have no choice but to back away and wait for an inevitable crisis to change his situation. If he has a POA, now is the time to act to get him care he cannot refuse, minus discussion or bargaining with him. I’ve had a foot stress fracture that came seemingly out of nowhere, six weeks in a boot for me. Your sister likely isn’t going to last the time it takes for you to heal. Time for a new plan for dad, whether he approves or not. Either leave him on his own and wait for the event or use POA to move him to safety and professional assistance.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Sounds dramatic but I feel he has dragged me down with him. He struggles to walk - I cant weight bare and using crutches like an elderly person. I am really concerned as to why I have broken my foot for no apparent reason. All I know the week leading up to this I felt my body was going to explode with stress and losing my job. I have read acute stress causes excess cortisol in the body which stops oxygen and blood supply reaching vital organs including your feet
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Sunnydays50
Report
Southernwaver Sep 12, 2024
You are right. That is what happens. If you let someone with dementia call the shots, you will suffer ill health, poor finances and possibly death. (It happens more than you think).
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
Oh goodness, does this bring back memories. I lost a job but not because of caretaking my sister. It was hard work. I did eventually land a job. This was over thirty something years ago. Get your health together.

Eventually, I did get my sister placed and was able to move on.

Work on getting dad placed. You can no longer care for him.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Scampie1
Report

Better to get dad in respite under the guise of you having to recover and then keep him there. Work with your sister to get this done. You need to work to pay your bills so you can't keep going on taking care of him.

You can't be forced to keep taking care of him.

You might have to step back and let him fail so he will be placed in a facility. Dad is not being fair to you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to sp196902
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter