A couple years ago my mom, who is now 89, had a mini stroke. Since then she’s had her gallbladder out and she just recently hadn’t knee replacement. With that being said, when my mom first had her mini stroke my older sister took it upon herself to start caring for my mom. My sister has MS so approximately a year into it we decided that we would alternate and so that I would jump in and help her every other week. I have two older brothers who can’t be bothered about anything. Now this is present day. I had to break off an eight year relationship and move back in with my mother to care for her full-time, all day, all night, every weekend, when am I not doing it that happened because my sisters MS became active. Oh yeah, also quit my normal job. I had another job opportunity that I declined because I thought my mother and I worked out a verbal deal of how much she was going to pay me each week so about the third week into it she had to get her knee replacement done now I am 54 and I can’t believe I have to ask for my paycheck and then I get attitude about it and then I’m asked what am I spending my money on I get reprimanded and I feel like I’m 15. Now since I moved back in with my mother, my sister and brothers and mother have assumed that this is my role 24/7 and I’m here to tell you that it’s not. I have put my health. I have put my finances. I have put everything about me on the back burner my siblings talk a good talk about relieving me but when it comes down to it they don’t do it, and I am feeling some type of animosity that I have been lashing out, but I think it also could be menopause setting in regardless I’m very bitter about nobody coming to help me so I am now getting paid $250 less. I’m doing way more work. There is no contract. Everything is under assumption my 89 year-old mother has told me three times already that this is not working out and she’s going to have to find somebody else I ask why is not working out because I want a break every weekend I’m working 24 seven Monday through Sunday so yeah I’m out of here on the weekends. At least I try to be. I have to always rob Peter to pay Paul with finding somebody to come help me so my question is how in the hell do I tell my mom she is a wealthy woman but when it comes down to it, she pinches pennies I don’t mind taking care of her and frankly, I don’t mind going back to the way it used to be the alternating weeks with my sister, but I don’t want to live there. I can’t do that. I did that because she needed Care and somebody to be there. I’m almost crazy right now because I don’t know what to do. I take care of her. I’m the maid and the landscaper and the nurse on medication management. I’m the laundry facilitator so if anybody can help me, I would really appreciate it.
You are a slave. Check with your labor board and find out the laws concerning live in help. Basically its like anyother job. You work 40 hrs with time off. Yes, u need a contract in place written by a lawyer. Mom also needs to take out for taxes and Social Security. You should get a reasonable hourly pay.
Me, if Mom can afford to pay someone, I would go back to my life. Getva job and a place of your own and just be her daughter. If her health gets such she needs 24/7 care, she can go to a nice Assisted living. You need to work for your Social Security earnings.
Give your siblings two weeks notice, get a job and get back to your life.
Especially unpaid/paid under the table.
None.
You are literally destroying your own future every day you remain unemployed. Accept the next job offer, do NOT tell Mom. Then leave and call to tell you won’t be coming back AFTER you’ve left.
I understand where you're coming from and I sympathize with you because I lived the life you currently are. I was also a paid in-home caregiver for 25 years as my profession and now operate an agency. So I've seen every family dynamic there is.
It is so common in families for there to be one caregiver who is 100 percent responsible for ALL the work and the care needs. When that slave wants a weekend off, everyone (including the person receiving the care) starts up about things "not working out" and they need to get someone else.
Know what I said to this crap when it got to be too much with my mother and family?
I said GOOD, go and get someone else. Then I left. You need to do the same.
My mother was given a choice. Make it work with homecare or you go into residential care.
Make plans. Start with getting a job then follow that with leaving.
Depending on what your mother's mental and physical capabilities are give her the same choice I gave my mother. Make it work with homecare or you go into residential care.
If you want to continue helping out with your mother's care, YOU are the one who sets the terms or it will be nothing. Remind her that she can't take it with her so there will be homecare aides hired on the weekends, landscapers, and a cleaning person once a week or every two weeks depending on need. If everyone finds this disagreeable, move out.
Your wealthy mother likes to be cheap and pinch pennies? Let her know how much she'll be paying to a nursing home, AL, or for live-in help if you pack up and go. So not only will all of her pinched pennies get spent up at lightening speed, so will every asset she has if they aren't protected in Trust or no longer in her name.
Your mother and your family may need a little time to experience what life will be if you're not on the scene anymore. Go somewhere for a few weeks or a month. Stay with a friend. They will come around.
We know you love her. And she's had her life, don't give up yours!
People take on the caregiving for all kinds of reasons. No judgment for why. The OP can move forward with her own life by getting a job and leaving.
You inadvertently became The Solution. You had good intentions but in caregiving, that's not enough. Unless you back out 100% your other family will not work much or at all to replace you.
Do not say you "can't" do it anymore because this will cause them to negotiate with you and then if you stay eventually things will go back to burnout.
You tell them you don't ever want to do it anymore. Period. No. With a smile. They will most likely be shocked, then furious, then petty and threatening. No matter. You make the plans and have a deadline and then you follow your plan no matter what the flying monkeys are doing around you to manipulate you into staying. Not even if your sister with MS thinks she needs to step back in. That would be her poor decision.
Also tell them that you want the back pay that is owed you (although if this was only a verbal agreement with your Mom, good luck with that). Even if she coughs this up do not stay. If you do, then you're responsible for everything going forward. You must leave. Even if she threatens you with disinheritance. Sorry, there's no other answer to your burnout and stalled life.
You can do it. It will get harder at first and then it will get better. So much better.
I wish you clarity, courage, strength, wisdom and peace in your heart as you restart your life before it's too late.
The OP doesn't mind doing caregiving as long as she can have weekends off and doesn't also have to also become a full staff of domestic servants all in one.
She can demand that a certain amount of cash be deposited into a bank account that is hers only. The mother is a wealthy woman after all. This way if her mother and family renege on any deals they make with her so she'll stay, she can leave. When her mother and family knows she has an exit plan, they will be less likely to try to take advantage and treat her with disrespect.
Your sister should NEVER take back caring for your mother as the stress I'm sure is what triggered her MS to flare up, and as you're finding out the stress is affecting you as well.
Time for a wake up call for your mother, that her children looking after her are all but done now, and that you'll be more than happy to help her find either full-time help or placement in the right facility.
And if any inheritance is weighing on your mind, I will say that your mental and physical health is worth way more than any inheritance could ever be.
Best wishes in taking your life back and in getting back to working a "real" better paying job and finding joy again.
I think you're acknowledging that to us by telling us you:
1. Left a long term relationship
2. Left a job
3. Took on care without a contract
4. Are not getting paid, yet have not given notice to quit.
These were YOUR decisions. You are not a victim.
And as to who can help you? Once again, it is pulling out the mirror, staring into it.
It's time to acknowledge that you've got your OWN problems, relationships, needs for money, and cannot handle the illnesses and needs of everyone else.
I think that you'll have to take responsibility for your decisions/choices.
For myself, I'd give everyone notice of my leaving date. I would try to give them at least one of two months to pull together a plan for themselves.
I am very sorry. Saints and Saviors are seldom thanked.
You acknowledge that you KNOW what choices you should have made by enumerating the bad choices you DID make and the results from them. So a new year is coming. Time to pull out the "Resolutions" list.
I wish you every bit of luck in this new year.