Is there anyone out there besides me who wishes their mother would die?

Shortedout: I just have to respond to your post. You said someone had already pointed out that the person you need to stand up to is not your FIL but your wife and MIL and I honestly have to agree. When you stated that you have injured yourself and been off work 8 weeks due to this, for me that was the last straw in this deal. I am sorry but it is not your responsibility to care for your FIL and certainly not to the point of injury to yourself. Who is going to take care of you when you are ill or severely injured due to this "privilege" that has been imposed on you. I do not know how your relationship works with your spouse but in my opinion I think you need to set a date and tell your wife and MIL that as of November 1st you will under no circumstances be continuing to care for your FIL. He can be placed in a home where he can have round the clock care but you will no longer endanger your health to provide care to him. If providing this care is such a "Privilege" then perhaps it is time that your wife and MIL be the recipient of it. To me it sounds as though these two women are spoiled and demanding and are willing to risk you and your health to sit on their tushes and basically use you as a Sherpa or paid help. You are going to have to muster up as much manhood as you can to confront these two and tell them it stops now, mean it, and stick to it!

I will be standing in your corner cheering for you!!!!

Yes, you need to put her in a nursing home!!!!!It better than you thinking the way you are thinking. I'm taking my mom out, because I don't like the fact that she never wanted to go to one. And I can retire early and take care of her because she would have taken care of me! I do wish you better days!!!!

Your not alone in this at all, i feel the same way about my nan nothing is ever good enough, she wants to be taken out everyday but only her and my mum, she never wants me there so i never see my mum, even if i call my mum my nan hates it and will shout in the background, she keeps getting sicker in herself but not weaker which just makes her more demanding, more manipulative and generally a not very nice person. we all feel this way sometimes so please don't feel like your bad or evil because your not everyone gets at there wits end. take care xx

Shortedout - when we marry, we marry the family as well. You ARE caring for an aging parent, whether it is your flesh & blood or not, but your situation is quite different. Is there a physical reason your mother-in-law can't bathe her own husband? Clean the home? Fix his meals? It is odd to me that all of those chores are landing in your lap & not at least shared by her and your wife. I agree that you need to draw a line here - with your wife and mother-in-law - and work out a system where all 3 of you are sharing in the workload. It is too stressful to take all of this on by yourself, especially with taskmasters cracking their whips in the background. I did not have help from my siblings either, and I had no idea the amount of stress I was under physically until everything came to a head & I realized I just couldn't do it ALL anymore. My mom passed on August 27 - peacefully and in her sleep - and now I am missing the mother I used to have before the caregiving was necessary...the mother I had while caregiving filled me with resentment and frustration - she "stole" the other mother away from me little by little.

I know what you are feeling, even though I do not care for an aging parent but rather for my wife's 90-year-old father. My wife refuses to put him in a home & insists on me bathing him and helping with his personal care, in addition to cleaning his home, fixing meals on occasion, doing yard work, shoveling snow - the list is endless. I have been injured as a result of looking after this man and missed work for 8 weeks but this does not matter to my wife and her mother - they continue to demand I help with him. I have reached the point I wish he would die & get it over with as there is no end in sight. Home care is useless; they do next to nothing and my wife's father has come to EXPECT me to bathe him, as he rebuffs all attempts by home care staff to do that. When I expressed my insistence that this change both my wife & her mother said I should feel 'privileged' to bathe him and ignore my concerns. My wife has 2 brothers; 1 lives too fare away to help and the other refuses to help.

Although I'm not caring for an aging parent I understand completely where you are coming from. I just wish I could be as strong as you have...I have been told the real person I need to stand up to is not my father in law, but my wife & her mother.

I posted my first answer to you on August 20th and have gone through a lot since then. My short and sweet answer now, is yes I do wish she would pass, peacefully in her sleep.

So many times in the past 5 years my father-in-law has been close to death. But each time medical intervention pulled him through. This 87 year old man is in misery. He can walk from his bed to the table to eat and if lucky to the toilet before making a mess. That is the extent of his existence. He sits and moans and shakes his head back and forth as if to say take "take me out of this life!"
He is under hospice palliative care close to a year now. Twice in the past 3 months they decided he needed to be hospitalized (once for MRSA infection, the other for blood being too thin) they said he really needed to be treated in hospital because HE COULD DIE if not. Isn't this what we are waiting for?! Let the man die. He is miserable!
We figure close to a million dollars of medicare money has been spent on the care of my father in law. $1,000,000!
With reasoning such as this you can see how medicare expenditures could bankrupt our country.
God has been calling this man home for years, but we keep pulling him back.

I personally understand your feelings, but no I wouldn't wish on that for my mom. My mom is all that you all have described, it's bad, the accusations, the blame for everything that happend wrongly in her life is all my fought according to her. I live 3 blocks away, so do get to escape her verbal, menatal abuse..my bro on the other hand actually lives with her and he has said to me what the blogger said...I told him he don't really mean that, but not sure...but I know he's getting it worse than me since I have my own place to live. She really went off on me the other day, saying really hurtful, untrue stuff....and then bragged to my sis (another state) how she letted me have it... In her mind she thinks all the lies she tell pep/relatives are true, but they aren't, and that hurts. I think if the lies were true, they wouldn't hurt so bad... But I try to stay strong and if relatives etc...want to know the real story I welcome them to call me...but the lies always get back to me..and yes I know it's the sickness going on in her head but it still hurts, after all I have done for her, financially, vacations, medical etc...(past 6 yrs) for her to turn and blast me w/lies, and accusations. I have to keep telling myself it's the sickness or I would probably.... I don't know get sick or something...It's hard I know, but no I wouldn't wish that....

OneMoreDay, you are letting her not just get to you, but to your very spirit if you are the one wishing to die, which is extremely hard not to if it is your own mother, no matter how obviously unreasonable they become. And especially when the toxicity is right there beside you all the time. She is right when she says its her dementia and wrong when she then tries to say there is nothing wrong with her. The wishful thinking people indulge in is so hurtful to them and to everyone around them, but facing facts when you are in the habit of wishing them away is not a practice most people can readily cultivate after a lifteime of it, especially when their mental clarity is slipping. At some point, my own mom became unable to tell the difference between things she dreamed and things that really happened. I found that even more horrfying, though most of her dreams weren't as bad as many of mine....I just can't go there, I would have wished she could have died sooner if she was truly living in nightmares but thankfuly it never got that bad.

But listen, you have got to go on that vacation. No, Mom will not understand. But you just have to go, somehow. And hubby has got to be back in your life again, somehow. Occasionally, an elder with dementia will recognize an unspoken truth, that the person caring for them cannot totally be taken for granted...it takes an action though, not just words they will not remember, like reducing visiting if they are in an ALF, or shunning/bring non-verbal while caring for them if you cannot safely step away when being abused.

Human parents are not supposed to eat their young, though, and it does not necessarily honor them if you let them. Some of our parents might be selfish enough that they would not care that we give up our own life and future to cater to them; others would be appalled if they truly realized what was happening. It sounds like yours is one who would be appalled at herself if she really understood the depth and degree of the hurt she was inflicting. My mom once said to me "Well I'm sorry but I am just worried about everything" after she brought me to tears for bringing her shoes in to her to the therapy area one day. For some reason she was embarrassed about having someone bring her shoes and called me a stupid idiot in front of everyone. I'd had a bad day and just broke down and cried, and staff saw what happened and helped me out.

What I am trying to say is..its HER, and her dementia. Her reason is going or gone and therefore she will not be able to be reasonable. It's Not You.

Perhaps since as caregivers our life is upside down, it's only natural that we see things from upside down point of view. Others who don't share our predicament are often can not understand what we're going through. Like those effort to prolong life at all cost. Every time I talk against it, people would look at me like I'm such a monster. But isn't it more cruel to prolong their suffering on earth than to let them die a natural death in peace? Besides, the effort to prolong their lives often do not take into account the problems that must be faced by caregivers

I don't agree 100% with this poem, (especially the line "when they no longer serve the land", for me it is more "when they no longer alive even though their heart still beating") but I really think it contains some truth.

I hate the men who would prolong their lives
By foods and drinks and charms of magic art
Perverting nature's course to keep off death
They ought, when they no longer serve the land
To quit this life, and clear the way for youth.
- Euripides, 500 BC

Hi! I haven't been on this site long, but it is wonderful! Finally, somebody understands where I am coming from. I care for my mother-in-law who lives close to us. She always complains that I don't do enough for her and that I am causing trouble in her life. I had asked a sister, a true daughter, to help more and mainly to get together with the rest of the siblings so everyone knows what we're dealing with. My husband yelled at me for being "mean" to his mom. Well, that kicked off the second session of yelling at me. He finally saw how she really is last night and apologized for thinking the problem was me. As far as I'm concerned, my parents passed away 13 years ago, so this is not my deal. This morning I have a vicious phone call from her telling me I have caused enough trouble (not sure what THAT means...) and to keep my nose out of her business. My first reaction is not to call or go by cuz I don't know how much she'll try to hurt me this time. I have gone over every morning to walk her dog but husband said not to go over there at all today. I'm more worried about the dog, not her. I refuse to listen to the msg. she left me via phone again cuz I don't want to feel the hurt that is with me most of the time. We used to be very close, but now I hate going over there. I want to tell her that NOBODY else, even the young girls she hires to clean for her, will ever clean her toilet. I clean up her diarrhea mess every time I am over there. The bathroom is pretty much disgusting. She says the "girls" do a great job and it must be MY mess that needs cleaning up. I have picked up filthy incontinence underwear when she misses the trash, or when her trash is strewn across the yard by neighborhood dogs. I have truly tried, but i am disabled as well, and have problems with major depressive disorder, so I really don't need this. I do wish she would die. She is miserable, lonely, and bored. I know SHE wishes she would die. We had discussed this and feelings surrounding her death a few times and she is very religious, and not scared to die. Maybe she was lying to me about that. We've already gone from extremely good friends to just about enemies. I have to watch out for myself and, for me, I need to get out of this predicament before I end up in hospital myself. Well, gonna delete this awful msg off my machine before I listen to it again and get all charged up. Thanks so much to everyone for having this site. I'm told quite a few times that I'm just complaining to complain. this site has proved that I am not the CRAZY one, just the abused one.

Tonight...I can sorta' relate. Mom isn't Mom anymore. I can't talk to her like before. She makes all the rules, all the demands, asks all the questions and acts indignant if I question her judgement. She never comforts me, doesn't appear to care that I have not spent one single solitary hour with my husband in eight months, is acting more and more like HER mother whom she hated. She declares that she doesn't mean to be hurtful, or manipulative, but uses her dementia to excuse herself from everything she doesn't want to do...then says she is just the same as ever...no judgement issues whatsoever!

OMG! Tonight she was a little pissy about something and decided that she is not going on the vacation I've been planning for months and looking forward to. I deal with her ever changing moods, accusations and endless repeats of the same questions / comments and then she acts like I'm just picking on her when I ask her not to feed the dogs that smelly, greasy cat food - and leave the open can in the middle of the breakfast table. (I asked nicely.) i have to thank her for every f'ing breath she takes but she feels like I'm just such a bother.

I don't want her to die, but tonight I sure wish I could! I'm tired of this non-life I'm living!

Debralee, my parents also didn't do anything to help their parents. Sometimes my mother invents stories of how she used to visit every month, but the trips were only once or twice a year. My father's dad moved in with us for a short time after my grandmother died, but my mother didn't want him there, so he moved out quickly. She talks to me of how she and my father spent time hiking and how she wanted to travel when they retired. My father had different plans and planted himself in a chair for the last 20 years of his life. They didn't have to take care of anyone but themselves.

My aunt became ill with cancer. My mother criticizes my cousin-in-law for not taking the aunt in. The truth is that my parents had two spare bedrooms in their house and could have taken her in. My mother wouldn't help care for her sister, but criticizes my cousin-in-law for not doing it.

So even though she didn't owe anything to my father's or her parents, my mother feels I owe her. Strangely, she doesn't feel like my brothers owe her. Only me. I guess I'm special. I've always wished I had some sisters, instead of brothers. I bet it would be more fun.

My parents never had to worry about taking care of their elderly parents. They enjoyed their young senior years. I have every intention of enjoying my seinor years. I worked hard and planned for this time. I am finally at a point in my life where empty nest is a joy. I had the good sense to plan for my very senior years without having to burden my children. My parents generation was too coddled and complacent to plan their senior years. I refuse to pick up the slack of their misguided judgement!

As your parent gets progressively worse, it is a thought that enters everyone's head - then we are appalled that we actually thought it! But we are human and above the love for our parents is the desire to wish for their suffering to be over, especially in light of the fact that we know they will never get better, get well again. And as time drags on, deep inside we begin to resent the demands being made on our time, our lives. It is a normal reaction to an overbearing burden, so let the guilt go - cry a bit, find a friend to whom you can vent when you are frustrated, and know in your heart you are doing the best you can - and in the end you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you did your very best, with no regrets.

Yes, I do, but only because she is not really living. It is strange but even with dementia, she has selective short term memory. If you do anything that upsets her, she will remember that. I know she would be miserable not to mention broke if she went into a nursing home. Don't feel bad about it, but do try to make good memories for her and yourself. The caregiver is always the target for their frustration. Seek out a support group or at least go to the library and get a book or dvd on help for caregivers. Don't feel guilty, the job is hard enough as it is, without that.

My mother lives in an Assisted Living facility and I have moments when I wish she was dead. Adult child becomes the parent. I empathize.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has that kind of wish. My mom has dementia for about 15 years now. She married late, so I was pretty young when that happened. I left my budding career, passed the chance to get married and have a family of my own and practically sacrifice my life to take care of her. I used to wish that she would die so I can have a life. But I'm running out of time. If that does not happen soon, I probably going to wish that she would die, so I too can die.

I did wish that in the last few months of her life, but that was because she had NO quality of life left, was in pain, had dementia etc. Prior to my Mom being in a Nursing Home for 4.5 yrs, she did live with me for about 5 yrs after my Dad passed away, & yes, she did drive me nuts at times, but then she wasn't really ill, she just could not handle living on her own.
Did you ever think about talking to Mom's Doctor(s) in private & tell them the whole story, sometimes they can help point you in the right direction and get her in an Assisted Living OR Nursing Home.

You have to remember that you are #1 & have to take care of yourself first ! I just joined this site today, so I do not know the whole story. I wish you the very best, but can truly understand where you are coming from !!

SA .. lol .. at least she wasn't being sent to *your* house!!

There are some things worse than dying....And sometimes dying is the only way out of a bad situation....Is your Mom on antidepressants?....What is her pain level? Does she have dementia? How is her overall health? Does she qualify for Medicaid in a facility or Veteran's Aid and Assistance? Is placement in a facility feasible?
Taking care of an elderly parent, means trying to provide what they need not necessarily doing it all yourself.

Years ago, sick and old people just died. Sometimes I wonder why people who claim to belive death is just a door to a better life are so hung up on extending this one. Sometimes we extend dying not living.

CC....thank you, and yes, I think it's past time for me to take care of me.

The symptoms you've described all pretty much clone my own. And I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

I'm so glad that you're over all that, CC. I'm really happy that all that mess is just gone from you, and that you can enjoy good health now, and thank God your heart is now ok and normal. *hugs* Yes, I've had the tests on my heart done, now it's just a matter of finding out the results. I hope it's nothing major either...

And you are absolutely correct....you will, for good or ill, find out what you're really made of when you do this, as you said, seemingly endless job... And CC...thanks for the kind words. I've always considered myself awful, evil, listening to mom....glad I finally proved her wrong. On some level I knew she was wrong, but....demons raged in me for my whole life. I wasn't sure I'd ever banish them. They're gone now. Thank God.

Raven, what I gained doing this job I couldn't have gotten without doing it, although I wasn't looking for anything... I found MYSELF, who I am, what I am, and to me personally, growing up in a house, locked in a cage with the monster that is the narcissistic personality disorder, you can't understand how much finding ME meant. So yes, there can be a whole lot of gain in care giving. I'd go to hell and back countless times for that, because I'm a better person for it, who I was always meant to be, but couldn't be.... and that's worth everything to me...and it almost cost that much to learn it..


Anyone watch/read Game Of Thrones? If you do, you'll get this...

I woke up, sitting straight up in bed in a total black mood and panic this morning...In my dream, I got a phone call from the facility where mom is at. The lady told me that my mom would be discharged the next day... In the dream:

Me: What do you mean, you're discharging her tomorrow?? You mean she's coming HERE, back home???

Lady: Well, she's scheduled to be taken to Qarth. Do you know where that is?

Me: Qarth?? You're sending her to Qarth??? O__O

And I woke up....in a black, dark pissy mood, and totally freaking out... *snickers*

Have a good one, everybody... Stay strong...

**sends everyone good vibes and karma**

First of all Bittersweet, you are never alone on this site nor with this question. Although not everyone wishes their parent would die, we all recognize the pain and anguish you are going through and we have been there ourselves. It really sounds like you need some time away from the stress and stain of your care giving.

Have you ever heard the saying.."No good deed goes unpunished?" That is what has happened to you, you were the only child to step up and agree to care for Mom, so what do you get in return, a lot of grief. I know what you mean to be blamed for everything or talked to rudely or just not appreciated for all that you do. Everyone reaches that point where they wonder if it is all worth it. We wonder why we are doing this when we have nothing to gain from it, we did it out of the goodness of our hearts, it was an act of love and now we feel like we are being abused.

You are not alone here, you need rest, you need to get away from the situation for a while and renew your spirit. I know your siblings want nothing to do with Mom but if I were you I would either call and ask for them to come and spend a period of time with Mom or I would hire someone to come in so I could leave.

We all do understand where you are coming from, many of us have been in the same exact spot.

God Bless You! Get some R & R!

SA ... have been reading your posts for a while now. You have had such a difficult time with your Mom. I'm so sorry that it's taken such a toll on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. You have been very strong to take care of your Mom and very kind and gracious to let the past slip into the past. But now it's time for you to take care of yourself.

I realize that you are scheduled for some tests related to your heart. I meant to tell you a day or two ago that there are so many things that can be done for you now days that will help you to feel better. About 20 years ago (@ 39) I had to have a heart valve replaced with a mechanical valve. Up until the replacement, I used to get bronchitis at least twice a year, sometimes three. Just before having the valve replaced I could hardly function. My chest would hurt and my lungs would begin to fill with water and I felt like I was drowning. Coughing constantly. After the valve replacement (they've made a lot of progress in this area) my heart returned to normal size (it was enlarged) and I haven't had bronchitis for 20 years. I have to take a blood thinning medication but monitor it regularly and am careful to watch for symptoms of bleeding or a change in the sound of the valve.

All that being said, I have had a wonderfully healthy life since that time, with no complications. I do praise God for that because I know that He keeps me in the palm of His hand.

I have been caregiving more intensely for my Mom for the past 5 years (although she has lived with my hubby and me for 35) but now she is steadily declining. My job isn't as hard as yours has been since my Mom only has mild dementia, she is generally cooperative, but our relationship hasn't been as close as I would have liked which has been a bit painful (she gravitates more towards my older sister). Can't hardly hear or see and is so physically frail that it seems she will hardly be on her own two feet much longer.

But even with all the positives for my Mom, it still feels sometimes that this job just wont ever end. I too pray for a gentle and easy passing for my Mom. I guess we go through these things sometimes to help us find out the stuff we're really made of and based on your post. It sounds like you're made of some good stuff.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself, make sure you get your tests and get the help you need to make yourself well. It may actually be something very simple and very treatable. I hope that it is.

Almost a month ago my mom 'died' on an ambulance on the way to the hospital when her heart failed. They didn't realize she was DNR, so they shocked her back to life. Yay.

I know that sounds really awful. At first, I really was happy that they had saved her life, that she was alright and stable, and she finally looked and acted alright, much more 'normal' for her stage of alz... it was a relief.. at first.... Don't get me wrong, it's not that, on some level anyway, I wasn't happy to be able to be there for her... I was. I'm glad that I'm big enough to give what my mom would never give, to anyone, for any reason... Her relatives took care of her mother in her declining years, when she had cancer and was totally blind... Mom was here in the states. I remember my grandmother fondly... Anyway, yes, I'm happy on some level that I was big enough to dig deep enough to find what it took to do what it took. I was determined that my mom would be comfortable, clean, well looked after...I tried my best the last couple years she's been really bad to do my best for her, just because she's human...

But....

The toll.

The toll.

The toll....

OMG. I can't describe the toll this has taken on me personally, and I mean literally on all levels. Yes, I have learned some lessons on this journey that are priceless...but the price to my health, in all ways, was almost as great...

I am in a deep, black funk right now. It's just worries and worries and more worries, that never seem to stop. I do have some issues in my life worked out, but then it seems like new issues pop up...

I feel an almost desperate need to start...doing something... I really want to get further educated and start working... I feel such an intense need to do that, but.... I can't. Not now. I'm in this godawful LIMBO.. I can't make a single solitary move until I know for a fact what I'm going to have to face, possibly in the near future, concerning my mom.... Some lady called, talking insurance stuff, and my mom might have to come back home. Every single time I think about it, I shudder...

I am totally and completely enjoying this time, and no, I don't feel guilty, not one single iota. Not for that joy. I won't feel guilty about it.

I've learned that there is indeed such a thing as giving too much... Giving is good. It always will be. Maybe in RL wars it's alright to give your life for your country if you've sworn to do so ahead of time... But no one on the planet has the absolute right to every single bit of you, down to the damn marrow.

I do not owe my mom my LIFE, down to my last freaking breath. .

Sean, my son, and I had a discussion. I told him straight up that I could not, and would not, look after my mom in this house another single minute, ever again in this lifetime. I told him honestly that I just, literally, wasn't healthy enough myself, that I just couldn't even begin to imagine, that minute, trying to dredge up the damn energy to deal with my mother yet again... I want to curl into a little ball and start begging for the torture to stop.... Hers and mine..

I am drained dry in every single way there is to be drained. I did my best. I did so damn well that I feel I was, and could be still, on my way to a rather early death..

NO. The end.

Do I wish my mom would die? I've asked the One to please, please, make death happen softly for my mom, in her sleep, hopefully on some good drugs to keep her peaceful and calm, never knowing what hit her...

...but make it happen. Alz is a long, ugly slow ride into death. It's ugly, and those who deal with it get it. I'm weary to the bone of it. I feel like I could sleep for a year..

I've been surrounded by death, and pretty much isolated in this house for years, with no real contact with the vast majority of the outside world... I'm dying, too.

I've asked the higher power for two things for myself... Peace. And just a few good years of life and health, it didn't have to be that many, but.... a few good years without my mom in my life seems like a nice reward from God for a job well done...

When I was a teen I told our neighbor Sonja that I would never be free until my mom was 6 ft under. I didn't realize at the time how literal that really was going to turn out to be...

I don't hate my mom, all that mess is pretty much gone now... but... really? Her life isn't really a life anymore... So yeah, sometimes I do wish that my mom would just quietly pass... for all our sakes...

I think I understand.My dad had dementia and my mother was so mean to him,.it hurts me even now,6 years later.She humiliated him,and bullied him.Now I am in charge of her.I am doing it the right way.I won't ever forget what she did,but I can take the higher road,and take the best care of her that she will allow.She's a mean and difficult woman,it is not easy.But I want to be happy in my own skin.I am hiring help so I can get out every day for an hour or so.Bles you!

I know exactly what you are talking about.Mine has only been living with me for 9 months and I already feel this way.I don't care how good your relationship with your mother is if it goes on long enough at one time or another you will feel like this because you are human. My mother did something years ago that pretty much as far as I was concerned did the mother/daughter bond in.I can't forgive,I've have tried but the feeling of anger and distrust is still there so I am having to learn to live with it and now she is in my house,there is no getting away from it.So I am starting to lay down some law to my narcisstic passive-aggressive mother and I feel so much better.Just this morning told her I wouldn't take her dog to vet today but to make an appointment later in the week,she just informed me she made the appointment for this AM.Well,I stood my ground and told her she would have to call them back because it wasn't going to be today.By the way, the dog is fine,of course I would take him if I thought something was wrong,love dogs,have 6 of my own, now have 8 with her 2 dogs,That's right her 2 dogs one of which had horrible diarrhea in her bed last nite ,which I cleaned.Found out she had fed her Yorkie baby food because she didn't think he was eating enough.I also have to deal with tremendous feelings of guilt,because hey, you aren't supposed to hate your mother.I am being sarcastic.There is really no one in my circle I can confess this to.It sounds horrible.I am just doing my duty because I have to live with myself but I am determined I am not going to quit living because her world has changed.I didn't make her older, I can't cure scoliosis and osteoarthritis, I can't give her the live she had back.I can make sure she is clean, fed, gets to the doctor, has a safe living environment,that her pain is controlled the best way possible through her doctor at the pain clinic.Anything else is extra. I try to make sure she gets out within reason.Take her to church and the hairdresser.She just can no longer go on big shopping trips as she just is not physically able ,it is nothing I am keeping her from.I just got to stay strong.

I know exactly how you feel. My mother has been a narcissistic, manipulative, controlling and nasty woman her whole life. Even when I lived far away she was constantly on the phone interfering, trying to control my life and verbally bashing me over the head. In 09, as she could no longer manage alone I quit my career, sold my home and moved to care for her. I have no feeling for her whatsoever, it was just duty. It was four years of pure hell. She's now in a NH and I've moved to a tiny house in the country but she's still at it. She fought with the neighbours wherever she lived and alienated the very few friends she had over the years. She's been in the NH almost a year and no-one ever goes to see her or calls her so I'm "it".

She's been going on for some time about coming to see my house (which is 10 minutes away) but I always managed to put her off as, like always, it would be a nightmare "ewww, what a dump, you need to do this, you need to do that" which has been her attitude wherever I've lived. Well, it may not be Better Homes & Gardens but I came to this country with 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week and I worked 2 jobs for some years to become established, doing it all by myself. Three months ago, trying to hide her vitamin drink on top of a wardrobe, she fell & broke her hip and is now wheelchair/bedridden. She'll never walk again so at least she can't physically come after me.

I've started driving transport for dog rescue. Two weeks ago, just about to pull out to do my leg of a transport, she called and berated me for doing it "You shouldn't be doing this, it's your time and your gas, you have 2 dogs you should be spending those hours with them blah, blah, blah". Supposedly she's always been a rabid dog lover - for the last 12 years of my father's life she slept in the spare room with her dog in the bed, my father slept alone - and she begrudges these little puppies a chance at life?? I was livid to say the least!

A couple of days ago she called with "I've been thinking I should get a little house like yours. When I said it was impossible as she couldn't manage, cook or clean she started screaming at me that she could and I hung up on her. Later she left a weepy apologetic message on my machine. That evening she called again and we had a total screaming match. It ended with me telling her that I would ensure her finances were in order, her bills paid and I'd pick up any extras she wanted but if she ever called me again I'd change my phone number and make it unlisted.

It takes me a couple of days to get over the upset of these shenanigans and I've totally had it. It's time to get on and rebuild my life. From here on I'll do my duty but personally I want nothing more to do with her.

I agree with some of the others. Please find a placement for her. It is a lot of work, but well worth it in the end. I knew I could not keep my FIL here in my home. I spent many hours/days searching for a placement for him. We can now have good visits. I don't think I'd still be alive if we'd kept him here. This is obviously more than you can take. I was lucky in that my FIL had money, so he could go to a private pay facility of our choice. But I have also researched the local NH's so when the time comes, hopefully I can get him into one with a good reputation. Please start trying to find a placement. If she doesn't have money, Medicaid and her SS check will pay for it.

I actually said it out loud for the first time just a few days ago. I too wish they would both just die. Not to be hateful, but mom and dad are just so utterly miserable. They were such vibrant and full of life people. Now they are in a race to see who can be sicker and/or more needy of my attention. They cherry-pick their meds and hide or throw away ones they don't want to take today. Dad has gotten focused on me as his girlfriend and says painfully innappropriate things to me all the time now. Mom is vicious on a good day and just pathetic-sad on the bad ones. Yeah, I get wishing they would die. My friends have all lost their parents keep telling me how lucky and blessed I am to be able to care for them and have them still. I feel my friends are lucky their parent died so quick without robbing them of all good feelings and love first. I sure don't feel lucky. Every day I tell myself I will be calm and patient and they are not my parents. It sometimes works. Try not to beat yourself up. We all go through those moments.