When we are caring for a parent that refuses to bathe, wash their hair, take medications, eat, drink, etc. How far can you go in providing their care or trying to make them do "what they are suppose to" before you just have to call it quits and let it go or it could turn into what might be construed as abuse?
My mother was diagnosed with pneumonia 6 days ago. She has antibiotics and yesterday was given an inhaler when we had to take her back to the hospital for fear that it was getting worse. She is to use it 4 times a day. She is refusing to use it, says I am a liar and she does not have pneumonia, she was never diagnosed with it, never went to the doctor or had an x ray or went to the hospital yesterday (even though I have provided the paperwork).
This morning and this evening were pure hell in getting her to use the inhaler. She will scream at you that she is NOT USING IT! Tonight when I was telling her to blow out all the air in her lungs, she basically spit in my face. I put the inhaler in her mouth and told her to breathe in as I shot a burst into her mouth. She slapped me.
In an instance such as this and many others that we deal with on a daily basis, when do you OR DO YOU.....just give up and walk away and say in your mind, okay if you die, you die, I cannot do this any longer.
I realized tonight that I cannot make her use the inhaler if she is going to fight me on it. This situation could have turned into a situation where anyone on the outside could have looked at what was going on and construed it to be abuse.
I became her caregiver to take care of her and protect her and because no one else would or could do it. I have two siblings that work and one lives with us. She cannot handle the situation, she has zero patience and as it is stays at work 4 hours past quitting time so she does not have to come home and be around to help. The other works 12 hour days and has two children and her husband is deceased.
I do not want to put her into a NH or a living facility but I cannot handle her constantly fighting me over everything. We put her on Remeron and Celexa and they worked so great to handle her. She developed headaches and was slowly removed from the Celexa and now I am living in HELL!!!
Her Gerontologist has said he does not want to put her back on any SSRI's like Celexa because she will probably have the same headaches or other problems. Instead he wants to put her on Anti-Psychotics that have what he calls a black box....as they can lead to stroke and heart attacks. I want him to try another SSRI and save the Anti-Psychotics for later if needed.
What do you all do when the person you are caring for REFUSES TO DO WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO or at least YOU are unable to get them to listen and acquiesce? I am just beside myself at this moment as it feels like I have failed or I am in the process of failing at this. I never want to be accused of abuse but i cannot get her to do what she is suppose to do either.
What do you do? Where do you draw the line? When do you give up? HELP!!!! I NEED WORDS OF WISDOM!!!
If you talk this one into trying buspirone - it's been a good choice for us in an acute rehab practice for anxiety and agitation, relatively few people too sedated on it and very rare to have antipsychotic-like motor effects, OR if you decide to try the Depakote after all - see if you can get a small supply to try first and see how it goes. Wish it was easier. Maybe someday they will have better pharmacogenetic testing that covers more common side effects of more common drugs, right now its more out there for stuff that can kill you rather than stuff that will make you miserable...
SNRI's affect both serotonin and norepinephrine (the panic hormone) so they tend to level out behavior. I would try an SNRI for six weeks before jumping to the antipsychotics. Talk it over with the MD, but in the long run, trust his judgment and inform him you cannot take care of her, nor can she return home alone in her current state. She will need a longer course of treatment or referral to a secure facility. You have done all you could, God keep you safe.
The doctor had already removed Mom from the Celexa and he decided to remove her from the Remeron as well to see if the headaches she had been experiencing ceased. I would be lying to say that did not frighten me as without medication she was not sleeping at night, upset, angry and flipping on our lights during the night, keeping us all awake until we were losing our minds.
Today Mom was fine, we had no problems at all. I realized everything has to be kept quiet, low key, played her favorite music, let her sit in the garden. The problem began between dinner and bedtime with last minute details, locking up, everyone being home, take dog for a walk etc. These she must do over and over anyway but without meds it was a bit worse.
The doctor now feels that if the headaches are not related to the Remeron and Celexa, he may put her back on them rather than the Anti-psychotics. I hope we can stay on lesser drugs for the time being. Today made me wonder how much she actually needs them at all but I know her condition is like a roller coaster and as soon as we think she is fine, she will get worse. I just know that I cannot take care of her if she is obstinate and angry, screaming and yelling. Mentally and physically I just cannot handle this all alone when she is in a bad condition.
My sister who is of no help in caring for Mom and actually stays at work 4 hours after quitting time so she does not have to be around the "situation" left to go to her doctor to have a CT scan done of her brain. I think she believes she is developing dementia or Alzheimer's as well. I refuse to take care of her, she has made my life miserable and continues to do so. She also filed a FALSE report with APS against me, saying I beat her and caused bruises and scratches on her arms. She did this to herself in an attempt to have me jailed and removed as Mom's POA. My 16 year old niece was here and saw everything and was my witness which is all that saved me. I have felt that I was losing my mind caring for my mother with zero compensation for the last 8 years, I will not care for my sister. I know that sounds horrible, but I just cannot.
And you sure as heck will not find me caring for sisters if the ever develop this wretched disease! No help from them, only additional stress and also a false report on me to APS. They will have to wing it .
i would definitely agree to the antipsychotics. in my view having a calm demeanor far out weights any black box warning. it means she is at increased risk not that she will have a stroke. priorites are the way to go and if a nursing home is going to be the only way she gets proper care that's the way to go and do it without guilt you have done your best and that is always good enough
What sounds horrible - in fact you've just introduced a notion that will have me waking in cold sweats all night long - is the very idea that you MIGHT feel obliged to care for your demented sister (hypothetically, I mean - spit spit, God forbid that she ever gets the disease at all).
Mind you I think if there is one person in the world who would be more aghast at that idea than me… it'd be my sister, at the thought of my looking after her.
So please! Caring for our sisters next? That idea ends RIGHT here.
jw: Brought up the fact that we need to take care of ourselves if we are to be any good to anyone else. I have a therapist that comes to my home to talk with me every Monday morning and see how the week has gone. She continually tells me that I MUST leave the house on the weekend at least or I will go crazy. I was trying to go out for a while each weekend and then it went down to every other weekend and now live in sister who cares only about herself has had a meltdown that I EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE! Her real problem is that I leave the house with my daughter and my younger sister and her daughter. The 4 of us enjoy each others company so we may go out to eat or a movie or a swap meet. Older sister does not like this and has now informed me that I CAN NO LONGER LEAVE THE HOUSE ON THE WEEKENDS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION BECAUSE SHE MAY HAVE THINGS SHE NEEDS TO DO. Now I am 61, use your imagination as to what words I told her off with! What she has now resorted to doing is watching me to see if I am getting ready to go somewhere. She gets up in the morning and dresses, hair and makeup as well then basically waits to see if I am going to get ready to leave, then she dashes out the door first. Or if I am leaving she wants to know when I will be home because she has numerous places to go. To that I have just told her that she has 5 days a week where she refuses to come and help, therefore in that extra 4 hours each day she better make sure she has completed all of her tasks because come the weekend, she will be the care giver while I do what has to be done for myself! She yells and screams and throws a fit and pushed me out of her bedroom the other day and slammed the door in my face.....she is 66.
She is very rude to my mother as well. I believe she does this so I will not leave her in charge of our mother. You know how some men with fake incompetence so their wives will not ask them for help, well I think she does the same thing where most everything is concerned any more. The other night the sprinklers came on outside and it was suppose to rain the following day, so she comes to my door and says "the sprinklers are on." I was speaking with my daughter so I looked at her and said, "Would you like to go turn them off?" She replied, "No." and walked to the bathroom.....I let them run.
This particular sister does the things she does because she has had a problem with me since my birth, that she failed to ever get over. She further makes my life miserable with Mom because it is my punishment for taking Mom's MDPOA and financial. She will make me suffer no matter what because I put a stop to her taking Moms money to pay her bills.
Countrymouse: She tells me that she is having a brain scan done as a baseline for her doctors to go by. I am sure she believes she has the beginning of dementia or Alzheimer's as it does run in our family. My mother's mother had 3 sisters and I believe 4 brothers although I never knew the brothers. All of these siblings had children that have had Alzheimer's. My mother is the only one in her siblings to have dementia.
I know my sister has a mental problem and has had it her entire life...it is called being a B--ch! She has alienated both of her children who are in their 40's and either do not claim her as their mother or will only speak to her, "when hell freezes over." By the way this lovely woman is an elementary school teacher!
Countrymouse: Do not worry I have braced myself for saying NO to giving her any care. I have enlisted the help of my younger sister and her children as well as my daughter to knock me in the head and drag me off if it even looks like I may fall prey to caring for her. Since she has filed a FALSE report against me to APS I would be a fool to touch her with a 10 foot pole....actually I can't touch her, APS told me that "I cannot ever lay a finger on her!" I hope she does not need me to save her life some day!
I am sorry that I sound so horrible but you can only take abuse for so long until you stand up and have to fight back. When my mother is gone, I honestly hope I never see this sister again. She offers nothing but pain and misery to my life.
jw: just a fast answer about the Tylenol, Mom is currently using the strongest or highest potency of Tylenol that they make and it does nothing to stop the headaches. Advil, Tramadol, nothing she can take with stop the headaches when they hit. She is on blood thinner so there is no asprin she can take and we have not found anything to stop the headache yet. A slight headache would be manageable but hers became all day long every single day to the point she had to lay on the bed with ice or heat and nothing worked. Celexa can upset the sodium in your blood and cause headaches but even off the meds she is continuing to have them. She did not have them prior to beginning the meds.
I so want to respond to all of you who have made such valid points and I greatly appreciate you all!
Veronica - nice plan in some ways but it would only work once, if that. The idea appeals...
HC why does your sister live with you and your mom? Sounds like you'd be better off if she wasn't there. Does she contribute to the household expenses?