Father-in-law is constantly confrontational?

I wish Legal Aid didn't have such a heavy workload already. You sure could use their help. I know that money is tight.

JessieBelle~I (personally) believe it's a bit of both. I realize that this can't be easy on him, watching his father "going" the way he is. I've had compassion for all the "twists/turns" this has taken for year's now. I've tried, to be supportive, kind, loving, understanding & doing the very best I'm capable to do for his father. I told him (tonight) he needs more than what I can do. I again, suggested assisted living place for his father, saying it would be so much (more) benificial than what I'm doing. I said that they're trained & understand the "full spectrum" of this terrible disease his father has. I also mentioned, maybe they would be able to "motivate" him to do, some thing, that he enjoys doing. Again, it was said, "I'm not placing my father into a nursing home;period."

I'm not worried about being homeless, I've been there & done that within my life. However, what I am concerned about, is the toll(s) all of this has taken on my own health. Four packs a day, isn't "heart healthy." Nor is the fact, that I'm always stressed out. The combination of things, well, I'm just "inviting" a heartattack.

I will, as of Monday, start finding out what my (own) legal options are. It's time for me to "take the bully by the horns" & start moving forward with my own life. One can't stay in this kind of enviroment for the duration of whatever's left of my own life. I am, like any one else, entitled to live life, enjoy it, & be happy. Since that's "not an option" within my own current "statis" it's time to "adjust" a few things. I know, deep within my heart, his father's still here, because of all the care I've done for him throughout the year's. Now it's time for me to care about myself & my life.

For legal aide. It's ironic you mentioned that. I called a place, awhile back, & they were booked for a very long time. I guess I'm not the only one that needs to "break the chains" in their own life. I will keep moving forward in the meanwhile.

Good for you! It won't be easy, but it can be done. And yell at your father-in-law. He might even like it and respect you more.

Jinx4740~You're right, it won't be, but it'll be for the best. Yelling is not "my cup of tea." (lol) I did speak louder today, because he acted like he couldn't hear me. I knew he could, so then he tells me I'm "screaming" at him. I just had to roll my eyes, because I'm not the kind/type of individual that "screams" at people;ever. I told him, maybe he should quit acting like he can't hear me, with the exception of meal time. My FIL enjoys the "games" he keeps playing with me. I keep telling him, "games aren't for life, they're for board games, like checkers to be played on." Ooo, the looks (not pleasant one's either) I get from him. Apparently he doesn't care for my response to what he's doing.

I will inqurie, since I've noticed that he seems to do that a lot with me. Is that something common for this disease? To me, it's "continuing" what he used to do with me, because he was trying to "manipulate" me before this happened. IE...like saying to me, "I'll give you money IF you don't say this, that or the other thing." That was at a point in time, where I caught him doing something that he shouldn't have been doing. It just seems to me, his "memory" of how he used to do that is still "in tact" with this current situation. He truly doesn't seem to have (big) memory issues right now, just "misses" some things that have happened within a certain amount of time. Not all of his short term memory is "out of reality" as well. He's able to recall things, when he's asked or someone inquires about a certain event or "time frame" of when "x" happened.

I'm personally just thinking/feeling, he doesn't want to be left alone again. I can understand that aspect of things & because he's older. No one really wants to be left alone for periods of long times. However, thinking that he can "play games" in this house, so he doesn't have to live alone again, doesn't sit well with me.

I've watched him, the last couple of day's, since I've been having him do things for himself. Things like getting his medication & taking it. Yes, I watch/monitor him, so he doesn't take too much, but he knows (exactly) where it is. The one "puzzling" thing to me, is the "absents" of wanting to use the bathroom. He'd rather "dispose himself" in his depends, then get up & use the bathroom. Is that something common with this? I realize, that he will have accidents, because of how this disease progresses. I also understand, that they can/will become more frequent. However, he "grabs himself" & the says he has to use the bathroom. So, is he just not wanting to use the bathroom, knowing he has to go? Is it "easier" to go in the depends for him? Some of the things he does, sends "mix signals" to me. Like I mentioned above.

Fustrated, if your husband is 50+ AARP offers free legal assistance. Or call any Bar Association ask them to help you. Maybe all you need is a paralegal to guide you with forms. If you live in/near a big city the public library librarian may have forms or guide book. Also, if there are court related fees and you honestly can't pay them, tell the court clerk you need a waiver. And here I go with write out plan again. Trust me on this, time is money for courts, lawyers and paralegals, if you are not clear about what you want from them (the first time you talk to them) you will not get what you want from them. Trust me. They are not going to figure out a great resolve for you. That's a luxury for a person with $$$
Fustrated I'm happy to see you are moving pass where you were. Bravo !

Dementia can include SHORT TERM memory loss ( not so much long term) but mote importantly, it is about the loss of reasoning ability, which includes not being able to learn that if you do X, then Y will happen.

You might also think about the fact that just because your husband says you should file for divorce doesnt mean you have to. Why shouldn't he be the one to do it.?

Him divorcing you, after many years of marriage and care gor his father? It plays much better in terms of settlement. Go back and read what i wrote at the beginning of this thread.

I cannot imagine any judge siding with the husband for FORCING you to care for HIS father. Babalou is 100 percent right. Just leave. Let your husband file. Save your money to find your own place. Go visit your county human services and ask them form referrals for low income housing and any other resources they can offer you.

I hate to disagree, but i wouldn't leave. I would stay snd not do the caregiving.

Leaving constitutes abandonment of the spouse. She should stay, not engage with FIL, make him a meal and leave it out. Go for a walk or a drive into town. Or visit with daighter.

But very glad that you're feeling empowered to mske choices.

It's husband and FIL who should leave and go back to the childhood home.

Babylon & Mincemeat I'm gonna jump in and say you are both right with your advice though a little different. Frustrated ya gotta figure out what you want. Do you want finally have freedom and space to make the life you dream of or do you just want to stop doing all the work at home? Maybe you just want the people at your house to acknowledge and appreciate you. You have two house, when the hubby works , you help dad, when hubby is home stay at the other place? Can you and the daughter stay together at the other hihouse? I don't know the laws in your state but in some states if you leave the home you relinquish some rights/bennifts. Can you leave without divorce ( will this effect pension? )

Babylon I have to say I love you understand having authority over oneself.

I thank you ALL for the advice, suggestions & most importantly support!

Okay, I need to clairify a few things here, so that people understand. There's 2 homes. One is his father's & the other one's ours. His father's house, however, has had the water shut off (due to pipes that ruptured in the Winter). The electric & the house, other than the water is still "running." His father's house is an (absolute) disaster. He's never taken care of it & honestly here, it's disgusting. Our home, is where he's been staying & all his care has been given.

For a question that was asked. I want MY life back. That would include, before ALL this occured, to just be happy...by myself. I had (previously) spoke to an Attorney about divorce. When his father got sick, I (felt) things needed to be done for his father, due to his son not being "willing" to take care of him. Now, that his father's, about the "best" he's going to be, I want out of this marriage & out of taking care of his father. My daughter's limited my time, due to all this nonsense, with my granddaughter. It's costing me a lot to continue on this "path." For the divorce aspect of things. I've been told (being honest here-this was year's ago), that it's "cheaper to shoot me than divorce me." Personally, I don't care about the money. It's more about ME being free from doing everything & trying to live (whatever's left of) my own life. My husband, was told tonight, that I refuse to continue to do this any longer/more. His response was "where am I going to get someone at the last minute?" Honestly, I feel like I'm (extremely) trapped in this marriage & with his father.

As previously mentioned, I will be checking into what's avaible for me tomorrow. Right now, I had someone tell me, that I will NOT be eligible for very little, due to being married & his income would have a (serious) barring on anything for myself. I have to get this divorce done & over. Then I will qualify for more help/assistances than I currently do. I need to free myself, from being imprisioned & being (extremely) unhappy with my current sitation(s). My daughter & her husband, will NOT help me nor would they allow me to stay with them. I haven't even bothered to ask, because I already know their answer(s). Sadly, my daughter's more about herself, her life, & her father matters more to her than myself;honestly.

This entire "circumstance" has really taken a toll out on me. I needed a root canal done last month. The tooth's now (becoming) infected & I had to get antibotics, because I'm NOT able to have the proceedure done. The tooth's becoming more (painful) than I can withstand. I can't take his father with me, for that kind of duration. It's just one (extremely good) example of how much I've been suffering, trying to do this for his father.

I will have to see IF I can get some (free) over the phone advice, from a lawyer tomorrow, as to what will happen/occure IF I just leave. I'm not looking for his money, whatever that would be, I just want out of this nonsense. I want MY life to be my own, as well as the choice(s) I make. My health isn't going to improve, with being under the amount(s) of stress I'm (currently) enduring. My husband feels/things that he's got me "trapped like a bird in a cage" with all of this. This bird will (shortly) be flying the coop.

THANK YOU ALL for your time, your posts, & everything else you've (all) done for myself. It's just the "boost" I needed to realize this is TOO MUCH for one individual. My (soon to be X) husband should have listened to me, a long time ago, when I said it's too overwhelming to continue to keep doing this for his father. I will say, I DO (sincerely) apologize for "changing the format" of what this forum & the people in this place are (truly) for. Like I've previously said, some times, people just need to have other's to share thing, within their own (personal) lives, so that they can, not only get ahead, but in my case, realize that it's not my (entire) responsibility to care for someone else's ailing parent. It's sad, believe me, it hurts every time I look at his father & realize he's "not coming back" to the person I remember. It truly, not only hurts the soul, but it hurts the heart;even more.

I've decided that I'm no longer going to be able to do this any more. I feel, sadly, so "ticked off" with his father, that I can feel my "blood pressure rising" as soon as he starts to "stir" in the morning. On top of that, I've been summond for (reserve) jury duty, starting the first of July. While that's never happened before, my husband told me to "turn down the request." You know, you can't just do that. You don't comply, there's fines & possibly jail time for, either not showing or not turning in the paperwork. So on top of everything else, now he's not "thrilled" that I (actually) could be used for a trial, that could go on for weeks. He has no one else to watch/take care of his father. Saying the (very) least here, he's really displeased. I can't control life nor things that happen within it. To me, he's going to have to figure it out, just like me having to figure out what I'm going to need to do, since I can't do this any more. I've also decided, it's now time to discuss things over with an attorney. I just refuse to be imprisioned, any more, than the 5 year's I've done this for them.

His father's just becoming too much. He's "unmotivated" to want to do (anything) for himself, & the games he's playing are too much for me as well. I truly understand that this is a disease, but you can tell, at least with him, when "the lights are on & when they're off." He told me, one can only assume he "slipped" with saying it, that he enjoys being taken care of & having (everything) done for him. Furthermore, he went on to say, that he doesn't want to go back to his house, so will do whatever it takes to stay here. His son was in the bathroom when this was said. So, I asked to have him repeat what he told me. He said he didn't say anything & had no idea(s) as to what I was mentioning. He admitted, later, when his son was gone, that he didn't want to tell his son what he said to me. This is the nonsense/games I have to contend with on a daily basis. Plus, his lack of (never) having a "happy-go-lucky" just adds to how fustrating this truly is;at least for myself.

It's time, that I just quit doing for them & start doing for myself/my life. I just feel the need(s) to "break these chains" that I've been held in for far too long. As it was (kindly) put to me, time to quit enabling people. I'm tired of being forced to do something I don't want to any longer/more. His life has been "spared" due to year's of my hard work & unselfishness. It's time, to be (a bit) selfish with what my life needs as well as my own health. I really need to get into the dentist, as this tooth's not getting (any) better & it won't without treatement.

It's hard, at least for myself, to "want" to be selfish within my own life. I've always believed in giving & doing the right/correct things. I feel, in a way, guilty & torn for wanting more of my own life. I guess it comes to me feeling "extremely used" & used up with this entire situation. Sometimes we just need to do, what we need to do. Now, after 5 year's of doing this, it's time to do what I need to. Once again, thank you (all) for the "shove" in the better direction;for myself. No amount of thank you's will "cut it," but I appreciate it more than I can express.

I have a deep appreciation for all the people within this (particular) field, that do this on a consistant basis. Bless you ALL for what you do, give, & the kindness that you bring into another's life.

Fus, be careful using the jury duty to get away especially with hubby. If you read the form closely there is probably an exemption for anyone that provides care either to a child or someone else that needs the care. You just need to stand up and say "I WILL NOT DO THIS ANYMORE!"

gladimhere~I did notice that & my husband mentioned that as well. However, I'm legally disabled. That hasn't "stopped" my husband from using me to care for his father, while suffering further. I have done that, honestly & my husband doesn't care nor does he want to hear it. Hence why it's time to seek an attorney, file for divorce & get "moving forward" within my own life.

tacy022~I can understand your point of view, but maybe you need to understand/see my point of view. You're right, my enviorment may not be the 'greatest,' but that doesn't mean I've "lost all my marbles" or lost compassion/better judement for someone else's life or what's right/wrong within our society. I think I need to reiterate, it's reserve jury duty. I've not been selected to be on a jury. Even with that being the case, I think that you saying (basically I) would be making a mockery of our judicial system is implying I would (personally) think that it's a joke. I don't believe that anything's a joke, unless it's someone making one to cheer up another. I value life someone else's life, as I believe my life should be valued. That's all I'm going to say about that subject.

I don't know why you say you "feel the need" to restrain yourself from commenting. I have value on other's opinions, comments, or their (personal) thoughts. I wouldn't have come to a place like this, if I didn't want people's thoughts. Good, bad, or indifferent, people have a right to their opinions. I take it & consider both "sides of the coin" when people decide to say what they do. I think that's the fair way to "view" things, since you're not directly speaking/talking to the person.

It's been year's since I've laughed or even enjoyed a good laugh. Yesterday his father was a bit off with his normal routine, but it was nice for a change. For some unknown reason(s) his father started chatting, like a nervous kid, going off to school on their (very) first day. He kept spouting off things, that didn't make (very much) sense or actually none at all. For once, he started making me laugh. I haven't laughed in an (extremely) long time & I'm sure he hasn't either.

It was nice to see him do this for a change, but the "unknown factor" of why he did it, does have me a bit at a loss. It would be nice to see him that way, on a more frequent basis. He seemed so happy for a change. I'll just take the good things when they come & be grateful for them. They're so few & far between as of lately. For a (brief) moment in time, I got to 'see' the man I used to know. While I know it many be awhile, (or sadly not at all), that I will enjoy a laugh with him again, sometimes it (truly) is the little things that (deeply) mean so much.

As anyone has experienced with this tragic disease, or even within life itself. You just gotta hold on to what you can, treasure the memory(ies) of what was, & hold on to hope, that they'll find or come up with a cure. The more I read, the more it's hard to figure out what's going on in his own mind? I just will be grateful for the time we have & will treasure what lies within my heart;for eternity.

Hi "Fustrated", well I must admit I skimmed through this thread and at first I was thinking "she needs to just walk out the door". Well now I went to the last few pages and I see you're getting a divorce. That's good. Your husband is selfish, a jerk, and he's using you. You should just take whatever you can get from alimony and splittng whatever property you own. Ironically I bet that your husband will soon put his father into a Nursing Home, since I bet he wont be willing to take care of him for more than 1 day after you leave. How is the divorce going? Does your stupid selfish husband know you're divorcing him yet?

Just an update, since haven't posted & read last comment.

Things have continued to "land slide" with his father & his behaviour(s) twords myself. He's now refusing to do anything I request from him. He will, however, go eat food when I make/serve it to him. My patients has run it's course with all of this. I'm up to 3 packs a day, which isn't healthy for myself. I was in to see my doctor. I was told, that my blood pressure's high, vitamin D is (excessively) low, & my health isn't doing well. My teeth are getting so bad, because I've needed a root canal (since April) & been unable to get into the dentist, because I don't have anyone else to watch his father. Now, I have a "foul taste" in my mouth & brushing isn't helping. I'm on antibotics Further more, my daughter's having complications with her baby, that's due by the end of this month. She's (again) in the hospital ( 2 time in 2 day's) & they're keeping her until the blood pressure drops. IF it doesn't, they will have to make a decision to deliver my little granddaughter. I'm extremely worried/concerned about her health as well as my unborn granddaughter's health. I was just informed, as I was typing this up, they're inducing my daughter.

So, what I have decided to do is this. I AM moving out. I've found a female, that was searching for a roomy. I have packed, a lot of things up, but haven't moved them out, will be starting tonight. Also, to do "one last favor" to his father, I gave him a shower, shaved him, & gave him a hair cut. I figure, I'd be responsible enough to leave him "fresh & clean." Here's the sad part. He (his son) just told his dad today, that IF I move out, he's "done." Now, that means done living/residing here, which means nursing home. I've tried & done the very best I can for him, but the stress of caring for him is too great to my own health. I feel selfish for saying this;honestly. However, he needs more help than I can do any further. It's hard with everything I have to do, but some how I hope I will make it through (all) of this.

Thank you for your support. *hugs*

Please keep us posted on your new life! Good luck, you're taking a big step!

Just an update for people. Thank you for the replies. (hugs)

So, tomorrow is the day that I (finally) move out of my home. It's "funny" thing about me saying that, it's my home, yet I'm the one being forced to leave it. My (soon to be x) husand told me today, "pack now & leave." He says that I'm the one making the choice to leave, instead of "sticking things out" for the "good" of everyone. It's NOT good for me, my health or my mental health either. His father, has now started closing his eyes when he's asked to do, anything else, but eat his food. His attitude(s) twords myself, further decline. He's become more combative with me. I struggle with understanding this aspect of things. The one that's done the most, saved his life (more than a few times) is the one he treats with (the utter-most) disrespect? All the things I've done for him, over 3 1/2 year's & now to be pretty much forced to move out, is beyond my own comprehension.

To me, his son is the one that should have had him placed into an assisted living place or at very least gotten some kind of in-home care for him, so I wasn't the one being forced to care for his father. His son, didn't even give up coaching football, the past few year's since his father first became sick. He has just forced his care upon myself. Now, that my health has declined & I'm unable to keep up with doing things for him, I'm the "problem." I struggle, truly, how one "justifies" making me the bad person, when his father's still here due to everything I've done to help him.

That brings up, what happened last week to me. My daughter's father was dropping of the grandbaby to my home. He started in on me, saying that my husband's dad is sick & that I should be MORE understanding of him, as well as my husband. That was followed up by, me being the "uncompassionate." I have NO idea(s) as to what my daughter's saying to her father? However, it's not his business to "voice" his opinion(s) when he only has one side of, what's really going on being told to him. My daughter has always been that way. It's truly not what the real/honest truth is of this entire situation. Then, I got hit with, they won't be bringing my granddaughter's around either after I move. That one, I gotta say, really broke my heart.

It further just upsets me, that no matter how good I've tired to be, twords a person that I shouldn't have been forced to take care of (and still am as of today) is "thrown under the bus" extremely quickly. I'm burnt out from all of the care I've provided for his father. It's a difficult pill for me to have to swallow, for me being forced to leave everything behind, just so his son is further able to have his cake & eat it.

His father's health will decline now, even faster, now that he's not going to be given the help that I've done. His son works 2 jobs & refuses to do what's right/necessary for the health & well-being of his dad. He doesn't want to pay someone to come & care for him. Even when I've brought up, that he should check with Medicare, because his dad would qualify for free in-home care. Nothing I say makes a difference. It's is son's way with no "highway" opinions.

Since I don't know, besides checking this posting later on tonight, when I'll be back here, I again appreciate (deeply) all the support that's been given to me along with the (caring) advice. Thank you (all) again for the support! I couldn't have done this without you!

Sad that your husband chose your father over you and that you are the one who is going to have to leave. It sounds like you come from an old style family where a woman is meant to serve and stay quiet. I'd like to kick everyone in the butt for you. I know moving will be hard for you, but I see happiness on down the road. ((((Fustrated))))

JessieBelle~It's his father dear, I don't have parents. I believe it's what his father & his son believe, as far as the old style family comment you made. His father was the worker & his wife stayed at home doing the "motherly things" as I refer to them. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept that I am NOT going to keep being forced to take care of his dad all while my health is (greatly) suffering. It's truly sad, when there ARE more options avaible for his father, yet he refuses to give up anything...but his wife & marriage. I guess having his father is more important, so he can now have everything. However, they're going to be set backs, as he doesn't have any one in place to watch him & as of tomorrow I'm outta here. Time for me to try to recover from things. Already have a dental appointment for a root canal that was supposed to be done back in April. Tooth's gotten worse, an infection has set in (on antibotics now) & have to get myself back into a better state of health.

Thank you, honestly, for the kind comment, the support & the hug. ((((HUGS BACK))))

Fustrated, the "your" was an oops. I knew it was your husband's father. This situation reminds me a bit of when my husband chose his daughter over me. I left, too, and lost everything that I owned at that time except my rabbit and car. Life can be unfair.

Frustrated I know it's hard for you now, but when you're out of there, you can do what's right for you. All of your ungrateful relatives will discover how much you held things together. I don't envy them figuring that out on their own. You should still be able to check in with us at your local library, where there should be free computers. So let us know how you're doing. We get it and we CARE! You've taken some tremendous steps to taking care of yourself and once you're out of there, you're well on your way to a happier and healthier life for YOURSELF! Hugs to you!!! You're an amazingly strong woman!

This will be my last posting for awhile. I deeply thank you for the replies, strength, & helping me;help myself to move forward with my (own) life. You're all strong, amazing, caring, & wonderful people! Thank you!

It's difficult, painful, & upsetting in ways to know that you're not important enough as a person, wife, nor as a mother, for other's to understand how this has (all) been unfair to myself. My daughter & her husband barely speak to me now & tend to ignore me when they're around. They will "shoot the nonsense" with my (soon to be x). I understand, while my (soon to be x) husband wants his father around, for all his own reasons, to have me have to take the "steps" that I currently am is difficult. My daughter, I found this out late last night, will be taking care of his father tomorrow. I find it "funny" that only 1 time was she able to help me out & that was only for a few hours, not an 8 hour day.

I see now, that I'm only useful when other's needed me to "take care of their responsibilites," because I was more or less just avaible. Even someone that knows me, said that I'm just a built-in-babysitter for my daughter & my husband. They don't care about me, just what I'm able/capable of doing for them;making their lives easier, all while burning me out. My daughter & her husband feel "sorry" for my husband, but yet show no compassion or empathy twords what I'm being forced to endure. I guess it's "wonderful" to have "tunnel vision." I will not be seeing my grandchildren I've been informed. Just another "stab" at my heart for all I've tried to do for other's.

I know, his dad will soon start his behaviours with whomever is going to care for him, it's only just a matter of time. I however, am feeling a "sigh of relief" as the time draws near to "exit." I know in my heart, mind & soul that his father's here because of ALL of my own hard work. I know that, while I may have fallen short on many things with him but that he's alive, better health, & been given more time than what his son was (not) doing for him. It's hard for me to comprehend, why the one that's done the most for his father, is the one his father makes up false aligations twords? His dad's really done a ton of damage twords my life. While it may not (always) have been done with "malice intentions," he sure was smiling the last 2 day's when he was told I wasn't going to be caring for him further. He did mention, he's always wanted it to be he & his son. I told him, it will now be that way. It seemed to futher make him (much) happier.

I still struggle with the fact that his father's more important than a 20 year marriage. None the less, I struggle with how one "lives" with making their wife care for their ailing father (for year's) & then can "dismiss her" without even batting an eye? Personally, I think, feel, & believe that I WILL become much stronger as day's pass. I need to "unload & dispose" of all the negitivity that's his father's "placed" in my life & that I've "allowed" it to fester within myself. We can only make ourselves happy & I'm taking a major step in doing just that. While I may not be missed, I will be free to do what I need to do for myself. Too many year's have been lost because his son refused to get help for his dad & give me a break. My one true hope is this. They'll honestly get to understand what taking care of him is truly like, since I won't be around to be helping them out any more. I honestly believe, when he has his day's, it's going to give them "an insight" as to how dealing with someone that has this (tragic) condition can be. They may/might think it's "easy," but truly it's not.

Just an update for people that have been following this.

So, even after I moved out, I keep being "pulled back in" to take care of his father. My daughter, for the last 2 weeks was doing it, but do to the new baby & going back to work, she's unable to watch him for the time that's needed. I told his son, he BEST look into someone coming in & caring for his dad, since this IS too much to keep asking everyone else to do this for him. He refuses to listen to what's being asked of him, he just keeps wanting everyone else to care for his father.

What really bothered me today, truth being told, is again I got the middle finger from him. My daughter was taking care of her newborn, when I simply asked his father to please eat his breakfast over the plate. When I turned around to walk into the kitchen & then came back out my daughter had told me what he did. She laughed, thinking it was funny & said to me, "he doesn't like you very much" because he whipped you off." I guess his father must think it's "funny" because he's constantly been doing this to me. Personally I don't think it's funny nor amusing what so every. The ONE that's been doing the "lion's share of the work," been forced to move out of my house & start filing for divorce.His dad seems to feel/think that he can treat however he wants. I've done much for him, today, as I had to shower him;yet again. I guess, my daughter's been told, by his son, to just have him "wash up his privates" & that's the extent of things. I noticed today, that he's shaffing, badly, due to the depends. I told them to keep applying the lotion on him, that's designed to cut down the redness & the shaffing. No one wants to listen/adhere to what I've said.

I don't want to keep doing this nonsense any more. I've just started to (try) to recover from the year's that I've been left with no choice(s) but to help his father. Now, I'm supposed to "jump back in with both feet?" I just am unable to continue to care for his father, due to all the physical work that's needed for his father. My health isn't well, as I've mentioned before & doing this is (further) taxing my own health. I did, yesterday, call & talk to someone that runs their own in-home care nursing place. They're licensed by the state, so I just need to get his father's insurance information & they'll "review" what he needs on a daily basis.

I'm just thinking, I need to "push" this a bit more, so that people that are paid to take care of someone with his needs;both mental/physically.

I could never, never care for my fil, as he treats EVERYONE the same as yours treats you! Kudos to you for all your effort - enjoy the freedom....

I am the primary caregiver for my father-in-law who has lived with us for over 2 years. My husband can't stand his father any more, so I am often caught in the middle of their verbal exchanges. My FIL is a lovely, well-mannered, English gentleman. He pretends to go along with whatever I suggest (e.g. mouth care, wound care, hearing aids, care of his stuff, activities, etc.) but he then he basically does - or doesn't do - whatever he wants - or doesn't want to do. I could swear he is passively-aggressively trying to drive me bonkers. But I don't think he has the cognitive ability to do that! Any suggestions how to deal with this? In other words, how I can get him to buy in to my suggestions . . . ?

Dector, they will drive you crazy. Sometimes we just have to let it go and let them do whatever, as long as they aren't hurting anything. I only keep on after my mother if something is really important. The rest just isn't worth the aggravation. It makes me feel bad when I have to keep nagging to get something done, so I reserve it only for the important things.