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To my mind you don't have a future MIL problem, but a future spouse problem, and a problem now with your own decision making so far.

You say you moved cross country to live with this gentleman with the intention of starting a family. I wonder if you STILL intend to/hope to bring children into this mess? It shatters me to think that you might do such a thing to innocents.

You say that you love him and don't intend to leave. You say you care about this abusive woman despite her viciousness, despite the fact you only recently met.

That kind of says it all.

You knew going in that this was a very unhealthy dynamic. People usually don't change. It is unlikely this will become more healthy over time. I imagine you know that love is not a cure-all for life's problems.

I hope you will consider pre marital counseling. I wish you well. But the decisions you have made so far are beyond my imagining.

I am unlikely to be able to make suggestions for you, and I find it difficult to sympathize with what you have done, in all truth.

I hope others can help, and will leave your thread to their wisdom. I wish you well.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Exactly!
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I think you know that this woman is batsh*t crazy! My word, pack your bags and leave, the sooner, the better.

Your partner was his mother’s lifeline. Where in the world would she be without him?

He has invested tons of time, energy and money into a doomed relationship. I use the word ‘relationship’ very loosely because it appears that she is only interested in using him.

The same applies to you. She proved that she had no intention of establishing a genuine relationship with you. She dropped you like a hot potato as soon as she didn’t get what she wanted.

She uses power tools with a disability and steals her son’s car. Oh please, if your partner wishes to continue riding on this emotional roller coaster, let him. Wish him well and cut your losses.

You deserve better. You don’t have to stick around to see where this nightmare ends.

If by chance, he decides to ditch his mom and have a life with you, then he can look you up. If you aren’t involved in another relationship by then, maybe you can reconnect if his mom (in name only) is no longer in the picture. If you are already in a new relationship, he may have missed his chance, oh well…
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I completely agree with everyone who says, LEAVE. I bet OP also agrees.

I believe there’s a financial reason OP hasn’t left. It’s the n.1 reason people don’t leave abusive situations. They can’t afford to live somewhere else.
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Get yourself and your cat out of there. Reconsider this whole situation. It doesn't sound safe. Find a way to lock or disable the car so she can't get into it
She's nuts and you are choosing to stay there. Change your mind about that now and do the therapy later to figure out why.
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First: she is NOT your mother-in-law. She is the (crazy, mean, abusive) mother of your boyfriend. Second: get OUT of there and leave him to wrestle with her! You are well on the way to a life of misery if you hang around. “What can we do?” you asked? Well, you know that nothing will ever be good enough for her, that she views both of you as suckers, and that she will drain you both dry before she is finished with her miserable life, which could well last longer than yours. Grow a backbone, and tell this “partner” that he is on his own with this nutcase mama. (As an aside: only children make terrible partners, in general, as they are either “mama’s boys” or “daddy’s girls” that can never (or choose not to) break that umbilical cord and BOLT.) I dated an only child in college, and when he asked me to marry him, I bolted, realizing that his precious mommy would always come first. Smartest thing I ever did! Run, girl!
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I can see no reason to stay with a "partner" who remains enmeshed with an abusive mentally ill parent.

He needs help to disentangle his life from hers. This is not a good footing on which to start a marriage, much less a family.
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OP, he might even calculate and be “wonderful” to you, so he’s not alone dealing with his abusive mom.

If I had a verbally abusive parent towards my husband, I would never put him in that situation. I’d do everything to keep him physically away from the abuse.

Think about it this way OP, wouldn’t you also keep your partner physically away, if the tables were turned? Wouldn’t you feel guilty, or an accomplice in the abuse, if you just let your hypothetically-abusive-mom abuse your partner? You’d separate the two people physically.

Maybe OP, you can’t afford to have your own home. So the deal is, he gives you a roof over your head, and you’re stuck with an abusive MIL.

If you had lots of money, you’d probably rent a place and safely live there. You can still have the relationship. But you’d be free of abuse.

It’s very often a financial reason why someone is stuck getting abused.

If you have money, the solution is simple: rent your own place, free from abuse. Live there alone.
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Scampie1 Jul 2023
Abused people sometimes become abusive themselves. What if down the road his mother dies, and all of that anger he held in so long comes out towards you?

You and your boyfriend need counseling to extract yourselves from this crazy woman. If he doesn't agree to it, then you go or do one of those online therapists (Betterhelp.com) to get some guidance. It may be to your best interest to leave, but don't leave a job until you have another one lined up, signed the papers and gotten a first paycheck.
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OP, be careful. If your partner is so “wonderful”, he wouldn’t put you through this.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Great response!

These are truly wise words. It’s only when someone’s back is up against the wall and they are faced with having to make the really important decisions that we find out what they are made of.

So far, he is flunking the test he has been given. He isn’t protecting her or his relationship with her.
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The house belongs to him? He decides. And you’re not married to him; you have little rights.

Just be aware that: living with an abuser (MIL), you’ll just get more and more abused. She’ll never stop. After the first sign of disrespect towards you, she’ll just do more and more; every year worse. She wants you to break down. She wants to torture you. That’s what abusers do. They know they’re cruel and THEY DON’T CARE.
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If she ever hits you, call the police and have her removed and tell them she is no longer welcome in ur home.

Do not start a family until she is out of the picture. This women has a mental illness that you can't fix. Your boundries are yours but she will try to step over them.

Its going to be hard but you need to get her out of the home. Or you get out of the home and tell her she is not moving with you. She will need to find a place of her own. I would move, then call APS, on a phone that will not be traced back to you, tell them there is a vulnerable woman living at that address. Maybe pay a months rent and utilities. That gives her and APS time to find her help. There are HUD apartments that charge rent by scale. With the help of APS, she can be set up for food stamps and other resources.

How old is she? Does she get Social Security Disability? If not, what is the money she gets from the State? Supplemental income? (SSI)
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ventingisback Jul 2023
I don’t think it’s her home.
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