Caring for elderly parents is so similar to raising children. Don’t you agree?

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Caring for elderly parents is so similar to raising children. Don’t you agree?

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When raising my kids, I had a beautiful poster that had a lovely picture of Noah’s Ark in my home.

I love art, so I was attracted to the lovely image of the huge ark with all of the animals. I also love nature and was attracted to the beautiful depiction of the animals but what made me buy the poster was the message of the inscription on it which was, “We’re all in the same boat...So, let’s keep it afloat!” How true, right? I framed the poster and I loved it.

The message resonated with me deeply. I used it as a visual image to relay to my children that we were a team.

I raised my children to know that parents and children need to work together.

It’s also how I am desperately trying to make this current group of people who are caring for my elderly mom succeed as a team which consists of myself with doctors, nurses, rehab facilities, home health, social workers, family members, whoever is involved in caring for her as a team.

I am finally accepting that I simply cannot do everything alone for mom and relaying that to her as lovingly and best as I can.

Parents rely on us just as our children did and while it’s very similar in one way, it’s vastly different in other ways.

It takes awhile for some of us to catch onto this message. Many of you tried to explain this to me!

Sometimes we miss things due to being overwhelmed, afraid to feel we failed after trying so hard, maybe even some pride, whatever the case may be...who knows?

It’s trial and error. It’s individual and has to be tailored to our own needs. There isn’t always a simple solution to things. There are so many variables.

Kids and elderly parents are sometimes impatient, can be demanding, stressful and exhausting.

I sometimes feel that aging parents actually expect more than our young kids did. Seems like we are able to explain things more easily to children than aging parents. Some parents have extremely difficult challenges, special needs. Some caregivers have the same with ALZ.

We needed breaks from our kids which made us better parents in the long run in order to be refreshed and refueled. The same is true for caregivers of the elderly. One huge difference for me is that we ourselves are getting older and have our own concerns with health, finances, etc.

What are your thoughts on this? I’m curious to know how others feel. Where am I on point and where am I off base?

All answers are welcome, not just deep thinkers like me, be sarcastic if you wish. I have those days where I feel like I don’t give a rat’s a**! Be funny if you like, some things elderly people do make me crack up, even if it’s sad. Some caregivers are extremely funny. A sense of humor is important. Be sweet and melt my heart.

Answer any which way you like. In other words, just be yourself. Be sincere.

Also, how do others feel about outside support, professionals who care for the elderly? Do you feel it’s a calling for some?

Or do you feel it has become more of a ‘money making’ business? Let’s face it, aging care, just like child care for working parents has become a huge ‘profitable’ business for most. From what I have seen there aren’t near as many ‘non profit’ companies.

I know that I have tons of questions. Just chime in where you feel you would like to contribute to the discussion. Thanks!

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I cared for my dad and my mother until their death. My mother had vascular dementia. As a child developmental specialist, I often used many of the strategies with them as I used with young children. The big difference was that while children learned and developes higher level skills over time, the aged person with dementia does not. Even so, strategies such as consistent routines, breaking down skills into small steps, reinforcing approximations, giving choices, visual prompts and positive reinforcement made for happier times. Natural consequences did not work, however. Often my mom could do something successfully one day but not the next. Coming to grips with the onset and progression of dementia in my precious mother was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Thankfully, my dad passed without having dementia and before my mom was afflicted

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That’s it. Always a challenge, right?

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Well, I typed up a somewhat long answer, stating my total disagreement. Tried to change it around a bit, but accientally deleted it. So I'm giving that up, and saying it in a more metaphoric way. Raising kids and caring for elders with dementia are both like having a pet lizard; One is a gecko and the other is Godzilla.

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Doing,

Wow! Great response! Love it!

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Well, they may act childish but that’s where the similarity ends! You are attempting to train your kids to be good adults. Here , at least with my mother, it’s just dealing with lifelong bad attitudes and trying to give her a good quality of life while she fights every decision tooth and nail . No opportunity for a time out for unwanted behavior there 😂!

But I love the staff at my mother’s ALF. She’s been in an independent facility ( good also but not as challenging for them) , rehab( mostly awful, refused to give us information or listen to anything we told them, definitely oriented towards in for the money) a respite care( only in it for the money, extremely understaffed, refused any communication, took some of her meds ie horror story although her actual aides were gems even though forced to work double shifts daily)
i think it starts at the top. This ALF has a philosophy that” this is the residents home, we serve them if you don’t agree get another job.” At first I was skeptical, but so far ( 6 months and lots of turmoil from mother) they have gone over and above. I have never been treated with an attitude, even though due to her dementia some weeks I have to call them almost daily for something. They are wonderful not only to the residents but also know ALL the family including the grandkids and great grandkids by Name!!! I don’t know how they do it. They also are willing to keep her in ALF instead of Memory Care as long as possible which is less money and more work for them. I know some places would place her there now, instead they apply some of the same techniques but in ALF. She seems to be doing as well as can be expected with her set of circumstances.
So yes, I think it’s a calling to some but I think it starts at the top. It’s a huge money making industry but imo their dedication to a caring philosophy is of major importance.

Now the kicker, my mother has NPD so only admits she likes it to the staff and my daughter. I’m the black sheep and do not let her manipulate me so she barely acknowledges my existence unless she needs something and does not confide in me. She cries and moans to my mostly absent sister and brother but that’s to manipulate them . My sister (NPD as well), thinks the place is overpriced( it’s a few hundred more) But pretty much anyone in a service industry is dirt to her so I kind of figure it’s her personality rather than legitimate complaints. My brother could not care less as long he can pop in for an hour every few weeks and he does not have to do anything else lol. So some definitely have it in them, some don’t

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Jammer,

Yep, they do act childish, kind of like a second different sort of senior citizen childhood. I sincerely hope I die before I hit that point in my life. I get so scared that my kids will view me like that and it really depresses me. I don’t want them to be burdened by me.

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This is not a direct answer, but a memory that was sparked by this thread. One of the similarities with child-rearing that I experienced with my Mom was not between me and her, but from outsiders who talked about her as if she were not present. At one point, when Mom and I were enjoying playing a Bingo card together at a large Bingo game (her weekly “treat”), the person across from us said something like how patient I was and they certainly would never want to be such a burden to their children. I could have slapped her if it weren’t so socially inappropriate. :-). I truly don’t think it had occurred to my Mom that she was a burden (since she wasn’t - at least at that stage of the game). But it pretty much ruined her focus on the Bingo game and kept me busy trying to find additional ways to demonstrate how much I still enjoyed her company. Another example, too, of how comments that carry an emotional wallop tend to be remembered - Mom mentioned it several times over the next few days. So sad how insensitive others can be.

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That is really awful. If people would only think before they speak!! So sorry that happened. We all are given trials and are made stronger from the harder times. Our parents cared for us so it really is natural tendency to care for them also. I do not like the word the bingo player said. It just isn't that at all.

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Yes and no. In both cases, it requires an extraordinary level of patience, love, worry, problem solving and hands-on care. But on a psychological/emotional level, it couldn't be any different. Raising a child is hard work, frustation then triumph as each developmental milestone is reached with the goal of independence. Your child, step by step becomes more competent, and as their parent, you call the shots. While caring for an elderly or infirm loved one, skills that allow for independence are taken away. This person you are caring for has lived a full life, raising a family, working, possibly laying their lives down for their community and country. And that rich experience and history lives with them always no matter how many things that happen in their last years try to chip away at their dignity. It is easy to think of caring for them is like caring for a child. My advice is that we shouldn't think of them as children because at some point, it is entirely up to us to honor and protect their rich experiences especially when they can't. It should be first and foremost in our minds.

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Yeah, just venting for most of us. All sorts of thoughts pop in our heads!

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You nailed it. I went to bed last night, exhausted, not getting cleaned up and leaving the room I have in a house shared with my elder parents undone. That was after a weekend that blurred into one long cleaning fest doing laundry and cleaning and allowing them to go first in spite of my agenda. My locked room has become the lockbox for all things important taking up valuable real estate for me considering it is 100 sq feet. Last night Dad, who is deaf, sat feet away from the flasher on the phone ignoring it when the beloved out of state sibling called. I ran down to grab it (captioned phone). He had such a lovely chat with the good daughter who has never lifted one finger to do one task for them. No cooking, no cleaning, no vacuuming, floor steaming, laundry including scrubbing poop out of nightgowns or undies to keep them from the landfill and needing to be replaced. So I woke up thinking we should have a national day, with greeting cards from Hallmark and American Greetings, to recognize the siblings who do nothing, and I'm still working on the texts. For the 364 days we hold it together and aren't bitter or angry. (Okay, so maybe it's 360 LOL). I'm also thinking of why it is so hard to find good people to help. I was shocked, as a professional, at the way I was treated as a potential customer by several home care companies. When I found what I still believe to be a good one, we got what I thought was a great aide. But here I am exhausted after we paid $80 for a 3.5 hour visit. Oh, it would have been 4, but I was stressed and had to work an extra 1/2 hour so just had her come a 1/2 later so I'd be home to let her in. She shows virtually no initiative in caring for mom. One must spell it all out which is also, mentally, exhausting. Sweep the kitchen floor and front hall must have been not heard, so there I am sweeping yesterday. Asked her to make a bed and the single sheet and blanket on top...long on one side, short on the other, alternating. And this woman was an ICU nurse they tell me...And yes right on about the coordination of care. It is a full time job. EVEN just making a damn appointment, between being on hold and computer issues becomes a 45 minute undertaking. So many times I think of quitting my job (which holds a pension) but I would so damage my future survival, being spouseless, and with my only sibling feeling she will never need help and out of state...I don't know how we do it...but I hope we learn to do it better and have more cost-efficient, vetted help to do it. It's an outrage that these companies have 4 hour minimums. People cannot afford that. I'm sorry to be sounding bitter, but per your poster, I don't think we are in this together, we're in an uphill battle.

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Uphill all the way!

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I don't agree

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With what?

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I compare raising children to raising elderly parents mostly when taking them out in public. Upon arrival at a store or restaurant, they immediately have to use the bathroom. When you are looking elsewhere for one second, they will suddenly go from dragging their feet to moving swiftly away from you, causing you to frantically search for them. Calling out to them does no good - the kids ignore you and the elderly can't hear. They want things that make no sense and tantrum until they either get them, or wear themselves out. With kids it's usually toys or candy. With adults, its the 10th pair of black pants because people keep "stealing them" or the 50th bottle of hand soap they have purchased in a month because you can never have too much (yes, you can).

They make loud tactless comments in front of strangers "look how fat that lady is!" that embarrass the daylights out of you - especially when you know that they know better. They order food in restaurants they have no intention of eating, resulting in a doggie bag that you eventually throw out because they don't like leftovers. They leave things in public places that necessitate a flying trip back to get those items - with kids its a blankie or stuffed animal, with the adults its a purse, eyeglasses or cane.

They will pick an argument just for the fun of it, shooting down every bit of logic you come up with. They will demand to go places with you even though you know they won't enjoy it and have no interest in it and you'll end up having to leave the place earlier than you wanted because "they're tiiiiirrrreeeddd." No temperature is right for them - kids are too hot, elderly are too cold. If you even TRY to verbally correct them, some do-gooder who has never had the pleasure of dealing with either children or the elderly will accuse you of heartless abuse. They always get hurt after you've told them a million times not to put their fingers there, or walk there, or reach for something over head. Parades, movies, and fireworks displays are a nightmare because someone taller never fails to sit directly in front of them and they "caaaannn'tttt seeeeeee!"

Anyone else rolling their eyes and sighing right now?

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Such a great description! And yes, I’m sighing and nodding and trying to focus on the humor of the situation as well as you are doing! Thanks for the cathartic post.

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I learned to take snacks for my mom who had Alzheimer's, and to take a change of clothes for her, if we went out, (due to occasional incontinence issues). Sound familiar? It's the same thing that you do for kids, but there are some differences in other areas, aren't there? With kids, you can lock a door so they can't get out; with my mom, she was quite capable of storming out the door, (sometimes in a storm). With kids, if they don't behave, you can take away a privilege, like watching TV, but you can't do that with a parent. We took care of my mom for 5 year and 3 months. I even wrote a book about it: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Sometimes caregiving responsibilities take on various forms, and we just have to juggle our responsibilities the best we can, don't we?

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I really thought day to day tasks were so routine but your perspective makes me realize, its similar!! But never the same day twice!!:)

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Yes, absolutely. My dad is like a toddler, I have had to go back in my mind when my kids were little and remember the techniques I used back then to deal with my dad. Dementia or no dementia, it's no reason for him to treat people like c&ap and say mean things. I don't tolerate it. I also don't tolerate him constantly demanding people pay attention to him when it's not just him and me one-on-one. He always wants to be the center of attention and gets upset when other people are talking and aren't paying attention to him. There is something that happens nearly every time we're together.

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I have the same problem. My husband needs constant attention and won’t let others talk. What do you do? I haven’t found a solution.

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I have three grown children and it was a joy and a challenge to take care of and raise them-there is a positive and proud since of accomplishment and outcome with children.
I'm taking care of my 57 year old sister-she has cirrhosis and hepatic encephalopathy (toxins have gone to the brain because the liver doesn't function/filter right.) We are 10 years apart and she pretty much raised me. I feel very overwhelmed with the situation. I never thought I would be taking care of my sister this way. I have to remember that what's done is done. I can't continue to be angry and disappointed. We take it One Day at A Time and make the most of the time we have. There is a reason I am taking care of her! I'm doing everything to allow her to live with as an adult with dignity and respect and allowing her to be involved with decisions when she is able. I will continue to stay positive and for her the best way I can. It's very hard to see a sibling dying; I feel it is more expected with a parent.
Try to remember it is very hard and stressful taking care of them-but they also took care of you :)

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everyone should be blessed to have a sister like you:-)

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One of the downsides of living in this current age is the medical advances made so that we live a good deal longer than we use to. I know that in the case of my mom and step dad, both would have died many years ago had it not been for modern medical procedures like heart bypass and electronic implants to regulate the heart. Along with various medicines we have helped our parents to live well into their 80's, 90's and longer more of us are having to face the issues involved in taking care of a parent who can no longer take care of themselves. The down side is that the quality of life has a tendency to decrease both for parent and caregiver. It's one thing to live to be 90. It's something else to be able to enjoy life at the point in time. It is a reality of modern life that we have to deal with. With doctor assisted suicide becoming legal in more and more states, one has to wonder if more caregivers will find a way to use this to rid themselves of the responsibility of full time care of an elderly mom or dad.

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Like rising children except in reverse. It makes you sometimes wish we came with an on/off switch. When things get too bad, turn us off.

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The main difference is that children grow up to become independent (unless the child is disabled in some way). The elderly will continue to decline and require more and more care with the passage of time.

Also, it's easy to diaper a 20-pound toddler - but difficult to diaper a 170-pound adult male.

Complicating the issue is that when our parents become elderly and require care, we may be in senior-hood ourselves facing our own health concerns. (I've known a lot of 70-year-olds caring for parents in their 90s.)

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It's no easier being a working 60+ year old caring for two parents in the 90+ and 100+ range!

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It's far worse. They are dead weight and do not help; in fact, they often pull against you when you try to clean them.. Try cleaning their poop and urine in bed and see what I mean. You never lived until you disimpact your own mother's bowels to dislodge a stool so round and hard it is unable to pass. I would say it is a thousand times worse.

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cetude,

Wow! Just wow. You are a SAINT!

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Your topic interests me. It feels very simular to raising a child ! She asks for my permission to do things. She is not self assured. This puts me in a parent position. It was hard for me to step into these shoes. As I do not have children !

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Yes, while standing on your head and doing backflips.

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Charles,

Amen! A few cartwheels too!

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I guess I'm different - I compared it to taking care of a child. A learning experience for me and definitely trial & error.

But I never had children and taking care of my loved ones was not a chore for me and while it was a responsibility, it was no more a responsibility than taking care of a child. The roles become reversed with the elderly and I was glad to be able to give back some of the love that I had received as a child.

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Yes Ray. It's a learned love for me. Full of compassion & acceptance.

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Not the same at all. Children are fun and interesting. The elderly are worn out, many times grouchy. People choose to have children to love and care for. Lots of times taking care of an elderly person is the last thing we want to do. It’s done more out of a sense of duty than a desire to do so.

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I agree with you Becky. It is not a fun experience for me. It's a duty. Of which I am willing most of the time.

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More often than not raising a child leads to a wonderful and fulfilling outcome. A person who learns, matures, loves and most importantly lives. Taking care of a parent with Alzheimer’s inevitably leads down a sad road to a sad ending. Regardless we must try to treat our parent with dignity and love just as they did us as their child. Through the good and the bad times.

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Be aware that not all parents were skilled and did not always treat their children with dignity and love.

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Not the same for me. Raising and looking after my children was a joy and still is even though they are adults. And I love looking after my grandchildren too. My mum, However, is a totally different story. She moved in with me 2 and a half years ago and her behaivour and negativity sucked the life and joy right out of me. I ended up with awful depression and had to have counselling. She is still with me, aged 93, and is not so bad now but I know I have changed and not for the better. My daughter says that all the time I have been caring for my mum she has lost hers. She just wants her mum back but I can't actually remember how I used to be now as I feel my mum has brainwashed me to be negative and depressing!!! It's awful and I really feel now that she will outlive me as she has damaged my health so much.

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I hope things get better. I know how hard it is. Ive dealt with burnout recently and I only thought I knew what it was.....until I really did!! Dark black hole depression, exhaustion, and hopeless. Luckily, Im feeling better. This too shall pass!! It will change, and your daughter will get her mom back. I think this time does "change" us, but we grow and become stronger also. Taking the good with bad I suppose. Prayers and hugs!! Your not alone and we'll get through this, I promise:)

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Kids can learn, elders don't.

Kids become independent, elders rely on us more and more.

Etc etc

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So true!

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Eh as a parent I am qualified to say that raising children isn’t always joyous and can bring upon horrendous anxiety. My parents can tell you all about it.....as a teenager my brother put them through hell.

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Mine too. My brother was a nightmare to mom and dad.

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No I don’t agree it’s the same..just the opposite. Children grow up & become independent..hopefully, unless it’s a disabled child that has to be in a wheelchair...elderly dementia patients get violent & combative. Changing adult diaper vs little babies...turning & using bed chucks for adults...if elderly dementia patients can’t walk, using Hoya or stand assist lift , but children who don’t walk yet...carry them; they are portable & light. Elderly dementia parents cognitive decline & children can grow up as young adults & go on to college. Raising children joyous...caring for elderly dementia parent pure hell.

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Very true, I do acknowledge some things are vastly different. I can’t help but feel there is a role reversal where we are parenting our parents. It’s very difficult. Yes, the point you make about special needs children is so true.

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So right about elders being more difficult than little ones😂😂

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Absolutely!

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Hired caregivers in our area are the least-educated and least-skilled among job seekers. They have discovered through the grapevine that they can get a job with an agency by simply talking in an interview about how much they care about seniors, even if they don't. So, why do they want the job?
1. Their boss is NEVER there to see what they do, or don't do, not even on their first day.
2. If there's no adult child around, it's a completely autonomous and relatively unmonitored job situation.
3. most likely there will be free food
4. often there is free wifi
5. often there is cable tv and time to watch it

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Interesting...good response. Some are great! Some are awful. Yes, supervision helps but adult children need the break out of the house while the caregiver is there.

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Alas, my 6 year old has more consideration for others than my elderly Dad :-(

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true, Paul! And we can't correct or reprimand them because strangers will act appalled that we aren't respecting our elders or showing respect to veterans.

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It is comforting to know I am not alone in feeling like parents are more of a challenge. I am single and do not have children,so I feel it's ironic that I now have this responsibility. I'm very much tied to home and manage my hours around them. More often I feel like a short order cook and maid rather than a daughter. They don't get along and making one happy makes the other angry. My mother wants everyone to wait on her..but she doesn't extend a courtesy to anyone and her response when confronted is "I didn't ask you to." I am not sure I love them.. Maybe I do because I'm still here, making one day at a time.. But I will understand that at the end of their life that hopefully they will be more at peace then they are now. Thankful that I don't have any children that I would have passed this sad way of living to.

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I feel your frustration, do we do this out of love, duty or conscious😫

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I can see some big differences. First, legal issues - elders have the right to do stupid things, until and unless they are declared legally incompetent. Guess who generally has to clean up the mess? You really don't have the legal control you have with minor children.

And, generally, kids know they aren't adults, with adult control of money, life choices, etc... So often, elders have to gradually give up various things they have been doing for years, as competencies decline. Denial, big time, of the new reality.

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Wonderful points!

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I think there are definite similarities as well as big contrasts between caring for elderly loved ones and children. My dad acted like a spoiled child/teen much of the time. Tantrums, making messes, throwing things, refusing to eat his dinner, etc. Going to social media and lying about his situation for sympathy attention. The self-centeredness (couldn’t be bothered to see me or my children for a decade, now complains we don’t visit).

Here’s where it vastly different for me. I have a son with disabilities. He’s 15 and will live with me until one of us dies or I become too incapacitated to do so. I’ve recently decided to homeschool him as well. AND I WILL HAPPILY DO IT! Because that’s my son, my baby. It’s taken a massive village to get him to this point, will continue to need that village. I would take his daily life of screaming hours-long meltdowns, not sleeping, getting into everything before the diagnoses and therapies....than take my father back in. Because that’s my baby!

I’ve been questioned why I would choose to take on my son’s homeschooling and lifetime care after finally getting my dad out of my caretaking purview. Again, he’s my baby, I would happily take care of him to my last breath. Yes, it’s a lot of work even with a child with disabilities, but I made him, carried him, nursed him. He’s so sweet and so fun.

I will never care for any other adult than my son ever again. Maybe I’m just not cut out for elder care.

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I got you. Same with my nephew who lived with me years ago, had autism. I loved helping him learn how to talk & use toilet, eat different textures of food, control his anger. But with mother, I was forcing myself every time I went to do chores, or shop or give her a ride somewhere...cuz of our early relationship. I never felt ok around her. (Yet I easily cared for my neighbor with dimentia). I wish it were a better story. Not proud of it.

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Caring for elderly parents is so similar to raising children. Don’t you agree?

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