Caring for incontinent relative making me smell at work despite best hygenic efforts. Job in jeopardy. Any advice?

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It reminds me of a situation where a coworker of mine (who happened to be MY supervisor) and who was pretty high up in the chain of command and always gave the appearance of being totally in charge, neat as a pin, nice clothes, hair well kept, etc...and as I got to know her better she asked me one time to pet sit for her...just going over daily to feed and change their water only ...while she and her husband were away for a week...I love animals and she was a very sweet person, so of course I did it...She told me if I could come over one evening prior to their leaving she would show me where everything was....I had never been to their home before.

Well, I got there...and she had 40+ cats.....Believe it or not, I have been involved in rescue all my life, and know a lot of people with that many and more and there is never an issue because it is managed correctly...Once I walked into her home, I almost passed out...They had a beautiful huge home and there was

oops...don't know what happened there...I will just say use your imagination if you dare, and know that on top of being mortified...I was also so concerned for her and her husband, who had significant health issues (of course) but those cats were living in hell...and so were they....I remember trying to get help for her and she got really angry at me and anyone else...several people called the city and no one did anything because they knew people who worked for the city..animal control wouldn't get involved...I could write an entire book on this...but it was horrible from every angle...When they went on vacation, I brought a car load of cleaning stuff and spent an entire weekend scrubbing, cleaning, boiling water, bleach, you name it I tried it and there was NOTHING that even made a dent in the mess...even the cats food bowls had not been cleaned in forever...it broke my heart...and it boiled down to the smell was not only in the carpet, furniture, the stuff, etc. it was literally IN THE DRYWALL AND FRAMING...also the attic insulation. I'm not saying your situation is like this, but depending on how long it has been going on, it could be that the odor is in the drywall too...but the carpet and upholstered items definitely would more than likely need to go..and I agree this is what cleaning companies do, so if they won't, they're not really knowledgeable enough on what needs to be done...but it could be for everyone's health sake, an assisted care facility for MIL might be the best course of action... retraining someone that age is going to be really hard...and if she's been living this way a long time, it may be more than you need to take on....

Well, PoetStorm, I don't know what you have gotten yourself into but I started to answer your question but there are so many good answers here that I would just be saying the same thing. But from the description of your MIL and husband, you've become the "slave" to both of them and it's time to stop. If I were you, I would just MOVE into my own small apartment, take care of myself, do what is suggested to get the urine smell out of your hair, clothing, shoes, etc. and tell hubby it's his job to take care of his mother now. You've retired and he can't come live with you until he cleans up his act. You've done enough to become a saint and you don't deserve to be strapped to this pair any longer like oxen on a yoke. Get out of this situation that no one in that house cares whether you are there or not. It's not your job to do what you've been doing. Take care and good luck.

I earlier mentioned the health effects of living in this environment.

Here's something else to consider. Ammonia is harsh and can damage eyes. Do some research and read how dangerous it can be.

I can't even imagine how much your corneas must be affected from all the ammonia from the urine in that house.

I agree with Terry, it's hard to extract yourself sometimes, but there may be no other alternative if your job is on the line. Sadly, no matter how much you clean and clean and clean, even throw away, if folks are determined to actually LIVE IN that...it's going to be a battle you can't win...I know....after all my effort at helping my supervisor/friend...and all that time spent scouring, scrubbing, disinfecting. cleaning windows and such...I was asked to pet sit again in about a month...and went back to find it in the same exact condition...you could not tell I had done one thing...she even had a new kitten that had a horrible health issue...I begged her to let me have him...she didn't want to let him go..I told her I really needed him because he reminded me of one of my senior kitties... ( didn't need another cat) but she let me have him...poor thing had a LOT of health issues...a horrible eye infection...a hernia in his tummy that was about to rupture, etc...I saved him and still have him to this day...but I know absolutely all his troubles were brought on by the filth in that house....and that's not fair to anyone or any pet..someone about mentioned pets..and I agree, if they have them need to be rehomed..otherwise they too will perish...take care of yourself....having seen it first hand as have many of the folks on here, I'm truly concerned for your well being...

PoetStorm, just curious if your Mom-in-law was like this when you were dating your hubby before you married him? Or is this a recent development, like in the past year or so? Did you know you were going to work TWO JOBS before you got married? One outside of the house to bring home funds, and one inside the house cleaning up after your hubby's mother?

Just curious if your Mom-in-law is jealous that her son got married and she is doing everything to try to make you leave her son?

I agree with CWillie's post, items from a household bringing to your own home can carry that odor for quite some time. I gathered up all my Dad's 3-ring binders regarding his financial papers and placed them in my home office.... oh my gosh, the smell that was in my parents house is now in my home office. I am going to try to clean the 3-ring binder covers to see if that helps.

Food can cause a person to smell, we are what we eat. I noticed that since my Mom is now in long term care for the past two months, my parent's house smells better. Mom at 97 could no longer keep up with the cleaning and refused outside help. I know the Caregivers are doing a great job keeping the house aired out and clean... and we have tossed out all the dairy products that my Mom use to buy because my Dad is lactose intolerant... now Dad smells so much better as the lactose was doing a number on him :)

Here's an idea, keep at your desk at work Huggies Natural Wipes or something similar and when you get to work, grab a couple of the wipes, head for the restrooms and run those cloths over your arms, neck, etc. See if that helps. And have hubby take the car to one of those car washes that does a thorough cleaning because the house odor will be transferred to the car, too.

ff....yes, heaven help us...the odor does transfer to the car, the clothes, the everything...when I cleaned my friends house, I left a garbage bag at the front door, and carried those rubber type washable shoes to wear in her house...I left the shoes outside, stepped inside, stripped down completely and put all those clothes in that bag and tied it up and then touched nothing til I got in the shower and scrubbed myself down...I am still haunted that I didn't do more for her cats...I tried...I spent a lot of money taking them to the vet buying her all kinds of stuff, talking to her about it..and calling the "people in charge"...it's a sickness...and she was a sweet person...but I think just clueless to her surroundings because she had lived in them for so long....

If you cannot afford to move out think about going to a women's shelter for now. Living under the conditions that you are is untenable. It is unhealthy for you emotionally and physically. I agree that cleaning the carpets will not do it - they need to be removed and the whole house "sanitised" and practices changed and/or mil moved to a facility. I also agree that retraining your mil seems unlikely to be successful since she has been like this a long time and is bipolar but not well treated. It does appear to be a you or her situation. Removing yourself from the house and wearing only well cleaned clothing will at least establish if the odour comes from you or the house. If from the house, do not agree to move back in until there have been significant changes. Seeing a therapist to help you find out why you have tolerated this so long and figure out solutions would be wise. You need to set some boundaries. You need that job for your own survival.

I'm just wondering if something has actually died in the house, maybe rats or mice under the floor boards. Hope I'm not sure if there's anything you can do about cat hoarders. The woman across the road must have 40 or more now, all unfixed, no shots. She used to let them run everywhere and leave food out which brought coyotes to kill them. She now keeps most all inside.

She hides in her house, praying and reading the bible, going out once a week when her hubby takes her grocery shopping, has no family and no friends. Unfortunately our houses are opposite each other with not another house for a mile and she spies on me all day long - must have binoculars as she sent me a nasty email, quoting the scriptures and telling me to stop watching tv ... What!!! Of course all drapes on the front of this house are kept closed after dark and I do whatever I'm doing out back. She hasn't actually spoken to me for more than two years since one day she was screaming at me, quoting the scriptures and jumping up and down ... I snapped and threw her off my front lawn. Of course she's mentally ill. I keep to myself but my concern is for those poor cats.

Ashynne, I assume if you reported her to the Canadian ASPCA she'd be over in your front yard hollering and yelling at you? Still, I can't help thinking that those cats cannot be in good health with so many of them in the house. She sounds like a really unstable person.

First of all, she is probably getting dementia or something. You need to sit and talk with her and try and change things. If shes as stubborn as all our moms, it wont work but you need to do somethingasap. $1800 a month? If you have that kind of money, create a budget or take out a charge card and hire someone to do a top to bottom cleaning. After all, if you lose your job, theres no money. Your mother in law must get at least social security. Take everything to the laundrymat and have them clean it, I mean blankets, curtains, everything!. Meanwhile remove all rugs and put down laminate flooring which is a breeze to go over with a swiffer nice smelling wet mop. At that cost, I would hire someone to do my laundry and clean the floors weekly after that. You can do it, but you have your hands full. When I bedbathe my Mom, I crack the window open. The diaper gets thrown out immediately in a tightly sealed bag right out her window into a trash can below. Once shes in her wheelchair, I roll her to the kitchen, put on her ceiling fan and bombard her room with lysol and shut the door. I do this every morning. Every 3-4 weeks I clean all sheets , blankets, and curtains and I wet wash her laminate floor weekly. I do the same in the bathroom. I am killing myself with laundry myself. I change moms bedpads all the time and her nightgowns, etc. I have a never ending pile in my basement of laundry. Recently my husband said why are you killing yourself trying to keep up, throw it all out, lol ! Well I did the next best thing. I took 12 trash bags of sheets, blankets, curtains, and nightgowns to the laundrymat. The woman there was so nice and I told her to take her time. Less than a week later it was done. Yup it cost me $192 but guess what, its on a new shelf now in my basement all folded and wrapped in beautiful thick clear bags. Best thing I ever did! 3 weeks later I had 1 trash bag full, including large turning pad, etc and it cost me $20.40 to have them wash, dry , fold and pack it up! Wow! The woman wrote "medical" on the slips because it wasnt clothing, just my moms stuff mostly and she said I can take it off my taxes. So do a massive cleaing. Take a shower every mornings and put on clothing you have in a clean air spot. I use dryer sheets in drawers, etc for nice smelling clothing. Good luck, I hope you keep your job!

PS get your OWN washing machine, do not use the same one! I wash out any urine that might happen BEFORE it goes into the machine. I use white towels only and bleach it all in hot water each time.I bet your clothing does smell like urine if you are sharing a machine. Put bleach or color free bleach, and vinegar into the washer.

GA she wouldn't open the door if the OSPCA or anyone that turned up as she's afraid of the outside world. She knows I know their wood stove isn't certified, they don't have a permit for it and their dog has no tag or shots. She also knows I spent my whole career working with the legal profession so that lot should keep her at bay. I'm sure there are nutbars everywhere but in cities, with so many people, you don't notice them.

I know this isn't helpful, but I need a barf bag after reading all this. When my mom soils anything with pee or poop, I do a pre-wash in bleach and laundry soap, then I re-start the wash and add more soap and other clothes. Most washers have a pre-wash setting. However, if she has soaked the carpeting to the point that it reached the padding underneath, it has to go, and whatever is underneath has to be cleaned with bleach. Either way, I think you need to get out of this situation.

I had the household smell problem when I had an elderly cat that had accidents. I had to replace the carpeting. Also, don't wash those towels with anything else. Use a washing machine cleaner as well. An odor might be coming from inside the washer and getting into your clothes. When I clean cages at our humane society I change shoes outside and wash all of my clothes immediately. I can't speak to her unwillingness to clean up after herself. Is it possible that she has some kind of dementia? It is possible that she's beyond living at home on her own. Maybe she needs assisted living. She might need more help than your are able to give..Hugs. Just some thoughts.

Having worked in medical and social service fields for many years, I can only reiterate what many have said, that there needs to be some life-changing intervention. For everyone. The home situation at all levels (odor, mess, etc.), individual health re-evaluations for all three adults, and coordination with outside sources all seem imperative to allow the three of you to start to go forward from here, instead of spinning your wheels. Perhaps if your boss were made aware of any efforts being made, s/he would be supportive as long as the improvements were tangible.

Good luck in your endeavors.

Sorry, wherer you people getting this info about her husband ect. Even though her profile says she is taking care of MIL in apartment, her post says she is taking care of her apartment and MIL house. What am I missing? :-)

If your MIL has her own home, then she should go back to it if living with you. If you do this, then you need to get rid of the rugs in your home. Talk to landlord to find out what u need to do. Then wash everything like curtains, bedding ect. Wipe down everything with bleach. 1 part to 10 parts will kill all germs. Wash whites in bleach. Other stuff, like towels, soak in vinegar, 1cup to large load, run thru cycle and then wash with laundry soap. On the longest setting. Before u do this, may want to run vinegar thru your washer cycle. I think its a half gal to a load. It will remove the smell from the tub and hoses. The smell of vinegar will go away when u dry the clothes. Wash towels alone. May habe to wash twice. Another suggestion. Always leave the lid to the washer up. Washers need to dry completely or you will have a smell. Same with clothing. Don't leave in the washer overnight. Clothes become soarer smelling. And I agree. If both husband and mother are slobs and you are the slave, I'd leave. And when I did, I'd call the health department. Your MIL needs to be evaluated.

JoAnn, Poet mentioned she lived in what is called a Mother/Daughter house which is common in the upper New Jersey/lower New York area. Kinda like a in-law suite, or a 2-family home.

Sadly it will be a never ending circle of trying to keep the Mom-in-law home clean. Rugs can take only so much abuse before the fibers start to rot out. I bet if there are hardwood floors under the carpet/padding that those floors are ruined. If no hardwood floors, then the plywood underneath the carpet/padding would need to be replaced. No amount of cleaner will work. One would need to put in new carpeting every month to keep the house sanitary.

What i just read about it just running out of her, this is not normal. She has lost muscle control. Meds might help. Or she may need a catheter. Do any of you get disability? Does she collect SS or SSI. Try talking to your local disabilities department. There must be buses you can take to work and get u to appts. Office of Aging may help. Get ur ducks in a row. Give ur MIL and DH an ultimstum. Clean up their act or ur leaving. And by leaving, the money goes too. Your husband can sue for support. I don't go to a friends house because she can't clean as well as she could because of health problems. She has a Lab mix that his smell just permeates everything. She allows him on furniture. Dog hair all around. I leave there feeling like I need a bath. My clothes smell like her dog. And, I'm not a dog lover.

Freqflyer, thanks. Found out I wasn't seeing all the posts. Me personnally can't stand smells. Ask my kids, I had cats at one time and could smell an accident as soon as I came into the house.

First I would tell her no more pots, then tear all the rugs up and put flooring even if it is linoleum down instead, you might have to replace the wood underneath, you will never get that smell out of the carpet. I would not wash her clothes or anything in your washer. If worse comes to worse they have those new washers that washer & dryer in the same machine. Yes they are not cheap, but this way you can have a plumber install one appliance.

Or if she is not in her own mind, you may have to look into a nursing facility. Talk to a social worker for help in what to do.

You can look into a couple of hours a day a few days a week under her medicare. Let the assistant do the wash, and do some light cleaning, and give her a good shower.

If the smell is that bad I am afraid you are taking it to work and everywhere else with you, its in your pores. I cannot imagine the embarrassment you must be experiencing. Good Luck its not easy to be a caretaker.
We had my mother in law for 14 yrs. Now my sister in law has her, alot more room there.

TWO WORDS: BIOHAZARD CONTAMINATION.

And also: I'M SORRY.

Wow. I seriously doubt you are going to find a housecleaning service to take this job until there has been a major intervention. Run of the mill services do not have the chemicals, handling & waste disposal training or permits to deal with something like this.

Old and ongoing urine has definitely soaked into the subfloor, even if it's concrete.
That is something you can call ServiceMaster in to clean & remove. Be prepared for them to wear biohazard suits and breathing apparatus because that is what this is. A biohazard for you and anybody else in there. The ammonia is probably what most of the stink is. If mom has pooped on the floor, that is going to decompose and smell like a rotting dead thing.

It will need the kind of service that a crime scene requires. I am not in the least bit kidding. Urine or other biologicals that have sat and soaked through floors, up into the drywall or paneling have to be cleaned using very strong enzymatic cleaners (not what you can buy for pet pee accidents at the store). There is stuff made to clean up after decomposed bodies that they use.

If it's bad enough and old enough, it just has to be a demolition and reconstruction scenario. That is simply what it has come to. This is not a job for Febreeze.
This is a great way to get the house condemned.

Mom has to go into care. Period, the end, no more discussion. She is not right in the head and she clearly requires 24/7 supervision in a skilled nursing environment with psychiatric care. If she doesn't have the cash & assets, the good Lord gave us Medicaid (until the state legislature takes it away). Call the agency on aging and beg for an emergency social worker assessment. This is a crisis event. Use those words.

There is no subtle, nice, quiet, sneaky, or calm way out of this where it's just going to take care of itself by magic. You are going to have to decide to take some drastic action that nobody will like, because they are thinking like 3 year olds. One of you has to be the adult. I'm sorry your husband has medical problems, but he sounds like he is enmeshed with mom and incapable of change. Or he would have. I'm not saying leave him, but you can't live there. If you stink, so does he. If his stuff stinks, and it does, it absolutely can not be anywhere near your stuff.

If the two of them are willing to live in a toilet, whatever, but you should not be.
Stop making excuses and wimping out. Do what must be done to save yourself.
There is clearly untreated mental illness involved here as well as some medical issues way beyond the capability of one person to get on top of.

Take all of your clothes, undergarments, shoes, jewelry, purses, and accessories for work and keep them in a storage unit away from the house. Wash/clean them at a laundrymat before you store them. If it still stinks, clean it again or toss it. Do not take any dressers or chest of drawers with you because that is also contaminated. Get some of those pop-up hanging racks or plastic drawers at Walmart and start fresh.
Put small boxes of baking soda in with your things and change it often until there is absolutely no trace of any odors at all. Your work attire absolutely CAN NOT GO back in that house - ever again. Neither should you!

Anything that has touched the floor in that house will need to be cleaned or thrown.
Yes, this could be a very expensive proposition, but you do not have a choice. If this was going to get better based on wishing, it would have.

I personally would join the Y simply to have access to clean showers, a clean place to change, and a locker to store my non-work outfit every day. I would not even be willing to go back in that house for anything. I would sleep in my storage unit before going back into a place like that.

If you do have to go back in there for any reason, wear a disposable overgarment that covers your feet & shoes. The last thing you want to do is recontaminate yourself.

Godspeed to you through this. Drastic times call for drastic action and you can rise to it if you apply your intentions.

MOVE OUT!!!😇

I haven't read through all the responses but thought I'd mention a few practical right now type things to try. My MIL house has a horrible smell from years of animal urine, very little cleaning and cig smoke. You could smell it at the door before walking in & if DH had gone over there for more than 5 min I could smell on him when he walked in the door. One thing that helped at her house (some, none of these ideas are absolute fix like carpet removal and painting etc) was placing a big thing of damp rid out. Not sure if it helped absorb some of the urine in air or what but it did help a little. Also there's a product called Odoban, I buy it at SAMs in a concentrated gallon that helped tremendously with her laundry & did help by spraying on carpets some. It says it kills germs and mold too. My mom has bladder issues as well as bowel problems sometimes and I found a new product by Clorox for urine. I was amazed!!! There was a year old brown stain on carpet that came up after sitting only 5min!! I hope to do an overall carpet cleaning with that soon. I've also read that 'old people smell' is a real thing and suggest after bathing using rubbing alcohol on wash cloth to kill odor causing bacteria on your skin. Of course it can dry your skin so be careful and moisturizer. I also agree with keeping work clothes and shoes away from the house and washing seperate. I'd go as far as to keep your clean work clothes in car & maybe put the dirty ones tied up in trash bag until wash day. You can also use apple cider vinegar on your hair to kill odors & will make your hair shiny as well. Just rinse it out well and the vinegar smell will be gone after you dry your hair. This sounds terrible because you live there and want to relax, but I'd also avoid sitting on sofa or any chair that could absorb urine. And if you get odoban or that Clorox urine stuff, if also spray your mattress really well and wash your bedding in it, if you had those smells on you already they could be soaked into your bed & you not even realize. Best of luck to you!! I know what it's like to have a MIL who thinks everything is fine and believe me I know the 'let's wait until' lines!!! Ours is always until whatever the next season is, right now she'd say spring, in the spring she'll say the fall lol

Oh, also I'd try to clean my car and spray down the seats or get seat covers. If the smell has come with you to work, it could be in the car too.

Hi Hon, I understand that many of the suggestions aren't possible in the situation, many don't understand what it is like when you feel you have to be the one to make sure people are cared for. You do need to stand up for yourself if you can in regards to pee buckets. Is it because she can't afford incontinence garments? I wouldn't bother trying to clean the carpet more than occassionally, all it's really going to do is get rid of the top layer and might keep the bacteria in control. It won't do a thing in the long run. Once dry the smell will lessen to be bearable but will never go away, and once she's learned to pee like a human (yea, she is acting like a dog) you can hopefully replace the carpet. If you call in any help at all, no doubt you will have social services breathing down your neck, and that might be a help, but if you have no one capable of helping you with forms and going to govt offices, might make matters worse. I don't know that for a fact, but that's what I would be afraid of. If it's only her in the apartment, not sure I would clean the carpet ever unless she controls her pee situation (with the proper undergarments, i.e. adult diapers). Many adults wear them, it's no big deal. Wear flip flops in her house and leave them outside her door or in your car. Don't wash her clothes at your house, take them to a laundry, do them all in one big industrial tub on the hottest water, and don't worry about germs. That is what soap and hot water is for. Unless it has been sitting around for a time and could grow cultures, in that case, throw it away and go to the thrift store and buy more....... private message if I'm making sense to you, I'll offer moral support.

To me it seems that someone with that level of mental illness needs an evaluation, intervention and treatment. I would put that as my top priority and then address the house.

Anything is possible if you put first things first and only work on one piece at a time.
It takes a plan and the willingness to work it.

Your county case worker will have the ability to help you get forms filled out and submitted. They have to have accommodation for people with visual impairment and limitations to access services. That is their JOB! (I didn't say it would be easy though. There's bad apples in every barrel.) And you will not be the first person with low vision that has needed their help.

1. Mom has to be assessed by the county for services
2. Mom has to be seen by a doctor and a psych for diagnoses
3. Mom has to be placed where her problems can be handled by somebody that isn't you - at least for a good while.
4. That house is going to need to be treated very seriously. If the underlayers of the floor and walls are not properly addressed there is no new paint or carpet that won't stink again. It will just keep coming back. I have dealt with this myself in my mother's filthy hoarder house. Carpet Sprinkles are not going to fix it.

I have no idea what your home owners policy can help you with, but ask. Your county social worker may have connections and resources for you. Call the church and ask for help too. Some communities, counties, states have grants available for home rehab if you fall under an income limit.

But nothing will work while mom is there.

PoetStorm, hope everything is ok, we haven't seen you back on this thread since five days ago :(