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I recognize "Val" in some people I had to deal with at work several years ago, who would deilberately tell one story to one side and the other story to the other side, just to set people against each other, not matter how much it hurt the common goals of the program or the patients. Val is a drama addict and wants dissension and tragedy to blossom, and would have loved nothing better than to have stopped or discoruaged you form seeing Mom and then being able to say she was there for your poor Mom whose daughter couldn't even be bothered. I think you are making the right call here and will end up with some frustrations but not as much doubts and regrets as you would have the other way. God bless you and safe travels to all!
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yes. you will feel better if you do
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When I first wrote, I did not tell you that my mother and I were not on the best of terms. Long, long story, but I have a brother who was brain damaged at birth and his care left much to be desired, and she was responsible. I spent about 2 years going back and forth from my home in Georgia to Largo Florida, about 2 wks at home, 2 to 3 weeks in Largo. I was taking care of both my mother and brother. I was the only one available to take care of her. She had been diagnosed with lung cancer and for the last 8 months of her life, she was in a nursing home with Hospice coming in. As much as I had issues with her, she was no longer that person, and it was very difficult to watch her die. She was a stubborn woman and knew better than the doctors, and did what SHE wanted to do. Her Alzheimer's had probably started a lot earlier than we thought, but she was not easy to deal with, and no one wanted to fight with her. I too was very honest with her when she asked why this was happening to her, but I never spoke in anger to her. My other brother (he has leukemia) and I were with her at 2:30 in the morning when she died, holding her hand and brushing her forehead. Both of my grandchildren saw her a couple of months before she died, and I am glad they did. She was in a wheelchair, but I know she was thrilled to see them. Take a deep breath, take your boys to see her, and do whatever must be done. If they want to have a short visit with her, fine, if they want a long one, that is fine too. Everyone deals with things differently and you just never know how that will be until you get there. If you don't go, you will regret it, regardless of the outcome. Just accept things for what they are, and go with the flow. Probably should not say this, but, Prozac helps.
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My beloved mom and dad passed away. I was their caregiver. My brother had moved very far away and had plenty of leisure time for his vacations and fun, but very little or none for his ill parents. He was not (these were his own words) the "hospital type" and he didn't want anyone to tell him what to do. (I am guilty of often asking him to call them and to visit them).

Whenever he did show up in some way (phone or actual visit), he tried to control the situation and them. Whenever he decided to intervene (which was seldom, as I've already said he enjoyed his life too much and left the difficult details, financing everything, and caregiving to me), it got unpleasant with them, and with me. Though my parents loved us all, my brother just never gave of himself unselfishly, was never fully there, and he was mainly interested in having fun, controlling the situation, having everyone take his suggestions, and in everyone worshipping his ideas and him. Narcissistic.

My mistake was to think that his personality would change once he saw that they were getting older and becoming more ill, and he would for once put their needs before his. It never happened. I should've known that and not set myself up for yet another disappointment.

Sometimes distance is more healthy. Since the passing of mom and dad, my brother and I no longer speak.
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Sarita so sad but you have to save your sanity.
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Arrived Friday morning, sitting with mum the whole time until she passes the next morning. Mum's wonderful, true, friends where there to help and support both of us. I told her many times how strong she had been, that we all loved and she could go anytime knowing that she would be remembered.
To my horror, I discovered from other friends that this Val wasn't really a close one. Since I'd not been in mum's life over the past years, I had no idea. Graham, her absolute best mate, and I comforted and supported each other the the whole ordeal. We managed to ignore Val and focus on what was important, mum!
Unfortunately we've had to give up on any involvement in the simple cremation and gathering. Val has even gone so far as to override mum's and Graham's verbal agreement that he spread her ashes from the Cessna plane over the Gold Coast and my taking a vial of ashes, since it's part of our Japanese side custom. Her husband is doing it.
Mum's friends are also quite upset at this exclusions, but approached me to kindly ask if they could do their own memorial for mum. They're waiting for my family to return in two weeks to Aus. Very kind, positive support felt by all. As it should have been.
I wrote a harsh letter to Val expressing how we felt about her bahaviour and that since she'd forced herself upon mum in a vulnerable time, she would have to complete the duties of executor. The rest of us have accepted and moved on by doing our own life celebration. We wish to have no more contact after this has been completed.
I've tried to impress on Graham and friends that it's not worth argueing and fighting with her. I don't want things if they are to be gained under this veil of negativity.
I'm at peace. She was in a lot of pain, heavily drugged, not able to move or respond. The two times she woke, I could feel her focus was more on the pain, which I helped with immediately. At 7am she opened her eyes and looked directly at me. Holding her frail hand, I once again told her how much she was loved, laughed at how she could go and meet her beloved brother and play pokies up there with him. At 7:10 she took her last breath. While cleaning out her care facility room, I found all the little gifts that the boys and I had brought for her from Japan, plus the cute notes they'd made to get well.
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Val is the problem here, not your mother. Go visit your mother, say only positive things no matter what she might say to you. Tell her you love her, have always loved her and will never forget her. Tell her you have missed her and wished you could have been with her more but now you are home and will do all you can for her. When the end comes, you will be glad you did this and you won't regret your decision. As to Val, I would take her various emails and communications and give them to APSU and ask them to get her out of your lives as your mother is dying and the woman is manipulative and disrupting the end of your mother's life with her lies. At minimum, I would also go to an attorney with the documentation and ask for a restraining order against Val to insure she could no longer be in your and your brother's presence nor have any contact with you at all. This means, while you are visiting your mom, she would have to stay away. She would not be able to horn in on your mothers last minutes nor bother you and your brother anymore by any means of communication. Imagine going to visit your mother and Val having to leave immediately or be in breach of the restraining order - something she could be arrested and get jail time for.
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allyoz, I saw your post after I posted. I want to express my deepest sympathy in the loss of your mother. The loss of a parent is very profound and I believe that you are attempting to handle it as well as possible. We never really know how much we will miss our parents until they are gone, but we are meant to live half of our lives with our parents and half of our lives without them. Your mother will always be a part of you and your brother and your children. I'm so glad you were there for her at the end.

Unfortunately, I believe that Val is a criminal. She is likely to repeat what she did to your family to other families. Under the circumstances, you and your brother should probably report this situation to the police and also to APSU. By doing so, you may be able to save other families a lot of grief from this woman attempting to involve herself in this manner with other families.

If Val should bother you or your brother ever again, don't hesitate to go to an attorney and get a restraining order against her. The woman is obviously a monster.
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Your Mum is at peace and now so can you and your family be. You know the truth. mourne the mother you have loved and were able to be with at the end of her life and forget everything else it is of no importance.
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If you don't contact her while she is still alive, you will be bothered by this for a long time after she is dead. You need to do whatever you can to make a peaceful connection before she dies.
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