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You can't control other people, just contact your mother and assure her that you love her and that you will assist her in any that you can, and wait. Just keep in touch she will change in time.
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I was in a similar situation with my own mother. We were estranged because she had a 'caregiver' who swindled her out of all her money before she died. Her 'caregiver' was trying to con everyone in my family for money (which never went to my mother's care, but to god knows where... at the end he was reselling her food stamps, to buy cigarettes and alcohol). She would never acknowledge what she did what the caregiver was doing to her family, so going to see her for the last time, there was no sense of 'closure' like everyone says is important for the living person to get when a parent passes. Most of the time, I don't think people achieve closure- I think the grudge matches continue most of the time. However, even if you were just in Japan and were not satisfied with the interaction you had with your mum and there is still a chance you can end on a good note, you have to feel you tried. Do you bring your kids when she asked you not to? That's a tough one, as it could freak the kids out more that a little if they don't want to and your mum isn't behaving. Good luck. Its really hard.
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Don't show your boys their grandmother in her terminal state. What will be gained by it? Thank Val for her "help", but you would prefer she not interfere with the medical issues. Talk to your mom as you will not have much more of a chance, and this will soon be over. Take care of your sons, yourself, and go back to Japan knowing you did the best that you could do. Your mother will have to live/die with her choices...
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I feel sad at the difficulties, at a time that is so stressful anyway. By the way, I have often found, in my experiences with home health care, that arguments erupt towards ending life - children return from far away and everyone feels they know about certain pieces of care, and everyone feels it's important to not be casual at this time, but to bring precision at this time of worry and risk. When children come from far away - travel issues also make them extra tired, so arguments happen. Staff who work with elders come to understand that.

Battles between care-giving people of different styles and locations are widespread, but my advice to you, is to look harder for ways to work with Val.

Examine your anger and fears more closely, maybe through journaling. You feel hurt and rushed when she bosses and jumps in instantly - but it sounds like you are not clear on what it is that you feel - judging someone for an aggressive style is easy, many will agree with you, but will it solve issues? Kindness and encouragement are the pieces needed here. Maybe you could journal about your impressions of feeling rushed, and recognize that your rush to solve administrative issues, may mask your wish for reassurance from others.

Some care-giving places have a daily log and maybe if Val put her impressions there, you could catch up with them without feeling that she is jumping into the middle of precarious agreements you worked so hard to set up, and tell her this is where she needs to write her reports. Or maybe send you a preview email before talking with any professionals. Many professionals will understand her style and your worries, and will listen if you tell them you have a different view.

I come at this topic from so many angles - and my biggest impression is that elders want kindness most, not only between them and their direct family, but among people around them, in their daily lives. When struggles were immediate, those people showed up, and it hurts your mom to have you battle with Val.

Seems to me that with illness the world of elders contracts, and long past relationships may be close (I felt joy when I picked up the phone, if I heard my brothers' voice, even if they were hateful to me, and saw me as aggressive.

Sometimes loving the voice is all the elder can really manage, and serious illness is a time for children to drop relationship goals and memories, and just work to show explicit love and appreciation and maybe laughter, in every conversation. For the complexities are many, and we must forgive ourselves and each other as we struggle to address them. I've been with many dying elders, and find the reassurance, hug, hand squeeze, laugh, all help them.

The medical issues will resolve in their own ways - I know the challenges of the details. I managed the care for my disabled brother over 38 years, and my other brothers found me aggressive. It wasn't so much that I was aggressive as much as that as the close up person, I noticed trends, and had experiences with the outcome of trends, that professionals and distant family even, miss.

So, I can worry more often, fuss over details, disrupt others' train of thought, underestimate others.

But I knew from growing up in a battling family, that the battles are what undermine hope and faith and relaxation - and undermine health. It is not the loudness or expressiveness of battles that hurts children, it's when they are not seen as resolvable, or cannot be put into a kind and humourous context..

So I worked to TRY, to find ways to get past the horrible battles with my brothers, find some conversations we could share. Say Thank You more often, say, I need to go, if it's going on too long. Since I could not talk with my brothers about care issues, when their approach was administrative, but mine was from watching close involvement and helping - I sought and found some other area of life to talk about with them, in their expertise.

It helped. Just trying to be nice helps, even if there are failures in the process. And once in a while we could complain to each other about our styles, but just complain once, and drop it, and let the other person do something to correct their side, and praise them or thank them when they did.
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Oh and cannot forget to mention Carol "Expert Advice" I agree with her words, especially being there for Mum.
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I have to agree with Panamacarol, Exhausted Momma and Debi 1306 (who always has a ear for those that need to be heard).
Do take their advice, I cannot add anymore than they have.
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I agree with all of these helpful people. If at all possible you should go and see your mum. That's what this is about.

If you don't go, you may wish you had after it's too late. Expect frustrations and expect that your mum will be confused.

I've seen circumstances where a person manipulated the dying elder and it's one of the most vile things people can do. However, there are things that are out of our control.

Being so far away has got to be very, very hard. Try to see your mum and have some time alone with her just to hold her hand and let her know that you love her.

I'm glad you wrote and we hope that you'll check in again and let us know how you're doing.
Carol
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Yes. Regardless of how you feel, you will never have any kind of closure unless you go see her. I went to see my father before he died, and we have really not had much of any kind of relationship all my life. He told me he was a bad father, and I did not excuse him as it was true, but I got closure. You will always wonder and regret not going. It may not be a pleasant experience, but, it will give you closure one way or another.
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What an awful position. As my mom's sole caregiver, I know how stressful it can be. I'm not defending Val, but she may be overwhelmed and has decided to blame you for her own feelings. Whether you come back or not isn't about Val. It's about you and your mum. In another unrelated decision in my life, I had to decide what I would regret more. It sounds like you need to decide what you would regret most: Going and having your mum angry and distant, possibly dealing with Val...or it could be all good. If you decide not to go, know that you did your best. It's hard enough to take care of everything related to my mom when she's in the same town as me. I can't imagine how hard it is to manage and turn things over to others in another city or country. Unfortunately, you are the only one that can decide. Think about what is best for you...and what you'll regret more, going or not going. Good Wishes.
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I feel for your situation - being on the other side of the world makes this even more difficult for her. Is there any way you can fly in to see her before she passes? I think if that is possible you need to consider it. Sounds like your Mom is frightened about everything that is happening to her, and rightly so. You might also consider drawing up a Durable Medical and Mental Health Power of Attorney. I don't think you can get that on the internet. I believe you have to go to a lawyer for that. I truly wish you the best of luck.
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