My father-in-law recently had open heart surgery,,he is 85 and wasn't in that great of a shape going into this surgery. Now they are telling us that he isn't recovering as was hoped for and expected. He is on a ventilator and is in a care facility, his daughter is making all the decisions and does not keep us updated, which for me is frustrating. I encourage My husband to go and see his Dad sooner than later as we don't know the outcome of this situation. His sisters are in touch and Neil doesn't want to disrupt their plans.
Those few statements say a lot. Are all the children from the same mother and father? You refer to his daughter (Neil's sister) as making all the decisions. Is that because she was given POA of healthcare and finances or did she just take charge and no one is challenging her? And why doesn't she contact her brother with information about their dad? Bad feelings between them? How was the relationship between Neil and his dad before his dad got sick? How many times did you and he visit last year? I'm guessing the daughter that has control gives information to her other sisters, who, in turn, tell Neil. Maybe there is animosity between the C/G sister and Neil. His comment about not 'disrupting their plans' is a weak reason to not visit his father. It has been given for your benefit. If the sisters are at the hospital everyday, then they HAVE no plans. That's what they're doing all day. It sounds like there's a lot more to this story than is being shared. Your husband is a grown man. For whatever reason, he chooses not to go to the hospital, he doesn't want to be there. I'm sure guilt for these decisions has crossed his mind but the desire to not be involved outweighs any guilt he might (or will) suffer after his dad passes away. You can't be responsible for his actions. Men are often very "tight lipped" about personal feelings, especially those that make them look "unmanly". Maybe he's got a fear of hospitals, or of watching someone he loves die or that he'll "catch something (get sick) in the hospital" or he'll have to come face to face with his father's mortality, maybe he's afraid of breaking down and crying, maybe he wants to picture his dad's healthy face the last time he saw him in his mind instead of being hooked up to a ventilator on the edge of dying. Or a thousand other reasons, of which we'll never know. I would let it go (drop it, no more encouraging him). It is his right not to go. Maybe he will explain his feelings after his dad passes. You can watch for signs of sadness during this time and be there if he would want to talk about it.
If your husband has been close with his family and they have always been supportive of each other now is not the time to back out.
If the relationship has been strained always then him stepping in now might rub his siblings the wrong way.
If the relationship has just begun to become strained now might be a good time to try to mend it.
But mending a relationship is not fast nor is it painless.
It really is up to him as to what he wants to do.
Follow his lead, if he wants to visit but is unsure then encourage him to visit.
If he does not want to visit for whatever reason then let him bear the weight of that decision.
I'm not sure how old heydeb's husband is, but, I would think that if he wanted to go visit his dad he would. Assuming his health is fine and he can afford it. As his wife, I would think you might have some inkling what is behind him not wanting to go.
I might mention that if he wanted to go, that I would accompany him, and then let it alone. I think people should be free to make their own decisions on things like that. If he feels bad for not going, then so be it. He could also feel bad if he went when he did not want to go.
I think people should be free to make those kinds of decisions for themselves without being coerced or judged by others.