I have posted before but I sit here tonight now filled with guilt because my mom grabbed her belongings to head to her house. This has happened multiple times after many arguments. She's been here since my dad passed July 14th and has stayed with my brother 10 days in all. She wants to be here at my house only surrounded by the noise and grandkids. It brings her comfort. However, any single time I approach the subject of her house and spending time there, we end up in a huge argument. Tonight, she told me she just never thought her daughter would be so bothered by her staying with her to heal. I probably dug the knife too deep and finally said I don't know any parent who would put their kids in this situation. I don't know why it has been so hard for me to show grace. Instead, I'm angry, I'm resentful...she is not stronger to try to spend time at her house or rely on others. She is traumatized by dads death at house. I get that. I guess I truly am a bad daughter for not embracing her with more love but I just cannot wrap my brain around her thinking it is ok to not take steps to at minimum not be at my house at least 1 night per week to start. That ask just explodes! She can't understand why I just can't give her time. I am so tired of this. Am I delusional to think its not normal for a 67 year old mom to never return to house after their spouse dies?
Mom 67
Me 41
Kids 13, 11
My mom and I have had situations where ultimatums, extremes, and guilt-tripping were used as weapons in our history of interactions. Eventually I finally cut her out of my life with a nice verbose letter talking about all of the times she had stepped on me. My brothers were allowed to consistently kick her to the curb, leave her hanging, disrespect her, but me, ohohohohoh no.
"A son is a son until he gets a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of your life."
There are people who live and breathe this.
I will point out right now my tiny mommy is sleeping about 12' away from me right now, as I'm sitting on my PC here waiting for her next med dose so I can wake her up for it and she can get as many calm continuous hours of sleep as possible.
Putting my foot down did not, in fact, lead to the end of our relationship, or the end of my love to her, or hers to mine. What it did teach her is this amazing skill. She learned to say "I'm sorry" to ME for once. After her temper ran out and she whinged to me to everyone under the sun, she realized that in facet, yes, she was kind of being a selfish, over-asking, manipulative, ultimatum delivering *****. She learned to say "I'm sorry" and mean it.
Others mileage on this will vary. But, it required playing that game of "chicken" to the end.
You also lost your father and it's kind of absolutely ****ed of her to not think for half a moment about you.
You have done nothing wrong. It is not your job to be the volume dial on the sounds that blare out your mom's inner thoughts about her loss. YOU can't hear him either. YOU won't see him anymore either. This isn't all about HER. I'm sure you've prob said as much.
Some love needs to be delivered as tough love. You are not asking something unreasonable. Let her have her temper tantrum. Slap your own hand when you get the urge to call her back. Hug your hubby and kids. She's a grown woman, not a child. Don't react to a tantrum.
At 67, she has a lot of life left in her yet. To move in with you indefinitely is to ignore that fact and to use you and your family as her crutch. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get for her to strike out on her own again, imo.
Ask her to leave but allow her to spend a couple of evenings a week with you and her grandchildren, that's my suggestion. Remind her how much you love her but reiterate that both of your lives need to get back to SOME semblance of normalcy now. Don't allow her passive-aggressive commentary about what you're "not doing for her" sway you. If the house dad died in is too traumatic for her to live in, offer to help her sell it so she can downsize into an apartment. Don't back down, just show her love while standing your ground. You're not a bad daughter, you're justifiably angry because you've been burdened with her presence (uninvited) for well over 4 months now with no end in sight without her having a meltdown. You've been given no opportunity to grieve your own loss for babysitting mom 24/7. You've both suffered a huge loss here but mom seems to think she's the only one who's suffering. Tell her how things REALLY are and be truthful but kind.
Good luck to you both, and my condolences on your loss.
Some have had spouses with long-term terminal illnesses. Such drawn out grief & loss, but this can also bringing small steps of adjustment. I've met people who even downsized & moved house through that time.
Sudden illness, sudden departure I image brings shock instead. Wanting to hide away, stay close to known people may feel safe - be a normal reaction. But in the longer term, reconnecting with friends, her neighbourhood & activities will be needed. To open a new chapter of her own life.
Learning to drive her own life again will bring more reward than just being a passenger in yours.
My mom broke on June 1 when she read PET Scan results handed to her before Dr delivered news. From that moment, she broke. Dad passed of cardiac arrest 2 hours after his 2nd chemo Jul 14th. It was all so sudden and unexpected.
I am hopeful and praying she will move forward to a new chapter. I know it takes time. I just get so caught up, that in the meantime, she wants to be here and not her home. I've mentioned going home during day and coming back for dinner and to spend the night. She just can't do it, it seems. She tries but is getting nowhere if you ask me. She will tell you, her therapist says what she is doing is 100% normal.
1) Go with her to her ‘grief therapist’. Assess how useful you think the therapist is – some just aren’t, they will agree with whatever the client says and are prepared to take many many sessions and dollars to move on. If you aren't impressed, push for a different therapist.
2) Tell the therapist that you cannot continue with this. Your own grief is not being respected, and you need your own time for that. You also need time for your family, who are your principal responsibilities. Ask the therapist to deal with M’s ability to deal with your needs and grief as well as her own.
3) Ask M if she feels uncomfortable in her house, and would she prefer to live somewhere different. It’s possible that its memories are overwhelming. Perhaps it’s the first time in her life she has lived alone, or spent a night on her own. Take her to see some particularly nice SL or AL places, and talk about plans for the future. It really is a good time for her to think about how she is going to live for the rest of her life. Get her to start packing up for the smaller home she is almost certain to need.
4) Send her away on a holiday. A tour for people of her age could give her new things to look at, think about, people to talk to. I know from my own experience that it can really really help. It doesn’t remove the problem, but it stops it overwhelming all your thoughts.
5) Let your husband be the one to make a stand. He can insist that she limits her stay, for his sake and for the sake of his children. Not negotiable. Not your fault. Your lines go like this: ‘I’ve never seen him so determined’. ‘I can’t keep going against his wishes’. ‘I’m not willing to break up my marriage over this, however unreasonable you or I think it is’.
Take a pin and shove it somewhere in the above list. Talk it through with your husband and your children. Each of these options is genuinely possible.
Love, Margaret
I am not a widow so I can’t address that issue. Grief is complicated and everyone deals with it in their own way.
I agree with Margaret’s advice to you.
I see from a previous post that you wrote that she is seeing a therapist. Therapy can take awhile to be effective. I hope that she is willing to invest enough time into it to reach healthy goals. Make sure the therapist is dealing with her issues pertaining to grief.
Has her therapist ever requested for other family members to be present during her sessions? I would definitely go with her if at all possible.
One on one therapy is wonderful but so is family therapy. It gives the therapist a better understanding of the situation.
Another thought is that her home holds too many memories for her to bear. She is having extreme difficulty processing her emotions.
I know a woman whose only son (age 17) was murdered. She ended up moving out of her home because every room in her house held so many memories and being there was torturous for her.
Her husband wasn’t severely affected by the house but he agreed to move to help his wife move forward. Sometimes it isn’t running away from something but rather moving towards something new.
She and her husband sold their home and bought another one. This is an extreme measure but she found peace after she relocated to a new house without any memories of her her son.
You are between a rock and a hard place with trying to balance your own life with your family and your mom’s life and her struggles with grief. That’s a tough spot to be in.
I wish you and your mom all the best.
That's her expectation of you. It will take years to heal. I doubt her therapist is even dealing with her living situation, unless she has brought it up. Many professionals think it's perfectly fine for elders to live with daughters and for daughters to do all caregiving.
Why can't she go live with your brother for a while? Why did she leave there after only 10 days?
The general advice is to not make a change in your living situation after being widowed for a year. What is her home like? A single family home that she will have to maintain? Yardwork, etc.? Can she hire that all out? What is her financial situation? How far away is she from your brother?
If she can't stay in the home because your father died there, then maybe she will never be able to, and arrangements for a new living situation must be made now. Should she sell her house?
67 is young! She can have a wonderful next stage of her life.
She will have the noise and activity of a community and if she needs it she would have help.
You say you are feeling guilty because in an argument your mom did what you actually want her to do.
Let her go.
She is handing you the bag of guilt that she packed up.
It is your choice to take the bag of guilt from her.
I am sure you just don't want her to leave in anger. Let her manage her anger.
She may not want to go home because of the memories but she is not going to change that unless she moves on.
Has your mom been to any Bereavement Support Groups? I think it would help a lot. And going through the holidays is difficult enough after a loss, she needs to talk about and get support from others going through the same.
Mom needs grief counseling and therapy, so the therapist can teach her how to either make the decision to go home or sell the house and live elsewhere. YOU are not the one who should be doing this, because you have your own grief to deal with.
You may need to participate as a family in at least some sessions of therapy in the beginning, because the therapist needs to understand that you, too, are grieving and cannot carry your mother's load in addition to yours.
I say you sit Mom down, tell her you're arranging some grief counseling for all (or just both) of you, and you expect her to attend. Otherwise, you cannot allow her to spend all day, every day at your house avoiding reality. Tell her SHE is doing permanent damage to your relationship and family, and if she values those relationships, then she needs to take responsibility for her life.
Edit: Sorry, but I didn't read all the other responses before posting mine. Everything I wrote has already been suggested and it looks like she is in therapy.
I do agree with the post that said you need to talk to the therapist and let her know that while it's "normal" for Mom to do what she's doing, she's doing it without the willing participation of those she's burdening.
Therapy really is just sitting there doing most of the talking. Therapists don't listen to your problems, then just tell you what to do. They lead the conversation so you eventually figure out how to deal with your problems yourself. That's exactly what your mother needs, but she also needs parameters while she figures out how to deal with her issues.
Another school of thought puts more emphasis on bringing up options, and giving the client time to react to them. As long as they aren’t forced on the client, they can help a lot. I remember from about 40 years ago that the current social work school in Adelaide only legitimised the ‘work out your own answers’ method. Migrants brought up with different expectations thought that it was no help at all, plus a complete waste of time and money. Freud is not really the ‘flavor of the month’ these days, either.
My own example was a new association that needed management advice. I went in after their social worker support had suggested that they ‘devolve’ their own petty cash system by talking about it. They told the social worker that she wasn’t helping and they no longer needed her, and I learned that the social worker had congratulated herself about ‘bringing the group to maturity’.
An open mind is always useful.
I would encourage mom to seek a consult with a psychiatrist, not a grief therapist, for a fuller assessment of what is going on
This is not about what she "should" want/need; it's about what YOU need. Mom seems to be in need of distraction and she wants to be away from the "scene of the crime".
You want your house back and the time and space to heal from your dad's death.
I would say the 4 months is a LONG time to be patient. It's time for mom to figure out somewhere else to go to avoid her house. And as I said earlier, this sounds more complicated than grief.
If Mom is serious about not moving back, then tell her to sell the house. Take the proceeds and buy a smaller one. As said, go into independent living. Get a nice apt. But she can't live with you until she feels her grief has gotten better or your brother. She has to learn to go on without him. Her children cannot be her option.
Maybe Mom leaving is good. This is not the first time you have expressed its time for her to go home. And its not fair to you that she guilts you. She needs to be alone. Staying with you she is not giving herself the ability to grieve completely. She likes the noise if your house because it keeps her from dealing with the grief.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance are 5 signs of grief. She needs to experience them all in her own home.
Like I said in your other post, have her work into it. Do not give in to her. Mom starting tomorrow you are spending the days in your house. No argument. You have to go back to living in your own home. You can't grieve properly in my house with everyone around. You can come back to my house for dinner and sleep over. She has to get back on the horse. She needs to scream, to cry, to hit something when no one is looking. Has she had a good cry? She needs a good cry where she gets hiccups, is exhausted and can't cry anymore. She needs to do this alone. You are disabling her by letting her impose on you.
Sounds like all of you need Transcendental Meditaiton® tm.org to help relieve stress and trauma.
Maybe she needs a NEW place to live if her home is too much of a trigger.
And she needs friends and a social life.
Give her a job at your house. several jobs.
Explain why you need your own space.
family counseling
Maybe spend some time there together EVERY day starting now. Then I would say next weekend, you do a sleepover with her there. Tell her in advance that you are only doing this for ONE night! You don't want to start any bad habits. But it's time to rip off that band-aid and get back to her life. SO you can get on with yours.
Good luck.
You are so far from a bad daughter. Shame on her for guilt-tripping you.
Do not get blinded by guilt. It makes it impossible to move forward. Your role is to navigate.
1. she doesn’t like being by herself.
2. She may feel that your father’s presence is everywhere and she may need grief counseling. My mother had grief counseling after he passed to help overcome his loss.
3. Medical issues such as depression which might be addressed by her PCP.
4. Not enough to keep her occupied and needing more interactions with others in pursuit of whatever activity to include age appropriate exercise, hobbies, entertainment and enjoyment of family and friends.
Your mother indicated that she enjoyed the sound of your family around her. That is a normal sound. My family lived with my mother in her home for a set period (set in advance) to the benefit & detriment of both parties). Aggravation is one of the problems. My mother didn’t have a filter on certain topics relating to me, which I found distressing and distasteful. I had to make sure not to let her see how much she hurt my feelings and approach everything with as much energy and enthusiasm and positivity as I could. I didn’t want her to send me into a fit of depression, which would have been easy.
The benefits is mutual for parties, doctor visits, work issues, children issues and a bunch of other things. It is a matter of planning in advance. My husband found it easier to step out of the house on occasion, if things were a little much and to say that her favorite word was: “immediately.”
Your mother may benefit from some classes like watercolor painting or trips to museums or botanical gardens or sightseeing with seniors her age or anything that interests her.
I sorry to hear of your father's passing. This just happened Jul 14th this year? this is still very early in my timeframe. I would expect anyone to get over someone passing away so quickly. Plus someone passing effects people in different ways, it takes time. If the relationship are very close. It takes time. Someone close passing away, especially if it's a parent, or husband is right up there as the toughest thing in life.
I'd say you mother moving in with you or you moving in with your mother is a good thing, obviously it was probably more convenient for her to move in with you because of other commitments. I'd grieving is a process, if people have other people to look after and commitments, it can be used as comfort to get on with ordinary thing in life. When you don't have other commitments it's harder and those people need the support of others, like your mother. In most people's life a mother and father are to treasure as we only have one and now that your father has passed on, I would cherish the relationship with your mother even more.
Living with a parent, is not easy sometimes from a nagging point of view (no matter how old you are) and getting space for yourself. It depends what your relationship is like with your mother, if it's more like a friend without the nagging then it should be fine.
I think as the passing of your father is still recent let her stay for but make sure there's a way of both of you getting your own peace and space when you need it. Maybe you can go to her house and spend some weekend's at her house and get space that way or go visit your friends for weekends.
If your mother has not been back even once, to sort through things, check mail, etc that seems a little unusual, but if this is the case I think other answers also said maybe, go back to your mom's house maybe the odd weekend at a time, you, the children and your mom and spend time there together, but then also all of you go back to your house at the end of the weekend, to this over the next 6 months and see how it goes. Maybe your mom will eventually start getting use to things, coming to terms with things more.
A passing cannot be rushed to move onto the next things in life, it is life and it's slow to adjust to things and also the circumstance of how your father passed away also play a big factor.
I would not say you are delusional or bad daughter, I think you haven't had the chance to step back from a traumatic time in your life, these kind of things throw people off course, but they do have to take their course, as this is just July 14th. Maybe your mom thinks a daughter's bond would be closer under the circumstances, than son's.
I also think one other answers mentioned, to work out some kind of plan, which I agree with. Like sharing the responsibilities between you and your brother.
Keep us updated on how thing go. I wish you peace.
Its been a week, has Mom returned?
Really, you are not wrong. Mom is just afraid but she needs to face it. Six months is fast approaching. She needs to deal with Dads death. My Dad died in my parents home. Mom did not leave her home. Never asked to stay with me. She had friends and her Church. Your Mom is 67, I know a lot of women her age that lost husbands of many years. They get up and brush themselves off and move forward. They have to. Life goes on.
I was thinking perhaps that as a family you all go back to the house together with her for an evening for dinner. Another time go back and clean the house together. get her used to going back to her own home.
talk to her. I’m sorry you’re both going through this. You’re being very honest in this heartbreaking situation so you can’t be a terrible person because you’re sharing very loving feelings. Good luck and keep talking to us.
* Caring for her and where she lived gave him meaning.
* He lost his vision, and subsequently, his ability to drive.
* I sold the ranch, which had been in the family close to a 100 years.
I’ve spent the last 5 years dealing with a moping dad who fought everything I tried to do to help him and a stressful job.
I’ve recently been hit with a serious health issue. My job is literally eating me alive, or, I just got really unlucky, but it was the job. We’re forming a union, and when I told a rep about what I went through, he told me to get the F out of my job, even though I’m one of the organizers.
My father, when I told him this, immediately started worrying about his mail. His BLEEPING mail! When I’ve told him what I’m going through in the past he guilts me about leaving the job, leaving him, etc. He’s scared, knows he can’t do it alone, but won’t ever do anything to make it better for me. I know he cares for me and loves me but I can’t anymore. I can’t do the job and him. Something has to change.
Besides a “whine moment” where am I going with this?
Grief and human emotions are hard. Your mother might fix herself on 6 months and a day, or never, we’re all different. Your family also has a right to live their lives. And she needs to move on. 67 is young enough to still be alive. At least I hope so because I can see that day in the not terribly distant future.
Good luck. It’s hard, don’t beat yourself up if you get mad. It’s really hard and frustrating.