I am sole caregiver for mom who has dementia for more than 8 years, I feel horrible for telling my mom you are sh*t. and this is the second time I do that in my life. I just lost my temper. I called mom with this after I spend an hour trying to change her diaper and cloths. all feces on her cloths and diaper. I tried first nicely even I think I was stressed and exhausted. I spent nights sleeping only two to three hours only just to prevent the dirt go outside the bathroom or when I hear something I jump from my bed check on my mom make sure she is okay and did not fall this is going on for months and months. I am so tired and I am fogy. I know this is not an excuse to call mom a name. I do love mom and I feel so horrible. I feel I am really bad ugly daughter. Some time I wish I die for being some time rude to mom. I know God will punish me one day when I get old. Someone much younger than me will treat me hatefully. HATE MYSELF. I pray to God to forgive me. But God will not forgive me each time if I repeat it.
How can I control my temper when I am so tired and fatigue. Mom deserve the best
I meant to say I am so sorry to hear your planned day off went pear shaped. Its seems to happen! Right now I am hoping to get away for an hour while friend looks out for husband. He says he wont go to the hospice for respite but we shall see.
That walk in the forest is becoming a necessity!
Hubby is a good man, but he has his quirks and a quick temper and every time something goes wrong, somehow it's my fault. He's been through a lot in his life, healthwise, and will probably not live to be 75. (Liver transplant, diabetes which he refuses to deal with) so my kiddoes are all very sensitive about him and his health. He still works and travels full time, he's as healthy as he's ever going to be, but I am stressed out and tired carrying the full time care of him, our home, helping mother, and my girls with their families. I do have a continuous level of stress bubbling away and sometimes I will just take a long, hot shower and cry for a half an hour and then just face the music again.
I have been having a lot of migraines again, just stress related, but annoying to the maximum.
I am joining a group held by my therapist for depression and anxiety as soon as the new sessions start, hoping that I can meet others who have anxiety & depression and get some support there.
I don't punch either, but there has to be a way to release the anger, b/c just "not caring" (as hubby says I should do) is not an option. I forget and mention something to one of the kids that their dad did and WOW they are defensive--even though I may be right, it's just not appropriate. (And yes, he can say "Oh you know how your mother gets.." and they all nod their heads, so it's not a fair swap at all---it just is what it is.) He's perfect and I'm a mess.
I also can't say a word about my MIL. Hubby is not on "good" terms with her, she told me 6 years ago she never wanted to see me again--so I have honored that request. Still, every time hubby goes to see her he tries to drag me along. She won't let me use the bathroom or sit in the living room. She doesn't address a single remark to me. WHY would I want to deal with that? I can step away from her and she doesn't bother me, but my own mother makes me crazy. Not always, but I never know when she's going to spring on me--so I am tense and uncomfortable all the time around her. And I have to go visit her this afternoon with my daughter who is visiting with her kids. Already have a sick stomach.
BTW, hubby's comments about his mom "Well, she's old". OK, that works NOW-- but she has been the same for 42 years that I have known her, what was the excuse when she was 43?
Sounds like I am aggressive I know but its better than hitting the person I am supposed to be caring for! When he gets too infuriating because of the illness.