Only recently have I started to notice too well how the relationship with a parent changes from good parent to alcoholic parent to abusive parent...then you grow up and the parent apologizes for the wrongdoing, you mend fences, become friends, even. Then the manipulation begins. Once they realize you have forgiven them, they have a clean slate and full permission to begin abusing you in a whole new set of ways. Years of therapy going down the drain. I'm headed back, but it'll likely be months before I can get in the groove with a good counselor. How do I maintain my boundaries in the meantime. Thanks to all of you for your encouragement, it helps a lot, but I need something I can keep in my when she's railing about all the arguing going on at home (which is mostly due to her and her negativity)....deep breaths....
Thank goodness for all of you here because through sharing our stories, hope and ideas, it connects us and we really are people of quality and hence, meaningful.
She knows I was sexually abused by my brother (well, "knows" and "accepts as truth" as 2 entirely separate things. Brother is deceased. She knows I do not wish to talk about him, ever. But she seems to need to bring him into conversations--oh how sad a life he had, how amazingly brilliant he was---you get my drift. Last week I said "Mother, I cannot talk about "C" anymore".( I am struggling STILL to deal with the aftereffects of 12+ years of serious abuse. )She said "Oh, you and your "therapy"!! What does it even DO for you?" And she went on to relate that her brother once rolled her up in a heavy Persian rug and left her in there for a few minutes. She said she can't go to Costco because it's so claustrophobic. I really just sat there, jaw on the ground and THOUGHT "You are equating a kid's GAME (because they did this all the time) with the abuse I suffered?" I just...couldn't. She said she knew just how I felt. Tears were coming and I made some excuse and left, quickly. I will NEVER share with my mother the extent and magnitude of the abuse I underwent. Never. She'd not believe me and she'd minimize it. I'm 60, and STILL just beginning to heal. And I realize I might never heal.
My therapist has often said it's amazing I have chosen to maintain a relationship with mother at all. Well, I don't know. She's not perfect, neither am I. I do care about mother, I am just glad I "understand" her. I never expect her to change, and she really doesn't.
Just helped me a little to realize that narcissistic people never really change. They just get old.