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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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There's nothing wrong with an old man wanting to do something he's no longer able and talking about it like he could. It's NOT on you to make these fantasies come true.
It's also not your job to be a Debbie Downer or Fun Police and tell him why his travel days are over.
Let him talk about and enjoy his fantasies. Join him in his reality. Ask him where he would go and what he would do. Show him videos of the places he talks about.
Change the topic, use distraction or tell a "therapeutic fib" as to why travel isn't an option right now ("Your doctor says when your next physical shows good results").
There was someone on here or another site quite awhile ago who helped “plan” trips with her mother. After asking her where she would like to travel if she could, they would pick a place & learn something about it. Then they would have a fun “travel” day. They would have food from that area, dress accordingly, take selfies, sometimes decorate a little too & watch videos from the area. There’s all kinds of travel shows, nature shows that go to different places. Obviously this wouldn’t work for everyone. Could make situation worse, make them madder that they can’t go. But for the right stage, could be fun. It worked well for the poster that shared it a long time ago & was a fun day for the whole family. You know your loved one best & if it would work for him.
What if you said, “where would you like to go if you could?” Then just talked about it like “If you could be there now, what would you do first?” And “yes, Hawaii sounds amazing! I have some pictures of it on my phone” Would this get it out of his system, or make him more obsessed? If he says” when can we go?” then you can say “as soon as the doctor okays it” or “we need to concentrate on getting you strong enough first.”
At one point when my dad had dementia, and was also physically frail, he was talking about wanting to go sledding on snowy hills and ice skating again like he had done when he was a boy. It was totally not happening, but I played along a bit “oh I didn’t know you knew how to ice skate!” Etc. It blew over.
Or — since you put this under mobility but did not mention dementia — are there short, easy outings that he could do? A drive in the country? Sitting on a park bench by a lake? A visit to an old friend?
i have also read about computer “trips” for elderly where it looks to them like they are driving, they see on Google Maps wherever it is that they want to go, but like in real time on the ground.
Don't worry about you telling him no more traveling. He will forget you said anything and probably ask again then you can use the suggestions.
People who suffer from Dementia and ALZ are in their own little world and you have to enter it. They are not able to differentiate between reality, dreams and the TV. I was in my Moms room one day and she told me the Doctor wanted to talk to me. She was watching Diagnosis Murder. You need to go with the flow and sometimes that means telling little fibs.
Maybe get some travel picture books (think they are called Coffee table books) Travel DVDs or Travel Station on cable. He may think he is really there. I set up my laptop to stream our Churches service for Mom. (She was getting overwhelmed in Church) I would get her breakfast and dressed and she thought she was there. When I came to get my laptop, she asked if I was there to pick her up, and I said yes.
My daughter has worked in NHs for 30 yrs. She helped me a lot with understanding how my Mothers mind was working. Don't argue with Dad, he has lost his ability to reason. Keep coming here and ask your questions and read the posts. We are here to help you with Dads journey.
Don’t feel bad . Dad does not understand the amount of work it would be for you to travel with him .
My hubs and I told my FIL that we don’t like cruising . He was trying to manipulate us to take him to Alaska by guilt tripping that his wife would never go . ( They had been on numerous other cruises ) . I told him he should have gone by himself when he was younger . He also tried to bribe my kids and us to go as a family . He never suggested family trips in the past. I asked him if he ever took his elderly father traveling with him . He said “ No “. He finally stopped asking .
My neurologist suggested saying that you (the caregiver) can no longer travel. That takes the weight off. Tell him that your Dr. said that you shouldn't; for any number of reasons. That is what I told my husband because it is too much of a chore to travel with him and his condition. My husband took pity on me.
Yes, but it may be time to let go of the pain that your dad is elderly and still wants things you cannot provide. My mom is the same way, but we have to let go of the guilt and pain.
To go along with my first comment...... You should also not feel bad. Unfortunately it's his reality now. You can redirect like some have said. Or commiserate with him, showing understanding with this change in his life & acknowledging that it's hard & then redirect. So much depends where he's at mentally, emotionally. Again, you know him best & what could be upsetting to him or what might work. But it's not your fault that these changes are happening to him. It is hard & it is sad, but you are doing what's in his best interest.
I think at times people say they feel bad when they are grieving or really feel sad for the person not getting what they would like / envision (travel). While a person may be 'shouldn't feel' bad, that is a hard one - when a person feels it. I sense this is how people reach out here - to get that support. Nothing about these situations are easy to navigate. We all do the best we can and thank goodness this forum is here for all of us.
As you said (and me, too) re-direct, daughter knows what's best and how to approach her dad. Gena
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It's also not your job to be a Debbie Downer or Fun Police and tell him why his travel days are over.
Let him talk about and enjoy his fantasies. Join him in his reality. Ask him where he would go and what he would do. Show him videos of the places he talks about.
Obviously this wouldn’t work for everyone. Could make situation worse, make them madder that they can’t go. But for the right stage, could be fun. It worked well for the poster that shared it a long time ago & was a fun day for the whole family. You know your loved one best & if it would work for him.
At one point when my dad had dementia, and was also physically frail, he was talking about wanting to go sledding on snowy hills and ice skating again like he had done when he was a boy. It was totally not happening, but I played along a bit “oh I didn’t know you knew how to ice skate!” Etc. It blew over.
Or — since you put this under mobility but did not mention dementia — are there short, easy outings that he could do? A drive in the country? Sitting on a park bench by a lake? A visit to an old friend?
i have also read about computer “trips” for elderly where it looks to them like they are driving, they see on Google Maps wherever it is that they want to go, but like in real time on the ground.
People who suffer from Dementia and ALZ are in their own little world and you have to enter it. They are not able to differentiate between reality, dreams and the TV. I was in my Moms room one day and she told me the Doctor wanted to talk to me. She was watching Diagnosis Murder. You need to go with the flow and sometimes that means telling little fibs.
Maybe get some travel picture books (think they are called Coffee table books) Travel DVDs or Travel Station on cable. He may think he is really there. I set up my laptop to stream our Churches service for Mom. (She was getting overwhelmed in Church) I would get her breakfast and dressed and she thought she was there. When I came to get my laptop, she asked if I was there to pick her up, and I said yes.
My daughter has worked in NHs for 30 yrs. She helped me a lot with understanding how my Mothers mind was working. Don't argue with Dad, he has lost his ability to reason. Keep coming here and ask your questions and read the posts. We are here to help you with Dads journey.
My hubs and I told my FIL that we don’t like cruising . He was trying to manipulate us to take him to Alaska by guilt tripping that his wife would never go . ( They had been on numerous other cruises ) . I told him he should have gone by himself when he was younger . He also tried to bribe my kids and us to go as a family . He never suggested family trips in the past. I asked him if he ever took his elderly father traveling with him . He said “ No “. He finally stopped asking .
That is what I told my husband because it is too much of a chore to travel with him and his condition. My husband took pity on me.
As you said (and me, too) re-direct, daughter knows what's best and how to approach her dad. Gena