My Dad is 97. He has dementia but still lives in his own home (Mom died 8 years ago). He can feed himself, bathe, dress, all the daily tasks. He REFUSES home care or assisted living. My 75-year-old sister drives 45 minutes each way 3x a week to visit, bring him food, etc. I don’t live in the same state, but I spend one month every quarter with him. My sister and I have gathered all the info about all options. We can afford those options. But Dad refuses and he can’t remember any of our conversations nor does he believe when we tell him the odd/unsafe things he’s doing. He has bad arthritis in his back and must use a walker. He is bored and lonely (doesn’t remember when my sister visits so he thinks he’s been “abandoned”). We know he needs stimulation during the day but don’t know what to do! He sleeps and watches TV. We’ve tried puzzles, books but his cognition doesn’t allow for those activities anymore. He often says “I’m wasting my life” so he knows what’s happening but won’t let us take him to adult day care. Or have “strangers” visit. He doesn’t belong to a church. The neighborhood has changed over the years so he doesn’t really have neighbor friends. My sister is doing as much as she can. We hate to see him just sit there, getting worse and worse. Any advice at all would be so appreciated. 😢
Does he take any meds? Do you know if he is eating well on the days not there?
It's hard when they just don't understand. But if you can phrase it so it sounds like he made the decision with you, that may help a little..." We talked it over and we were all in agreement that someone stopping by would be helpful"
Help coming in could drive him places as well: library, senior center, museum, park, or maybe somewhere he could volunteer for a job. That may be a selling point for help as well. They could also bring a "job" that they need him to accomplish each day, and that is why they are there...
It's hard not being close by. Going against a parents wish is not an easy thing to do, but if the rolls were reversed they would not hesitate to keep you safe and as busy as possible.
Hope you find a solution, and great job doing what you can, when you can!
Unfortunately, it's very common for someone with dementia to believe they're doing fine while also forgetting the help they're receiving. Rather than focusing on convincing him that he needs help, it can sometimes be easier to introduce support as something that's for you or your sister. For example, "A friend is stopping by to keep you company while I run errands," instead of calling them a caregiver.
Sometimes starting with just a short visit from the same person each week can gradually build trust. Once that relationship develops, many seniors become much more accepting of companionship than they expected.
Even if he doesn't enjoy puzzles or reading anymore, simple activities like looking through old family photos, listening to music from his younger years, talking about his life, sitting outside, or watching birds can be meaningful and comforting.
Please don't be too hard on yourselves. From what you've shared, it sounds like you're both doing an incredible job in a very difficult situation. Wishing you and your family strength as you navigate this. ❤️
Is adult day care an option? Some have transportation.
Are there any neighbors who could Check on him?
Or Meals on Wheels?
Some communities have free volunteer services that will visit elderly adults.
I wouldn’t expend too much anxiety on him being bored and lonely. He could feel that way even if both of you were with him 24/7. Having your mental and physical abilities stripped away is very frustrating and limiting. They can’t do so much of what they used to do.
But, one thing my dad could still do and liked to do at that stage was sort coins. He couldn’t put them in rolls any more, but he loved to sort the quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies. I would thank him and then just put them back in the bag, all jumbled up again, so I could give them to him the next time to do over again.