My mother passed away of a terminal illness 3 years ago. We had a caregiver (I’ll just call her Maria for this thread) helping us the last 1.5 years of her life. Towards the end, we started noticing Maria spent more time near my Dad and less helping my Mom. She was engaged to another man at the time, is in the U.S. on a Visa, and is in her early 40s. Dad is 60. She never stopped speaking to Dad and they remained “friends” from a distance because she went back to Mexico after Mom passed. Fast forward a year and my Dad announces they are dating, that she ended it with her fiancé (who was not as well off as my Dad) just a few months before. Three months after him saying this, Maria moved into my parent’s home and stayed for 6 months until her limit was up and she had to go back to Mexico. It was a tumultuous time to say the least. 6 months later, she returned, only now her Visa is going to expire in August 2022. Dad said he gave her a ring and plans to marry her so she won’t have to keep leaving the country. Maria claims to love my Dad. There are no family members who support this union simply because it seems so plainly obvious to everyone but Dad that Maria is in it for the wrong reasons. She has so much to gain from him and I feel she took advantage of him when he was at the lowest point in his life. The things she has told my family are indicative of very scary manipulation and narcissistic tendencies. He has essentially turned his back on his children and family in order to keep Maria happy. I’m not sure what can be done anymore, but I needed to reach out at least for some advice or support. It is a truly sad, sad situation to see my Dad fall prey to a woman who very clearly is in it for her own personal benefits.
Your father is a grown man and should be smart enough to see the warning signs that’s popping up around this relationship. Perhaps your father is too naive to recognize these signs and he will have to learn the hard way. You can only advise your father on the pitfalls of going through with this marriage, and it’s up to him if he wants to take your advice. There are many great advice here from others about pre-nup, etc. which you can advise your father to do to protect his assets should he go through with this marriage.
Good luck in trying to make your father understand the potential consequences of what he’s getting into.
I pray your father will see this woman for what she is. She is after his money and property. Ask your father to give it time and think about it. I absolutely do not trust this situation. If she can't wait that is a good sign she only wants his money and is hoping he dies soon too.
So Dad now he 60, assuming he is cognitively OK, what is wrong with this picture?
Obviously, I don’t know Maria, perhaps she is a gold digger, but he as adult can protect himself. As an adult his choices as well potential consequences of his action are his alone.
Why this issue will divide family is beyond me, but not really, maybe there are different aspects which are not revealed.
3 years after Mom‘s death is quite enough to start living again, I am sure there are gold diggers everywhere.
It is not relevant if Maria was engaged before, or if other guy had less money, how would one know anyhow, ask, investigate him? But obviously OP is aware of Dad‘s wealth.
Perhaps during Mom‘s prolonged disease, when nothing could be done and Dad needed more support and Maria offered that.
Maybe some friendship developed and more, if it lasted for 3 years, seems a little more. What would benefit be for Maria, better life, green card, maybe she would be a partner and caregiver for Dad. If relationship developed can you really deny Dad some happiness, what would you prefer, grieve Mom forever, sit in easy chair for next 20-30 years and sign over all assets to family?
The guy "Maria" was engaged to before is very relevant. Was he an American. Did he have less money?
My friend's brother got scammed by a woman in the Philippines. A real low-down piece of work. An actual prostitute.
He brought her here and married her. Then he finds out about her kids in the Philippines and her criminal record. She took him right and proper and left him in financial ruin.
My BFF came to accept the woman, but made sure that Dad's final will was ironclad and then just sat back and relaxed about her intensions and Dad's absurd relationship: she was married and husband was ok with her behavior. After Dad died, they gave her his Mercedes and on she went to her next client.
Try to meet with his lawyer and, perhaps, have an Elder Law Attorney join you on Zoom.
What person who grew up with good parents in a proper family would not want to see their mom or dad happy?
My parents divorced when I was a little kid. My father had girlfriends my whole life and it never bothered myself or my siblings.
Only when he took up with the last one because she was a low-life, scamming POS with a rap sheet as long as your arm. That was the only one we had a problem with.
Kids growing up have to as you say, 'make our own mistakes', but this guy is 60 years old. When is a person grown-up enough to know better?
When "Maria" cleans this guy out and he has nothing, does he then turn to his kids? When the father's assets that were for his care in old age are gone, are his kids supposed handle his care because his loving wife "Maria" spent it all down and moved on to the next meal-ticket?
This what happened to me. Everything my father had went to a scammer then when he got sick and needed care, it was up to me. I couldn't even put him in a nice care facility.
All the money had been spent on the scammer who disappeared like smoke on the wind when he got sick. "Maria" will do the same.
I'm sure she flirted and made him feel young and virile, and more imp take a break from that pain. Who wouldn't jump on that train to have one more bite of the love apple and sex, and fun . Feel like a member of society, not an old man waiting to die alone. A sexy man.
You can research this situation online, or get a lawyer. The first is free. Def do that first. Don't think a lawyer can do much unless his mind is going.
You have to walk a tightrope. If you start badmouthing her, even if it's true, it will shut him down and you out.
I would remind him you still love him and are family and shouldn't be iced out. That you will be there for him. And your history together. And you shouldn't be torn apart by a gf.
This happened to my great grandmother. She was in her 70s and this guy in early 60s showed up to do a bit of construction work. Then stayed. We got a bad feeling. He saw a vulnerable woman. He wanted her to sell her home and buy a boat in Florida! That was never her dream. She was torn. My mom thought he would get the boat and dump her in the middle of nowhere, no car, money etc. I had a bad feeling about him.
My great gran asked me what I thought of him. I said at 6yr old, if he really loves you, he would want to be a part of you and your family, Not separate you from them. And I'd really miss her. And i told her other things he did to test if she would pick him over us. That wasnt very nice. Why doesn't he want to share in your life and family? She didn't go. I'm glad.
You need to get that through to him nicely and pull on heart strings. No whining, pointing out her faults. And keep communication open in case there are problems. I'd say who is going to take care of you, when infermed? She's still young. And segway into his will poa, end of life decisions etc. You should have copies for safety reasons. You can't acuse, or guilt and alienate him. That's what she wants. You will be taking away his shiny toy. Don't let her win. You must not disparage her ever. You must be nice no matter if you have to act the part. He'll shut the door on you, because yor stopping his fun time. He doesn't want to think about he's old, or not an active guy. See if u can get all paperwork. And if your doing well, talk about the house and things. Ask him. Does that go to her and her family? You don't think anything of our family? Someone that barely knows you? Family means nothing? You have to be super nice and gentle about this. Make sure hes not on speakerphone or her overhearing his conversation.
You have to walk a fine line. Think romeo and juliet. The more family wants them seperated, the more they clung together no matter what. Good luck. And get to researching before it's to late.
is it money that you are worried about? Your dad getting his heart broken? Him respecting your mother?
He will do what he wants to anyway. Choose to be his friend now and later, even if he gets hia heart broken.
As long as he is mentally competent, let him (as I am sure he may have let you) make his own bad romantic choices.
However, if she doesn't have any criminal record, and your dad is considered of sound mind (not mentally incompetent), unfortunately, I believe there is little to nothing you can do.
* Reasoning with your dad likely won't work.
* Do you/r family have any control over his finances or family assets?
* Could you induce your dad to get into family counseling - for a few sessions.
* I would think it is best to 'try to' do what you can to protect your dad / family assets, while maintaining / creating a positive relatinship with your dad you / family can stay in his good graces (and he won't shut you / family out) in feeling a desire / need to choose between you and 'his love.'
* Call local senior services with your county and see if they can offer your dad any support.
* Seems key to me that the family needs to protect your dad from losing his assets although at 60, he is quite young - and you do not speak of him having any disabilities.
* Is it possible that she has good intentions ? Do you have any proof of fraud ? If you do, report her to authorities.
I will read some of these responses as I believe this is a very common situation. You do not want your dad to shut you out of his life. Handle this with diplomacy. Trying to convince him likely will push him away from you/family.
[I recall seeing older women on Dr Phil's show and how he had staff go to the country of the scammer . . . to have the woman denying / in denial until the very end of the show - after losing six figures. People that are lonely want the attention and how they perceive feelings of 'love' -
I hope you find some support here. Gena
My father fell prey to a low-life scammer like "Maria" only he was a lot older than your father and she was an American. She cleaned him out and there was nothing any of us could do but watch it crash and burn.
There is something you can do though. Contact ICE and tell them she's an illegal trying to work a scam-marriage hustle. They'll pick her up and detain her for a while. Maybe they'll find something out about her.
Other than that, your father is young and "Maria" is just one more low-down, third-world mamacita looking for an American meal ticket. And she found one.
This is not to say there are not red flags. The difference in age and socio-economic status seems big. I imagine you never thought you might have a former caregiver as a stepmother. But, I think it is worth looking in the mirror to analyze your reaction about a woman you once accepted to care for your mom.
Is it that you aren't ready for your father to remarry? This takes time and your timeline might not be your father's.
Is it the money that your father has? Truthfully, it is HIS money and he can misspend/badly invest it single just as easily as married. If it is about money, any relationship your father has will trigger you.
Is it Maria's age, education, profession, race.... ? Perhaps she looked the role as caregiver and does not fit so well into your vision of your father's spouse.
Your father needs a good family attorney and a feduciary to get his affairs in order and help him invest wisely. He needs Powers of Attorney for medical and financial issues, medical directives, and a will. As an adult, you can advise and guide on these things. You are certainly capable of expressing your concerns (once you are honest with yourself about what they are). You can even ask for some protections in terms of: a long engagement and family therapy, a preneup, him to establish a trust in his will for you and his kids, or ask for your share now. You could even give your blessing on them living together, but not marrying, and help him establish a home in Mexico for the two of them to go back and forth.
BUT, at the end of the day, this is not your decision. In his 60s, your father has another 20 to 30 years, so stop thinking of his money as your money.
Again, this woman was a good caregiver to your mother; perhaps consider that your father does have good judgement and knows she will do the same for him. After all you can try to run this woman out of his life. You might succeed and your father might forgive you. But, are you going to do that with every woman for the next 20 years????
Also "Maria" was not in the selflessly taking care of the mother and part of the family for four years. She worked for them for a year and a half (1.5 yrs) like the post says. "Maria" towards the end of the mother's life (the reason why she was in their house to begin with) was spending less time caring for her client and more time cozying up to the soon-to-be-widower like a dog in season. Then goes back to Mexico but "stays friends" with the widower. What a crock of sh*t.
I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. Some of those years were spent as a young, smoking-hot, single woman. More than a few of my clients were women in their 50's and 60's usually dying of cancer with in-home hospice coming. More than a few of them were very well off financially too. I've had many a grieving husband come on to me over the years.
Decent and moral people do not cross that line.
Everyone knows what I'm talking about too.
"Maria" is not a decent and moral person. She's a low-down scammer looking for an American meal-ticket.
If the family investigates her a bit it is very likely that her former 'fiance' was also American. The OP's father is an upgraded meal-ticket.
"Maria" will clean this guy out. She'll marry the father and stick around long enough to get a greencard. Then he will be obligated by law to do the financial adjustment for spouses with immigration. This means that even if they divorce (which they certainly will) not only will "Maria" be entitled to a divorce settlement but dad will be financially responsible for "Maria" for the next ten years. So if she gets credit cards and runs them up, he's responsible. If she writes bad checks, he's responsible. If she decides to stop working or tries to get public assistance, he's responsible. If he finds a decent woman and remarries, he's still responsible for "Maria".
I truly hope the OP takes her father to visit an immigration lawyer who will explain all of this to him.
I'm sure a visit to an immigration lawyer will help the father come to his senses and rethink his engagement to "Maria" and send her packing back to Mexico.
"Maria" has been in your family's life for 4 1/2 years & caring for your mother for part of that - it's not really a snatch & grab . But I also understand your concerns - the age gap is important - but your dad could have 20 more good years of living left.
It's hard to imagine your father in another relationship My SO & I got together a little over a year after his wife passed (I had been widowed nearly 15 years). He was 3 years older than I. He had 4 adult kids, I have 2. He used to say his kids would have put him on a shelf & dusted him off when they wanted to see him. I called them the "holiday" family because we saw them on holidays. It didn't take long before his 3 sons were happy their father had 10 years of happiness with me & that I stood by him & took care of him when he needed it. His daughter never accepted me. She told me to not take it personally. He died 2/14/22.
I don't know what narcissistic or manipulative things she's said or done, but you've been on the defensive for a long time. If the family continues to fight your father over this, you will regret it. You don't know what the future will bring. Your father can and will make mistakes, but try to wish him well. She may well end up caring for him, too.
Even if this doesn't go forward, encourage your father to have an up-do-date will & a prenup drawn up & designate POAs. My SO & I did.`
I hope your heart can find peace in this situation.
Your father is 60 years old. I am 65 on Sunday. If I was interested in a romantic relationship & my kids tried to haul my azz off to the doc for a 'cognition exam', let me tell you, I'd have A FIT they would not soon forget. My money is MINE and not THEIRS. Same as your father's money is HIS and not YOURS. He can marry Maria and give it all to her if he'd like. He's entitled to a happy life now, and if she's it, then so be it.
Think of it like this: what if YOU were to want to marry some 'foreign' man who you liked or loved or felt happy with. And dad came storming into your front door telling you the guy was some scammer and didn't love you, but was using you and just wanting a green card and money and blah blah blah. That he was gonna haul you off to the doctor for a brain MRI to make sure you didn't have a brain tumor. Put his shoe on your foot for a moment.
My son once planned on marrying a woman who's head turned 360 degrees around on her neck, that's how possessed she was. Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, but worse. I prayed to God he'd see the light before it was too late. But he wasn't. So one night at the dinner table here's what I said to her: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY SARAH. I LOVE YOU AND HOPE THE TWO OF YOU WILL BE HAPPY FOR YEARS TO COME.
They broke up shortly thereafter. I got down on my knees and thanked God for that miracle. But the moral of the story is this: if you love your father and want peace & harmony in the family, tell Maria what I told Sarah. And hope for the best.
Spot on! I agree 1000% percent!
Then she doesn't take care of him.
Mexico is a country that is world renown for marriage scams and hustling. They are famous for it. Mainly it involves Mexican women going after older American men.
Sometimes they even get a legal work visa to come here. Then they take employment as domestic servants (maids, nannies, caregivers to sick or elderly). They purposely seek out employment situations where there's an ill wife. Or a widowed father. Or an elderly man who is lonely. I knew more than a few of these gold-digging mamacitas in caregiving when I lived out in California.
The OP's father is getting scammed. She'll work that hustle for all it's worth then move on.
1) She's with the family for a year and a half.
2) During that time when her client was getting worse she was spending more time with the grieving husband than taking care of her client. Talk about circling like a vulture, SMH... Absolutely disgusting.
3) She's straight out of Mexico and is working as a domestic servant in the U.S. This is textbook scamming. Then there's the 'fiance' (or should we say smaller bank account) she broke up with.
4) Her interaction with family members have lead them to believe that she's a narcissistic manipulator who also frightens them.
5) She has isolated the father and he's turned his back on his family to make her "happy".
See this is what scammers do. They don't want their meal-tickets around any people or in any situation they are not in control of until they have legal rights in a relationship. If "Maria" loved the father and her intentions towards him were right and proper, she'd be bending over backwards to get to know her man's family and to have good relationships with them. Yet she's not doing that.
This woman is a scammer and the OP should put her father in touch with a support group of men and women just like him who fell for a scamming bit of third-world trash who then bankrupts them and disappears.
Thats what some r wanting. Well, watch what you wish for….
There is absolutely nothing to keep Dad from going to visit her AND they find a place AND dad moves to Mexico AND they marry.
He’s a 60 yr old widower, free to travel & remarry anyone he chooses. There are whole enclaves in Cuernavaca, San Miguel de Allende, Guadalajara, Polanco/Las Lomas in el DF, Chapala, etc that are filled with American expats & many married to nationals. Your Dad & his new bride can find someplace wonderful for a fraction of US costs!
As an aside on this, Guadalajara has a beyond huge US population and is especially chosen by retirees as it has a medical school (UAG) and it’s clinic system that is pretty much totally bilingual. UAG is destanacion numero uno for US kids who cannot get into medical school in the US, so go 2 UAG then enter US as a FMG / foreign medical grad & do US residency / fellowship or enlist in Army / USAF and do residency via military medical system @ Brooke/Willford Hall.
As a matter of fact, for expats marrying a Mexican National is very much a good move…… if your spouse is a National, then you can buy land that is coastal. Not the limiting “lifetime lease” that noncitizens are stuck with. But actually buy waterfront. Si, es la neta!
Fwiw for those of us who have been on AC for a while, 1 of the elder law attorneys (GH) who was an expert on AC now lives in San Miguel.
I am 88 and hubby is 90, so I can speak with some experience on this matter. We married when I was 65 and he was 67. He had been a bachelor all of his life. Some of his family thought I was after his money. When they told him he shouldn't marry me, guess what happened. They didn't know I had only a little bit less than he did. We both had 2 houses, RVs, etc. My brother remarried in his 70's to a gal 24 years younger than him. They celebrated their 9th anniversary last week. They are very happy and she takes good care of him.
Now, to be blunt, I would bet money they are having sex. Probably great sex in bed, on the couch, living room floor, etc. You are never in this world be able to compete with that. So, you might as well be nice so you can see him. He is a man and if it comes to you or great sex with a nice woman, you will lose.
We were sexually active until hubby was about 86 when his Alzheimer took that away. My brother who will be 84 in October and his wife are still having sex. So, you might as well welcome her into the fold because that is the way it is. As long as she is good to him, be happy for him. If he spends all his money on her, so what? The state will take care of him if he has no money. Not everyone has to go into a home. My mother lived by herself until 2 weeks before she died at 94. My aunt on my Dad's side did the same.
"Maria" was the late wife's caregiver and yet one more impoverished, shoeless latina from the third-world looking for a meal-ticket and a greencard. Textbook scammer.
When I was going to marry my second husband, he wanted to set the wedding date a lot sooner than we actually did. I'm the one who held things up because I refused to start our marriage with little more than the clothes on my back.
I was studying to become a Jew. My little son from his first marriage already thought of me as his mother. Yet I put him off for two years. Over those two years I nearly worked myself into the grave and did not spend one unnecessary penny in that time and lived miserably. On our wedding day I had over $30,000 in my bank account. I never wanted him or his family to think for one second that I needed him or any man to house, clothe, and feed me because I didn't.
I'm sure "Maria" is taking care of the OP's father right and proper in the bedroom. I'm sure she cooks too.
The family should make "Maria" an offer. They will be perfectly happy to welcome her with open arms into the family, if on her wedding day with the father she can show 30 grand or more in her bank account. Then put the father's name on the account as well as her own. That's what I did. It might take her a couple of years, but true love will wait. In the meantime they can live-together.
That scammer will disappear like smoke on the wind and start looking for a different meal-ticket.