It is after all my idea but I am getting nervous. He is fine health wise but not financially. He is in the area where I grew up and many family members are as well as his friends. I live 5 states away. My brother is in the same town as my dad, my sister is about the same distance as I but neither will have him come with them. My dad and I get along very well as does my wife. We have a good size house and the kids are out. My issue is he is still active in work and mobile. I don't know how to handle the day to day issues. I work at home. I will have to move my office from my nice sunny room to the basement to give him a living area. Finance should not be too much of an issue but I feel my siblings should contribute. How do I handle that? We are planning to add on to the house but that is a huge cost I cannot bear. We lost my mom recently, she did everything for my dad, he is progressing in getting things done but once he moves in how do we all keep our personal space? My biggest fear is him falling into depression. Currently he owns his business which my brother works in. I want him to work at least 3 hours a day (be out of the house) and go to a gym or some kind of activity. He doesn't realize how active he is where he is now but he cant stay due to financial reasons. He is very close to his family there, once he is here it will be hard to go back and forth. I don't want my wife and I to be his social scene. How do I get him to make friends here without him thinking I am pushing him away? Too many questions, I need something I just don't know what.
This move was carefully thought out by all of us. Dad, in his mid-70s at the time, was active and strong. He went out every day to play pool and was gone for hours, enjoying his retirement. We already had a good relationship, and I knew that someday, he probably would decline and I would be a caregiver. I have no children, so that affords me the mental capacity to focus on his needs if necessary.
We knew the dynamic would change, as Dad was used to being in his own home and so were we. We were all prepared to make adjustments.
A number of things has made this work well:
1) We are all considerate by nature. Dad understands our need to be a couple, and we support his privacy as well.
2) Dad has never snooped or pried into our personal business, and his areas are HIS. Only after I seek his permission do I enter his bedroom, for example.
3) Dad cleans up after himself and retains tidiness in his areas. He contributes assistance wherever his can, and is conscientious about this.
4) Though we never ask for it, he offers us a modest check toward expenses when he can. He’s been supporting my adult brother for a number of years, and hopefully that will cease soon as Dad really needs to prioritize his own care and support.
5) When we entertain, I let Dad know in advance so he’s not surprised with commotion when he might have been planning a quiet evening in his TV area. We don’t have people over as often, and as late in the evening as we used to, but that is okay.
6) Since Dad’s hours are more “retirement oriented” we don’t often have meals together, but we do on occasion and always eat together on holidays.
7) He has cooked in the past and shared with us, and we have done the same.
8) Dad is conscious of not making noise when we are sleeping, and we are as well.
9) We supported the entire family room area becoming Dad’s main living space, and it has many family pictures and keepsakes; his desk is untouched by us because it is his personal space.
10) One side of our 2-car garage belongs to Dad, and it contains things of his from previous homes and he parks his car in there. He has his own refrigerator in the basement.
11) When Dad wants to assist with shoveling snow, we gently (firmly) decline, but it’s nice to know he wants to help.
12) We all respect each other’s routines and needs. I have always referred to him as our “very cool older roommate.”
13) We never expected to be Dad’s primary social life, as he’s always been very independent. He remains so, even with his health issues of recent.
I could illustrate more points, but this is the basic idea. RESPECT, COMPROMISE and REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS are key.
All considered, we know this works because we all went in with eyes open, with a practical, can-do spirit. We knew there would be changes to each of our lifestyles. What we have traded in independence, we have gained in many blessings of being together. I told Dad that he’d never again awaken alone on Christmas; he is surrounded by music and decorations and fun. I can peek in on him if he’s not feeling well, as opposed to driving cross-town or booking a flight. I can give him a hug and kiss before bed. The blessings are endless.
During the past few months, I have been a caregiver, though fortunately he has been doing much better. My husband has been very supportive, and cares a great deal for Dad’s well-being. In summary, though it hasn’t been all sunshine (there have been a few small disagreements), the arrangement has been overwhelmingly positive. Best of luck to you and your family as you work this out.
"One thing to consider here is A. I have no choice. B. I have no choice."
One thing that kept me semi-sane during my husband's 10-year journey with dementia was knowing that I had a choice. I was caring for him at home by choice. This was not a mandate or a prison sentence. I chose to keep him home with me, and I could at any time choose to place him in a care center. When I had a very tough day I at least had the satisfaction of knowing I did something hard because I wanted to.
A couple of years ago a man who had just joined our local caregivers' support group was quite distressed over the demands of caring for his significant other. When he said, "I have to do this." I told him that he was selling himself short. He did not HAVE to do this. He wasn't even married to or related to this woman. He was under no legal obligation to shoulder the responsibility for her care. He chose to do this. He should feel proud of that choice.
"I have no choice" leads to resentment, feeling trapped, despair. "I choose to do this" can lead to pride, a sense of accomplishment, a freedom to change decisions if circumstances change.
There are other choices. You do not HAVE to do this. I suggest you look into some of the other possibilities and recognize that if you and your wife do this, it is out of the goodness of your heart, not out of lack of any other option. Do it out of love. Please don't do it because you "have" to.
In some ways it seems better to let him be until necessary. However, my parents doctor has consistently encourage a move, or trial move while they were still mostly ok. Moving him now, IF HE WANTS TO, allows him time while he is healthy to establish new routines, make new friends, new doctors to get to know him when he is not sick.
Good luck. This can wear you out. If he can afford the add on studio in your home, do that. You will need privacy. He will become increasingly more frail over the years and you will need to be there more for him.
Sorry, no sugar coating this one.....just my opinion.....and to those of you who may read this and think "but we owe it to our parents" I say "read my profile, walk a mile in my shoes and really understand that not all parents were the same in how we were raised, treated, in our lives, etc. And my siblings? I won't even get started about the h*** some of them have put me through! At the end of the day I love them, but, ugh! Tgengine.....really give it some thought, think about the pros and cons of your situation.......and good luck to you!
Ok, I appreciate you feel you have to do something: your father's recently bereaved, he's not managing on his own (I'm sorry for your loss of your mother), his current locale is too expensive for him to stay in, he shouldn't be having to hold down a full-time job at 78. Nothing controversial there, I'm sure you're right.
But that still doesn't mean that moving him to live with you and your wife is the only, let alone the best, answer. Keep thinking it through. And my first question would be: what does your dad want to do?
There must be more options, and one of them will certainly be better than what you're proposing. Slow down, take your time over sorting this out.
I'd advise taking him to look at senior living options in the area where he currently lives. There, he'll have the companionship of others in a town that's familiar. If you move him in with you, you may become his expected source of companionship. I work from home, too, and I can't imagine my Dad underfoot while I'm trying to work.
And, given that he was used to your Mom taking care of his every need, he may have that expectation of your wife (even though he might not mean to, it's a role that's natural to him). That won't be good for your marriage.
My mom lives with my family. 76 and reasonably good health. She did not have all the healthy contacts and lifestyle your father still possesses. This is a Pandora's box. Once he is moved with you, he will not be able to return. And getting your siblings to commit and execute any financial assistance is next to impossible. If you move dad with you, expect it will be your financial burden.
There are too many unspokens here. If he has made poor financial choices, that will not change when he moves with you. And Medicare benefits differ from state to state. You will have to notify the new state of his change in residence. Medicare transfers; programs related to Medicare differ from state to state. It took about 3 months to complete the process with my mother. And the personal space/family interaction expectations was discussed at length for 6 months prior to moving with us.
I think your are painting a much too rosy picture. This is a total look before you leap situation. Ask yourself why the onsite siblings aren't willing to take on this oversight. This just feels wrong. Best of luck to you.
Another something you may have not thought about……dad becomes an old rooster!!! You could well find that once he moves in with you & starts to get out and develop new friends or interests that every single gal or widow has your home on their radar. So what is OK and not OK under your house rules?
I do want to mention to you an alternative plan for you father that could enable him to continue living in the same city he is currently in. Nowadays, it is possible to live cheaply by buying a duplex and renting out one side of it. A lot of people do this to reduce their monthly mortgage payment down to perhaps $50 a month due to the income from the rental property. The best choice would be a duplex with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in each half. I'm wondering if this wouldn't be a better choice for the entire family. Dad's house could be sold for the downpayment for the property and then he would have rental income plus his Social Security plus whatever else he makes from work, if anything. Doing this would prevent your father from having to move to a strange city at this time and also, make his property an investment for the entire family. You and your siblings could still contribute money to go to such things as hiring housekeepers to come in every 2 weeks or pay for dad's food expenses or whatever. Later on, as your father gets older, you could move him into assisted living and rent out his half of the duplex and would therefore have 2 rental properties generating income that would help support your dad in his old age.
If you do decide to move dad to your city, I would suggest you consider doing the same thing - sell your current home and buying a duplex, but instead of renting the second half of the duplex, move your dad in there so he has his own space and you have your own space. This way you will not be adding onto your house and running the risk of making it too large for your neighborhood where you don't get your money back from the renovation - which has happened to hundreds of thousands of people who have added on.
Unless he's suffering from some medical condition that requires more care, why exactly is he moving in with you when he's able to work, has his own friends, etc.?
Instead of having him move in with you, why can't you and your siblings contribute equally to his 'retirement' each month with a check that will help him pay his way to live independently?
He may not want to move in with you, valuing HIS freedom as much as we all value ours.
Do a little research and see if your community offers some things you think your dad might enjoy and then when your dad gets there and is somewhat settled mention it to him and let him decide if he'd like to get involved in some social activities. Does he go to church? That's a great social outlet too.
Just have some info handy to whip out if you need to, if you think your dad might be interested. Stay away from adult daycare though. There he will encounter "old people".
You're right, in some ways it is like having a child all over again only more difficult. Your dad will come to you with all of his habits and expectations and a fully formed personality and ways of doing things.
In the beginning with us, my dad and I didn't really know what to do. He'd come into our den where my then-teenage daughter and I were watching tv and sit on the other couch. Not that he was prohibited from the den but I doubt he enjoyed watching "Jersey Shore". He had a nice tv in his room and after a little while he began to migrate back to his room to watch tv. The den became "my" space. My tv, my space. To make him feel more welcome I invited him to do a movie night occasionally but he was very hard of hearing and I couldn't stand the volume on the tv being so loud. But he was fine being back in his room watching his tv. I know this because I asked him. You said you and your dad have a good relationship, so did me and my dad, and whenever we needed to discuss something we did. Keep the lines of communication with your dad open.
You have every right to go on a vacation with your wife....without your dad. How to handle it? When the plans are made tell your dad about your trip as you would tell a friend: "Mary and I have decided to take a cruise next month. We're really excited about it!" There's nothing to feel guilty about. There's a great Bed and Breakfast about 2 hours from here and I spent many weekends there while my dad was living with me.
No doubt about it, your dad moving in with you is going to throw a wrench into your habits and schedule as well as his. Thank goodness for separate living rooms! If you're enjoying alone time with your wife and your dad wanders in the next opportunity you have, maybe a day later, ask him if he'd mind if you and your wife had some privacy after she gets home from work. Communication! And boundaries! With the fishing and hunting dad will have enough father/son time. Your relationship with your wife must always come before your relationship and duty to your dad.
In a way you're going to have to break your dad in. If he's in the habit of letting dirty dishes sit in the sink you have to break him of that. Take the heat yourself, tell him something like, "Dad, I have a thing about dirty dishes in the sink, would you mind putting them in the dishwasher as soon as you're done with them?" Non-accusatory and reasonable. He's not a guest anymore, he's your roommate and as a roommate he also has certain responsibilities to the household.
What kinds of things is he open to having you do for him? If he can do them for himself he should. Establish all of this stuff right in the very beginning because once a pattern begins, once behavior is established you're going to be stuck with it.
Again like Jeanne said (she's very wise) my 2 main concerns in all of this are his knowing your friends and your wife becoming an indentured servant to your dad. There may come a time when you are in the middle of your wife and your dad. It happens all the time. Always support your wife. Try to work out a solution but never let your support for your wife waver. You will actually be trying to get a zebra to change it's stripes here. Your mom took care of your dad and that's what he's been used to for 59 years. Don't let your dad expect that kind of treatment from your wife or you.
Dad: "I'm hungry, is there anything to eat?"
You/wife: "I don't know, food's in the fridge, help yourself."
Dad gets up from the table, leaving his dishes for someone else to take to the sink.
"Hey dad! Those dishes aren't going to walk themselves over to the sink". Then tip him a wink or something so the tone remains light.
Dad: "I think the sheets on my bed need to be changed."
You/wife: "There are fresh sheets in the linen closet."
Dad overhears you telling your wife that you're going to get together with a friend to watch....whatever guys watch. This is a friend that your dad knows. Tell your dad that said friend is having problems in his marriage and needs to talk to you. Yes, it's a lie. But would you rather tell your dad that you don't want him to tag along?
When my dad lived with me, before he began to decline, it was me, my 16 year old daughter, and my dad all living together in a house. From my viewpoint and my daughter's viewpoint it was the two of us and dad was the 5th wheel. But from my dad's point of view it was like it was me and him and my daughter was a child "we" were raising. My dad never really stepped on my toes when it came to parenting but our relationship shifted when we moved in together and morphed into some kind of weird partnership thing. Initially it was like I had replaced my mom. My dad would attribute my mom's habits and tones and quirks onto me (it wasn't as creepy as it sounds). My dad would consult with me on things when he didn't need to. We would receive invitations to graduations and family functions together which put me in a position of having to say to my dad, "Hey dad, Ron asked us to an anniversary party a week from Sat." It made me uncomfortable, like we were a couple or something. My life had become enmeshed with my dad's and I didn't like it one bit. Once your dad moves in your friends are liable to issue invitations to you, your wife, and your dad because they know he's living there with you and they don't want to be rude and not extend an invitation to him too. What you do with that and how you handle that is up to you.
Maybe your dad is as nervous about this move as you are. It's a huge life change and he may feel like a guest for a while but as long as you set up boundaries right from the beginning you may avoid a lot of this stuff. You said he's a young 78 and it sounds like it from what you've described. When did your mom pass away? And as young at heart as he may be at 78 he's still a fall risk and is vulnerable to all sorts of age-related decline. One fall, one broken hip and your life as you know it will be over. Stroke. Infection. It just takes a very little to go from vital and productive to elderly and needy, know that going in. My dad had been with me for several years and had experienced age-related decline but nothing major. I was working a few days a week and one day I came home from work and the lights were all off, the paper wasn't on the table, it was quiet as a church and I just knew my dad had fallen. I ran back to his room and he had been on the floor for hours. He hadn't injured himself and he had taken spills before. We used to joke that he just bounced when he'd fall. But this was different. He was dehydrated (which our parents are very vulnerable to) and the dehydration had sapped his strength. I couldn't get him off the floor where as previously I would have been able to (I work in physical therapy). I had to call 911 and things were never the same after that. It was Election Day and while in the ER he was grousing about not being able to vote and was it possible that he could vote from the hospital. But that fall took a lot out of him (he was 79 then) and he never bounced back and his decline sped up as a result. Six months later he passed away in a nursing home. When the ambulance took his to the ER that day I would have never, in my wildest dreams, believed that he'd never come home again. It can happen that fast.
Keep writing, keep venting, keep sharing your concerns. That's what this site is all about and it's filled with great people.
You can't plan for everything, you can't anticipate everything. It is stressful and it's life-changing. But no one's holding a gun to your head. Even if you did agree years ago that this was going to be the plan. I promised my dad that I would never put him in a nursing home and I meant it with all of my heart. But I had no clue what was coming, how bad it would get. We make decisions when we're naïve, before we have all of the information.
I'm sure you're getting a well-rounded look at our collective experiences. There's a lot of support to be had here. Any time you have a question or concern please come back. Consider this research. :-)
I am even more concerned about #3 -- time to yourself. Your friends are already friendly with Dad. That is great -- but also dangerous as it could contribute to dependence on you for his social life. And #2 is an even greater concern. Good for your wife for declaring she won't be catering to him! But it is much easier to say it than to enforce it. Especially since his only experience at your house is as a vacationing guest, I expect a lot of tension over these basic issues.
You really are thinking about this, and that will help.
Your dad has worked hard all his life and done his best to support his family. If he needs some financial assistance at this point that is not shameful. It doesn't sound to me as if his children are themselves financially in a place where they can support him. You and your wife, for example, deserve to be saving for your own retirement. I repeat my advice to explore other options for financial help for Dad.
By all means, continue to oversee his finances. You can do that from 5 states away, if you set up lots of online accessibility. But try not to mortgage your own future to support Dad now.