It is after all my idea but I am getting nervous. He is fine health wise but not financially. He is in the area where I grew up and many family members are as well as his friends. I live 5 states away. My brother is in the same town as my dad, my sister is about the same distance as I but neither will have him come with them. My dad and I get along very well as does my wife. We have a good size house and the kids are out. My issue is he is still active in work and mobile. I don't know how to handle the day to day issues. I work at home. I will have to move my office from my nice sunny room to the basement to give him a living area. Finance should not be too much of an issue but I feel my siblings should contribute. How do I handle that? We are planning to add on to the house but that is a huge cost I cannot bear. We lost my mom recently, she did everything for my dad, he is progressing in getting things done but once he moves in how do we all keep our personal space? My biggest fear is him falling into depression. Currently he owns his business which my brother works in. I want him to work at least 3 hours a day (be out of the house) and go to a gym or some kind of activity. He doesn't realize how active he is where he is now but he cant stay due to financial reasons. He is very close to his family there, once he is here it will be hard to go back and forth. I don't want my wife and I to be his social scene. How do I get him to make friends here without him thinking I am pushing him away? Too many questions, I need something I just don't know what.
I like the issue of boundaries, that is a reason I want to add a bedroom and bath to the first floor. The good thing is he can do a lot of the work now so he will be busy. Maybe I am over worrying but my stress level is at the "orange" level right now. How do I handle when things aren't going well even before he gets here? He is depending on me to do it all as I have been, am I creating a monster?
Dad is healthy and mobile now, so it seems you and your wife will be hosts, not caregivers -- but don't count on that to last.
You have anticipated some of the issues you'll face. (Congratulations.) Expecting them and experiencing them are not the same thing, as nearly all live-in caregivers can tell you.
My suggestions:
1) Be prepared to set boundaries, from day one -- even before the move, if possible. Dad is independent and healthy. Good. But that doesn't mean you want to hear his television at loud volume all day long. He watches in his room or with a wireless headset in the family room. He never enters your bedroom without knocking. Meals are at predetermined times but he is free to help himself to food at any time. These are just examples. Your boundaries will reflect your own situation, but it is critical to establish right up front that this is not a completely anything-goes situation.
2) Protect his independence and your sanity by not becoming his personal servants. His late wife waited on him. Perfectly OK in their relationship, but not in yours. Encourage him to do everything he can for himself. It is good for him! He has gotten used to doing somethings for himself but odds are he'll quickly revert to being waited on if you let him. Don't let him. Especially don't let your wife get trapped into the waitress/gopher role. Simmering resentment is not a happy home environment. If/when Dad really can't do things for himself, then it is time to bring in some in-home help.
3) Respite for the caregivers is absolutely necessary. Since you are not initially expecting to be "caregivers" you might overlook this, but that would be a mistake. You and your wife need time alone together as well as time alone individually. This should be easy, since Dad does not need a "sitter" -- you can go out anytime. But it may not be as easy as it sounds, if Dad expects to go everywhere you go, and especially if Dad expects you to fulfill all his social needs. You MUST set boundaries in this area. Sure, invite Dad along to a baseball game, or to a neighborhood picnic. But don't include him in every outing! Don't establish a habit of dependence on you for a social life.
4) Don't count on your siblings for anything without their explicit agreement. And even if they agree to something, realize they can change their minds. You have no control over their behavior. Set up the situation so that you can maintain it on your own. To the extend they will help, consider that a bonus.
5) Explore every option for keeping Dad in his familiar stomping grounds. If it is only financial problems that are behind this move, explore his eligibility for financial aid, such as subsidized senior housing, meals on wheels, etc. Maybe moving in with you will still be your choice, but everyone can feel more positive about it if it is truly a choice, and not just the default because you couldn't think of anything else.
I guess I'm just repeating what the other posters have said. Maybe hearing similar suggestions from several people who have been there will be helpful!
Good luck ... and let us know how this turns out.
You have brought up some good points about expectations, while he is mobile he is declining. He and my mom were side by side for 59 years and knew each other since they were 10. It will devastate him I am sure, he is actually excited to come here as my mom did everything and I think he is expecting that! My wife has made it clear we will not be catering to him. Generally when he would visit for the weekend it was always he and I doing a repair job or fishing or sightseeing. Being I work from home it makes it difficult to have people understand I am actually working even though it doesn't look like it. He will have his own large bedroom and shared bath (with the adult children when they visit) and a living room (my former office, one reason why I bought the house). He is bringing his dog with him (we have a new puppy). He has never associated with older groups per sea. It was always he and my mm doing stuff with friends, those friends wont be here. Do I map out a plan for him to follow? He has always been a great breadwinner, worked 2 jobs, his work is his hobby besides our hunting and fishing. He was brought up under difficult circumstances and left my mother to do a lot of things for him. He has learned to pay some bills (write a check) check email (new) do laundry, but I am the one who has to watch the finances like my mom and manage the details (like my mom). My biggest fear is as you mentioned him maybe not being happy here, after all its been like a vacation every time he visits. Moving in will be different. As for the bills how to I ask my sister to help? Pay certain bills? Help offset the cost of an addition? Plan for the future? We are not well off financially, he collect SS but that is it, no other income. I plan to introduce him to a lodge here so he can make some new friends, he loves all my friends (they all know him) and he will have some small carpentry jobs to do when he moves here. The biggest issues is all the "things" we have to get rid of, he will bring some here but we have to liquidate the house. We are very open with him and he is part of the process. I don't hide anything from him. He expects to be able to pick up and visit family when he wants but I fear his driving long distance by himself. I am rambling here, sorry. After dealing with my SIL and BIL with her passing and undoing her life and putting my BIL in a nursing home and calling weekly to check on him of the other side of the country (he and my wife are the only family members left on my wife's side so we are responsible for him too). I am at a stress point and dad has not moved in yet. He gave his notice to move from his town house at the end of May so my clock is ticking. How do I handle the food arrangements, laundry, our personal time (TV), going out etc.? (He will have his own 2 TVs to watch).Just not ready for this. I have had to do all the details on my moms funeral and paperwork process so I am still grieving in my own way.
I didn't want to scare you and when I wrote that there may be things about your dad that you don't know about this is what I was talking about. He may be social and outgoing now, where he lives, but a long-distance move will change all of that and could be catastrophic for all of you. On paper it might look good and when I commented I was trying to work within your 'on paper' viewpoint of your dad moving in with you. But you have no idea what's in store for you and your wife if your dad makes this move. This is what I really wanted to say initially.
There are dozens if not hundreds of posts on this site about moving in an aging parent. Rarely does it turn out well even with the best of intentions going in. A couple of years down the road you find yourself with a broken marriage and a family that no longer speaks to eachother. This is the reality. But don't take my word for it. Or pstegman's. Take advantage of what this site offers and read for yourself.
You are a good son for opening your home to your dad. However, you are right to be concerned. I'll try not to sound like Debbie Downer.
Unless your siblings have already agreed to help you financially with your dad you might want to ask your siblings if they are planning on helping you before your dad arrives. I understand that your dad is still vital and ambulatory and has many interests and friends but he is going to live with you and you will become his caregiver and as a caregiver never, ever expect that your family automatically knows they should be helping. Don't ever assume people should know we need help. As caregivers and in your situation you'll have to ask for that financial assistance and be specific.
Anticipating the personal space issue is spot on. The three of you are going to have to figure this out. Not only will you want your space with your wife but your dad is going to want his own space as well and not feel that he is underfoot. You've cleared out that room which is a good step but this is one area in which you'll have to figure it out after your dad gets there and gets settled. My dad moved in with me. I got a house specifically for the purpose of my dad moving in with me and like your dad my dad was vital and social. We had some vague idea of how it was going to work but until we all actually moved in together we found it difficult to plan it all out. I let my dad have the master bedroom because it had it's own bathroom and I moved down the hall and shared a bathroom with my teenage daughter. Allowances are going to have to be made, compromise will need to be reached. My dad developed a habit of sitting at the kitchen island which was right in the middle of the house. I had to pass him a thousand times a day and sometimes, like in the a.m., I am not a chatty person. This was an allowance I had to make. This couldn't be anticipated but we had to work around it. There will be many things that you'll have to work around and it's impossible to anticipate everything. What do they say? Expect the best but prepare for the worst.
Moving so far away from his friends and most of his family will be very difficult for your dad. Yes, he's moving in with you and everyone's excited and making plans but you are correct in being concerned about depression in your dad. Once he gets there let him decompress. Don't try too hard to integrate him. Let him find his way. Again, this comes from my experience of moving my dad in with me. And again, be careful of your expectations. You wrote that you want him to work three hours a day and go to the gym or some social activity. I feel that you're setting yourself up here. Your dad may have other plans. Have you discussed all of this with your dad? Has he agreed to work 3 days a week and to socialize with other people? Making friends at his age (I don't know his age but I take it he's a senior citizen) is very difficult. Any kind of elder daycare will have people who aren't not as capable as your dad. Maybe a gym will have some activities for senior citizens, you can look into that, but be careful of those expectations. And I'm so glad you are aware that you and your wife could potentially become his social life. There's a very decent chance of that happening. So before your dad arrives have a list of places that he can socialize. My dad, in his good years, participated in a community-run group for 'older adults'. It was once a month but only in the summer. They would have lunch and entertainment one month, lunch and bingo the next month, etc. My dad found it by contacting the city in which we lived. He loved it. My dad also loved the grocery store. They had many retired people working there and that was a great social outlet for my dad. They had a little café and he would sit there and inevitably someone on their break would come and join him. This was in St. Louis and this was a huge grocery store chain, not a mom-and-pop deal. So it might be a good idea to do some research yourself before your dad arrives and then when he's settled in gently encourage him to get out. And tell him that you're not trying to push him out of the house. Just explain to him that you want him to be as active as he was before he moved.
So having said all of that (and if you're still awake having read this far) my main points are try to keep your expectations in check. The more expectations you have the greater chance of disappointment and resentment later on; don't expect your siblings to automatically know what you need. You're going to have to ask them for what you need and again, watch those expectations. This is the stuff family feuds are made of; let your dad set his own pace. This is a huge move for him and there may be things going on with him that you have no clue about. You will certainly discover them as soon as he's moved in; and while it sounds as if your wife is on board with all of this make your marriage your #1 priority when your dad arrives. Moving in an aging parent is very stressful on a marriage. You may want to discuss an exit strategy with your wife if life with dad doesn't turn out to be all it's cracked up to be. He might do better in an assisted living down the road if his moving in doesn't work out. Are you prepared to care for him as his health declines? Prepared to go down that road? Your situation with him in your home can change *snaps fingers* like that. One fall. One bout of pneumonia. One infection. One little thing and it can all change. Be prepared.
I hope I didn't scare you. Like I said, my dad was like your dad when he moved in with me but he got older, less capable, and 5 years later, while out of his mind, died in a nursing home. But in the beginning he'd jump in his car and be off doing his own thing most days. Things change.
Oh! And I would like to suggest that you read a lot of what's offered here. Get a sense of what you can expect. And know that we're always here if you need us. I hope you come back and let us know how it's going.